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You're strange and we like fur
Strange, walking down the avenue
You're strange just the way you are
Strange, always doing something new
© 2003 DEVILROBOTS
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courting death aka facing the music
jarred sounds jarred sounds. the music will be jarred. =)
it's nearly 1pm now. heading to pe dept to ren cuo and be guai kia in front of them.. =\
wish mi luck. wish mi luck.....
*hopes*
-off and away- (bbl)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:00:00 PM
am in 212 now.. short blog before i head for phy lecture.. haix.. went to sch late today.. reached about 9.45.. had no mood to go in the morning, besides, i was running late.. woke up at 7am.. haix.. had to forgo chem lect, chinese and gp.. was around in time for maths tho.. guess the best i can do now is to make the best of my situation and be happy that i'm least studying in a jc.. one of the more prestigious paths that education can lead us..
guess i should try to manipulate how others react towards mi.. for the teachers, show that i reli am trying v hard, but i just can't.. show that i am quite pathetic and let them pity me or sympathise with me. that's the least i can manage. so they won't get on my case so much or be so angry with me. i can also be polite to them, listen.. nod.. agree.. whatever.. trying to improve the situation now.. today around 8am mdm foo called mi house. haix..... felt quite bad.. so i went to see the pe dept immed when i reached sch.
as usual, my common adversary, the bus, took off without me.. haix.. nvm.. wasn't rushing for time anyway.. reached sch.. den the lady sitting outside the general office beckoned mi over. she looked somewhat like a pushover, i could have walked away, but i din wanna get into more shit. so i went over, she questioned mi.. she asked mi to wait for mr sim, and explain to him. ugh what else can i do but fabricate a lame story about me having to go home to get something. i told her i came in the morning, and no, i wasn't sick.. and that i had to see a teacher urgently (which was sort of a white lie, at least).. she couldn't find mr sim, so finally she let me off.. *sigh*
went to the pe dept and hung around looking damn extra. 23/02 having pe, met jes.. talked awhile den she had to go run 2 rounds.. finally found ms ong with the help of the new teacher. ms ong at mph there.. she told mi to see her today at 1pm. dunno how long it'll take. pj, if you're reading this, i might be late for cca if she decides to take more than an hour and a half to talk to me. ugh. prob might send me for counselling too.. oh well..self-inflicted shit. caving down upon my head. =/ she din reli look angry tho. was happy when she saw me. shouted my name as usual.. haix..........
went for gp lesson like 40 mins late. luckily mrs leow not around. i went into class and they all greeted me with resounding hellos, saying that i owed the pe dept, like, 300 rounds around the track. yay. congratulations. blah. pish pash. do that loh.......... ugh.. somehow, i'm 'proud' of my acheivement. i'm kinda happy, tho in the wrong way, that i have come to aj and left an imprint upon alot of people's lives. in this sense, i think i'm abit insane. oh well....... i do this in like every sch i go to?
interesting how my classmates are suddenly so warm towards me when i've sort of 'made the headlines'...... everyone knew that i owe 300 rounds. reparation costs? -_-" haix.. normally they dun even care if i live or die. crazy people. crazy school. but i welcomed the attention. me. the attention seeker. haix........ why can't i just be an ordinary low profile student? oh wells......... not my style i suppose.
mood improved exponentially. =) i was talking and laughing like a normal person. had maths tut and jes called mi halfway. wish i knew. i wish i left there and den to be there for her, like she always is for me.. oh well.....
yep. 12.09pm. phy lect soon. den meeting with pe dept. den cca. den bowling and hw. den more hw. and more. i should go into a cave and be a recluse/nun.... aiyah...
ja~ ^^
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:11:00 PM
"why is she so quarrelsome today.."
"maybe her friend uploaded all the boyfriend problems at her..."
"don't blame ajc for everything..."
"hui hui is a bad influence..."
"who taught you how to speak like that.."
- random quotes from mom. more to come. i get new ones every day.
fine. i actually explode in person. sue me. and i mean, reli. sue mi for being ur daughter who finally shows how she is reli feeling. do you care? you blame it on my friend. say she's a bad influence. is she? hardly. just cos she wants to get married at 21? what's wrong with that. maybe i should make friends with a prostitute or drug dealer or whatever. not that they're bad or anything, but i'm trying to state a point here. some of my ij friends go clubbing, you call them bad influences. that time after i came home smelling of alcohol from the channel outing, you told mi not to go out with them again. i dun reli swear at home unless provocated. i dun drink excessively. i dun smoke. i dun do drugs. i dun even run around having random sex. what's the matter. tell me. sometimes i wish i could just sit here long enough to start to rot.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:45:00 AM
i detest alot of things right now. i think my patience reli is wearing thin. how come i am so patient to people whom i am not that close with, and so irritable and explosive with people who know me very very well? good eg would be my family. not that i dun love them, but i flare up and get annoyed so easily at alot of things. issit just me? or what. i dunno.
nearly wanted to hack people into pieces today. my mind did, but my body remained silent and smiling. silent and smiling. why do i play this infernal game of facades. why. cyndi irritated the piss outta mi today. yes she did. i dunno what's with her, but she managed to. these days especially. acting like she knows so much. as if my knowledge is not even comparable to hers. that time with the physics question. acting as if i'm her charge for a tuition session. fine. that one was more or less bearable. i sat in the chair looking my best and trying my best to listen to her, and nod and smile and accept. and accept. i hate myself for easily accepting alot of things and not doing things about them. why can't i stand up for myself for once. i just sit back and let everyone hit at me. what am i? a sadomasochist? but i can't do something. people will stop turn stare. since when did dith become violent or explosive. since when. it's so outta character. these days i hardly blow my top as compared to years ago. haix....... i'm in trouble in school again. i wish i could just dig myself a hole and crawl out of this mess. self-induced mess. how did it end up like this? a bit of petty rebellion does one no good, dith. it's not worth it. there goes the voice in my head. ignored. and then i do something totally outta my character, it seems. perhaps it's a quiet self-inflictory way of lashing out. where the main person who will get it in the end is, ultimately, myself. self-torture. am i reli a masochist at heart? i blame myself for everything. i look down on myself. i this i that. i can't stand it. why do i sit and let myself get trodden over? cyndi today had to mention in maths about the difference in cost price of the tickets. between the choir and guitar concert tickets. she had to tell me patiently, as if she were talking to an INFANT, that the difference in cost price was cos one was held in vch, and the other in school. and den went on about some fantastical knowledge she gathered about the booking of vch, which did not register in my head, simply because i did not want to listen. was so disappointed and angry at myself for failing the stats test. 9/24. guess i fucking deserve it. i fucking deserve everything. you make ur bed and lie on it. you reap what you sow. blah blah blah. so many nice ways of putting the same thing. haix.. two choices. a) give up totally and let everything cave in on me b) change. but change is difficult. especially with such a shit-ass non-determined attitude like mine. i have a lousy attitude and i admit it. i hate everything. and above all, i hate myself. and goodnight folks, although i don't think i will be able to catch any shut eye.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:13:00 AM
A LITTLE ABOUT YOU...
FULL NAME? meredith blahblahblah
BIRTHDAY? 29th June 1985 <-- pressies anyone? :D
AGE? age? i dun age. :D i am as young as i was 17+ yrs ago. :X
BORN? thomson medical centre. :P
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? loadsa things.. the list is endless.. will not post what exactly or people might decide to gimme a scare.. grr
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? definitely not contacts.. and glasses when the need arises. =)
PERFECT MAN/WOMAN? is there such a thing?
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? nope. i dun. isn't it obvious? o.o
EMBARRASSING MOMENT? countless. just had one today. haha.. but den again, i'm rather thick skinned. ;)
YOUR GOOD FRIENDS? yes, i have them. will not name them to protect their identities. =)
PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY? sis mom dad..
ICE-CREAM? vanilla.... can't eat choc.. =/ twister count? ^^
VEGETABLE? anything cept for beansprouts and bittergourd.. bleah.
FAST FOOD? yep~ i like mos burger! :D
CANDY? candy.... i get high on sugar.. haha
BEVERAGE? anything that's drinkable and thirstquenching. :P
MOVIE? i'm a movie freako~ yeah... xmen 2... :D
TALK SHOW? eh. do they even interest mi? well. unless they were talking about unorthodox issues.. perhaps. =P ACTRESS/ACTORS? anything that keeps the storyline going.. haha.. BANDS? loads. mellow alternative anyone? audioslave? :D SINGER? mm.. anyone good will do? and fitting to my style of music? :P
PLACE TO VISIT? i like my home. i can be myself. =D perhaps overseas like japan or australia.. ^^
COLORS? red, green, orange, blue, silver.. well.. anything! =D
JEWELLERY? i like accessories.. chokers/chains/rings/bracelets/etc.. but somehow i can't find all of them so i just make do with none.. ^^;
SPORTS? i sooooo suck at running! argh.. dun remind mi of the pe dept.. =/ but i like playing games.. used to love bball.. used to.. =(
NUMBER? anything with a 3.. ^^ 7 or 8 is cool too.. oh yah.. 85! i love that number..
ANIMAL? dogs and cats.. ^^ i would like a wolf-dog!
FLOWER? flowers are nice to get for people.. simple yet ever so special.. =D hope vdae rolls around again soon! yay~
BRAND OF SHOES? anything... cept converse.. eeks.. >_<
PERFUME/COLOGNE? anything that smells good and is not too heavy.. a light fruity scent?
CAREER? mm.. used to have tons when i was young.. i simple have no idea what i wanna do now.. =/ guide me.. i need guidance..
HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? hmm.. nope. not yet. ;)
DRANK ALCOHOL? of cos. =P
SMOKED? ick. no
BROKEN THE LAW? *mischievous wink*
RAN AWAY FROM HOME? many times i've thot about it.. but i'm not that heartless.. unless it's reli bad den i might.. or just stay out till damn late..
BROKEN A BONE? yep. my stupid hand.. fractured.
PLAYED STRIP POKER? watched mi gal friends play.. but mi figure sux.. hahas.. altho i might play if there's only gals around.. =P
PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE? of cos! how about now? i seriously need it! bring it on me! XD
FLASHED SOMEONE? hmm.. in what way? XD
MOONED SOMEONE? hmm.. unintentionally in the bus going home from ndp.. (remember, mu? LOL)
KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW? uh.. dun think so?
BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT? of cos.. countless times.. but now, nope. ^^;
RODE IN A POLICE CAR? VrEee~ nope.. i think?
BEEN ON A PLANE? nope.. never..
COME CLOSE TO DYING? car accident? near one? hahas.. nearly.. lucky people pull mi back.. =/
CHEATED ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? not reli....
BEEN IN A SAUNA? yes! the one at mi fren's condo! =P
BEEN IN A HOT TUB? hmm.. nope.. =(
SWAM IN THE OCEAN? only waded.. i can't swim.. hehs
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT........
ABORTION?
CLASSICAL?
SOAP OPERAS?
THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU?
AMUSEMENT PARKS?
WHAT IS.............
YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM?
WHAT'S YOUR BEDROOM LIKE?
YOUR SECRET CRUSH?
YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
ARE YOU A........
GOOD STUDENT?
GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS?
GOOD DANCER?
GOOD STORYTELLER?
DO YOU HAVE...
STITCHES?
BLOODY NOSE?
GETTING HIT?
CANCER?
SURGERY?
BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU?
SOMEONE PUNCH YOU?
DO YOU......
WET THE BED?
COLLECT ANYTHING?
LIKE TO SING?
LIKE TO SHOP?
LIKE TO PARTY?
BEEN IN TROUBLE A LOT??
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION $?
GO TO A HANSON CONCERT IF YOU HAD A FREE TICKET?
GET ANYTHING PIERCED?
KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS?
ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT?
HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? bgr: 2 months infatuation: 4 years. wahaha..
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON?
EARLIEST MEMORY?
TIME FINISHED?
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:29:00 PM
argh.. tuesday again. supposed to have break now den pe but guess what. i'm not going for it again. no mood and no tshirt and i'm sure not gonna wear an old stinky one left behind by the pe dept. grr. today i finally kena caught. just like what i predicted yesterday. yes. i predicted they would find mi and come after mi, and yes, they have done that. ms ong came looking for mi today. argh. during assembly she came to my class and went to the front to look for mdm foo. and den they both came down the row to reprimand mi. gawd. i feel like a lousy refugee. what the fuck am i hiding from. argh. i will be so so glad when school is officially over. i will be ever so glad. i swear.
perhaps they should declare tuesdays a national "oh, let's bully dith" day. wouldn't that be wonderful? now all you buggers wouldn't need a pathetic form of a 'valid' excuse to torment mi once a week. it should be enough to satsify you till the next tuesdays rolls around. can't wait eh? good. good good. i reli reli reli DETEST tuesdays. it's worse than mondays. i hate tuesdays. full tutorial day. pe day. shit day. no jes day. argh... life sux sux sux... this morning couldn't reli wake up on time. last night spent a -__- night online.. den talked to jes on the phone while fending off mom's nagging. ugh. din do any homework. wasted the entire night there. maybe i should quit irc or whatnot. haaaix.. was blasting my music as loud as i could without getting told off by, guess who? my little sis. aRgH. "turn that down. i can't hear the tv" or "it's too noisy. what stupid song are you playing" even "is that you singing? i thought it was *insert demeaning word here*" or perhaps "i got a headache cos of your music. turn it off." fucking hell. =/
so anyway i chatted on the phone till 2+ am.. chat until shuang. felt better after that, so got some shuteye until i had to wake up around 5.30. of cos i couldn't wake up. ended up waking at 6.15 and mom reli getting freaking pissed. she was like "you gonna bathe anot? i let your sis bathe first." den my sis rolled over and murmured "you bathe first" grr... den mom, tremendously pissed off said "you both settle. i don't care anymore"... was bathing when she knocked on the door and kept yelling "quarter to already. finish up. get out. let your sis bathe" i reli buay tahan so i growled "fine. den i walk out naked you wan?" ArgH......... i know i get all rude and wiseass when i'm pissed. *shrug* it's just me. blah. got to sch on time. for once. din need to run for the bus.
saw angela at the station. =) ah wong~~ haix.. miss all of them. saw shi hui behind mi on the way to sch. argh. i was in no mood to talk to her. so i siamed off and ignored her. why oh why did she have to call my name and say hi. was obliged to walk beside her to sch. grr.. and engage in small talk. argh. shitified. haix... had to fake one of my smiles and laugh and chat happily. wtf. haix.. and they say be true to ur self.. indeed. what shit. =/ truly ass-wipe-worthy. saw waiyin also. shi hui was like: "she's from ij too, you know her?" liKE DUH. OF COS I KNOW LA. wah LIEW.... but i smiled and joked it off saying that i did, =P and stuff... bleargh.
managed to escape and stand solemnly behind the guys in my class for morning assem. saw mdm foo... kinda asked her whether she knew someone. den she told mi about the escapades with the thermometer yesterday. --' she later went for band.. so YAY. no civics after the mass civics lesson. i sat thru another mass civics session (today we had double session) with jes. oh wells~ saw wood. he gave weird looks. hah. who cares la. i go where i'm happier. =) hmm. so yah. what to do about ms ong. grr. pe dept police woman. and i'm thinking whether to stretch their limits and their patience. what if i dun comply? will it be off to the principal's office with mi? den what? more scolding. den? parents' letter? den? expulsion? hmm. i'm willing to risk anything if it doesn't end up in expulsion. =) hahahaha...
gawd. what's wrong with me. hahah.. oh wells. do you think they will expel mi for already owing 20 makeup pe and not turning up for future ones? you never know. sch is, after all, an unreasonable place. =( bleah. and what am i doing now? ponning pe. fWaH. heck lar. i just wanna heck everything and fly somewhere to rot and watch time stop as i recollect who i am, pick myself up, finish all my hw (wtf? i'm thinking about hw?!) well. basically just a place where i can slowly pick up the pieces and have peace of mind where i can find myself and my direction in life. ever since i;ve come to jc, i've lost myself. and i dunno where to find me. =( haix....
physics tutorial was ok. i did the work. but. i was reli reli sleepy. after like less than half the lesson was over, i was trying my best not to doze off on the desk. i reli reli tried. but everytime i blinked or tried to focus my eyes, i sorta blacked out in dreamland for a few seconds or minutes. haix.. sux leh. perpetual torture. =( was so glad when the bell rang. joined mi frens at the study area and positively crashed there to catch Zzzs for about 30+ minutes. omg. i must have been tired. haven't slept for so long in sch in my entire life. and so soundly too.. =( haix.... had chem tut after. tried and tried. was better than the phy tut. but somehow i found myself wading back to dreamland. =( mr lim's becoming hateful and i sorta can't stand him after what my fren said about him. and she hardly dislikes anyone. o.o haix... i dun dislike him. i sorta liked him or was neutral. guess i'm easily influenced. haix... he was yelling during tutorial today. yelling cos i guess that he was frustrated that our class is so stupid at chem. he din exactly say that. but from how he was acting, i suspect he felt that. =/ he just spoons us info, answering his own questions.. and he expects us to move leaps and bounds up the grade list? tough luck. guess we gotta do more sdl... aj's method of learning fits so right. SDL. self directed learning. in everything we do. arGh.. mihi solum, mihi solum.
had gp during econs free period but din sleep. gp doesn't induce sleep for me. was kinda enlightening. altho taoyi was like laffing at all the mistakes.. haix.. i know it's fun laffing at other people.. but sometimes, it just makes u wanna sink in ur seat, esp if you're the one they're laffing at.. blah. bell just rung. pe time. =/ perhaps i should just get the hell out of sch. scary shit. i hate the pe dept. i hate people chasing mi. i feel like a renegade student running amok in the four padded walls of aj. aRgH......... c a g e d.
was scolded during maths tutorial today. ms tan wants the maths in by fri. gonna ditch the idea of actually studying for chem den. it's all my fault. maybe i should just call in sick for sch from now on. say i am dead or down with sars or just plain suffering from a mental breakdown or some crap.. mom wun be happy. dad laigi worst. sis will also scold mi for being a bad role model. =( wo yao li jia, li xue xiao chu zou......... tasukete...... onegaiitashimasu.. =( gets worse and worse with each passing tuesday. i just wanna act dumb. i need to escape. sux.....
felt so cold the entire day. shivering like mad in the audi and lts.. dunno why it's so cold..... maybe i'm getting numb and frozen.. or perhaps i'm the only warm soul left in aj........... why do all my problems end with aj? aj is the bane of my existance.......... *vehement hate* =/
perhaps we should talk about the issue of frens while i'm ranting.. if you treat mi well, i treat you well too. i treasure my friends, esp the close ones. they're always there for me.. altho i shun them or if i'm having too hard or busy a time to contact them. why why why. i feel so detached. unplugged from the rest of the colorful noisy hubbab of the outside world. my skin changing color to fuse with the uniform i am dressed in. =\ i miss them all. mu.. owl.. auyong.. kim.. angie.. cheng.. argh..
i dunno what to blog about already. i dunno. dun ask mi. and i dunno why i am still in school. sux. i hope they close for as long as possible for dunno what reason. grr...
i was thinking the other day.. strangers show you some kindness and you act as if you take them for granted.. but its cos u either forgot or was too tired or busy... i kinda felt guilty that day when i sat in my feeder bus.. i had just run for it and i caught it cos the busdriver was so nice to wait for mi. haix... was blurred and slightly off balance when i boarded it. forgot to thank him/her. sat at the back pondering this issue of quiet gratitude..... or issit cos i reli can't be bothered? haix...
thinking now about the cold war i have with my dad of 3 years. been so long.. yet i'm so used to living like that........ why why.. today jessie told mi she saw jes after sch that day. with a guy, looking quiet chummy. she den went on to ask whether he was jes' stead anot.. what's up with the closed-mindedness? just cos a girl and a guy walk together or are spotted interacting with each other, you automatically have to assume that they're... a pair?
i dunno what's up with humans and pairing. but somehow this fact always serves to make mi feel uneasy while out alone with a guy. so i avoid it to my best ability. esp when i'm in school uniform. i'm not exactly reserved, and i know i'm not quiet or unfriendly... so why? sometimes i take it to mean that the uniform is a metaphorical strait jacket.. not on one who needs it, but on those who don't. thus driving one insane in the end anyway. proper movement is not possible. can't breathe. can't talk. can't be myself. adherence. restrictions. inactivity. i feel so.. dormant and so dead............... why do i even bother to blog in sch? only served to make mi churn out one depressing entry. as usual..
don't mourn me when i'm dead and gone... don't
16:26 tues 290403
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:06:00 PM
yep. waiting for dearie jes to call. fWaH. perhaps i should officially proclaim her as my gf. wonder if she'll like that.. haha.. today we were playing around in amk central and stuff.. as usual.. hahaha... back to ljs again.. ohhs. just got off the phone with her. she had to hang up.. =( hahahs.. gonna call again tho. =P yep.. den she joke joke call mi bf and gimme guy name.. waahahahs... --' if people dunno us, they will think we quite the er xin leh. hehe..
wah sian. two of my friends damn pissed with each other. dunno if i should one of them a fren. grr. xiao qi loh. wat can i do. pacify also dowan. go fan xing la.. still need people to qian jiu ni. blah. got something wrong ar. kaox.. one matter. dun sit same table u get pissed liao ar? wah sian. even jes also commented that. grr. i'm bound to make an enemy.. but heck lar... everyone also telling mi to heck. so fine, i heck. nabei la. already try so hard. bu yao jiu suan le. two people can play this petty game. similan. resend 3 msg long sms to scold jes also shuang. shuang loh. send mi also leh. i wanna read also. grr. nabei loh.. no point in giving chance also. suan le. guan ni. leave u to ur own devices. i heck care liao. adopt the heck care attitude den shuang le. dun care anything unless i'm in the centre of it. yeah. =D fine. i'm an egoistical bitch. should be fun being one eh? lol....
anyway jes is not the xiao qi type, neither does she hold grudges long. that time i scolded her on irc abit the much, she still greeted mi so qing qie in sch.. hai.. reli pei fu her patience.... i also pei fu my patience. my patience and my tolerance. dunno which fucking hell hole i'll be without it. ugh. listening to loads of songs esp eminem right now. winamp seems to fit my mood. loads of f*ck and m*thaf*ck.. muahaa.. kewl shit. today in ljs the people near us were playing hip hop songs on their radio or something... hahaha... lun came to visit us today. brought his fren michael. bleah. jes acting abit the racist today. kinda scary. cos loadsa malays around. then she was going on about how she hates them quite loudly. i was afraid they might come hantam us.. =/ and i kinda buay tahan racists loh.... haix.....
anyway sat around talking cork with lun and michael.. kinda lifted the mood. bleah. she said she had fun so it was kewl. when they left, we sat and talked den we hopped over to jollybean and got taiyaki and soyabean milk. hahahas.. den walked to mrt.. den i walked her to bus stop..... sent her off...
oh yah. ru guo ni bu yao ne me zuo, na bu yao zuo le. guan wo shen me pi shi. shi ni zi ji yao gen zong wo men lai de. wo men you mei you bi ni qu. hai you, ni shi gen ke sheng i qi lai de. wo men zhe li ye mei you wei. ni yao wo men zhen yang chi ne? nan ren dui nan ren yi qi chi shi you cuo de meh? wo dui wo de hao peng you yi qi chi he tan yi xie si shi ye bu ke yi ar? qu si le. si nan ren. ni ma hui hui shuo ta jue de zi ji hen da, ye you ap. na ni ne? shi bu shi yi yang? ni ye jue de zi ji da ma. qiao, ni de wang ji wang luo ming zi. na shi shen me? wo jue de na xing rong ni hen zhun. gao shu ni. wo yi jing shi zhui hou zhui hou de yi xie ke yi ren shou ni de peng you le. ni ye zhe yang fan wo. kan wo de jue ding yi jing hen ming xian le. wo bu yong yong ne me duo li qi qu xiang le. ni mei you ji hui le. bu ran ni ba zhe ge huai xi guan chu diao. chong dao fu ze. qu ni de. wo lan de qu guan le.
haix....... *still waiting for call*
night...............
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:45:00 AMThree Doors Down - Going Down In Flames
Don稚 tell me what to think
Cause I don稚 care this time
Don稚 tell me what you believe
Cause you won稚 be there
To catch me when I fall
But you値l need me when I知 not here at all
Miss me when I知 gone again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again
Don稚 tell me how life is
Cause I don稚 really don稚 want to know
Don稚 tell me how this game ends
Cause we値l just see how it goes
Catch me when I fall
Or you値l need me when I知 not here at all
Miss me when I知 gone again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again, yeah
Now, I知 all the way down here
I知 falling
I知 all the way down here
I知 falling down again
I知 falling down
I知 falling down
I知 falling down
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again,
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again
Now, I知 all the way down here
I知 falling
All the way
All the way down here
I知 falling down again now I知 falling down
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:04:00 PM
On a cold wet
afternoon
no room for love and emptiness
by a freeway
i confess i was lost in the pages
of a book
full of death
reading how we'll die alone
and if a god will lay to rest
anywhere we want to go
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
and on my death bed
i will pray
to the gods and the angels
like a pagan
to anyone who will take me to heaven
to a place
i would recall
i was there so long ago
the sky was bruised
the world was black
and there you led me on
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
in all i read
till the day was gone
and i sat in regret
in all the things i've done
for all that i've blessed
and all that i've wronged
in dreams till my death
i will wonder on
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
alone
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:45:00 PM
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:38:00 PM
What month should you have been born in?
this quiz was made by Erin
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:46:00 PM
o.0;
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:13:00 PM
if you think hard enough, you can relate nearly everything to anything. scary fact eh? yep. depends on perception and the way you phrase and relate stuff. that's cool. reminds mi of lit. ah.. the days of literature. how i miss them. =( sitting right at the back of class in our special eXtra 3 row table.. wahaha.. sitting and discussing n laffing over the literature text that was being gone thru in class.. ah.. i love mrs janet lim. =) haix. supposed to get the photo to her. dunno how to also. =( haix.... do remind mi. x_X and to scan mu's cny neoprint. do remind mi.. haix....
eek. *mutters to self* just got something weird. but.. erh.. nvm.. ignore that. ^^;
hmm.. anyway.. fluffy.. if you thot that yesterday's entry was a tad too bitchy and depressing for you, you haven't seen mi at my worst yet.. so bleah. =) that is mi getting into semi-ponder mood. i can't get into total ponder mood. cos loads of people read my blog, it seems. without my knowledge too.. gAhS. heh... saturday i woke up at 2+pm. actually wanted to go out meet jes in sch to see her hair. but in the end i din. woke up at 11 to find 1 missed call. fWah. changed mi phone back into vibration mode. couldn't feel the vibration previously.. ^^; haix.. mi phone's sapped of batt. die. gotta charge gotta charge!
replied to a few sms, dozed off, replied, dozed.. finally went to the living room to eat 'breakfast' at 2pm. haix. half the day gone. my hw. aRgH. i'm a procrastinator. haix.. and dith dith dith dear dith, who reSOLved to do hw during the weekend to clear up all ur 'debts' ? who who who? you. so go do. guai guai do. =/ oh wells.. 10 mins more left till my mom switches off the power to the comp. =( extreme measures, she told mi. at least she din nag today. at least. =) if i had told her what i was up to today she might have blown her top. hahahahahaha
today last minute decided to go for a quickie chan outing. bth. i need to spend my saturdays outside if not i find the weekend boh hua leh. XD at 5pm was discussing whether or not to go to this bball match at hougang blk 121.. bleah. as usual, hame enthu. (WAH SIAN) he left first. den ok ok ok FINE. i went to bathe. haix.. den may left. so i was discussing the plan with stephyyyyyyy.. (muahaha) oh wells.. mi nsd. dunno how to go. somehow ended up him picking mi up and bringing mi there. haix. mi such a baby. fWaH. kid mah.. wat to do.. =/ hahaha..
so i was waiting at the interchange where i always stand and wait for ppl. in front of breadtalk leaning against the green pillar. as usual some people promoting some fucking ass stuff over there. today it's nu skin. wah sian. so they see mi liddat, like quite grown up.. den approached mi. she got a shock when i proclaimed i din use skincare products and i condemned the lot. (but of cos i was polite about it. =X) hahahahah..... den she act so frenly towards mi like know mi v well liddat... --' haix.... talk about jabbing the shoulder of a stranger and shoving it playfully n teasing mi also. -__________-"" fWaH. lame loh
den when she finished. i stoned there awhile more. den guess what. aNoThEr of their sales staff came up to mi. this one reli reli worse. talk to mi in chinese. and i made it so obvious i din understand wat she was saying cos i was giving her this puzzled look like, ALL the time. pLUS i told her that her colleague had already put mi thru the survey. gah. in other words:" dun waste ur effort. sCraM" hahahahaha........ haix. maybe she thot i was just retarded n blur, perhaps that's why i din udnerstand her. gahs. this one also a playful one. argh.... still go on and on about nu skin. ask mi if i wanna make appointment. wah SIAN. dun understand salesgirls. =X haix........ say until mi skin v bad. that's the ONE thing i am PROUD ABOUT KAES. i hao lian about my skin. oh yeah. and it's the only thing that makes mi feel good about it so bugger off mi. bLEaRgh....
haix..... oh yah.. when i took the bus i ran into my neighbour. the one i helped during the storm remember? lol.. she was with a man.. i think her relative in some sort.. live next door also i think. ?_? i dun generally take note of this shit. (WAH FUCK. mom just nagged at mi. told mi to stop typing n threatened to access my blog, saying it's nonsense. do you guys think so? =/ tagtagtag..) arGh... irritating distraction. does she not know that this is partly one of the main things that keep mi TOGETHER and not IMPLODING upon myself and/or EXPLODING on others? aRgh... haix.. *backtracks* so anw, when we got off the bus i greeted her and waved to her. she smiled back at mi and said sth to mi (but i dun understand dialect) and she told the man i very guai.. blahblah.. =) at least someone appreciates mi.. at least........ i was happy. yep. oh wells.
anyway.. skipskip.. i'm a klutz man. totally. fWaH. dunno how to wear helmet. dunno how to strap it. dunno how to get on bike. fWah. dunno how to pillion. walking klutz dith. oh yaaaaaaaa. highlight of da day manx. first time i sat on a 'dangerous' transport vehicle today.. the motorbike. fWah. parents' nightmares.... accidents galore. wasn't bad lar. quite fun. =) i'm a cRaZed speed junkie.. fWah.. daytona..... but somehow i feel safer in a car that's going 200km/h down an empty road den on a bike. maybe it's the open air factor and that i could fall off anytime. i'm still skilless in riding a bicycle loh.. i wibble and wobble like fuck and take up the whole lane wobbling to and fro. wahahahahah..... haix. never was good at balance. =( dun trust miself to drive too.. heh
but interesting experience. thanks man. =P larkily nvr get seen by mom if not wahahahs.. but i betcha she'll be inquiring outta curiousity next about how it's like. ;) my mom's not a total no-funner k. hahahah.. perhaps i'll tell mi sis.. one day..... one day.... =)
so. went to the bball match. (interruption by mom AGAIN. aRgh. she doesn't understand my thirst to put down my daily escapades in words.. =/ said i cannot go out next time if i wanna go online so long. blah........................ BLAH =( uh. she's gonna off the fucking switch soon. I FUCKING HATE THAT.)
nvm nvm. think i'll fucking blog tml. 4.13am in the morning and i'm YELLING. yes i'm that irritated. ARGH.......................... next time should blog on paper instead. den scan and post. fuck. but that time took 3 hours to type 6 pages cos i was so distracted in between.. >_< haix. and it's so hard reading mi handwriting.. arGh
bball match was interesting but i din reli understand and i couldn't see. bleah. stupid hame kept making fun of mi. i always kena bullied. fwahahas.. but it's fun to get bullied. =X i get the attention. muahas.. yep. attention seeker here.. =X haix.. later left around 10 to go for supper at a nearby coffeeshop. had satay. kinda quiet outing tho.. only 4 ppl.. =( oh wells.. next outing got XMEN2!!!!!!! bobby drake~ logan!!!!!!!!!!!!! should be good should be gOOd! =D
i got home in time to avoid nagging. hEnG~ thanks alot too.. ;) treat you dinner next time.. fwahahas.. (and yes, i wun mention ｬ_ｬ fwahaha.. let's see how bad it'll be tml. =P) argh. dad tossing in his sleep. mom standing over mi like the B(lt)FG (big, less-than-frenly, giant) hahaha..... haix....... gotta sleep. homework day tml.... tatas.... night!~
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:21:00 AMRunning - No Doubt
Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
with you right by my side
Me
I知 the one you chose
out of all the people
you wanted me the most
I知 so sorry that I知 falling
help me up lets keep on running
don稚 let me fall out of love
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
Be
be the one I need
be the one I trust most
don稚 stop inspiring me
sometimes it's hard to keep on running
we work so much to keep it going
don稚 make me want to give up
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
The Future...
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:59:00 PM
there are many many times i do wish to just drop everything and escape to somewhere quiet, somewhere dat i won't be seen or heard. it's scary. it's lonely. but somehow in the midst of darkness, you find clarity of thot and a safe warmness like a security blanket that enfolds your essence into itself. many many times when i wanna pon sch, pon home, and just run. but one can't keep running forever. it will burn you out. shorten ur existance. and you'll reach the finishing line sooner than expected only to collapse in a fatigued heap at the red ribbon. i would everything would be as easy as abc. but nothing is. so i do the next best thing. in times of need i seek solace in a world of virtual reality. somehow i can be myself in somewhere feeling so fake. somehow... somehow... i can deliberately don't face people i do not wish to see or talk to. i can just come and go as i wish. and best of all, i can rant. i can rant and rant and rant to all my poor friends on irc. i can show temper, throw a tantrum, explode vehemently, get pissed and depressed all in one night. i can be vulgar i can cuss i can be violent. and at the end of it all, i can just claim that i was only playing. we play this game in real life all the time. so isn't real life so much the same as the internet? many parallels can be drawn from both worlds. the only thing we lack are faces and body language to piece the personalities with. wasting time, my mom calls it. but somehow without all the activity on irc, sitting alone in the chair facing the wall and the dark tv set makes mi feel like i am shut off, and everything is quiet. perhaps i am addicted. or am i addicted to the friends i have found or the solace i can find? i dunno. am not sure.
school. one's source of worry and stress especially when one is residing in sunny singapore. pri sch was a breeze, no problem. in fact i think it was one of the best years of my life. when everything seemed so clearcut and so real. yet it feels like it only happened in my dreams now. altho the bad times have shaped the negative aspects of me, most of the bad things that i recall, have come mainly from the teachers. you teachers are our lives' biggest influences, our role models. so dun freaking screw us up. dun freaking do that. but whether we like it or not. it is beyond our control. many teachers have indeed put a bad influence on children's early lives. the plastic mould of growing up. the basis of our morals, our values, who we are. how we exist. teachers from pri school have only taught me a few long lasting things. to care about self image. to care alot. to spark the awareness in me that yea, well. i'm more than a little tubby. i'm a fat barrel. to give mi false hope that i will somehow stay at your size if i'm lucky, ms sng. to tell mi that i'm a bad influence on the guys, even. to shun me. to accuse a poor child of being perverse and an attempted murderer. to take sides. to be bias. to pamper, to ill-treat, to abuse. (yes. abuse.) to nurse a feeling of hurt inside that grows larger and larger into a well of pity and hurt and sorrow and buried anger that keeps growing and growing. everytime you insult me. everytime you nitpick on me for no apparant reason and do not explain urself. everytime u criticize me for something i cannot help. everytime you blow a matter to a large degree. everytime you wrongly accuse me. everytime you encourage the class into laughing at me. this expounds into hurt. depression. mental problems. recluseness. loneliness. anger. etc into our teen life later. hiding behind our awareness. it will hit us squarely in the face later. and you. you will get ur retribution. u will. sooner or later. in this life or next. i will be waiting to see u fall. clutching ur crushed chest and ur shattered heart. nursing your wounded pride and ur demented ego. i will see to ur demise.
teachers have been the bane of my existance. supposedly told to teach, they instead impart upon impressionable youngers who still do not really have the ability to differentiate between right and wrong, knowledge that will harm/wound/turn them awry. for that, i salute you, teachers. i salute you for the world's problems. i salute you for my problems. i salute you, on behalf of the world.
thank you and goodnight.
-dith
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:46:00 PM
mm.. raining raining raining now.. i'm feeling sleepy.. so darned sleepy... haix.. today was quite good tho.. altho it started off quite shitty and i din feel like going to sch.. =\ as usual! hahahaha... haix. sorta overslept today.. woke up 6.30am.. sis needed to go sch.. fine la.. let her bathe first. cos she sec sch mah.. still got bright future unlike mi this crap shit in ajc.. blargh. by the time she finish, i confirmed late for sch.. so i thot that what the hell, i'll go to sch during break la.. went back to sleep.. mom nagging all the way from the study room... dunno what the hell she talking about.. just noise.. hahaas... finally woke up around 8am++ went to bathe.. by the tiem i finished, was 8.37+.. wah sian.. by the time i dried my hair and changed and packed mi bag it was around 8.50.. left and found out i missed the bus... argh.. it finally came at 9am... just missed the train by a few seconds. arGH. reached yck mrt station at 9.22am.. sia lan.. late for physics liaox... walked fastfast like siao to sch.. din get caught.. blah.. altho i'm always wary.. o.o
legs went abit wobbly while climbing the three flights to 134.. haix... went in, sorta apologized to saighor den took out mi tutorial.. i got do~ yay... den was paying attention in her class.. yepyep.. she asked mi a qn today.. o.o for once. i guess she din have any choice either.. wahahs... at least i got the right answer, but not reli the correct explaination =P
later found out chinese cancelled and the other periods shifted up.. XD yay yay yay! during break we celebrated mdm foo's '17th' bdae.. wahahas.. gave her the card with the cutouts of all our baby pics... she was so happy n touched. heh.. den mi classmate said that our class is ne me you liang xin.. hahas... oh wells.... i din eat the cake altho ev1 said it was good.. i was afraid mi damn tonsilitis would reappear to haunt mi.. again. =( went to kajiao jian, yz, angeline, etc.. 01/02 having break. oh wells... den mi classmates said they wanted to watch adam sandler in anger management.. wah.. movie.. o.o
altho mi dun reli like mi class much, i like movies! so decided to go~ heh.. lalalalala... today dismissed at 1.45pm.. so HAPPY ar.. so song~ for once can leave the damned premises so freaking early. =D yay yay yay
went to bishan to watch. bus 13 took its time in coming.. so zZzz.. reached there at 2.30+, bought 6 tix for the 2.45 show, den headed downstairs.. i got cheese fries (buy 2 for the price of 1~) with shuting, and the rest bought meals from mcDs.. smuggled our calories in past the unsuspecting eyes of the usherers.. hahahas... cannot believe it.. the smell so strong.. movie was good tho.. altho the ending sucked, imo.. heh. so L A M E the ending..but poor dave, he so suay.. haix............ if i him i also buay tahan leh.. o.o; jack nicholson so good (mi spelling wrong) at playing that guy.. wahahs.. got the psychotic look also..muahahas.....
after movie walked around bishan awhile den came home... before mi sis and before dark. for once. o.o; started raining not long after sis came home tho. haha.. she brought the rain with her~ =P hmm.. to sleepy to blog profoundly and with substance. another time perhaps? this is more like a narrative....... sian!~
wUv sleepydith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:52:00 PM
Icon War
haha.. check it out... interesting shit
=P
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:36:00 PM
today started off as a usual day.. kinda tired cos last night slept around 2am.. oh wells. after sch i somehow found the energy to haul my ass to amk. but i had company, so that was cool. as usual i spent a few good guilty hours pottering about in 212 wondering how to make myself useful. =/ but somehow i was unsuccessful. haix.. did some crapping to cover up, but blargh. den i opened icq and chatted to this random stranger online.. gee.. i get like one a day? wtf.
jes went to town to meet karene. *jealous* so after cca ended, i joined the guys (dunno why only got the guys) from synapse (3 of them) who wanted to head to amk to eat. so i as usual lar.. extraaaa. joined dem, headed to ljs (cos mi wanted to park n study there lata) sat my butt down, ate clam chowder and crapped. bleargh. quite fun lar.. haix... somehow i'm just more active outside my class.. dunno why either.. =/ after we finished eating, they left, and i shifted outside to a nice large square table to do hw. charlene and (forgot his name) finished shortly also.. den i told them i was gonna do hw.. the guy din believe mi. he joked, saying i was waiting for mi bf. bleargh. as if i have any. =( dowan any! hahahah.. only troublemakers. bleargh.
somehow my persuasion skills got stephen ahpa out. can't have ppl around mi leh. i can't conc.. LOLX. spent most of the time entertaining him with my mindless chatter rather than doing hw. haix.... but quite fun lar.. wahaha... aj council came by to eat. saw mi. (o.o;;) hope dey dun think wywy.. wahahaha..... haix. wah sian loh. i managed to get mi compre done. yay! but still got summary and aq. more or less can finish by today.. but *yawn* i'm tired.
damn shagged in sch today. reached home nearly 11 last night. today reached home nearly 12. omg. getting lata every day man. today triple break day. spent it doing phy tut on ac, den did some walking around and talking, den jes got break, so went to visit her. she doing econs. =( bleargh! later sat with her during chem lect anw.. so nvm.. hahaha..... but i spent 3/4 of it sleeping. same as the physics lect. i slept. den mr yip had to pinpoint mi.. o.o i was having a good dream leh! waccows.....
so blur today. spent the day in a daze. order hor fun also must blur blur think awhile first. muahahas.. den today phy teacher sai ghor asking us whether we dropped subj and what we dropped... most ppl in my class dropped econs.. so most of the time i heard "econs" "econs" "econs" den some took 4 As... so i sometimes heard "four" "four".. in the end, the person before mi said "four" and the people before her said "econs" ended up mi saying something reli reli stupid. i said "four-cons" omg. LAME! --' haaaaaix i paiseh like siao... laffing v loudly to cover up.. but mi wanted to dig hole. omg. fuck.
was having chem prac when i got jes' sms.. omg she actually waiting for mi.. pity i had chem enable lect, so stuck till 6pm. omg she still waited. o.0;; haix... treated her to a sundae pie at ljs later... i also met tyre on da way. wahahahs... he look abit like zs/james/aaron that pattern. ok larrrr... ok. :P not that great either. muahahahas.....
much much later around 8+.. managed to get stephen to come visit us again. hahaha.... den later on saw some hockey guys. i think got arthur, weitien and ty.. *waves* hahaa. lame... oh wells.... left ljs around 9+ to go to mos burger. ah pa stephen treated! yay! thanks~~~~ hahahaha... i know ur reading this. =P den he showed us more magic card tricks. shouldn't have man! jes kena addicted n fascinated. so childlike-fascination. o.o heh... lolx.....
in the end hai wo men stay there till 11pm.. waccow. my mom kao bei leh.. hahas.... luckily i caught the train home... oh wells.... hopefully tml will be as renao~ lalalala......
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:32:00 AM
in school now, 212, blogging, replying to mi tags and smsing. oh wells. today din go so bad, altho i think i screwed up the damn test on descriptive statistics. i know i know i know.. it's EASY for goodness sake! and i happily go and screw it up. =/ haix.. trust mi to do something so stupid liddat. thing is, i only read thru it once. one freaking time during chem and gp lesson. gahs.. trust mi to get confused over variance and standard deviation. =( die le. something i could ace that i screwed. proving how worthless my maths is as a student. =(
blah. didn't complete mi maths tutorial. no idea how to fucking do the damn thing. see la dith, nvr go tutorials and lectures.. you wanna die ar? at least these days i'm more or less trying to ground miself, doing tutorials or work either during sch time during mi free periods and/or breaks if mi not too tired or slpy.. or doing it after sch somewhere outside and spacious. eg: i've been going to ljs with jes to do some work.. we would eat den do work till the sky turned dark.. haix.. i dunno.. still deciding whether to head over there miself this afternoon after synapse.. studying in solitude.. might be fun.. =\ oh wells..
hmm.. would i be hurt by playing along to this incessant game? i dunno. i never know what's happening anymore, so i guess i should just continue playing the fool. yep. life is a game, play fair, play right, and have fun. o.o but mi fren told mi yesterday that for some things, there is no indefinity (is there such a word? bleargh.) and there cannot be, or the outcome would turn out even more screwy than before. like they say, nip it in the bud before an overblown and overgrown shitfilled problem hits you right smack in the fucking face. =/ i dun want that to happen, but somehow i dun want this to stop. it's fun.. but all fun must eventually come to an end. finality, that's what is said. every story needs an ending.. but what? and how... *blur and confused* am i unknowingly leading the sheep on? or what.. i never know what's real and what's not. and those things that i absolutely have no idea what to do, i usually choose to ignore until it will smack mi in the face. =\ arGh..
back to other things.. synapse is going into publication soon.. heh.. i'll get to see mi and pj's collab published. but somehow i dun feel accomplished. i dun like the way it was edited. it looks like a bodiless thing just floating. just floating... like mi. i'm a drifter, following the wind, no particular direction in life.. haix.. sadsadsadcase.. =(
i din go to sch on tuesday cos of many reasons. yep. i avoid what i cannot face. so sue mi. =P first off, i dun like tuesdays. long days with pe at the end and no common break with whom i feel is my only fren in the world (in ajc, that is) - jes. not only that.. 3 different tutorials of my main subjects.. which is equivalent, in other words, to state that it is my full tutorial day.. means work has gotta be done. work work work. however, there is the welcome 2 periods of mass civics in the early afternoon.. aka zhuo boh periods.. my fave.. o.o i heard the guest speaker for yesterday's was pretty inspirational.. oh wells.. bleargh. hmm.. furthermore i din do my maths tutorial (she din scold mi today.. whoopee~) neither did i do my physics nor my chem.. haaaix. lazy mi. =( today already scolded lazy by mdm foo. more about that in the next para. =P another reason.. i was avoiding pe like siao. mr koh angry with mi again, i predict. oh wells.. might threaten to send mi to principal again.. oh wells.. and he looks extra scary donning a white sterile face mask and white gloves.. o.0;; haix.. back to ponning pe again.. back tosquare 1.. just when i thot i was getting fitter and developing a better attitude (and muscles!) towards pe.. *_* bleargh......
today i more or less utlised my double free period. =D for break, i hung out with jes n yingzhi and rachel.. we chatted, etc. i asked dem to go for james' party + probable chalet + bbq on june 14.. yep.. must convince dem further.. btw for all you interested peeps, it's at zouk, 18 bucks i think.. =D 18 yrs n above.. heh.. so come come come.. nearer the time i will advertise and perhaps sell tix.. yeah~ the only deterant is that it's near mid year exam.. so that's bad.. horrible bad..but nvm! i will get my act together by then and den i can go~~ yeah.. h o p e f u l l y ..... =( hopefully. ^^ cheer mi on, kies? :D
for the second free period, jes left.. i was alone. headed to outside staffroom n gave mdm foo a ring on her handphone.. chinese one to one lesson with her.. discussed some article about how people in singapore are so fortunate and comfortable, yet they do not know and do not appreciate that fact, only complaining as they take it for granted, not having experienced harder times. i guess that article's reli relavant to us.. us youngsters.. born in the good peaceful post riots n post war times.. yep.. we only know how to complain. i'm liddat.. altho i KNOW i SHOULD appreciate what we have now as it wasn't easy to come by, i still complain. guess it has more or less become a integrated part of our lives. =( habit possibly? =P
shit. bell just rang not too long ago. gonna be crowded in here. ppl looking over my shoulder and whatnot. argh... guess i'm off now.. cya~
wUv dith (in 212) ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:47:00 PM
zZz.. somehow i ended up going for the #ajc outing on saturday. initially i was already intending to, so nvm. oh wells. since james decided to go w mi as he had nothing to do den, he accompanied mi to the outing. i met drew at bishan also. drew wearing uniform.. o.o heh. i recall seeing him in sch before tho. dunno when and how tho. >.<
waiting at the mrt station at db for hame to arrive. dunno what he would look like. somehow when i saw him i thot he kinda resembled aaron's -picture-. i reiterate: picture. somehow aaron looks so diff from the pic he sent mi. hmm... maybe it's the difference between wearing specs or whatnot. uhh.. dunno what to write about the outing lar... grr.. now no mood to blog also need to blog cos ppl requesting an entry.. grr..
chatted with hame abit. quite a frenly n clever guy.. omg. rjc. tian cai leh.. haix. later went to ps and bought tix and sat until butt pain till 7.45pm for byt, aaron and may to arrive.. after they arrived, more re nao.. yep. went to ljs to eat.. oh wells. mi ate the slowest. fuck sia. =( stephen decided to go in the end after i was bugging him.. bleah. came fully covered in black. --' only saw the bandage on his hand.. Zzz...
hmm.. den we went to watch movie.. johnny english. quite farnie lar. ok lar.. can do. bleah. typical of rowan atkinson tho. unrealistic but some bits reli quite funny. haha.. all the seats rocking with laffter at some point in time. bleargh. i changed seats with hame cos hame was afraid aaron might rape him. i'm sooo sacrificial. bleah. but reli, i dun mind sitting beside whoever loh. anyone's fine. as long as can crap and have fun together. blah.
supper supper supper. sorta got mi into shit with my mom (and dad) reached home at 2am.. smelt of smoke and alcohol. she got pissed and scolded mi for clubbing, wearing makeup (cos mi was damn red) and drinking. bleah. spoilt my mood only. =|
but fun day la......... i got mood i blog somemore....... but zZzz.... dowan
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:23:00 PM
from when i was afk til when i returned, the conversation went as follows:
[14:08] f|aW``out: bbl
[14:08] beL-: -laughs- -nods-
[14:08] beL-: eh... who are you?
[14:08] DarkThane> I am.
[14:09] Hatred\> ....
[14:09] beL-> my my, that's barely telling much
[14:09] DarkThane> that is in fact the shortest sentence in da english dic.
[14:10] DarkThane> bloody rain.
[14:10] DarkThane> i can't even go out buy lunch
[14:10] DarkThane> n hello yes u little cute thing beL-.
[14:10] beL-> it's shinning in my area. Anyway, where's dith?!
[14:10] beL-> .
[14:10] DarkThane> beL-: u stay in thailand?
[14:10] DarkThane> it's raining EVERYWHERE in singpaore!
[14:10] Hatred\> lol
[14:10] hame> darkthane u going or not?
[14:11] hame> not raining here.
[14:11] hame> :p
[14:11] DarkThane> dith is away inserting fingers into areas.
[14:11] hame> rain stoped.
[14:11] beL-> no... it's NOT raining here
[14:11] Hatred\> muahaha
[14:11] DarkThane> hame: i said alreayd, i'll go if someone tells me if we are doing anything constructive.
[14:11] DarkThane> beL-: so where do u stay?
[14:11] beL-> somewhere near town
[14:11] Hatred\> go and see snow
[14:11] Hatred\> =X
[14:11] DarkThane> ah we are talkin to a rich bitch here.
[14:11] DarkThane> :\
[14:11] beL-> bitch yes
[14:11] DarkThane> u know, the other day my friend got a brand new BMW for her birthday
[14:12] beL-> rich.. hardly
[14:12] Hatred\> wah
[14:12] DarkThane> fuckth thee man
[14:12] DarkThane> sucks
[14:12] Hatred\> bytytytytyytytt
[14:12] beL-> .....
[14:12] DarkThane> beL-: so yer from AJ? cos bitches dun come from AJ, only hags do.
[14:12] * beL- inhale sharply...
[14:12] beL-> that's saying alot here
[14:12] beL-> *inhales
[14:13] beL-> I might oblige you the favour of answering if you'd tell me who you are.
[14:14] DarkThane> ok i retract that, to generalise and condemn all the babes in AJ is indeed a sin.
[14:14] DarkThane> u want the conventional hi i'm a XXm or u want in depth
[14:14] beL-> what babes?
[14:14] beL-> depends on what you preceive me to be
[14:15] DarkThane> babes, i.e: dith.
[14:15] * DarkThane gags
[14:15] * ^FuZZy^ waves to DarkThane
[14:15] ^FuZZy^> Hi pal.
[14:15] DarkThane> lo fuz
[14:15] beL-> erm...she'd thank you for ur compliment
[14:16] beL-> * DarkThane gags
[14:16] Hatred\> .............
[14:16] Hatred\> LOL
[14:16] DarkThane> oh but dith loves me
[14:16] Hatred\> chao buaya
[14:16] DarkThane> com
[14:16] beL-> -laughs-
[14:16] DarkThane> com'on steph u knw dith loves me
[14:17] Hatred\> lol
[14:17] DarkThane> or else why would she lick me everytime?
[14:17] Hatred\> yes she absoblutely adores u
[14:17] ^FuZZy^> lols...
[14:17] * ^FuZZy^ @@
[14:20] Hatred\> esp the time u rumoured abt her
[14:20] Hatred\> hahahaha
[14:20] hame> ladeeda
[14:20] Hatred\> dying to cuddle u
[14:20] Hatred\> =D
[14:20] hame> is tabbie going?
[14:21] DarkThane> oh yeahh
[14:21] DarkThane> beL-: i bet u didn't know dith had a bf
[14:21] hame> wh ois tabbie?
[14:21] Hatred\> LOL
[14:21] DarkThane> rephrase: HAS a bf
[14:21] Hatred\> nvar die b4
[14:21] ^FuZZy^> lols..
[14:21] hame> hahahahah
[14:21] hame> lolx
[14:21] beL-> eh.... now?
[14:22] beL-> hmm... she didn mention
[14:22] beL-> but if it's *HAD*
[14:22] beL-> then yes, i do
[14:22] * DarkThane nudges steph
[14:22] DarkThane> BWAHAHHA
[14:22] DarkThane> okkkkk
[14:22] DarkThane> well she has now
[14:22] DarkThane> but what abt her HAD?
[14:22] beL-> ah... that would be her story to tell
[14:23] Hatred\> lol
[14:23] hame> who is dith?
[14:23] hame> shit man. i'm stranger to all the names.
[14:23] Hatred\> wait till she comes back see tis
[14:23] Hatred\> she'll simple adore u
[14:23] Hatred\> hahaha
[14:23] hame> ...
[14:23] beL-> tsk... bitching without her.
[14:24] DarkThane> meredith = flaw
[14:24] hame> oh!
[14:24] DarkThane> beL-: nah she'll read abt this soon
[14:24] DarkThane> so dith has HAD a bf before.
[14:24] * beL- hums......
[14:24] beL-> you were saying?
[14:24] hame> so does dith have one now?
[14:25] beL-> what's the lowdown on that guy?
[14:25] DarkThane> hame: according to very very reliable sources, yeah
[14:25] hame> hahahaha. ic.
[14:25] DarkThane> but she vehemently denies it
[14:25] DarkThane> so we'll take it as that
[14:25] hame> lolx.
[14:25] hame> maybe it's a gf.
[14:25] beL-> oh.
[14:25] DarkThane> beL-: he's a cutie :p
[14:25] hame> -_-"
[14:25] beL-> some kind of info.
[14:25] hame> name?
[14:25] hame> rank, name, nric no?
[14:25] hame> lolx
[14:26] beL-> i shall ask her later on......
[14:26] DarkThane> but girls only want to know if a guy is cute or not, just like guys only want to know if their friend's gf is chio or not
[14:26] hame> ...........................
[14:26] beL-> no..
[14:26] hame> yesh...
[14:26] beL-> that's a sweeping statement
[14:27] hame> so wat else u want le? :p
[14:27] beL-> who's he? name?
[14:27] beL-> what sort of guy is he?
[14:27] beL-> how did they meet?
[14:27] hame> bel wat's ur name?
[14:27] Hatred\> in the middle of a thunderstorm
[14:27] hame> i'll help u ask later.
[14:28] hame> lol!
[14:28] hame> :p
[14:28] * DarkThane can imagine dith's face twitchin when she comes back...
[14:28] Hatred\> muahahahha
[14:28] beL-> my name?
[14:28] Hatred\> noneed later lo
[14:28] Hatred\> hame go dat time paotoh
[14:28] beL-> -laughs- you've to pay a price to learn that
[14:29] Hatred\> den u kana liao
[14:29] Hatred\> =P
[14:29] * hame twitches dith's face for u all to see.
[14:29] hame> ...
[14:29] hame> i think i'm going to get banned by flaw ...
[14:29] hame> ????????
[14:29] hame> paotoh?
[14:30] * hame gives bel one cent.
[14:30] hame> kana wat?c
[14:30] hame> wat time?
[14:30] Hatred\> jz
[14:30] Hatred\> go la
[14:30] Hatred\> giv her a chance to smack ur face
[14:30] * beL- hands hame her/his one cent back
[14:31] hame> not enough ah?
[14:31] hame> my face valuable..
[14:31] hame> must give money to slap too
[14:31] hame> ;p
[14:31] beL-> hardly
[14:32] hame> dumdeedum
[14:32] * hame gives bel fifty.
[14:33] hame> ....
[14:33] beL-> why not save urself the trouble and jus ask me nicely
[14:33] hame> hmm ask nicely ah...
[14:33] hame> nice bel, wat's ur nice name?
[14:33] hame> ;)
[14:33] beL-> hmm.. who are you?
[14:33] hame> me?
[14:33] hame> just a nobody
[14:33] hame> :)
[14:34] beL-> awww...... that's sad, cause i don give any nobody my name
[14:34] Hatred\> her names isabelle
[14:35] Hatred\> =D
[14:35] beL-> hame's isabelle?
[14:35] hame> ????????????????????///
[14:35] hame> wat????????????????????
[14:35] DarkThane> hame = isabelle
[14:35] DarkThane> ok
[14:35] DarkThane> i din knw
[14:35] beL-> her names isabelle
[14:35] Hatred\> LoL
[14:35] DarkThane> but now i know
[14:35] * beL- looks vaguely lost
[14:36] hame> i'm not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[14:36] hame> DOH!
[14:36] Hatred\> LOL
[14:36] Hatred\> rofl
[14:36] hame> i'm a guy!!!
[14:36] hame> -_-"
[14:36] beL-> oh... neither am I
[14:36] beL-> obviously, Hatred's info is warped
[14:36] DarkThane> a guy with a girl's name?
[14:36] hame> oh... so you're isabelle.
[14:36] hame> icic.
[14:36] DarkThane> u should have been called Prune
[14:36] hame> hahahahahahahaha
[14:36] beL-> no.... i'm not isabelle
[14:36] hame> pune?
[14:36] hame> prune?
[14:37] hame> i not stupid.
[14:37] hame> :p
[14:37] Hatred\> puny
[14:37] hame> eh?
[14:38] Hatred\> ord lo
[14:39] DarkThane> i think steph, we should award ourselves with Champion Cock Talker
[14:39] Hatred\> lol
[14:39] Hatred\> bah
[14:39] hame> ...
[14:39] Hatred\> I goin off le
[14:39] Hatred\> u goin later?
[14:39] hame> steph is hatred right?
[14:39] Hatred\> no hame is lame
[14:40] hame> ...
[14:40] * hame slaps Hatred\ around a bit with a large trout
[14:40] hame> UGHHH
[14:40] hame> :p
[14:40] Hatred\> hmm
[14:40] Hatred\> what time the movie
[14:41] Hatred\> mus plan what time to appear
[14:44] hame> ...
[14:44] hame> u come at 6
[14:44] hame> else i kick u
[14:44] hame> :p
[14:46] Hatred\> ....
[14:46] Hatred\> whu are u man
[14:46] Hatred\> =X
[14:46] hame> eh
[14:46] hame> i'm a nobody
[14:46] hame> or i'm isabelle
[14:46] hame> hahahah
[14:47] Hatred\> I shall decide at 6 whether I wanna go =X
[14:47] Hatred\> I dnone to see flaw
[14:47] hame> hmm ok lorz
[14:47] Hatred\> hmph
[14:47] hame> why not?
[14:47] hame> cos the bf not u is it.
[14:47] hame> hehehehehe.
[14:47] Hatred\> lol
[14:47] Hatred\> *luckily*
[14:47] Hatred\> =X
[14:47] hame> lolx
[14:47] hame> okok
[14:47] hame> be sure to come k
[14:47] hame> try larz.
[14:47] Hatred\> Im in bandages la
[14:47] Hatred\> see how
[14:48] hame> hmm ok lorz.
[14:48] hame> be careful dere
[15:32] * f|aW fwaps DarkThane about the head with a can of tuna~
[15:32] hame> doh
[15:32] hame> hihi flaw
[15:32] hame> how's ur bf?
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:38:00 PM
today i was nearly late for physics test.. spent yesterday in a daze trying to cram information into my head. electrical circuits and stuff.. mi not good at that. bleargh. also damn distracted by my comp and the tv.. they were having this linkin park $2 bill concert thingy on mtv i think.. omg.. they played songs off meteora and hybrid theory.. *swoonswoondrooldrool* so suave.. :X heheh.. kewl shit. couldn't concentrate on my electromagnetism.. lolx..
stayed up till 2+ i think. not sure. kept dozing off and waking up with achy head.. head tilted in awkward postion or nodding off in front of comp.. haix.. woke up again at 6.30am to bathe and go to school.. oh wells.. raining damn heavy at balestier area. could hear the rain coming down in torrents from my house, and the sky was all dark and grey.. as dark as the future of my phy.. lolx.. kinda weird.. y'know you hear the rain, you see the rain, but it's not raining where you are.. but all around you.. o.0; interesting phenomena.. oh yah. last night on tv they were showing phenomenom.. i watched it a long time ago.. oh wells..
so this morning i was trying to decide whether to walk into the audi feeling very extra and v late or to take a cab altho i still felt unsafe cos of sars.. o.0; when i reached the road, i saw the bus pull off out of the corner of my left eye and a cab driving towards me from the corner of my right. so i stuck out my right hand and flagged the cab. cabby was so happy to see me. greeted me enthusiastically and stuff.. pity i couldn't chat, i had to study. so studied on the way over. it was raining over at amk that side.. dark clouds that were clearing up.. i happened to take a break from my notes (as i did occasionally to check my location and to check the time) and look out the window on my left. omg. a familiar yet so rare semi circle of color greeted my vision. nestled there amongst the soft grey clouds, it looked spectacular, framed by the buildings at its sides and the grassy area below, it stood out of the sky amongst those water color patches of grey.. soothing. o.0; wonder if anyone saw it? it was around 7.55am at amk central.. behind jubilee centre.. and continued for quite a long stretch.. perfect semi circle of 7 colors, barely blending into one another against a patchy sky, standing starkly out. one of the reli reli rare times i've ever caught sight of a perfect newly formed rainbow... O_O
paid $7.30 for the taxi fare. kinda steep. i think he drove too slowly or took a roundabout route.. maybe i'll just take it as viewing charges for the rainbow. bleah. reached audi in time and found a seat. finished the damn test with 30-40marks untouched and left at 10am. hopped to point x for awhile and chatted to juan. decade fren yz was also there, as well as shinrong, jun an and of cos jessie.. oh wells.. yep. i passed her the sars declaration form already. but i din pass up my chem. let's just hope he wun kill mi for that. =/
headed home around 10.20.. mrt quite crowded. took my feeder home and i saw an old schmate.. yeehan~ yep.. she's changed quite abit. became er.. more.. wen1 rou2? hahah.. reli loh. i think she's pretty now. not that she wasn't before, but now she radiates feminine charm in addition to her rosy complexion.. oh wells. why all the ij gals so chio cept for me? *cries* haihai~ =(
yep. heading out later tonight for a few gatherings. dunno which one to pick tho. =\ hahaha.. oh wells.. gotta do hw also and try to install the copy of wc3 i pirated myself! wahaha.. tataz~
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:08:00 PM
anyway.. i'm so darn happy today! i got a damn cd burner!~ OMG OMG OMG HAPPY LIKE SIAO OK! damn happy! school was as usual.. altho i had to chiong chem hw during my double break.. din wanna get maryanne into trouble.. in the end, postpone to monday. kao. i FINISHED leh! i did i did i did! lols.. loads of distractions around me tho.. but nvm! i finished!!!!!!!!!!!!! wahahhaas.. yep. after phy lect i went to the tables outside the library to do hw with a couple of my classmates.. cca at 2.30.. it was only 1pm.. sheesh.. hahah........ did maths tutorial.. mm! den stoned and chatted, but stoned more than chatted.
smsed kelv n pj to ask for venue. in the end realised both of them din bring phone. haix. same type one. whahah.. larkily i had to sense to trod down to 212. meeting was fine. meijun turned up. mm.. 2 more new j1s also. mr roberts did the usual scary act.. us trembling the already cold aircon.. oh wells... i feel like such a slacker. i should pull my socks up and roll up my sleeves and do some work....................... =/ gotta print fonts.. remind me! ugh.........
hmm.. later pj left for novena.. but she left her stuff behind. passed them to kelv to pass to her.. lol.. oh wells.. pj dear~ be less forgetful! =X must have been something big going on where she was heading. o.0;; tml is her friend's bdae.. i think i'll go and just... stare longingly at the cake.. wahha.. den wish the bdae boy.. ^^ later on packed up and walked outta sch with quan han (correct anot?) and kelv.. kelv took a bus, so i was left with him. mr roberts calls him jeremy.. cos it's easier to pronounce (and remember) so perhaps i'll still to it too.. =D quite a nice guy. laid back. although not very hyper.. heh.. but easy going.. took some time to warm up tho.. today my brain was on dead_+ crap mode. oh well. couldn't think of anything intelligible the whole day. omg. i am sooo screwed. anw, i was headed to bugis.. and he was headed to the green line.. so got to know him better.. haha.. met lex at bugis.. went to sls.. to look at my lao gong. omg omg omg my lao gong so damn chio+yandao arrrrrrrr!!! *faints* i forked out $92 for him and $7 for 10 blank imation cdrs.. need to get more.. ASAP! running out quick. and it's only the first day. i've used 3.. gonna burn like.. at least 1 or two more.. eh.. let's make it 1.. heh.. yep.. must run down to sls again.. asap. o.o; oh wells...
walked around sls learning loads bout pcs. pity my brain was on -away- status. blehs.. later headed to bugis with my lao gong close to me.. mi holding him in a plastic bag. wahaha.. so chio........ =D~ couldn't wait to get home to fix him up and use him and stuff.. =D XD wah .. so ureshii.... atashi wa kyou ga totemo ureshii desu yo! hontou ni~~ shiawase... heh
had a drink and read the newpaper (lol, dun ask why. found it on the seat of my chair in bugis food court) as well as chatted.. everyone now and then i would steal glances at my new lao gong~ so chio... departed at 8.30pm.. i went home.. in the end i told my mom.. wahah.. she wasn't even angry. blargh. quickly i took out the casing of my comp.. fixed up the cdrw, but encountered a problem. stupid thing.. dun have the sort of slider thingies.. grr.... had to call lex... (gomen! mi damn troublesome... *cries* and baka.. extra baka today..... *gomen!*) doubt he will see this tho. he dun like to read blog. waahhaha.. oh wells.. i feel so guilty. =| but mi so so so so so grateful. and i so so so so appreciate his help. so thanks a buncha~ ^^ swapped dvdrom with cdrw.. only one of those thingies.. grr.... fine loh... my lao gong so much more good looking.. heh. ivory and blue~ so chio.....
mi haven't done anything cept fix up comp, talk on phone, and burn burn burn the whole day. oh well. 2.30am. panda. shit. haaaaaix. sure die. =( tml got gp haven't do transparency yet. fwak....... homework homework homework. bogged down by fucking hw....... hehehehehehhe......... LAO GONG WO AI NI! *rapes tdk cyclone* =D~~~~~
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:29:00 AM
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:35:00 PM
fine. be that way. FINE. oh. and i missed the fucking bus this morning. the only good thing that happened. i didn't get booked. they just told me and a few more latecomers to join our classes. so we TRAMPED in feeling like everyone was looking at us. wp saw me walking by and he smiled and greeted me. not a bad start to the day. not a bad start. someone actually FUCKING smiled at me. thanks. =) oh well. another highlight was the mini band concert during mass civics today. i loved the music. took my mind over how i was feeling. this feeling of numbness, loneliness, feeling neglected and all fucked inside. after that was the mass lunch break. mad rush for the canteen. madmad rush. oh. and pj smiled at me today. another smile. thanks a bunch, dear. =) while mickey tan was talking i was stoning and thinking. thinking about all of this. in fact my mind was on this shit the entire fucking day, thank yer very much. thanks for NOTHING. why gimme this fucking headache. why. i don't deserve it. i don't FUCKING deserve it. ajc was a mistake. my class is a mistake. i am the fucking mistake. please erase me. not to mention jes was not in school as she was feeling unwell. take care hor. ^^ haix. lost in a sea of blank faces, where am i to go? drown or join the faceless crowd? i'm drowning. i'm going under. and if this gets worse i might either get a fucking box of prozac or fucking kill myself or fucking stop going to school altogether. or i could just grit my teeth, set my jaw, harden my heart and try to survive 2003. i hate 2003. it's a fucking year. it could very well be the end of the world. war. sars. my fucking life. what shit. i am plagued by shit this year. i am gonna die in shit. what a blessed life. pah. well, i guess if you've had the patience to read till here, congratulations. you now are free to go SPREAD FUCKING UNTRUE RUMORS about me in irc, or CONTINUE FUCKING UP MY LIFE. whatever suits you. whatever does. i am beyond caring. i am beyond anything. can't face anyone right now. i feel like fucking crying. felt like this in school. needed the warmth and solace of my home. needs. why does a human have to have them. fucking hell. fuck you.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:10:00 PM
what number are you?
this quiz by orsa
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:51:00 PM
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:51:00 PM
today was a weird day. loadsa mixed up feelings today. somehow after sleeping at 2+am last night i managed to drag my sorry ass outta bed at 5.37am in the morning to bathe. no wonder i was feeling damn shagged. could barely walk straight. oh well. after the cloud of sleep-fogginess more or less cleared from my system, i stumbled into the bathroom and took a loooong bath. only came out an hour later. blah. but was refreshed and more or less ready to face the school day, whether i liked it or not.
sat around trying to dry my hair while chatting to my mom. ugh. long hair. had to tie it later. don't like to let my hair down while in school uniform. no idea why. it just feels weird. *shrug* but that's just me. and funnily enough, when i'm in outing clothes, i don't like to tie my hair.. it just feels weird too! haha.. funny huh. *chuckles* towel-drying your hair sure takes an eternity. in the end i combed most of the water out of it, let it dry by itself for awhile while i packed my school bag, and tried to get all my things into order, with about 5 minutes left to spare to change into uniform and dash downstairs to catch that infernal 235 bus. blah!
my hair was in a mess when i tied it, and still rather damp, as always. and yes, i was wearing my towel over my underthings before changing into uni. blehs. gah. realised that i didn't pack my pe things so another mad scramble. uh oh. 7.00am. fuck. bus is a-coming! stuffed everything into my bag making it look bulky and rather odd-shaped and caught an empty lift. funny. normally at this time, the lift is packed. lift peak hour. oh well. good for me too. ^^ managed to walk to the bus stop before the bus came. in fact, i even had to wait for the damn contraption. ugh. it came about 3-5 minutes late. argh! i was so worried that i would miss the mrt train. but my hairtie was triple-tied, so it wouldn't come loose in case i had to make the mad sprint to school from the mrt station. haix. bus was oh so freaking slow today. it practically C R A W L E D. not to mention people got off at stops, so more waiting time involved. ugh. they changed the buses. now it's the new fangled one with the space to stand right in the freaking middle where more seats should be, and two tvs.. and that stupid seat that is practically useless as instead of being a two-seater, it has this freaking lump of bus-seat material sticking out of one seat like a camel's hump. wonder if anyone knows what it is for. if you do, please please please enlighten me. it's bugging the shit outta me.
bus crawled to a stop at the interchange at 7.10am. omg omg omifreakinggawd. 2 minutes to get my sorry ass and my outofshape bag to the gantry and downstairs to the train. i walked like a soldier, past people, even exited from the front of the bus. bleah. made it to the first arrival notification signboard with 1 minute to spare. gahs. began to run abit. normally in train language, it means the freaking thing is approaching. took the stairs down in time to hear the roaring sound of an approaching train and got in front of the double doors with seconds to spare. saw a teacher that i always saw at braddell mrt station. i think she's the pd tutor of 18/02 and decade fren yz's maths tutor. forgot her name (again!) tho. haha.. she was talking to a couple of her students. wonder why she changed to taking from tpy instead. *raises eyebrow* nope, i have no idea too. din see manyi around, unfortunately, so no one to chitchat to while doing the usual bit of commuting.
was quite stoned in the mrt, and the golden-orange sunlight that filtered through the glass panels hurt my eyes. either it was too early, or it has been long since i've seen the morning sun. *shrug* bag was killing me with its stone-like heaviness. 2 ten year series, my file with loadsa messed up papers, my pencil case, pe attire, etc etc. blargh. not to mention it was big and it blocked the way. =/ last time my bag was too small to fit a file and i complained. now it's roomy enough and i still complain. oh well. one is never satisfied.
oh yah. talking about my pencil case, i'm so so stupid. ugh. bloody me. i left my most important stationary at home! arGh! my pencil, my pen, my correction fluid and my eraser. gawd. then i learnt that we had ionic equilibria class test that very day. --' thank goodness i had the sense to just bring the condensed version of that topic - my notes that i wrote and summarised. so did some last minute speed learning a few minutes during the break after pe and the few minutes before the test itself, during maths tutorial. grr. had to pop by the bookshop for awhile before maths tutorial and dish out $3.70 for a pen and a mechanical pencil (with an eraser of course) as stupid me left my stationary at home, but brought my pencil case with all the obselete writing instruments. grr. at least i remembered to pack my calculator and my spectacles or i would have been more in a fluster and more at loss today. haaaaaaaaaaaaaix. but go me. i didn't want to borrow from others, and i didn't. ^^ i dunno if i'm right, but i sense my classmates see me funny. and perhaps some have slightly negative opinions about me that they keep to themselves. i dunno. i just sense this aura. or perhaps i'm being too freaking paranoid and conscious. haix. at least i didn't further irritate the shit outta them by borrowing their stuff to use.
grr. the tent set up outside my house is having its usual chinese festivities again. no idea what festival it is this time. there are people singing, playing music. and i predict an auction is coming up, after all the praying. hungry ghost festival? with the ge tai? dunno. at least the volume is bearable this time around.
sat through a very interesting maths lecture on permutations and combinations today. mr tan sl has really improved on his teaching methods since we last had him during the lecture on vectors. =) he prepared transparencies, although he lost one and had to write it from scratch for us. but it was good. got sleepy towards the end tho, like i always do. if you look at something or listen too hard, somehow drowsiness sets in. really interesting lecture. althouh i didn't have the lecture notes. =\ gotta borrow them from someone again. argh. fuck. i hate borrowing stuff. i have this feeling that when i do, people will feel irritated but lend it anyway since they're supposed to act oh-so-nice and stuff to everyone, be it beast, man or dith. ugh. then they eye you with this ｬ_ｬ look, i feel. it's just not nice to borrow stuff. =\
ms tan huay lian nagged at me for the tutorial 25 again today. she told me that if i didn't hand it in by 5pm that day, she would make me stay back. of course no one human could finish it by 5pm. especially since i had class till 4.45pm, and today was a normal long day, with nada econs breaks. so i already mentally planned to hand it in first thing tml morning. yet, i am here blogging. i should be rushing maths tutorial or it will be another sleepness night for me. and another possible relapse of tonsilitis AND i'm still recovering. this is sick. oh well.
for chem we had the ionic equilibria test. sian 1/2. i shoulda studied way beforehand. then i could have aced it. ionic equilibria was one of my favorite and best topics last year. i actually listened and did tutorials for it. the wonders being conscientious can do. if only i had been conscientious for the past year and such. then i wouldn't have to worry about mugging for As and trying to get perfect 3As. blar blar blar. =\ after we finished the test with blanks in between and many cancellations, we peer marked it in pencil while mr lim went through on the whiteboard. ms wendy koh's class was waiting outside, so she closed the door so they wouldn't see the solutions as they would be taking the same test in the same classroom the period after ours. 23/02. jes' class. i saw her and tried to tell her abit about the test, but we were rushing for time so i half mumbled and we went our separate ways.
mm. still have yet to talk about pe. so skipskipskip back to 3rd period. after chem lecture, and alot of zoning out in the nmr lecture conducted by dear mr lim himself, as me and jes couldn't understand, it was time to change into my pe things for another stenuous physical and mental war with myself, the pe teachers, and the redred track that comes out color. --'
jes was feeling abit sick during chem tho. wonder if she's fine. i checked with her during the common break we had after my pe, and she said she was fine. o.o
today there was a new face amongst the pe teachers. turns out she was a student from 15/01 last year. whoa. the wonders will never cease. first you have jackson, now you have this female teacher. she takes my class. ms ong wasn't in sight at all today. i kinda miss her. *sniffle* lol.. to that, jessie remarked: "yeah right." wahahas. but i meant it. where's the jovial ms ong who's always crapping with me? =) min yee din come to sch today. no one's contacted her and we dunno how she is or why she's not in school. she's not the sort to cut class, so i guess she's sick. hope she's alright tho. although i don't really like her, or mix with her. heh
ran one round warmup after mr koh's usual lengthy lecture and talk about how our fitness has deproved tremendously and blahblahblah.. how half of one of the classes failed 2.4, blahblahblah, how napfa was postponed till the first week of may, (which was greeted with smatterings of cheers and whoops of joy).. and somemore blahblahblah.
an example of one with horrible fitness is me. did one round and was sort of panting at the end. talking to shuting. but somehow chatting takes my mind off the running my legs do. haix. it's really mind over matter for me. once i get over the mind bit, i'm ok. i can train, but again, it's my mind.
taf people departed for taf group pe lessons after the stretching exercises after our run. i learnt that we had to run 6 rounds (for the girls) omg omg. 6 freaking rounds?! at first mr koh wanted me to do all of them at one fucking go. omg i can't. i will sooooooo die. torture sia. so we had a compromise. 3 rounds, walk 100m, 2 rounds, walk abit and then jog the final last bit to the finish. ok.. sounded reasonable. yay! so proud of myself ok. i did it. it was hell at first, but i was sort of stoning at the track and telling myself not to stop however strong that bloody urge was and however loud that fucking voice in my head was screaming to me: STOP NOW YOU IDIOT. I WANNA REST. REST. LEGS HURT. ARGH. TIRED.
later we headed to the courts to play netball. at first was 4vs4 amongst the girls, then we played with the guys.8vs8. at first he wanted to split us evenly into groups of girls and guys, but us feminists declared we wanted to wage war, so be it. he let us. and he even joined the girls' team. hahaha.. our handicap. i dunno who won in the end cos we didn't really keep track. lol. it was a somewhat fun game in the scorching heat of the sun. eunice got injured tho. she sprained her ankle badly. =/ and she ran with me for most of the 6 rounds. mr koh too. LOL i wanna run with mr koh. gives me moral support and encouragement. ^^ i dunno if i enjoy the extra attention or if i fake being the most unfit student during pe. unfit, yes. i admit i am. but i always perform below my capability. and the attention. the pe department knows my name so well. gawd. i bet they even dream about it in their sleep. lol! so cool. i haunt their lives! muahahaha.. *hollow laughter* but yep. i reli am damn unfit. but getting fitter! =) building up stamina right now. as for the attention, well, sometimes it gets on my nerves, but i'm more or less used to it, so whatever. =P
during lunch break i only had a yam bun. the canteen was so fricking full as always. we couldn't find a seat. today i hung out with jessie and sok teng. ok.. but can't really talk to them these days. ah. dun care also lar. blehs... sometimes i feel like i was put in the wrong class. i don't really fit in and i don't really get along well with any of the girls. and for the usual gender segregation at aj, i deem it weird to be seen hanging around the guys all the time. so blar. blar blar and blar. anyway shiling said she didn't like the girls in my class today. heh. cept for jessie tho, since they're like sec sch pals. but jessie was my good friend from 1st 3 months. my. have we drifted. now she's on to sokteng, and i'm.. well.. more with jes. =)
companied sokteng around today for some photog stuff and to look for some people. den went to the library to use the comps. arh.. boredboredbored. comps there were freaking C R A W L I N G. 32mb ram. omg. took me 15 minutes to access ivle, log in and open the self study lecture notes for maths. 17 pages in all. i'm supposed to go print it out now. but blarh. soon soon. after i finish this darn entry. and yes, my day isn't over yet. why oh why am i boring you guys with all the details of my boring life. yawnsville.
had double gp after that. mrs leow was on 2 days mc so i heard. apparently she fell and injured herself. i do hope she's at home. currently there's this common fear of hospitals that we all have. the dreaded four letter abbreviation. SARS. today my mom made this remark that set me chuckling. we watched the advert of fear factor on tv and we were also previously discussing the sars epidemic. so she wondered aloud what would they do if faced with sars in an episode. of course that won't happen on tv. but hey, in actuality, it IS supposed to be REALITY TV. so hey, add the sars for a lark, it's everywhere! haha.. yep. cases now in the US even. yep. even the usa aint insusceptible to this epidemic.
we had to write an essay during gp lesson today. i did the one i was doing a groupwork on. "'fools rush in where angels fear to tread.' are risk-takers fools or heroes". see, i even have the damn title stuck in my head. --' i finished the essay, although the conclusion was rushed. erm. 2 lines? so unlike me. but rushing for time leh. physics prac up next. sai ghor. bleargh! loads of people couldn't finish. haha..
LOL. somehow gp reminds me of theng yiu. cos he passed the message ms ang siew lian passed to him today. about doing the essay and bringing the animal connection notes on wed. yep. i was running the 4th round of 2.4 today with mr koh. he came running past asking for a break as his stomach was itching like crazy and he wanted to head to the little boys' room to hopefully alleviate it with tap water. later he came back and ran with us. mr koh remarked that perhaps he was suffering from love handles and he was too young to have them. then i said perhaps he didn't bathe. haha.. oh well. den mr koh said maybe he had stretch marks or something like that. ran for about 200+ metres. took my mind off running. light hearted humor and chitchat. bleah. but LOL about his stomach itching. wahahhaa.
physics was another touch and go thing for me. she went through the emi tutorial today. eek. i didn't do. i didn't even copy any of the lecture notes as i wasn't in school either. haix.. but i copied what she wrote on the whiteboard and paid attention, hopefully looking attentive and interested. yes. i was interested. honest! the next period we did practical. more circuit connection stuff with resistors and shit like that. easy shit. and fun! lol..kinda reminded me of permutations and combinations as we had to find 7 ways to connect the 4 resistors in order to have 7 different readings. interesting...
borrowed emi lect notes from jessie after prac. she was running slow on the prac, so i offered my readings for her referral. didn't have the same combinations. --' cept for one. felt so useless. took her notes home while she went for the chem FOE remedial. i skipped. i wanted to get my sorry ass home to chiong my maths tutorial 25, altho somehow i STILL am stuck blogging. and i'm only 3/4 done. ugH.... better wrap this shit up.
after school sorta hung around with the girls as they were also going home. walked behind, didn't reli talk, like i usually do while in their company. i only get along well with a few. most of them... nothing to talk about and i don't really like them either. haix. one reason why i dislike going to school. i feel so extra. and unwanted. =( i need to feel like i belong and that i am actively making noise most of the time. i dunno lar. that's just me. saw the two guys walk past. wanted to walk with them and head home, but in the end i decided it would be extra and the girls i was walking behind would kinda.. dunno. i dunno lar. i feel so caged up in ajc. so caged up and restricted and QUIET. omg fucking sucks. my wings are clipped in blue-grey uniform. yadayadayada. oh yah. today i saw mj junior in aj uniform. she's wearing it so soon. oh well. i also did too, cos my ij uniform was freaking humongous and made me look more pudgy than i already was. she smsed mi later to apologize if she was rude or anything cos she was with her friends. *shrugs* this is the aj way. live it or drown cos of it. heck care attitude one.
waited for them to head to the lockers, happily chatting cept for one - me. they got out their pe stuff still yammering like happy birds on a too-early sunday. blahblahblah. two of them headed to the canteen to get a drink. so the rest cleared out and waited in the foyer. we walked to the mrt. 5 of us. a pair in front a pair behind. and me in the centre, silent. and alone. i must start to convince myself that being alone and being quiet is ok. although it might be frowned upon by some, esp myself, but it's ok. at least in aj. gotta learn how to survive. haaaaaaaix. thank goodness i heard a familiar voice behind me on the way. shilling! chatted with her and her friend instead. interesting, huh? how i can chat with others happily and enthusiastically, while with my classmates its mostly to assure them that yes, i'm still fucking alive and in their face.
headed home with her in the mrt with her chatting and laughing. so happy i met her on the way. totally ditched my classmates somewhere behind or some shit like that. i think they were in another carriage. anyway we reached tpy. shiling wanted to buy dindin so we got dindin. she went soya mad. she saw the yew char kuay and the bean curd and she bought bean curd and soya bean milk. then she got chicken rice, i think. i dunno what she said in chinese. --' later headed upstairs to mcDs to get nasi lemak for her grandaunt. yep. she's my other decade friend. =) actually she reminded me that it was a miscount. actually it was 11years. whoa. i know yz for 11yrs. o.o ^^ =D and shilling~ hahah.. i helped her order nasi lemak cos somehow she din know how to order it without the meal. --' twas $3.50. heh. after that went to wait for bus. our buses are pretty much in the same area, so we waited together. my bus came first, cos the queue for hers was damn long and the bus was damn crowded and she was carrying lots of food. haha.. she said she felt like an auntie. LOL
was beginning to rain. sky overcast and shit like that. i got on the bus. bumped into my next door neighbour. nice old woman. although i cannot communicate with her. didn't have a seat. this lady asked mi if i wanted to sit down beside her and she made room for me. *blur diao* din want to trouble her, so when the bus stopped at the traffic light, i stood in that empty section (YOU SHOULD PUT SEATS THERE) and stoned. i noticed my neighbour was carrying loads of barang barang. heavy and stuff. and it was raining and all. oh well. when the passengers cleared out, i got into an empty seat diagonally in front of hers. readied my umbrella cos i think she didn't have one, and i was already planning to help her carry that gigantic bundle of hers for her since we live on the same floor and side by side and all.
it was more of a heavy drizzle with strong winds when it reached the bus stop. the old lady took out a plastic bag and put it over her head to brave the rain. --' anyway, when the bus stopped, i offered to take her biggest bundle, and sheltered her with my umbrella although it was next to impossible towards the end as the winds were trying to blow my umbrella AND MY ARM away. -_-' so i became the polite and considerate side of me today. held the lift door, etc etc. den i put the bundle in her house, smiled and bid farewell to her den i got into my own unit. mom reminded me that there was a shelter. --' guess i din remember cos i don't use it. *shrug*
den i came home, stoned, ate, watched aXn and now i'm on the comp. blogging for close to two hours now. better stop. gotta eat, print out maths notes, do hw and sleep. i need my beauty sleep. nighterZ.
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:54:00 PM
jarred sounds jarred sounds. the music will be jarred. =)
it's nearly 1pm now. heading to pe dept to ren cuo and be guai kia in front of them.. =\
wish mi luck. wish mi luck.....
*hopes*
-off and away- (bbl)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:00:00 PM
feigned clarity
am in 212 now.. short blog before i head for phy lecture.. haix.. went to sch late today.. reached about 9.45.. had no mood to go in the morning, besides, i was running late.. woke up at 7am.. haix.. had to forgo chem lect, chinese and gp.. was around in time for maths tho.. guess the best i can do now is to make the best of my situation and be happy that i'm least studying in a jc.. one of the more prestigious paths that education can lead us..
guess i should try to manipulate how others react towards mi.. for the teachers, show that i reli am trying v hard, but i just can't.. show that i am quite pathetic and let them pity me or sympathise with me. that's the least i can manage. so they won't get on my case so much or be so angry with me. i can also be polite to them, listen.. nod.. agree.. whatever.. trying to improve the situation now.. today around 8am mdm foo called mi house. haix..... felt quite bad.. so i went to see the pe dept immed when i reached sch.
as usual, my common adversary, the bus, took off without me.. haix.. nvm.. wasn't rushing for time anyway.. reached sch.. den the lady sitting outside the general office beckoned mi over. she looked somewhat like a pushover, i could have walked away, but i din wanna get into more shit. so i went over, she questioned mi.. she asked mi to wait for mr sim, and explain to him. ugh what else can i do but fabricate a lame story about me having to go home to get something. i told her i came in the morning, and no, i wasn't sick.. and that i had to see a teacher urgently (which was sort of a white lie, at least).. she couldn't find mr sim, so finally she let me off.. *sigh*
went to the pe dept and hung around looking damn extra. 23/02 having pe, met jes.. talked awhile den she had to go run 2 rounds.. finally found ms ong with the help of the new teacher. ms ong at mph there.. she told mi to see her today at 1pm. dunno how long it'll take. pj, if you're reading this, i might be late for cca if she decides to take more than an hour and a half to talk to me. ugh. prob might send me for counselling too.. oh well..self-inflicted shit. caving down upon my head. =/ she din reli look angry tho. was happy when she saw me. shouted my name as usual.. haix..........
went for gp lesson like 40 mins late. luckily mrs leow not around. i went into class and they all greeted me with resounding hellos, saying that i owed the pe dept, like, 300 rounds around the track. yay. congratulations. blah. pish pash. do that loh.......... ugh.. somehow, i'm 'proud' of my acheivement. i'm kinda happy, tho in the wrong way, that i have come to aj and left an imprint upon alot of people's lives. in this sense, i think i'm abit insane. oh well....... i do this in like every sch i go to?
interesting how my classmates are suddenly so warm towards me when i've sort of 'made the headlines'...... everyone knew that i owe 300 rounds. reparation costs? -_-" haix.. normally they dun even care if i live or die. crazy people. crazy school. but i welcomed the attention. me. the attention seeker. haix........ why can't i just be an ordinary low profile student? oh wells......... not my style i suppose.
mood improved exponentially. =) i was talking and laughing like a normal person. had maths tut and jes called mi halfway. wish i knew. i wish i left there and den to be there for her, like she always is for me.. oh well.....
yep. 12.09pm. phy lect soon. den meeting with pe dept. den cca. den bowling and hw. den more hw. and more. i should go into a cave and be a recluse/nun.... aiyah...
ja~ ^^
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:11:00 PM
"i dunno why you sound so nasty today..."
"why is she so quarrelsome today.."
"maybe her friend uploaded all the boyfriend problems at her..."
"don't blame ajc for everything..."
"hui hui is a bad influence..."
"who taught you how to speak like that.."
- random quotes from mom. more to come. i get new ones every day.
fine. i actually explode in person. sue me. and i mean, reli. sue mi for being ur daughter who finally shows how she is reli feeling. do you care? you blame it on my friend. say she's a bad influence. is she? hardly. just cos she wants to get married at 21? what's wrong with that. maybe i should make friends with a prostitute or drug dealer or whatever. not that they're bad or anything, but i'm trying to state a point here. some of my ij friends go clubbing, you call them bad influences. that time after i came home smelling of alcohol from the channel outing, you told mi not to go out with them again. i dun reli swear at home unless provocated. i dun drink excessively. i dun smoke. i dun do drugs. i dun even run around having random sex. what's the matter. tell me. sometimes i wish i could just sit here long enough to start to rot.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:45:00 AM
random spat
i detest alot of things right now. i think my patience reli is wearing thin. how come i am so patient to people whom i am not that close with, and so irritable and explosive with people who know me very very well? good eg would be my family. not that i dun love them, but i flare up and get annoyed so easily at alot of things. issit just me? or what. i dunno.
nearly wanted to hack people into pieces today. my mind did, but my body remained silent and smiling. silent and smiling. why do i play this infernal game of facades. why. cyndi irritated the piss outta mi today. yes she did. i dunno what's with her, but she managed to. these days especially. acting like she knows so much. as if my knowledge is not even comparable to hers. that time with the physics question. acting as if i'm her charge for a tuition session. fine. that one was more or less bearable. i sat in the chair looking my best and trying my best to listen to her, and nod and smile and accept. and accept. i hate myself for easily accepting alot of things and not doing things about them. why can't i stand up for myself for once. i just sit back and let everyone hit at me. what am i? a sadomasochist? but i can't do something. people will stop turn stare. since when did dith become violent or explosive. since when. it's so outta character. these days i hardly blow my top as compared to years ago. haix....... i'm in trouble in school again. i wish i could just dig myself a hole and crawl out of this mess. self-induced mess. how did it end up like this? a bit of petty rebellion does one no good, dith. it's not worth it. there goes the voice in my head. ignored. and then i do something totally outta my character, it seems. perhaps it's a quiet self-inflictory way of lashing out. where the main person who will get it in the end is, ultimately, myself. self-torture. am i reli a masochist at heart? i blame myself for everything. i look down on myself. i this i that. i can't stand it. why do i sit and let myself get trodden over? cyndi today had to mention in maths about the difference in cost price of the tickets. between the choir and guitar concert tickets. she had to tell me patiently, as if she were talking to an INFANT, that the difference in cost price was cos one was held in vch, and the other in school. and den went on about some fantastical knowledge she gathered about the booking of vch, which did not register in my head, simply because i did not want to listen. was so disappointed and angry at myself for failing the stats test. 9/24. guess i fucking deserve it. i fucking deserve everything. you make ur bed and lie on it. you reap what you sow. blah blah blah. so many nice ways of putting the same thing. haix.. two choices. a) give up totally and let everything cave in on me b) change. but change is difficult. especially with such a shit-ass non-determined attitude like mine. i have a lousy attitude and i admit it. i hate everything. and above all, i hate myself. and goodnight folks, although i don't think i will be able to catch any shut eye.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:13:00 AM
TIME STARTED? 4.45pm tuesday
A LITTLE ABOUT YOU...
FULL NAME? meredith blahblahblah
BIRTHDAY? 29th June 1985 <-- pressies anyone? :D
AGE? age? i dun age. :D i am as young as i was 17+ yrs ago. :X
BORN? thomson medical centre. :P
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? loadsa things.. the list is endless.. will not post what exactly or people might decide to gimme a scare.. grr
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? definitely not contacts.. and glasses when the need arises. =)
PERFECT MAN/WOMAN? is there such a thing?
DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF? nope. i dun. isn't it obvious? o.o
EMBARRASSING MOMENT? countless. just had one today. haha.. but den again, i'm rather thick skinned. ;)
YOUR GOOD FRIENDS? yes, i have them. will not name them to protect their identities. =)
PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY? sis mom dad..
ICE-CREAM? vanilla.... can't eat choc.. =/ twister count? ^^
VEGETABLE? anything cept for beansprouts and bittergourd.. bleah.
FAST FOOD? yep~ i like mos burger! :D
CANDY? candy.... i get high on sugar.. haha
BEVERAGE? anything that's drinkable and thirstquenching. :P
MOVIE? i'm a movie freako~ yeah... xmen 2... :D
TALK SHOW? eh. do they even interest mi? well. unless they were talking about unorthodox issues.. perhaps. =P ACTRESS/ACTORS? anything that keeps the storyline going.. haha.. BANDS? loads. mellow alternative anyone? audioslave? :D SINGER? mm.. anyone good will do? and fitting to my style of music? :P
PLACE TO VISIT? i like my home. i can be myself. =D perhaps overseas like japan or australia.. ^^
COLORS? red, green, orange, blue, silver.. well.. anything! =D
JEWELLERY? i like accessories.. chokers/chains/rings/bracelets/etc.. but somehow i can't find all of them so i just make do with none.. ^^;
SPORTS? i sooooo suck at running! argh.. dun remind mi of the pe dept.. =/ but i like playing games.. used to love bball.. used to.. =(
NUMBER? anything with a 3.. ^^ 7 or 8 is cool too.. oh yah.. 85! i love that number..
ANIMAL? dogs and cats.. ^^ i would like a wolf-dog!
FLOWER? flowers are nice to get for people.. simple yet ever so special.. =D hope vdae rolls around again soon! yay~
BRAND OF SHOES? anything... cept converse.. eeks.. >_<
PERFUME/COLOGNE? anything that smells good and is not too heavy.. a light fruity scent?
CAREER? mm.. used to have tons when i was young.. i simple have no idea what i wanna do now.. =/ guide me.. i need guidance..
HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? hmm.. nope. not yet. ;)
DRANK ALCOHOL? of cos. =P
SMOKED? ick. no
BROKEN THE LAW? *mischievous wink*
RAN AWAY FROM HOME? many times i've thot about it.. but i'm not that heartless.. unless it's reli bad den i might.. or just stay out till damn late..
BROKEN A BONE? yep. my stupid hand.. fractured.
PLAYED STRIP POKER? watched mi gal friends play.. but mi figure sux.. hahas.. altho i might play if there's only gals around.. =P
PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE? of cos! how about now? i seriously need it! bring it on me! XD
FLASHED SOMEONE? hmm.. in what way? XD
MOONED SOMEONE? hmm.. unintentionally in the bus going home from ndp.. (remember, mu? LOL)
KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW? uh.. dun think so?
BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT? of cos.. countless times.. but now, nope. ^^;
RODE IN A POLICE CAR? VrEee~ nope.. i think?
BEEN ON A PLANE? nope.. never..
COME CLOSE TO DYING? car accident? near one? hahas.. nearly.. lucky people pull mi back.. =/
CHEATED ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? not reli....
BEEN IN A SAUNA? yes! the one at mi fren's condo! =P
BEEN IN A HOT TUB? hmm.. nope.. =(
SWAM IN THE OCEAN? only waded.. i can't swim.. hehs
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT........
ABORTION?
CLASSICAL?
SOAP OPERAS?
THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU?
AMUSEMENT PARKS?
WHAT IS.............
YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM?
WHAT'S YOUR BEDROOM LIKE?
YOUR SECRET CRUSH?
YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
ARE YOU A........
GOOD STUDENT?
GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS?
GOOD DANCER?
GOOD STORYTELLER?
DO YOU HAVE...
STITCHES?
BLOODY NOSE?
GETTING HIT?
CANCER?
SURGERY?
BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU?
SOMEONE PUNCH YOU?
DO YOU......
WET THE BED?
COLLECT ANYTHING?
LIKE TO SING?
LIKE TO SHOP?
LIKE TO PARTY?
BEEN IN TROUBLE A LOT??
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION $?
GO TO A HANSON CONCERT IF YOU HAD A FREE TICKET?
GET ANYTHING PIERCED?
KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 MILLION DOLLARS?
ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT?
HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? bgr: 2 months infatuation: 4 years. wahaha..
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON?
EARLIEST MEMORY?
TIME FINISHED?
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:29:00 PM
It's Official. Tuesdays suck
argh.. tuesday again. supposed to have break now den pe but guess what. i'm not going for it again. no mood and no tshirt and i'm sure not gonna wear an old stinky one left behind by the pe dept. grr. today i finally kena caught. just like what i predicted yesterday. yes. i predicted they would find mi and come after mi, and yes, they have done that. ms ong came looking for mi today. argh. during assembly she came to my class and went to the front to look for mdm foo. and den they both came down the row to reprimand mi. gawd. i feel like a lousy refugee. what the fuck am i hiding from. argh. i will be so so glad when school is officially over. i will be ever so glad. i swear.
perhaps they should declare tuesdays a national "oh, let's bully dith" day. wouldn't that be wonderful? now all you buggers wouldn't need a pathetic form of a 'valid' excuse to torment mi once a week. it should be enough to satsify you till the next tuesdays rolls around. can't wait eh? good. good good. i reli reli reli DETEST tuesdays. it's worse than mondays. i hate tuesdays. full tutorial day. pe day. shit day. no jes day. argh... life sux sux sux... this morning couldn't reli wake up on time. last night spent a -__- night online.. den talked to jes on the phone while fending off mom's nagging. ugh. din do any homework. wasted the entire night there. maybe i should quit irc or whatnot. haaaix.. was blasting my music as loud as i could without getting told off by, guess who? my little sis. aRgH. "turn that down. i can't hear the tv" or "it's too noisy. what stupid song are you playing" even "is that you singing? i thought it was *insert demeaning word here*" or perhaps "i got a headache cos of your music. turn it off." fucking hell. =/
so anyway i chatted on the phone till 2+ am.. chat until shuang. felt better after that, so got some shuteye until i had to wake up around 5.30. of cos i couldn't wake up. ended up waking at 6.15 and mom reli getting freaking pissed. she was like "you gonna bathe anot? i let your sis bathe first." den my sis rolled over and murmured "you bathe first" grr... den mom, tremendously pissed off said "you both settle. i don't care anymore"... was bathing when she knocked on the door and kept yelling "quarter to already. finish up. get out. let your sis bathe" i reli buay tahan so i growled "fine. den i walk out naked you wan?" ArgH......... i know i get all rude and wiseass when i'm pissed. *shrug* it's just me. blah. got to sch on time. for once. din need to run for the bus.
saw angela at the station. =) ah wong~~ haix.. miss all of them. saw shi hui behind mi on the way to sch. argh. i was in no mood to talk to her. so i siamed off and ignored her. why oh why did she have to call my name and say hi. was obliged to walk beside her to sch. grr.. and engage in small talk. argh. shitified. haix... had to fake one of my smiles and laugh and chat happily. wtf. haix.. and they say be true to ur self.. indeed. what shit. =/ truly ass-wipe-worthy. saw waiyin also. shi hui was like: "she's from ij too, you know her?" liKE DUH. OF COS I KNOW LA. wah LIEW.... but i smiled and joked it off saying that i did, =P and stuff... bleargh.
managed to escape and stand solemnly behind the guys in my class for morning assem. saw mdm foo... kinda asked her whether she knew someone. den she told mi about the escapades with the thermometer yesterday. --' she later went for band.. so YAY. no civics after the mass civics lesson. i sat thru another mass civics session (today we had double session) with jes. oh wells~ saw wood. he gave weird looks. hah. who cares la. i go where i'm happier. =) hmm. so yah. what to do about ms ong. grr. pe dept police woman. and i'm thinking whether to stretch their limits and their patience. what if i dun comply? will it be off to the principal's office with mi? den what? more scolding. den? parents' letter? den? expulsion? hmm. i'm willing to risk anything if it doesn't end up in expulsion. =) hahahaha...
gawd. what's wrong with me. hahah.. oh wells. do you think they will expel mi for already owing 20 makeup pe and not turning up for future ones? you never know. sch is, after all, an unreasonable place. =( bleah. and what am i doing now? ponning pe. fWaH. heck lar. i just wanna heck everything and fly somewhere to rot and watch time stop as i recollect who i am, pick myself up, finish all my hw (wtf? i'm thinking about hw?!) well. basically just a place where i can slowly pick up the pieces and have peace of mind where i can find myself and my direction in life. ever since i;ve come to jc, i've lost myself. and i dunno where to find me. =( haix....
physics tutorial was ok. i did the work. but. i was reli reli sleepy. after like less than half the lesson was over, i was trying my best not to doze off on the desk. i reli reli tried. but everytime i blinked or tried to focus my eyes, i sorta blacked out in dreamland for a few seconds or minutes. haix.. sux leh. perpetual torture. =( was so glad when the bell rang. joined mi frens at the study area and positively crashed there to catch Zzzs for about 30+ minutes. omg. i must have been tired. haven't slept for so long in sch in my entire life. and so soundly too.. =( haix.... had chem tut after. tried and tried. was better than the phy tut. but somehow i found myself wading back to dreamland. =( mr lim's becoming hateful and i sorta can't stand him after what my fren said about him. and she hardly dislikes anyone. o.o haix... i dun dislike him. i sorta liked him or was neutral. guess i'm easily influenced. haix... he was yelling during tutorial today. yelling cos i guess that he was frustrated that our class is so stupid at chem. he din exactly say that. but from how he was acting, i suspect he felt that. =/ he just spoons us info, answering his own questions.. and he expects us to move leaps and bounds up the grade list? tough luck. guess we gotta do more sdl... aj's method of learning fits so right. SDL. self directed learning. in everything we do. arGh.. mihi solum, mihi solum.
had gp during econs free period but din sleep. gp doesn't induce sleep for me. was kinda enlightening. altho taoyi was like laffing at all the mistakes.. haix.. i know it's fun laffing at other people.. but sometimes, it just makes u wanna sink in ur seat, esp if you're the one they're laffing at.. blah. bell just rung. pe time. =/ perhaps i should just get the hell out of sch. scary shit. i hate the pe dept. i hate people chasing mi. i feel like a renegade student running amok in the four padded walls of aj. aRgH......... c a g e d.
was scolded during maths tutorial today. ms tan wants the maths in by fri. gonna ditch the idea of actually studying for chem den. it's all my fault. maybe i should just call in sick for sch from now on. say i am dead or down with sars or just plain suffering from a mental breakdown or some crap.. mom wun be happy. dad laigi worst. sis will also scold mi for being a bad role model. =( wo yao li jia, li xue xiao chu zou......... tasukete...... onegaiitashimasu.. =( gets worse and worse with each passing tuesday. i just wanna act dumb. i need to escape. sux.....
felt so cold the entire day. shivering like mad in the audi and lts.. dunno why it's so cold..... maybe i'm getting numb and frozen.. or perhaps i'm the only warm soul left in aj........... why do all my problems end with aj? aj is the bane of my existance.......... *vehement hate* =/
perhaps we should talk about the issue of frens while i'm ranting.. if you treat mi well, i treat you well too. i treasure my friends, esp the close ones. they're always there for me.. altho i shun them or if i'm having too hard or busy a time to contact them. why why why. i feel so detached. unplugged from the rest of the colorful noisy hubbab of the outside world. my skin changing color to fuse with the uniform i am dressed in. =\ i miss them all. mu.. owl.. auyong.. kim.. angie.. cheng.. argh..
i dunno what to blog about already. i dunno. dun ask mi. and i dunno why i am still in school. sux. i hope they close for as long as possible for dunno what reason. grr...
i was thinking the other day.. strangers show you some kindness and you act as if you take them for granted.. but its cos u either forgot or was too tired or busy... i kinda felt guilty that day when i sat in my feeder bus.. i had just run for it and i caught it cos the busdriver was so nice to wait for mi. haix... was blurred and slightly off balance when i boarded it. forgot to thank him/her. sat at the back pondering this issue of quiet gratitude..... or issit cos i reli can't be bothered? haix...
thinking now about the cold war i have with my dad of 3 years. been so long.. yet i'm so used to living like that........ why why.. today jessie told mi she saw jes after sch that day. with a guy, looking quiet chummy. she den went on to ask whether he was jes' stead anot.. what's up with the closed-mindedness? just cos a girl and a guy walk together or are spotted interacting with each other, you automatically have to assume that they're... a pair?
i dunno what's up with humans and pairing. but somehow this fact always serves to make mi feel uneasy while out alone with a guy. so i avoid it to my best ability. esp when i'm in school uniform. i'm not exactly reserved, and i know i'm not quiet or unfriendly... so why? sometimes i take it to mean that the uniform is a metaphorical strait jacket.. not on one who needs it, but on those who don't. thus driving one insane in the end anyway. proper movement is not possible. can't breathe. can't talk. can't be myself. adherence. restrictions. inactivity. i feel so.. dormant and so dead............... why do i even bother to blog in sch? only served to make mi churn out one depressing entry. as usual..
don't mourn me when i'm dead and gone... don't
16:26 tues 290403
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:06:00 PM
i dunno. should i say i'm pissed or what? no matter anyway. yes, i know ur reading this. not gonna blame you for being pissed or what shit. i dun give a shit anymore. i dun give any fucking shit. i as always will harden my heart and walk away. _|_ muahahahaha.. life is a joke. beat the fucking shit outta it. ;)
yep. waiting for dearie jes to call. fWaH. perhaps i should officially proclaim her as my gf. wonder if she'll like that.. haha.. today we were playing around in amk central and stuff.. as usual.. hahaha... back to ljs again.. ohhs. just got off the phone with her. she had to hang up.. =( hahahs.. gonna call again tho. =P yep.. den she joke joke call mi bf and gimme guy name.. waahahahs... --' if people dunno us, they will think we quite the er xin leh. hehe..
wah sian. two of my friends damn pissed with each other. dunno if i should one of them a fren. grr. xiao qi loh. wat can i do. pacify also dowan. go fan xing la.. still need people to qian jiu ni. blah. got something wrong ar. kaox.. one matter. dun sit same table u get pissed liao ar? wah sian. even jes also commented that. grr. i'm bound to make an enemy.. but heck lar... everyone also telling mi to heck. so fine, i heck. nabei la. already try so hard. bu yao jiu suan le. two people can play this petty game. similan. resend 3 msg long sms to scold jes also shuang. shuang loh. send mi also leh. i wanna read also. grr. nabei loh.. no point in giving chance also. suan le. guan ni. leave u to ur own devices. i heck care liao. adopt the heck care attitude den shuang le. dun care anything unless i'm in the centre of it. yeah. =D fine. i'm an egoistical bitch. should be fun being one eh? lol....
anyway jes is not the xiao qi type, neither does she hold grudges long. that time i scolded her on irc abit the much, she still greeted mi so qing qie in sch.. hai.. reli pei fu her patience.... i also pei fu my patience. my patience and my tolerance. dunno which fucking hell hole i'll be without it. ugh. listening to loads of songs esp eminem right now. winamp seems to fit my mood. loads of f*ck and m*thaf*ck.. muahaa.. kewl shit. today in ljs the people near us were playing hip hop songs on their radio or something... hahaha... lun came to visit us today. brought his fren michael. bleah. jes acting abit the racist today. kinda scary. cos loadsa malays around. then she was going on about how she hates them quite loudly. i was afraid they might come hantam us.. =/ and i kinda buay tahan racists loh.... haix.....
anyway sat around talking cork with lun and michael.. kinda lifted the mood. bleah. she said she had fun so it was kewl. when they left, we sat and talked den we hopped over to jollybean and got taiyaki and soyabean milk. hahahas.. den walked to mrt.. den i walked her to bus stop..... sent her off...
oh yah. ru guo ni bu yao ne me zuo, na bu yao zuo le. guan wo shen me pi shi. shi ni zi ji yao gen zong wo men lai de. wo men you mei you bi ni qu. hai you, ni shi gen ke sheng i qi lai de. wo men zhe li ye mei you wei. ni yao wo men zhen yang chi ne? nan ren dui nan ren yi qi chi shi you cuo de meh? wo dui wo de hao peng you yi qi chi he tan yi xie si shi ye bu ke yi ar? qu si le. si nan ren. ni ma hui hui shuo ta jue de zi ji hen da, ye you ap. na ni ne? shi bu shi yi yang? ni ye jue de zi ji da ma. qiao, ni de wang ji wang luo ming zi. na shi shen me? wo jue de na xing rong ni hen zhun. gao shu ni. wo yi jing shi zhui hou zhui hou de yi xie ke yi ren shou ni de peng you le. ni ye zhe yang fan wo. kan wo de jue ding yi jing hen ming xian le. wo bu yong yong ne me duo li qi qu xiang le. ni mei you ji hui le. bu ran ni ba zhe ge huai xi guan chu diao. chong dao fu ze. qu ni de. wo lan de qu guan le.
haix....... *still waiting for call*
night...............
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:45:00 AM
Don稚 tell me what to think
Cause I don稚 care this time
Don稚 tell me what you believe
Cause you won稚 be there
To catch me when I fall
But you値l need me when I知 not here at all
Miss me when I知 gone again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again
Don稚 tell me how life is
Cause I don稚 really don稚 want to know
Don稚 tell me how this game ends
Cause we値l just see how it goes
Catch me when I fall
Or you値l need me when I知 not here at all
Miss me when I知 gone again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again, yeah
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again, yeah
Now, I知 all the way down here
I知 falling
I知 all the way down here
I知 falling down again
I知 falling down
I知 falling down
I知 falling down
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again,
I知 going down in flames
I知 falling into this again
Now, I知 all the way down here
I知 falling
All the way
All the way down here
I知 falling down again now I知 falling down
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:04:00 PM
Audioslave - Like A Stone
On a cold wet
afternoon
no room for love and emptiness
by a freeway
i confess i was lost in the pages
of a book
full of death
reading how we'll die alone
and if a god will lay to rest
anywhere we want to go
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
and on my death bed
i will pray
to the gods and the angels
like a pagan
to anyone who will take me to heaven
to a place
i would recall
i was there so long ago
the sky was bruised
the world was black
and there you led me on
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
in all i read
till the day was gone
and i sat in regret
in all the things i've done
for all that i've blessed
and all that i've wronged
in dreams till my death
i will wonder on
in your house
i long to be
room by room
patiently
i'll wait for you there
like a stone
i'll wait for you there
alone
alone
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:45:00 PM
.........................................................
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:38:00 PM
What month should you have been born in?
this quiz was made by Erin
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:46:00 PM
they say that drunk men speak only the truth. i wonder how far that stands.....
o.0;
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:13:00 PM
rusty nail
if you think hard enough, you can relate nearly everything to anything. scary fact eh? yep. depends on perception and the way you phrase and relate stuff. that's cool. reminds mi of lit. ah.. the days of literature. how i miss them. =( sitting right at the back of class in our special eXtra 3 row table.. wahaha.. sitting and discussing n laffing over the literature text that was being gone thru in class.. ah.. i love mrs janet lim. =) haix. supposed to get the photo to her. dunno how to also. =( haix.... do remind mi. x_X and to scan mu's cny neoprint. do remind mi.. haix....
eek. *mutters to self* just got something weird. but.. erh.. nvm.. ignore that. ^^;
hmm.. anyway.. fluffy.. if you thot that yesterday's entry was a tad too bitchy and depressing for you, you haven't seen mi at my worst yet.. so bleah. =) that is mi getting into semi-ponder mood. i can't get into total ponder mood. cos loads of people read my blog, it seems. without my knowledge too.. gAhS. heh... saturday i woke up at 2+pm. actually wanted to go out meet jes in sch to see her hair. but in the end i din. woke up at 11 to find 1 missed call. fWah. changed mi phone back into vibration mode. couldn't feel the vibration previously.. ^^; haix.. mi phone's sapped of batt. die. gotta charge gotta charge!
replied to a few sms, dozed off, replied, dozed.. finally went to the living room to eat 'breakfast' at 2pm. haix. half the day gone. my hw. aRgH. i'm a procrastinator. haix.. and dith dith dith dear dith, who reSOLved to do hw during the weekend to clear up all ur 'debts' ? who who who? you. so go do. guai guai do. =/ oh wells.. 10 mins more left till my mom switches off the power to the comp. =( extreme measures, she told mi. at least she din nag today. at least. =) if i had told her what i was up to today she might have blown her top. hahahahahaha
today last minute decided to go for a quickie chan outing. bth. i need to spend my saturdays outside if not i find the weekend boh hua leh. XD at 5pm was discussing whether or not to go to this bball match at hougang blk 121.. bleah. as usual, hame enthu. (WAH SIAN) he left first. den ok ok ok FINE. i went to bathe. haix.. den may left. so i was discussing the plan with stephyyyyyyy.. (muahaha) oh wells.. mi nsd. dunno how to go. somehow ended up him picking mi up and bringing mi there. haix. mi such a baby. fWaH. kid mah.. wat to do.. =/ hahaha..
so i was waiting at the interchange where i always stand and wait for ppl. in front of breadtalk leaning against the green pillar. as usual some people promoting some fucking ass stuff over there. today it's nu skin. wah sian. so they see mi liddat, like quite grown up.. den approached mi. she got a shock when i proclaimed i din use skincare products and i condemned the lot. (but of cos i was polite about it. =X) hahahahah..... den she act so frenly towards mi like know mi v well liddat... --' haix.... talk about jabbing the shoulder of a stranger and shoving it playfully n teasing mi also. -__________-"" fWaH. lame loh
den when she finished. i stoned there awhile more. den guess what. aNoThEr of their sales staff came up to mi. this one reli reli worse. talk to mi in chinese. and i made it so obvious i din understand wat she was saying cos i was giving her this puzzled look like, ALL the time. pLUS i told her that her colleague had already put mi thru the survey. gah. in other words:" dun waste ur effort. sCraM" hahahahaha........ haix. maybe she thot i was just retarded n blur, perhaps that's why i din udnerstand her. gahs. this one also a playful one. argh.... still go on and on about nu skin. ask mi if i wanna make appointment. wah SIAN. dun understand salesgirls. =X haix........ say until mi skin v bad. that's the ONE thing i am PROUD ABOUT KAES. i hao lian about my skin. oh yeah. and it's the only thing that makes mi feel good about it so bugger off mi. bLEaRgh....
haix..... oh yah.. when i took the bus i ran into my neighbour. the one i helped during the storm remember? lol.. she was with a man.. i think her relative in some sort.. live next door also i think. ?_? i dun generally take note of this shit. (WAH FUCK. mom just nagged at mi. told mi to stop typing n threatened to access my blog, saying it's nonsense. do you guys think so? =/ tagtagtag..) arGh... irritating distraction. does she not know that this is partly one of the main things that keep mi TOGETHER and not IMPLODING upon myself and/or EXPLODING on others? aRgh... haix.. *backtracks* so anw, when we got off the bus i greeted her and waved to her. she smiled back at mi and said sth to mi (but i dun understand dialect) and she told the man i very guai.. blahblah.. =) at least someone appreciates mi.. at least........ i was happy. yep. oh wells.
anyway.. skipskip.. i'm a klutz man. totally. fWaH. dunno how to wear helmet. dunno how to strap it. dunno how to get on bike. fWah. dunno how to pillion. walking klutz dith. oh yaaaaaaaa. highlight of da day manx. first time i sat on a 'dangerous' transport vehicle today.. the motorbike. fWah. parents' nightmares.... accidents galore. wasn't bad lar. quite fun. =) i'm a cRaZed speed junkie.. fWah.. daytona..... but somehow i feel safer in a car that's going 200km/h down an empty road den on a bike. maybe it's the open air factor and that i could fall off anytime. i'm still skilless in riding a bicycle loh.. i wibble and wobble like fuck and take up the whole lane wobbling to and fro. wahahahahah..... haix. never was good at balance. =( dun trust miself to drive too.. heh
but interesting experience. thanks man. =P larkily nvr get seen by mom if not wahahahs.. but i betcha she'll be inquiring outta curiousity next about how it's like. ;) my mom's not a total no-funner k. hahahah.. perhaps i'll tell mi sis.. one day..... one day.... =)
so. went to the bball match. (interruption by mom AGAIN. aRgh. she doesn't understand my thirst to put down my daily escapades in words.. =/ said i cannot go out next time if i wanna go online so long. blah........................ BLAH =( uh. she's gonna off the fucking switch soon. I FUCKING HATE THAT.)
nvm nvm. think i'll fucking blog tml. 4.13am in the morning and i'm YELLING. yes i'm that irritated. ARGH.......................... next time should blog on paper instead. den scan and post. fuck. but that time took 3 hours to type 6 pages cos i was so distracted in between.. >_< haix. and it's so hard reading mi handwriting.. arGh
bball match was interesting but i din reli understand and i couldn't see. bleah. stupid hame kept making fun of mi. i always kena bullied. fwahahas.. but it's fun to get bullied. =X i get the attention. muahas.. yep. attention seeker here.. =X haix.. later left around 10 to go for supper at a nearby coffeeshop. had satay. kinda quiet outing tho.. only 4 ppl.. =( oh wells.. next outing got XMEN2!!!!!!! bobby drake~ logan!!!!!!!!!!!!! should be good should be gOOd! =D
i got home in time to avoid nagging. hEnG~ thanks alot too.. ;) treat you dinner next time.. fwahahas.. (and yes, i wun mention ｬ_ｬ fwahaha.. let's see how bad it'll be tml. =P) argh. dad tossing in his sleep. mom standing over mi like the B(lt)FG (big, less-than-frenly, giant) hahaha..... haix....... gotta sleep. homework day tml.... tatas.... night!~
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:21:00 AM
Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
with you right by my side
Me
I知 the one you chose
out of all the people
you wanted me the most
I知 so sorry that I知 falling
help me up lets keep on running
don稚 let me fall out of love
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
Be
be the one I need
be the one I trust most
don稚 stop inspiring me
sometimes it's hard to keep on running
we work so much to keep it going
don稚 make me want to give up
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
The Future...
running, running
as fast as we can
I really hope you make it
(do you think we'll make it?)
we're running
keep holding my hand
it's so we don't get separated
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:59:00 PM
was re-reading thru jes' blog earlier. that famous longlong entry about all the irritating teachers in her life. perhaps i should do one like that. hmm.. i wonder which teachers have irritated mi.. many many many. can barely sqeeze them into one hand, let alone the other. esp in jc. sia lan. everyone acts like they care but inside, deep down they act. why erect a facade of care and concern when all u wanna do is commit ur problem student to a life of slavery and suffering? why. why do human beings act? somehow i feel that, the more you know, the less you wanna know, and the more the problems will come. with thinking, humans think up stuff that will eventually destroy them. invisible problems that materialise from just a tiny wisp of suspicion, doubt or even, hope. thinking about it will only cause this speck to multiply into an entire shroud of illusion, clouding ur reality, judgement, and good sense. what was the human brain made for anyway? look at all the animals. their lives are short, but they are happy. they are born, they feed, they play, they grow up, they mate, they reproduce, they repeat that cycle, and then they die. they don't suffer economic crisis, aging population, over population, etc. they don't go to court, they don't sue and they don't pollute with large exhaunt producing mobile tin cans. what they build will go back into the earth, what we build will kill the earth. wherever they walk, things grow. wherever we walk, things die. they stop and sniff the flowers every single day. we walk on two legs, too far off to care about the beauty of a single red rose somehow miraculously growing on the sidewalk. they grunt, they chirp, they hiss. we do all that and call it speech. and we use this speech to manipulate others to do our bidding. they kill using their bare paws and pure abilty. we kill using a .77mm metal cylinder with gun powder. we invent to kill. they invent out of improvisation to survive. humans and animals are so different. it's the little differences that set us F A R apart. this thing called awareness. that's why we wear clothes, we walk on two feet, we criticise, we strive. sure, animals have awareness too. but theirs is more of an environmental and social awareness thing. humans are not aware of those around themselves. some of them are far too absorbed in their own matters or themselves to bother. because of this awareness, came war. sure, animals conquer territory by fighting melee, man to man, paw to paw, tooth to jugular vein. or simply by pissing on a lamp post with the stronger smelling pee. ah.. urea. humans strive for the dumbest things. arms race, fight to eradicate anything of threat to us, striving for the best outer image, the most boyfriends. come on. who cares. who gives a damn. everything's about image. that's why you see some people looking more 'nerdish' than us. or behaving in a 'toot' manner. their awareness has not awoken yet. but it will. and when it does, the world will be perceived thru different eyes. eyes that open wide and close again for a long time, not wanting to see what is next, yet opens up ever so slowly and warily again. driven by curiosity. and then there's no turning back. you will be like the others. join the mad human dash. strive. acheive. strive acheive. work work work. to perhaps develop the best weapon in the history of man, to perfect a new cure for a life threatening disease. to earn more money to buy material things. the newest car. the newest handphone. the newest apartment. a new swimming pool. a new wife. a new dog. a court case. a new life. a new synthetic cloned body. whatever. we shun those who look 'unaware'.. who behave in a manner 'inferior' to us, not influenced by the lies and the acting we have unknowingly and subconsciously performed and carried out these many years. the reason why we were so happy as children yet discovered depression in our teenage years. the reason why we need shrinks to counsel us. themselves dying from all the shit in their lives, yet helping us with ours as it offers them escapism. helping them to forget their lives and somehow merge with ours, if not for a few hours. the reason why so many beauty palours, all well versed in the technique of applying powders, creams and various concoctions, colored or uncolored to our visage and/or epidermis for a steep price just to help those 'aware' people to achieve a better image and a better self/mental image. at the end of the day, we still face ourselves. we still face ourselves. the acting falls apart. we know we suck at acting. the facade grows weary and thin, flaking off. and we instead stare at our haggard tired selves in the mirror. wondering what we did to deserve this torture of being less than perfect. (well, at least you were born with a face, right? *snigger*) we fall apart. we collapse. we feel as though it is one gigantic routine dream. but with routine, things develop nomalcy and thus become part of our lives, reality. acting is nomalcy. it is our livelihood, whether we like it or not, to stay afloat in today's world. it is a survival instinct. we spend our lives living behind half a masquerade mask. our true selves locked away at the back of our heads screaming continually at the things we do to stay afloat yet defy our morals. somehow, this is what preserves the existance of us humans. are we in actual fact, torturing ourselves needlessly? - something to ponder -
there are many many times i do wish to just drop everything and escape to somewhere quiet, somewhere dat i won't be seen or heard. it's scary. it's lonely. but somehow in the midst of darkness, you find clarity of thot and a safe warmness like a security blanket that enfolds your essence into itself. many many times when i wanna pon sch, pon home, and just run. but one can't keep running forever. it will burn you out. shorten ur existance. and you'll reach the finishing line sooner than expected only to collapse in a fatigued heap at the red ribbon. i would everything would be as easy as abc. but nothing is. so i do the next best thing. in times of need i seek solace in a world of virtual reality. somehow i can be myself in somewhere feeling so fake. somehow... somehow... i can deliberately don't face people i do not wish to see or talk to. i can just come and go as i wish. and best of all, i can rant. i can rant and rant and rant to all my poor friends on irc. i can show temper, throw a tantrum, explode vehemently, get pissed and depressed all in one night. i can be vulgar i can cuss i can be violent. and at the end of it all, i can just claim that i was only playing. we play this game in real life all the time. so isn't real life so much the same as the internet? many parallels can be drawn from both worlds. the only thing we lack are faces and body language to piece the personalities with. wasting time, my mom calls it. but somehow without all the activity on irc, sitting alone in the chair facing the wall and the dark tv set makes mi feel like i am shut off, and everything is quiet. perhaps i am addicted. or am i addicted to the friends i have found or the solace i can find? i dunno. am not sure.
school. one's source of worry and stress especially when one is residing in sunny singapore. pri sch was a breeze, no problem. in fact i think it was one of the best years of my life. when everything seemed so clearcut and so real. yet it feels like it only happened in my dreams now. altho the bad times have shaped the negative aspects of me, most of the bad things that i recall, have come mainly from the teachers. you teachers are our lives' biggest influences, our role models. so dun freaking screw us up. dun freaking do that. but whether we like it or not. it is beyond our control. many teachers have indeed put a bad influence on children's early lives. the plastic mould of growing up. the basis of our morals, our values, who we are. how we exist. teachers from pri school have only taught me a few long lasting things. to care about self image. to care alot. to spark the awareness in me that yea, well. i'm more than a little tubby. i'm a fat barrel. to give mi false hope that i will somehow stay at your size if i'm lucky, ms sng. to tell mi that i'm a bad influence on the guys, even. to shun me. to accuse a poor child of being perverse and an attempted murderer. to take sides. to be bias. to pamper, to ill-treat, to abuse. (yes. abuse.) to nurse a feeling of hurt inside that grows larger and larger into a well of pity and hurt and sorrow and buried anger that keeps growing and growing. everytime you insult me. everytime you nitpick on me for no apparant reason and do not explain urself. everytime u criticize me for something i cannot help. everytime you blow a matter to a large degree. everytime you wrongly accuse me. everytime you encourage the class into laughing at me. this expounds into hurt. depression. mental problems. recluseness. loneliness. anger. etc into our teen life later. hiding behind our awareness. it will hit us squarely in the face later. and you. you will get ur retribution. u will. sooner or later. in this life or next. i will be waiting to see u fall. clutching ur crushed chest and ur shattered heart. nursing your wounded pride and ur demented ego. i will see to ur demise.
teachers have been the bane of my existance. supposedly told to teach, they instead impart upon impressionable youngers who still do not really have the ability to differentiate between right and wrong, knowledge that will harm/wound/turn them awry. for that, i salute you, teachers. i salute you for the world's problems. i salute you for my problems. i salute you, on behalf of the world.
thank you and goodnight.
-dith
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:46:00 PM
free and easy friday
mm.. raining raining raining now.. i'm feeling sleepy.. so darned sleepy... haix.. today was quite good tho.. altho it started off quite shitty and i din feel like going to sch.. =\ as usual! hahahaha... haix. sorta overslept today.. woke up 6.30am.. sis needed to go sch.. fine la.. let her bathe first. cos she sec sch mah.. still got bright future unlike mi this crap shit in ajc.. blargh. by the time she finish, i confirmed late for sch.. so i thot that what the hell, i'll go to sch during break la.. went back to sleep.. mom nagging all the way from the study room... dunno what the hell she talking about.. just noise.. hahaas... finally woke up around 8am++ went to bathe.. by the tiem i finished, was 8.37+.. wah sian.. by the time i dried my hair and changed and packed mi bag it was around 8.50.. left and found out i missed the bus... argh.. it finally came at 9am... just missed the train by a few seconds. arGH. reached yck mrt station at 9.22am.. sia lan.. late for physics liaox... walked fastfast like siao to sch.. din get caught.. blah.. altho i'm always wary.. o.o
legs went abit wobbly while climbing the three flights to 134.. haix... went in, sorta apologized to saighor den took out mi tutorial.. i got do~ yay... den was paying attention in her class.. yepyep.. she asked mi a qn today.. o.o for once. i guess she din have any choice either.. wahahs... at least i got the right answer, but not reli the correct explaination =P
later found out chinese cancelled and the other periods shifted up.. XD yay yay yay! during break we celebrated mdm foo's '17th' bdae.. wahahas.. gave her the card with the cutouts of all our baby pics... she was so happy n touched. heh.. den mi classmate said that our class is ne me you liang xin.. hahas... oh wells.... i din eat the cake altho ev1 said it was good.. i was afraid mi damn tonsilitis would reappear to haunt mi.. again. =( went to kajiao jian, yz, angeline, etc.. 01/02 having break. oh wells... den mi classmates said they wanted to watch adam sandler in anger management.. wah.. movie.. o.o
altho mi dun reli like mi class much, i like movies! so decided to go~ heh.. lalalalala... today dismissed at 1.45pm.. so HAPPY ar.. so song~ for once can leave the damned premises so freaking early. =D yay yay yay
went to bishan to watch. bus 13 took its time in coming.. so zZzz.. reached there at 2.30+, bought 6 tix for the 2.45 show, den headed downstairs.. i got cheese fries (buy 2 for the price of 1~) with shuting, and the rest bought meals from mcDs.. smuggled our calories in past the unsuspecting eyes of the usherers.. hahahas... cannot believe it.. the smell so strong.. movie was good tho.. altho the ending sucked, imo.. heh. so L A M E the ending..but poor dave, he so suay.. haix............ if i him i also buay tahan leh.. o.o; jack nicholson so good (mi spelling wrong) at playing that guy.. wahahs.. got the psychotic look also..muahahas.....
after movie walked around bishan awhile den came home... before mi sis and before dark. for once. o.o; started raining not long after sis came home tho. haha.. she brought the rain with her~ =P hmm.. to sleepy to blog profoundly and with substance. another time perhaps? this is more like a narrative....... sian!~
wUv sleepydith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:52:00 PM
got this url from fabian who posted it in channel main..
Icon War
haha.. check it out... interesting shit
=P
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:36:00 PM
magic up their sleeves
today started off as a usual day.. kinda tired cos last night slept around 2am.. oh wells. after sch i somehow found the energy to haul my ass to amk. but i had company, so that was cool. as usual i spent a few good guilty hours pottering about in 212 wondering how to make myself useful. =/ but somehow i was unsuccessful. haix.. did some crapping to cover up, but blargh. den i opened icq and chatted to this random stranger online.. gee.. i get like one a day? wtf.
jes went to town to meet karene. *jealous* so after cca ended, i joined the guys (dunno why only got the guys) from synapse (3 of them) who wanted to head to amk to eat. so i as usual lar.. extraaaa. joined dem, headed to ljs (cos mi wanted to park n study there lata) sat my butt down, ate clam chowder and crapped. bleargh. quite fun lar.. haix... somehow i'm just more active outside my class.. dunno why either.. =/ after we finished eating, they left, and i shifted outside to a nice large square table to do hw. charlene and (forgot his name) finished shortly also.. den i told them i was gonna do hw.. the guy din believe mi. he joked, saying i was waiting for mi bf. bleargh. as if i have any. =( dowan any! hahahah.. only troublemakers. bleargh.
somehow my persuasion skills got stephen ahpa out. can't have ppl around mi leh. i can't conc.. LOLX. spent most of the time entertaining him with my mindless chatter rather than doing hw. haix.... but quite fun lar.. wahaha... aj council came by to eat. saw mi. (o.o;;) hope dey dun think wywy.. wahahaha..... haix. wah sian loh. i managed to get mi compre done. yay! but still got summary and aq. more or less can finish by today.. but *yawn* i'm tired.
damn shagged in sch today. reached home nearly 11 last night. today reached home nearly 12. omg. getting lata every day man. today triple break day. spent it doing phy tut on ac, den did some walking around and talking, den jes got break, so went to visit her. she doing econs. =( bleargh! later sat with her during chem lect anw.. so nvm.. hahaha..... but i spent 3/4 of it sleeping. same as the physics lect. i slept. den mr yip had to pinpoint mi.. o.o i was having a good dream leh! waccows.....
so blur today. spent the day in a daze. order hor fun also must blur blur think awhile first. muahahas.. den today phy teacher sai ghor asking us whether we dropped subj and what we dropped... most ppl in my class dropped econs.. so most of the time i heard "econs" "econs" "econs" den some took 4 As... so i sometimes heard "four" "four".. in the end, the person before mi said "four" and the people before her said "econs" ended up mi saying something reli reli stupid. i said "four-cons" omg. LAME! --' haaaaaix i paiseh like siao... laffing v loudly to cover up.. but mi wanted to dig hole. omg. fuck.
was having chem prac when i got jes' sms.. omg she actually waiting for mi.. pity i had chem enable lect, so stuck till 6pm. omg she still waited. o.0;; haix... treated her to a sundae pie at ljs later... i also met tyre on da way. wahahahs... he look abit like zs/james/aaron that pattern. ok larrrr... ok. :P not that great either. muahahahas.....
much much later around 8+.. managed to get stephen to come visit us again. hahaha.... den later on saw some hockey guys. i think got arthur, weitien and ty.. *waves* hahaa. lame... oh wells.... left ljs around 9+ to go to mos burger. ah pa stephen treated! yay! thanks~~~~ hahahaha... i know ur reading this. =P den he showed us more magic card tricks. shouldn't have man! jes kena addicted n fascinated. so childlike-fascination. o.o heh... lolx.....
in the end hai wo men stay there till 11pm.. waccow. my mom kao bei leh.. hahas.... luckily i caught the train home... oh wells.... hopefully tml will be as renao~ lalalala......
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:32:00 AM
business as usual
in school now, 212, blogging, replying to mi tags and smsing. oh wells. today din go so bad, altho i think i screwed up the damn test on descriptive statistics. i know i know i know.. it's EASY for goodness sake! and i happily go and screw it up. =/ haix.. trust mi to do something so stupid liddat. thing is, i only read thru it once. one freaking time during chem and gp lesson. gahs.. trust mi to get confused over variance and standard deviation. =( die le. something i could ace that i screwed. proving how worthless my maths is as a student. =(
blah. didn't complete mi maths tutorial. no idea how to fucking do the damn thing. see la dith, nvr go tutorials and lectures.. you wanna die ar? at least these days i'm more or less trying to ground miself, doing tutorials or work either during sch time during mi free periods and/or breaks if mi not too tired or slpy.. or doing it after sch somewhere outside and spacious. eg: i've been going to ljs with jes to do some work.. we would eat den do work till the sky turned dark.. haix.. i dunno.. still deciding whether to head over there miself this afternoon after synapse.. studying in solitude.. might be fun.. =\ oh wells..
hmm.. would i be hurt by playing along to this incessant game? i dunno. i never know what's happening anymore, so i guess i should just continue playing the fool. yep. life is a game, play fair, play right, and have fun. o.o but mi fren told mi yesterday that for some things, there is no indefinity (is there such a word? bleargh.) and there cannot be, or the outcome would turn out even more screwy than before. like they say, nip it in the bud before an overblown and overgrown shitfilled problem hits you right smack in the fucking face. =/ i dun want that to happen, but somehow i dun want this to stop. it's fun.. but all fun must eventually come to an end. finality, that's what is said. every story needs an ending.. but what? and how... *blur and confused* am i unknowingly leading the sheep on? or what.. i never know what's real and what's not. and those things that i absolutely have no idea what to do, i usually choose to ignore until it will smack mi in the face. =\ arGh..
back to other things.. synapse is going into publication soon.. heh.. i'll get to see mi and pj's collab published. but somehow i dun feel accomplished. i dun like the way it was edited. it looks like a bodiless thing just floating. just floating... like mi. i'm a drifter, following the wind, no particular direction in life.. haix.. sadsadsadcase.. =(
i din go to sch on tuesday cos of many reasons. yep. i avoid what i cannot face. so sue mi. =P first off, i dun like tuesdays. long days with pe at the end and no common break with whom i feel is my only fren in the world (in ajc, that is) - jes. not only that.. 3 different tutorials of my main subjects.. which is equivalent, in other words, to state that it is my full tutorial day.. means work has gotta be done. work work work. however, there is the welcome 2 periods of mass civics in the early afternoon.. aka zhuo boh periods.. my fave.. o.o i heard the guest speaker for yesterday's was pretty inspirational.. oh wells.. bleargh. hmm.. furthermore i din do my maths tutorial (she din scold mi today.. whoopee~) neither did i do my physics nor my chem.. haaaix. lazy mi. =( today already scolded lazy by mdm foo. more about that in the next para. =P another reason.. i was avoiding pe like siao. mr koh angry with mi again, i predict. oh wells.. might threaten to send mi to principal again.. oh wells.. and he looks extra scary donning a white sterile face mask and white gloves.. o.0;; haix.. back to ponning pe again.. back tosquare 1.. just when i thot i was getting fitter and developing a better attitude (and muscles!) towards pe.. *_* bleargh......
today i more or less utlised my double free period. =D for break, i hung out with jes n yingzhi and rachel.. we chatted, etc. i asked dem to go for james' party + probable chalet + bbq on june 14.. yep.. must convince dem further.. btw for all you interested peeps, it's at zouk, 18 bucks i think.. =D 18 yrs n above.. heh.. so come come come.. nearer the time i will advertise and perhaps sell tix.. yeah~ the only deterant is that it's near mid year exam.. so that's bad.. horrible bad..but nvm! i will get my act together by then and den i can go~~ yeah.. h o p e f u l l y ..... =( hopefully. ^^ cheer mi on, kies? :D
for the second free period, jes left.. i was alone. headed to outside staffroom n gave mdm foo a ring on her handphone.. chinese one to one lesson with her.. discussed some article about how people in singapore are so fortunate and comfortable, yet they do not know and do not appreciate that fact, only complaining as they take it for granted, not having experienced harder times. i guess that article's reli relavant to us.. us youngsters.. born in the good peaceful post riots n post war times.. yep.. we only know how to complain. i'm liddat.. altho i KNOW i SHOULD appreciate what we have now as it wasn't easy to come by, i still complain. guess it has more or less become a integrated part of our lives. =( habit possibly? =P
shit. bell just rang not too long ago. gonna be crowded in here. ppl looking over my shoulder and whatnot. argh... guess i'm off now.. cya~
wUv dith (in 212) ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:47:00 PM
my saturday...
zZz.. somehow i ended up going for the #ajc outing on saturday. initially i was already intending to, so nvm. oh wells. since james decided to go w mi as he had nothing to do den, he accompanied mi to the outing. i met drew at bishan also. drew wearing uniform.. o.o heh. i recall seeing him in sch before tho. dunno when and how tho. >.<
waiting at the mrt station at db for hame to arrive. dunno what he would look like. somehow when i saw him i thot he kinda resembled aaron's -picture-. i reiterate: picture. somehow aaron looks so diff from the pic he sent mi. hmm... maybe it's the difference between wearing specs or whatnot. uhh.. dunno what to write about the outing lar... grr.. now no mood to blog also need to blog cos ppl requesting an entry.. grr..
chatted with hame abit. quite a frenly n clever guy.. omg. rjc. tian cai leh.. haix. later went to ps and bought tix and sat until butt pain till 7.45pm for byt, aaron and may to arrive.. after they arrived, more re nao.. yep. went to ljs to eat.. oh wells. mi ate the slowest. fuck sia. =( stephen decided to go in the end after i was bugging him.. bleah. came fully covered in black. --' only saw the bandage on his hand.. Zzz...
hmm.. den we went to watch movie.. johnny english. quite farnie lar. ok lar.. can do. bleah. typical of rowan atkinson tho. unrealistic but some bits reli quite funny. haha.. all the seats rocking with laffter at some point in time. bleargh. i changed seats with hame cos hame was afraid aaron might rape him. i'm sooo sacrificial. bleah. but reli, i dun mind sitting beside whoever loh. anyone's fine. as long as can crap and have fun together. blah.
supper supper supper. sorta got mi into shit with my mom (and dad) reached home at 2am.. smelt of smoke and alcohol. she got pissed and scolded mi for clubbing, wearing makeup (cos mi was damn red) and drinking. bleah. spoilt my mood only. =|
but fun day la......... i got mood i blog somemore....... but zZzz.... dowan
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:23:00 PM
wah. look who's talking. --'
from when i was afk til when i returned, the conversation went as follows:
[14:08] f|aW``out: bbl
[14:08] beL-: -laughs- -nods-
[14:08] beL-: eh... who are you?
[14:08] DarkThane> I am.
[14:09] Hatred\> ....
[14:09] beL-> my my, that's barely telling much
[14:09] DarkThane> that is in fact the shortest sentence in da english dic.
[14:10] DarkThane> bloody rain.
[14:10] DarkThane> i can't even go out buy lunch
[14:10] DarkThane> n hello yes u little cute thing beL-.
[14:10] beL-> it's shinning in my area. Anyway, where's dith?!
[14:10] beL-> .
[14:10] DarkThane> beL-: u stay in thailand?
[14:10] DarkThane> it's raining EVERYWHERE in singpaore!
[14:10] Hatred\> lol
[14:10] hame> darkthane u going or not?
[14:11] hame> not raining here.
[14:11] hame> :p
[14:11] DarkThane> dith is away inserting fingers into areas.
[14:11] hame> rain stoped.
[14:11] beL-> no... it's NOT raining here
[14:11] Hatred\> muahaha
[14:11] DarkThane> hame: i said alreayd, i'll go if someone tells me if we are doing anything constructive.
[14:11] DarkThane> beL-: so where do u stay?
[14:11] beL-> somewhere near town
[14:11] Hatred\> go and see snow
[14:11] Hatred\> =X
[14:11] DarkThane> ah we are talkin to a rich bitch here.
[14:11] DarkThane> :\
[14:11] beL-> bitch yes
[14:11] DarkThane> u know, the other day my friend got a brand new BMW for her birthday
[14:12] beL-> rich.. hardly
[14:12] Hatred\> wah
[14:12] DarkThane> fuckth thee man
[14:12] DarkThane> sucks
[14:12] Hatred\> bytytytytyytytt
[14:12] beL-> .....
[14:12] DarkThane> beL-: so yer from AJ? cos bitches dun come from AJ, only hags do.
[14:12] * beL- inhale sharply...
[14:12] beL-> that's saying alot here
[14:12] beL-> *inhales
[14:13] beL-> I might oblige you the favour of answering if you'd tell me who you are.
[14:14] DarkThane> ok i retract that, to generalise and condemn all the babes in AJ is indeed a sin.
[14:14] DarkThane> u want the conventional hi i'm a XXm or u want in depth
[14:14] beL-> what babes?
[14:14] beL-> depends on what you preceive me to be
[14:15] DarkThane> babes, i.e: dith.
[14:15] * DarkThane gags
[14:15] * ^FuZZy^ waves to DarkThane
[14:15] ^FuZZy^> Hi pal.
[14:15] DarkThane> lo fuz
[14:15] beL-> erm...she'd thank you for ur compliment
[14:16] beL-> * DarkThane gags
[14:16] Hatred\> .............
[14:16] Hatred\> LOL
[14:16] DarkThane> oh but dith loves me
[14:16] Hatred\> chao buaya
[14:16] DarkThane> com
[14:16] beL-> -laughs-
[14:16] DarkThane> com'on steph u knw dith loves me
[14:17] Hatred\> lol
[14:17] DarkThane> or else why would she lick me everytime?
[14:17] Hatred\> yes she absoblutely adores u
[14:17] ^FuZZy^> lols...
[14:17] * ^FuZZy^ @@
[14:20] Hatred\> esp the time u rumoured abt her
[14:20] Hatred\> hahahaha
[14:20] hame> ladeeda
[14:20] Hatred\> dying to cuddle u
[14:20] Hatred\> =D
[14:20] hame> is tabbie going?
[14:21] DarkThane> oh yeahh
[14:21] DarkThane> beL-: i bet u didn't know dith had a bf
[14:21] hame> wh ois tabbie?
[14:21] Hatred\> LOL
[14:21] DarkThane> rephrase: HAS a bf
[14:21] Hatred\> nvar die b4
[14:21] ^FuZZy^> lols..
[14:21] hame> hahahahah
[14:21] hame> lolx
[14:21] beL-> eh.... now?
[14:22] beL-> hmm... she didn mention
[14:22] beL-> but if it's *HAD*
[14:22] beL-> then yes, i do
[14:22] * DarkThane nudges steph
[14:22] DarkThane> BWAHAHHA
[14:22] DarkThane> okkkkk
[14:22] DarkThane> well she has now
[14:22] DarkThane> but what abt her HAD?
[14:22] beL-> ah... that would be her story to tell
[14:23] Hatred\> lol
[14:23] hame> who is dith?
[14:23] hame> shit man. i'm stranger to all the names.
[14:23] Hatred\> wait till she comes back see tis
[14:23] Hatred\> she'll simple adore u
[14:23] Hatred\> hahaha
[14:23] hame> ...
[14:23] beL-> tsk... bitching without her.
[14:24] DarkThane> meredith = flaw
[14:24] hame> oh!
[14:24] DarkThane> beL-: nah she'll read abt this soon
[14:24] DarkThane> so dith has HAD a bf before.
[14:24] * beL- hums......
[14:24] beL-> you were saying?
[14:24] hame> so does dith have one now?
[14:25] beL-> what's the lowdown on that guy?
[14:25] DarkThane> hame: according to very very reliable sources, yeah
[14:25] hame> hahahaha. ic.
[14:25] DarkThane> but she vehemently denies it
[14:25] DarkThane> so we'll take it as that
[14:25] hame> lolx.
[14:25] hame> maybe it's a gf.
[14:25] beL-> oh.
[14:25] DarkThane> beL-: he's a cutie :p
[14:25] hame> -_-"
[14:25] beL-> some kind of info.
[14:25] hame> name?
[14:25] hame> rank, name, nric no?
[14:25] hame> lolx
[14:26] beL-> i shall ask her later on......
[14:26] DarkThane> but girls only want to know if a guy is cute or not, just like guys only want to know if their friend's gf is chio or not
[14:26] hame> ...........................
[14:26] beL-> no..
[14:26] hame> yesh...
[14:26] beL-> that's a sweeping statement
[14:27] hame> so wat else u want le? :p
[14:27] beL-> who's he? name?
[14:27] beL-> what sort of guy is he?
[14:27] beL-> how did they meet?
[14:27] hame> bel wat's ur name?
[14:27] Hatred\> in the middle of a thunderstorm
[14:27] hame> i'll help u ask later.
[14:28] hame> lol!
[14:28] hame> :p
[14:28] * DarkThane can imagine dith's face twitchin when she comes back...
[14:28] Hatred\> muahahahha
[14:28] beL-> my name?
[14:28] Hatred\> noneed later lo
[14:28] Hatred\> hame go dat time paotoh
[14:28] beL-> -laughs- you've to pay a price to learn that
[14:29] Hatred\> den u kana liao
[14:29] Hatred\> =P
[14:29] * hame twitches dith's face for u all to see.
[14:29] hame> ...
[14:29] hame> i think i'm going to get banned by flaw ...
[14:29] hame> ????????
[14:29] hame> paotoh?
[14:30] * hame gives bel one cent.
[14:30] hame> kana wat?c
[14:30] hame> wat time?
[14:30] Hatred\> jz
[14:30] Hatred\> go la
[14:30] Hatred\> giv her a chance to smack ur face
[14:30] * beL- hands hame her/his one cent back
[14:31] hame> not enough ah?
[14:31] hame> my face valuable..
[14:31] hame> must give money to slap too
[14:31] hame> ;p
[14:31] beL-> hardly
[14:32] hame> dumdeedum
[14:32] * hame gives bel fifty.
[14:33] hame> ....
[14:33] beL-> why not save urself the trouble and jus ask me nicely
[14:33] hame> hmm ask nicely ah...
[14:33] hame> nice bel, wat's ur nice name?
[14:33] hame> ;)
[14:33] beL-> hmm.. who are you?
[14:33] hame> me?
[14:33] hame> just a nobody
[14:33] hame> :)
[14:34] beL-> awww...... that's sad, cause i don give any nobody my name
[14:34] Hatred\> her names isabelle
[14:35] Hatred\> =D
[14:35] beL-> hame's isabelle?
[14:35] hame> ????????????????????///
[14:35] hame> wat????????????????????
[14:35] DarkThane> hame = isabelle
[14:35] DarkThane> ok
[14:35] DarkThane> i din knw
[14:35] beL->
[14:35] Hatred\> LoL
[14:35] DarkThane> but now i know
[14:35] * beL- looks vaguely lost
[14:36] hame> i'm not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[14:36] hame> DOH!
[14:36] Hatred\> LOL
[14:36] Hatred\> rofl
[14:36] hame> i'm a guy!!!
[14:36] hame> -_-"
[14:36] beL-> oh... neither am I
[14:36] beL-> obviously, Hatred's info is warped
[14:36] DarkThane> a guy with a girl's name?
[14:36] hame> oh... so you're isabelle.
[14:36] hame> icic.
[14:36] DarkThane> u should have been called Prune
[14:36] hame> hahahahahahahaha
[14:36] beL-> no.... i'm not isabelle
[14:36] hame> pune?
[14:36] hame> prune?
[14:37] hame> i not stupid.
[14:37] hame> :p
[14:37] Hatred\> puny
[14:37] hame> eh?
[14:38] Hatred\> ord lo
[14:39] DarkThane> i think steph, we should award ourselves with Champion Cock Talker
[14:39] Hatred\> lol
[14:39] Hatred\> bah
[14:39] hame> ...
[14:39] Hatred\> I goin off le
[14:39] Hatred\> u goin later?
[14:39] hame> steph is hatred right?
[14:39] Hatred\> no hame is lame
[14:40] hame> ...
[14:40] * hame slaps Hatred\ around a bit with a large trout
[14:40] hame> UGHHH
[14:40] hame> :p
[14:40] Hatred\> hmm
[14:40] Hatred\> what time the movie
[14:41] Hatred\> mus plan what time to appear
[14:44] hame> ...
[14:44] hame> u come at 6
[14:44] hame> else i kick u
[14:44] hame> :p
[14:46] Hatred\> ....
[14:46] Hatred\> whu are u man
[14:46] Hatred\> =X
[14:46] hame> eh
[14:46] hame> i'm a nobody
[14:46] hame> or i'm isabelle
[14:46] hame> hahahah
[14:47] Hatred\> I shall decide at 6 whether I wanna go =X
[14:47] Hatred\> I dnone to see flaw
[14:47] hame> hmm ok lorz
[14:47] Hatred\> hmph
[14:47] hame> why not?
[14:47] hame> cos the bf not u is it.
[14:47] hame> hehehehehe.
[14:47] Hatred\> lol
[14:47] Hatred\> *luckily*
[14:47] Hatred\> =X
[14:47] hame> lolx
[14:47] hame> okok
[14:47] hame> be sure to come k
[14:47] hame> try larz.
[14:47] Hatred\> Im in bandages la
[14:47] Hatred\> see how
[14:48] hame> hmm ok lorz.
[14:48] hame> be careful dere
[15:32] * f|aW fwaps DarkThane about the head with a can of tuna~
[15:32] hame> doh
[15:32] hame> hihi flaw
[15:32] hame> how's ur bf?
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:38:00 PM
...rainbow nestled against angry clouds...
today i was nearly late for physics test.. spent yesterday in a daze trying to cram information into my head. electrical circuits and stuff.. mi not good at that. bleargh. also damn distracted by my comp and the tv.. they were having this linkin park $2 bill concert thingy on mtv i think.. omg.. they played songs off meteora and hybrid theory.. *swoonswoondrooldrool* so suave.. :X heheh.. kewl shit. couldn't concentrate on my electromagnetism.. lolx..
stayed up till 2+ i think. not sure. kept dozing off and waking up with achy head.. head tilted in awkward postion or nodding off in front of comp.. haix.. woke up again at 6.30am to bathe and go to school.. oh wells.. raining damn heavy at balestier area. could hear the rain coming down in torrents from my house, and the sky was all dark and grey.. as dark as the future of my phy.. lolx.. kinda weird.. y'know you hear the rain, you see the rain, but it's not raining where you are.. but all around you.. o.0; interesting phenomena.. oh yah. last night on tv they were showing phenomenom.. i watched it a long time ago.. oh wells..
so this morning i was trying to decide whether to walk into the audi feeling very extra and v late or to take a cab altho i still felt unsafe cos of sars.. o.0; when i reached the road, i saw the bus pull off out of the corner of my left eye and a cab driving towards me from the corner of my right. so i stuck out my right hand and flagged the cab. cabby was so happy to see me. greeted me enthusiastically and stuff.. pity i couldn't chat, i had to study. so studied on the way over. it was raining over at amk that side.. dark clouds that were clearing up.. i happened to take a break from my notes (as i did occasionally to check my location and to check the time) and look out the window on my left. omg. a familiar yet so rare semi circle of color greeted my vision. nestled there amongst the soft grey clouds, it looked spectacular, framed by the buildings at its sides and the grassy area below, it stood out of the sky amongst those water color patches of grey.. soothing. o.0; wonder if anyone saw it? it was around 7.55am at amk central.. behind jubilee centre.. and continued for quite a long stretch.. perfect semi circle of 7 colors, barely blending into one another against a patchy sky, standing starkly out. one of the reli reli rare times i've ever caught sight of a perfect newly formed rainbow... O_O
paid $7.30 for the taxi fare. kinda steep. i think he drove too slowly or took a roundabout route.. maybe i'll just take it as viewing charges for the rainbow. bleah. reached audi in time and found a seat. finished the damn test with 30-40marks untouched and left at 10am. hopped to point x for awhile and chatted to juan. decade fren yz was also there, as well as shinrong, jun an and of cos jessie.. oh wells.. yep. i passed her the sars declaration form already. but i din pass up my chem. let's just hope he wun kill mi for that. =/
headed home around 10.20.. mrt quite crowded. took my feeder home and i saw an old schmate.. yeehan~ yep.. she's changed quite abit. became er.. more.. wen1 rou2? hahah.. reli loh. i think she's pretty now. not that she wasn't before, but now she radiates feminine charm in addition to her rosy complexion.. oh wells. why all the ij gals so chio cept for me? *cries* haihai~ =(
yep. heading out later tonight for a few gatherings. dunno which one to pick tho. =\ hahaha.. oh wells.. gotta do hw also and try to install the copy of wc3 i pirated myself! wahaha.. tataz~
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:08:00 PM
hOohAa!! with renewed energy today i blog! yeah~ not depressed anymore! muahaha.. went to school today.. normal normal ok ok day! haha.. kinda fun also.. lalala.. my mood is like the ever-changing weather.. haha.. how about.. the rain in spain? heh.. or the london fog? quick showers in singapore? it fluctuates. highs and lows. i guess when i'm low i tend to see everything with heightened sensitivity and crap. or perhaps.. what i see is the truth, but when i am happy or more or less sane, i see everything kinda blurred around the edges. reminds mi of my eyesight.. i'm always without mi specs.. seeing everything smooth and rounded and soft.. =)
anyway.. i'm so darn happy today! i got a damn cd burner!~ OMG OMG OMG HAPPY LIKE SIAO OK! damn happy! school was as usual.. altho i had to chiong chem hw during my double break.. din wanna get maryanne into trouble.. in the end, postpone to monday. kao. i FINISHED leh! i did i did i did! lols.. loads of distractions around me tho.. but nvm! i finished!!!!!!!!!!!!! wahahhaas.. yep. after phy lect i went to the tables outside the library to do hw with a couple of my classmates.. cca at 2.30.. it was only 1pm.. sheesh.. hahah........ did maths tutorial.. mm! den stoned and chatted, but stoned more than chatted.
smsed kelv n pj to ask for venue. in the end realised both of them din bring phone. haix. same type one. whahah.. larkily i had to sense to trod down to 212. meeting was fine. meijun turned up. mm.. 2 more new j1s also. mr roberts did the usual scary act.. us trembling the already cold aircon.. oh wells... i feel like such a slacker. i should pull my socks up and roll up my sleeves and do some work....................... =/ gotta print fonts.. remind me! ugh.........
hmm.. later pj left for novena.. but she left her stuff behind. passed them to kelv to pass to her.. lol.. oh wells.. pj dear~ be less forgetful! =X must have been something big going on where she was heading. o.0;; tml is her friend's bdae.. i think i'll go and just... stare longingly at the cake.. wahha.. den wish the bdae boy.. ^^ later on packed up and walked outta sch with quan han (correct anot?) and kelv.. kelv took a bus, so i was left with him. mr roberts calls him jeremy.. cos it's easier to pronounce (and remember) so perhaps i'll still to it too.. =D quite a nice guy. laid back. although not very hyper.. heh.. but easy going.. took some time to warm up tho.. today my brain was on dead_+ crap mode. oh well. couldn't think of anything intelligible the whole day. omg. i am sooo screwed. anw, i was headed to bugis.. and he was headed to the green line.. so got to know him better.. haha.. met lex at bugis.. went to sls.. to look at my lao gong. omg omg omg my lao gong so damn chio+yandao arrrrrrrr!!! *faints* i forked out $92 for him and $7 for 10 blank imation cdrs.. need to get more.. ASAP! running out quick. and it's only the first day. i've used 3.. gonna burn like.. at least 1 or two more.. eh.. let's make it 1.. heh.. yep.. must run down to sls again.. asap. o.o; oh wells...
walked around sls learning loads bout pcs. pity my brain was on -away- status. blehs.. later headed to bugis with my lao gong close to me.. mi holding him in a plastic bag. wahaha.. so chio........ =D~ couldn't wait to get home to fix him up and use him and stuff.. =D XD wah .. so ureshii.... atashi wa kyou ga totemo ureshii desu yo! hontou ni~~ shiawase... heh
had a drink and read the newpaper (lol, dun ask why. found it on the seat of my chair in bugis food court) as well as chatted.. everyone now and then i would steal glances at my new lao gong~ so chio... departed at 8.30pm.. i went home.. in the end i told my mom.. wahah.. she wasn't even angry. blargh. quickly i took out the casing of my comp.. fixed up the cdrw, but encountered a problem. stupid thing.. dun have the sort of slider thingies.. grr.... had to call lex... (gomen! mi damn troublesome... *cries* and baka.. extra baka today..... *gomen!*) doubt he will see this tho. he dun like to read blog. waahhaha.. oh wells.. i feel so guilty. =| but mi so so so so so grateful. and i so so so so appreciate his help. so thanks a buncha~ ^^ swapped dvdrom with cdrw.. only one of those thingies.. grr.... fine loh... my lao gong so much more good looking.. heh. ivory and blue~ so chio.....
mi haven't done anything cept fix up comp, talk on phone, and burn burn burn the whole day. oh well. 2.30am. panda. shit. haaaaaix. sure die. =( tml got gp haven't do transparency yet. fwak....... homework homework homework. bogged down by fucking hw....... hehehehehehhe......... LAO GONG WO AI NI! *rapes tdk cyclone* =D~~~~~
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:29:00 AM
gawd. my blog entry is as screwed as me. oh fucking well. =\
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:35:00 PM
haix. depressed. today was depressed from when sch started till when i ended it... right up to now. damn . fine. i dun give a shit. sad lar. fucking hell. just reminding myself how i feel makes me feel like... crying. fucking word. i hate it i hate it. makes me sound so fucking weak. argh. i would rather feel numb. (linkin park - numb) i guess being numb is the best. but isn't that what drives people to cut themselves? just to feel the pain? i would never cut myself. hit myself, yes, but not cut myself. first of all, i don't think it's stupid, neither am i condoning it. it's up to the person. not my business. i am so fucking afraid of inflicting cuts on myself. count in incisions, booster shots, whatever. fucking hate it. but ram my head against the wall i would oblige quicker if faced with only these two choices. dunno if i'm fucking falling into depression again. it's been so long. i fucking hate this feeling. i fucking hate it. i mean, it's all peachy when you're trying to get into the mood to write another bram stoker novel or do a stephen king, but when you're trying to fit in and look happy in the least, how the fuck do you create a facade so impeccable it conceals everything? i think today i genuinely smiled fewer than five times. i like to be happy. to laugh to smile to crap and hang with friends. i like people around me. i like telling jokes and watching them double up in laughter. i like being able to sustain people's interest while i'm talking. i like to have lengthy conversations with no lack of topics. i'm a people person. it's just so painful in school. so painful to be in school. one of the many reasons why i took off like, two periods earlier today. i skipped my free period and pe. phys ed. not that it fucking sucks, but i just wasn't in the fucking right frame of shit mind to will myself to run just to please the teacher. i actually think i'm beginning to like mr koh (as a teacher, of cos). he gave me encouragement and support yesterday while i was struggling to complete my damn six rounds, and he's approachable, easy to talk to, gregarious... like a fatherly figure. i dun consider myself having a real father figure i can really turn to and confide in. i lost him about four years ago in a petty spat. we haven't spoken since. it's partly my fault cos when i get really mad i get explosive. explosive and rude and uncaring about everything else. just to hurt and to yell and to fucking explode. i rarely explode. i like to bottle my feelings up. it aint healthy. and once in a while i explode. i go nuclear. you wouldn't want to come near me while i am on the rampage for fresh blood. it's scary. anyway my fucking thighs and calfs and muscles hurt. they ache and they ache. too much pe yesterday. a lethal dosage of physical strain after a month of inactivity. nearly sedentry lifestyle. when i walked up the stairs, they fucking hurt. when i walked down, they hurt too. i couldn't walk properly. but somehow that constant ache in my leg muscles didn't really seem to bother me until i went and thought about them. thinking fucking sucks. which bastard invented a brain ought to be condemned. but then again, we all were born with them. some in perfect working order, and others with theirs slightly off-centre. i wish i could sell my brain yet keep my existance. thinking about things only serves to make me feel fucking worse and it increases exponentially the redundant worries that every now and then so conveniently pop up in my mind like a bread in a toaster, constantly reminding me of my shithole life. or giving me headaches over stuff that doesn't even fucking concern me, yet i feel they do. i hate thinking. i hate i hate i FUCKING hate it. perhaps i shouldn't be blogging here at all. perhaps i should just change my blog address and not tell anyone except for my closest friends. or perhaps not tell anyone at all. everyone is reading what i'm fucking bitching about now. everyone fucking knows my shitasshead problems. and yes, as of today, my vocabulary is limited to one word: fuck. i love that fucking word, dammit. somehow repeating it a thousand times over would make me feel better. interesting huh, how such a short word can be of such solace to one's soul. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck oh gawd. fucking roxors. haha.. today was really one of the most horrible days in my life. ok, i admit there have been worse days. but i was walking around feeling so numb the whole day. bright spots of life occasionally dragging me back to proper existance when friends came around and said hi to me. i shall declare that none of the people in my class i consider as friends. they are just my fucking classmates and i have to fucking live with them for the rest of the year, at least. today i shut the fuck up the entire day. didn't feel like opening my mouth to say anything. and when i did, i went unheard. that's the fucking problem with having such a sucky voice that no one can fucking hear, dammit. i guess that's good anyway. if i just stand in the shadows, i would go unnoticed. been feeling so damn lonely since school started. although i'm surrounded by smiling laughing faces, i'm lonely. they're fucking looking at each other and not at me. i am out of the picture. permanently. i dun fucking exist. but somehow the saddest thing is, i'm a people-person, like i mentioned before. i need people. sure, i hang out with them during breaks or while heading to class or what fuck, but it's not like hang as in have fun and chat hang. it's more like hanging myself on a skewer and following them around like a sick lost unwanted yet pitied puppy. lost and quiet, sometimes even forgotten. hangman. i play that fucking game every day. every turn is a guess. wrong guess and bam. i gravitate further into the negative region. i guess i would feel better if i actually could mix with them, but i can't. last year it was somewhat bad, but it was fine. after i started getting fucking tonsilitis ever so often and fucking missing class.. after i discovered the joys of playing hooky, cutting classes, slacking and the art of misdemeanorism.. after a lot of fucking shit was spread about me.. i became even less close with my class. even with jessie. fewer and fewer things in common. i don't fucking like school anyway. i just drag my fucking ass back to that facade of bright and happy blue and yellow building just to fufil the stupid motive that all singaporean children have: to go to university. it's the preferred route. and jc is much cheaper than poly. i have no fucking idea what to do in poly anyway. no fucking idea what to do in jc, so i just took the combi that was most sought after. posted in a fucking class where i have nothing in common and nothing to say to the girls. cept for a rare few who don't need me hanging around them the whole fucking while, cos, guess what? they have friends and i don't. actually i have friends. loads. but it's either we're all drifting apart and growing so cold and distant, or it's just the hi-bye kind. today i saw many people i know, but i didn't fucking care to wave or smile or even to notice them. i feel so fucked up today. let me rant. i fucking hate school. today that word was echoing in my head by the minute. every sentence i thought of was punctuated by fuck in its many forms. i walked out of the school gates a hour and a half earlier, thinking, i'm getting the fuck outta this knn ass school. fucking screw ajc. i walked out, my heavy bag fucking hurting my shoulder. 3 tys today. what the fuck is wrong with me. i bring them back and forth back and forth. i go home, i don't get any fucking homework done. it's more than homework that is fucking making me depressed, it's life in aj. or should i put it, life in my class. somehow i don't have affinity for anyone. i was sitting with them today. silent and stoning. every now and then nibbling at my chicken pao. every once in a while which was about 3 times that period, i would make small - or should i say - microscopic talk with the people around me. no mood to talk. or to raise my voice. so just ended up speaking to empty air, my words fading into the bustle of the canteen. couldn't smile today. walked around looking like a fucking zombie on anti-prozac. wtf. oh yah. i fucking hate my classmates' attitude. fuck them. at least i bother to wait or to chat or whatfuckingshit. they? pretend they don't know me. choose to avoid me. fine. fuck off. i have the fucking plague. so get the hell away from me or you'll fucking catch it too. yeah. shit you too. have a nice day. grr. i went to the library during break today to complete my maths tutorial. decided that was pretty much the best way to spend my breaks also since i usually end up standing quietly around, trying to look inconspicuous, and wishing i could just turn invisible. heard my friends asking around who wanted to head to the library. no one asked me. fine. solitude is best for getting work done anyway. although i dislike being alone. so i grabbed my bag and headed there, walking alone and rather slowly, burdened by my heavy bag and my aching legs. took my maths to the 3rd floor of the library. first one of my class to arrive. so many empty seats. good. a table to myself. was in the midst of solving yet another knn problem on vectors when two of my classmates walked behind. i heard them muttering something about me. i caught my name. they did not sit with me. they sat at another table about 2 metres behind, near the discussion room. probably said something nasty about me. probably saying:'let's not sit with MEREDITH. we might catch something'. or perhaps they said:'let's not sit with MEREDITH. who wants to be near her anyway? i'm treated like a fucking loner. a f u c k i n g l o n e r. i fucking hate this feeling! what's most sad is that i hang around but don't belong. i hang around but don't belong. i fucking hang around and don't belong! i am so fucking extra gawdammit. when will this fucking sick cycle that repeats itself day in and day out fucking end? perhaps i should hang out with me myself and i at the library more often. turn into a fucking nerd. that works too. at least their opinion of me being a fucking lazy slacker will change. and maybe they might start making use of me to ask homework. which i will fucking gladly tell them to get fucking lost. and fucking outta my sight before i fucking kill them. i'd sooner slap all of them than talk to them. fucking idiots. i hate all of them. so anyway i was in the library. the bell rang before i could complete my last question, so i packed up and was leaving the same time my two classmates were leaving. i attempted to walk with them (or rather, behind) out of the library, and our bags were at the same place even. as usual i'm fucking slow when it comes to fumbling with my bag, not to mention one of them was fucking in my way and did not even move when i reached to get my bag or smiled at me. i was invisible. fuck them. i was zipping up my bag when they finished and i was expecting them to wait with me, cos it's the polite thing to do. but fucking hell. not only did it fucking PISS ME OFF and fucking HURT me.. grr. i really felt like a pile of stinking unacknowledged shit on the forgotten dusty unswept untrodden pavement. ancient shit. FUCKING HELL. what the FUCK is wrong with PEOPLE nowadayS?! and i thought we were supposed to be a FUCKING gracious society. i thought the both of you were FUCKING NICE. damn it. DAMN IT DAMMIT DAMMIT FUCKING SCREW THIS. the both of them just walked away. they walked away NOT ACKNOWLEDGING MY FUCKING PRESENCE. ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhatemeithinktheyhateme ithinktheyhatemeithinktheyfuckinghateme
fine. be that way. FINE. oh. and i missed the fucking bus this morning. the only good thing that happened. i didn't get booked. they just told me and a few more latecomers to join our classes. so we TRAMPED in feeling like everyone was looking at us. wp saw me walking by and he smiled and greeted me. not a bad start to the day. not a bad start. someone actually FUCKING smiled at me. thanks. =) oh well. another highlight was the mini band concert during mass civics today. i loved the music. took my mind over how i was feeling. this feeling of numbness, loneliness, feeling neglected and all fucked inside. after that was the mass lunch break. mad rush for the canteen. madmad rush. oh. and pj smiled at me today. another smile. thanks a bunch, dear. =) while mickey tan was talking i was stoning and thinking. thinking about all of this. in fact my mind was on this shit the entire fucking day, thank yer very much. thanks for NOTHING. why gimme this fucking headache. why. i don't deserve it. i don't FUCKING deserve it. ajc was a mistake. my class is a mistake. i am the fucking mistake. please erase me. not to mention jes was not in school as she was feeling unwell. take care hor. ^^ haix. lost in a sea of blank faces, where am i to go? drown or join the faceless crowd? i'm drowning. i'm going under. and if this gets worse i might either get a fucking box of prozac or fucking kill myself or fucking stop going to school altogether. or i could just grit my teeth, set my jaw, harden my heart and try to survive 2003. i hate 2003. it's a fucking year. it could very well be the end of the world. war. sars. my fucking life. what shit. i am plagued by shit this year. i am gonna die in shit. what a blessed life. pah. well, i guess if you've had the patience to read till here, congratulations. you now are free to go SPREAD FUCKING UNTRUE RUMORS about me in irc, or CONTINUE FUCKING UP MY LIFE. whatever suits you. whatever does. i am beyond caring. i am beyond anything. can't face anyone right now. i feel like fucking crying. felt like this in school. needed the warmth and solace of my home. needs. why does a human have to have them. fucking hell. fuck you.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:10:00 PM
I am the number 1 I am the loneliest number _ |
this quiz by orsa
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:51:00 PM
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:51:00 PM
morose monday
today was a weird day. loadsa mixed up feelings today. somehow after sleeping at 2+am last night i managed to drag my sorry ass outta bed at 5.37am in the morning to bathe. no wonder i was feeling damn shagged. could barely walk straight. oh well. after the cloud of sleep-fogginess more or less cleared from my system, i stumbled into the bathroom and took a loooong bath. only came out an hour later. blah. but was refreshed and more or less ready to face the school day, whether i liked it or not.
sat around trying to dry my hair while chatting to my mom. ugh. long hair. had to tie it later. don't like to let my hair down while in school uniform. no idea why. it just feels weird. *shrug* but that's just me. and funnily enough, when i'm in outing clothes, i don't like to tie my hair.. it just feels weird too! haha.. funny huh. *chuckles* towel-drying your hair sure takes an eternity. in the end i combed most of the water out of it, let it dry by itself for awhile while i packed my school bag, and tried to get all my things into order, with about 5 minutes left to spare to change into uniform and dash downstairs to catch that infernal 235 bus. blah!
my hair was in a mess when i tied it, and still rather damp, as always. and yes, i was wearing my towel over my underthings before changing into uni. blehs. gah. realised that i didn't pack my pe things so another mad scramble. uh oh. 7.00am. fuck. bus is a-coming! stuffed everything into my bag making it look bulky and rather odd-shaped and caught an empty lift. funny. normally at this time, the lift is packed. lift peak hour. oh well. good for me too. ^^ managed to walk to the bus stop before the bus came. in fact, i even had to wait for the damn contraption. ugh. it came about 3-5 minutes late. argh! i was so worried that i would miss the mrt train. but my hairtie was triple-tied, so it wouldn't come loose in case i had to make the mad sprint to school from the mrt station. haix. bus was oh so freaking slow today. it practically C R A W L E D. not to mention people got off at stops, so more waiting time involved. ugh. they changed the buses. now it's the new fangled one with the space to stand right in the freaking middle where more seats should be, and two tvs.. and that stupid seat that is practically useless as instead of being a two-seater, it has this freaking lump of bus-seat material sticking out of one seat like a camel's hump. wonder if anyone knows what it is for. if you do, please please please enlighten me. it's bugging the shit outta me.
bus crawled to a stop at the interchange at 7.10am. omg omg omifreakinggawd. 2 minutes to get my sorry ass and my outofshape bag to the gantry and downstairs to the train. i walked like a soldier, past people, even exited from the front of the bus. bleah. made it to the first arrival notification signboard with 1 minute to spare. gahs. began to run abit. normally in train language, it means the freaking thing is approaching. took the stairs down in time to hear the roaring sound of an approaching train and got in front of the double doors with seconds to spare. saw a teacher that i always saw at braddell mrt station. i think she's the pd tutor of 18/02 and decade fren yz's maths tutor. forgot her name (again!) tho. haha.. she was talking to a couple of her students. wonder why she changed to taking from tpy instead. *raises eyebrow* nope, i have no idea too. din see manyi around, unfortunately, so no one to chitchat to while doing the usual bit of commuting.
was quite stoned in the mrt, and the golden-orange sunlight that filtered through the glass panels hurt my eyes. either it was too early, or it has been long since i've seen the morning sun. *shrug* bag was killing me with its stone-like heaviness. 2 ten year series, my file with loadsa messed up papers, my pencil case, pe attire, etc etc. blargh. not to mention it was big and it blocked the way. =/ last time my bag was too small to fit a file and i complained. now it's roomy enough and i still complain. oh well. one is never satisfied.
oh yah. talking about my pencil case, i'm so so stupid. ugh. bloody me. i left my most important stationary at home! arGh! my pencil, my pen, my correction fluid and my eraser. gawd. then i learnt that we had ionic equilibria class test that very day. --' thank goodness i had the sense to just bring the condensed version of that topic - my notes that i wrote and summarised. so did some last minute speed learning a few minutes during the break after pe and the few minutes before the test itself, during maths tutorial. grr. had to pop by the bookshop for awhile before maths tutorial and dish out $3.70 for a pen and a mechanical pencil (with an eraser of course) as stupid me left my stationary at home, but brought my pencil case with all the obselete writing instruments. grr. at least i remembered to pack my calculator and my spectacles or i would have been more in a fluster and more at loss today. haaaaaaaaaaaaaix. but go me. i didn't want to borrow from others, and i didn't. ^^ i dunno if i'm right, but i sense my classmates see me funny. and perhaps some have slightly negative opinions about me that they keep to themselves. i dunno. i just sense this aura. or perhaps i'm being too freaking paranoid and conscious. haix. at least i didn't further irritate the shit outta them by borrowing their stuff to use.
grr. the tent set up outside my house is having its usual chinese festivities again. no idea what festival it is this time. there are people singing, playing music. and i predict an auction is coming up, after all the praying. hungry ghost festival? with the ge tai? dunno. at least the volume is bearable this time around.
sat through a very interesting maths lecture on permutations and combinations today. mr tan sl has really improved on his teaching methods since we last had him during the lecture on vectors. =) he prepared transparencies, although he lost one and had to write it from scratch for us. but it was good. got sleepy towards the end tho, like i always do. if you look at something or listen too hard, somehow drowsiness sets in. really interesting lecture. althouh i didn't have the lecture notes. =\ gotta borrow them from someone again. argh. fuck. i hate borrowing stuff. i have this feeling that when i do, people will feel irritated but lend it anyway since they're supposed to act oh-so-nice and stuff to everyone, be it beast, man or dith. ugh. then they eye you with this ｬ_ｬ look, i feel. it's just not nice to borrow stuff. =\
ms tan huay lian nagged at me for the tutorial 25 again today. she told me that if i didn't hand it in by 5pm that day, she would make me stay back. of course no one human could finish it by 5pm. especially since i had class till 4.45pm, and today was a normal long day, with nada econs breaks. so i already mentally planned to hand it in first thing tml morning. yet, i am here blogging. i should be rushing maths tutorial or it will be another sleepness night for me. and another possible relapse of tonsilitis AND i'm still recovering. this is sick. oh well.
for chem we had the ionic equilibria test. sian 1/2. i shoulda studied way beforehand. then i could have aced it. ionic equilibria was one of my favorite and best topics last year. i actually listened and did tutorials for it. the wonders being conscientious can do. if only i had been conscientious for the past year and such. then i wouldn't have to worry about mugging for As and trying to get perfect 3As. blar blar blar. =\ after we finished the test with blanks in between and many cancellations, we peer marked it in pencil while mr lim went through on the whiteboard. ms wendy koh's class was waiting outside, so she closed the door so they wouldn't see the solutions as they would be taking the same test in the same classroom the period after ours. 23/02. jes' class. i saw her and tried to tell her abit about the test, but we were rushing for time so i half mumbled and we went our separate ways.
mm. still have yet to talk about pe. so skipskipskip back to 3rd period. after chem lecture, and alot of zoning out in the nmr lecture conducted by dear mr lim himself, as me and jes couldn't understand, it was time to change into my pe things for another stenuous physical and mental war with myself, the pe teachers, and the redred track that comes out color. --'
jes was feeling abit sick during chem tho. wonder if she's fine. i checked with her during the common break we had after my pe, and she said she was fine. o.o
today there was a new face amongst the pe teachers. turns out she was a student from 15/01 last year. whoa. the wonders will never cease. first you have jackson, now you have this female teacher. she takes my class. ms ong wasn't in sight at all today. i kinda miss her. *sniffle* lol.. to that, jessie remarked: "yeah right." wahahas. but i meant it. where's the jovial ms ong who's always crapping with me? =) min yee din come to sch today. no one's contacted her and we dunno how she is or why she's not in school. she's not the sort to cut class, so i guess she's sick. hope she's alright tho. although i don't really like her, or mix with her. heh
ran one round warmup after mr koh's usual lengthy lecture and talk about how our fitness has deproved tremendously and blahblahblah.. how half of one of the classes failed 2.4, blahblahblah, how napfa was postponed till the first week of may, (which was greeted with smatterings of cheers and whoops of joy).. and somemore blahblahblah.
an example of one with horrible fitness is me. did one round and was sort of panting at the end. talking to shuting. but somehow chatting takes my mind off the running my legs do. haix. it's really mind over matter for me. once i get over the mind bit, i'm ok. i can train, but again, it's my mind.
taf people departed for taf group pe lessons after the stretching exercises after our run. i learnt that we had to run 6 rounds (for the girls) omg omg. 6 freaking rounds?! at first mr koh wanted me to do all of them at one fucking go. omg i can't. i will sooooooo die. torture sia. so we had a compromise. 3 rounds, walk 100m, 2 rounds, walk abit and then jog the final last bit to the finish. ok.. sounded reasonable. yay! so proud of myself ok. i did it. it was hell at first, but i was sort of stoning at the track and telling myself not to stop however strong that bloody urge was and however loud that fucking voice in my head was screaming to me: STOP NOW YOU IDIOT. I WANNA REST. REST. LEGS HURT. ARGH. TIRED.
later we headed to the courts to play netball. at first was 4vs4 amongst the girls, then we played with the guys.8vs8. at first he wanted to split us evenly into groups of girls and guys, but us feminists declared we wanted to wage war, so be it. he let us. and he even joined the girls' team. hahaha.. our handicap. i dunno who won in the end cos we didn't really keep track. lol. it was a somewhat fun game in the scorching heat of the sun. eunice got injured tho. she sprained her ankle badly. =/ and she ran with me for most of the 6 rounds. mr koh too. LOL i wanna run with mr koh. gives me moral support and encouragement. ^^ i dunno if i enjoy the extra attention or if i fake being the most unfit student during pe. unfit, yes. i admit i am. but i always perform below my capability. and the attention. the pe department knows my name so well. gawd. i bet they even dream about it in their sleep. lol! so cool. i haunt their lives! muahahaha.. *hollow laughter* but yep. i reli am damn unfit. but getting fitter! =) building up stamina right now. as for the attention, well, sometimes it gets on my nerves, but i'm more or less used to it, so whatever. =P
during lunch break i only had a yam bun. the canteen was so fricking full as always. we couldn't find a seat. today i hung out with jessie and sok teng. ok.. but can't really talk to them these days. ah. dun care also lar. blehs... sometimes i feel like i was put in the wrong class. i don't really fit in and i don't really get along well with any of the girls. and for the usual gender segregation at aj, i deem it weird to be seen hanging around the guys all the time. so blar. blar blar and blar. anyway shiling said she didn't like the girls in my class today. heh. cept for jessie tho, since they're like sec sch pals. but jessie was my good friend from 1st 3 months. my. have we drifted. now she's on to sokteng, and i'm.. well.. more with jes. =)
companied sokteng around today for some photog stuff and to look for some people. den went to the library to use the comps. arh.. boredboredbored. comps there were freaking C R A W L I N G. 32mb ram. omg. took me 15 minutes to access ivle, log in and open the self study lecture notes for maths. 17 pages in all. i'm supposed to go print it out now. but blarh. soon soon. after i finish this darn entry. and yes, my day isn't over yet. why oh why am i boring you guys with all the details of my boring life. yawnsville.
had double gp after that. mrs leow was on 2 days mc so i heard. apparently she fell and injured herself. i do hope she's at home. currently there's this common fear of hospitals that we all have. the dreaded four letter abbreviation. SARS. today my mom made this remark that set me chuckling. we watched the advert of fear factor on tv and we were also previously discussing the sars epidemic. so she wondered aloud what would they do if faced with sars in an episode. of course that won't happen on tv. but hey, in actuality, it IS supposed to be REALITY TV. so hey, add the sars for a lark, it's everywhere! haha.. yep. cases now in the US even. yep. even the usa aint insusceptible to this epidemic.
we had to write an essay during gp lesson today. i did the one i was doing a groupwork on. "'fools rush in where angels fear to tread.' are risk-takers fools or heroes". see, i even have the damn title stuck in my head. --' i finished the essay, although the conclusion was rushed. erm. 2 lines? so unlike me. but rushing for time leh. physics prac up next. sai ghor. bleargh! loads of people couldn't finish. haha..
LOL. somehow gp reminds me of theng yiu. cos he passed the message ms ang siew lian passed to him today. about doing the essay and bringing the animal connection notes on wed. yep. i was running the 4th round of 2.4 today with mr koh. he came running past asking for a break as his stomach was itching like crazy and he wanted to head to the little boys' room to hopefully alleviate it with tap water. later he came back and ran with us. mr koh remarked that perhaps he was suffering from love handles and he was too young to have them. then i said perhaps he didn't bathe. haha.. oh well. den mr koh said maybe he had stretch marks or something like that. ran for about 200+ metres. took my mind off running. light hearted humor and chitchat. bleah. but LOL about his stomach itching. wahahhaa.
physics was another touch and go thing for me. she went through the emi tutorial today. eek. i didn't do. i didn't even copy any of the lecture notes as i wasn't in school either. haix.. but i copied what she wrote on the whiteboard and paid attention, hopefully looking attentive and interested. yes. i was interested. honest! the next period we did practical. more circuit connection stuff with resistors and shit like that. easy shit. and fun! lol..kinda reminded me of permutations and combinations as we had to find 7 ways to connect the 4 resistors in order to have 7 different readings. interesting...
borrowed emi lect notes from jessie after prac. she was running slow on the prac, so i offered my readings for her referral. didn't have the same combinations. --' cept for one. felt so useless. took her notes home while she went for the chem FOE remedial. i skipped. i wanted to get my sorry ass home to chiong my maths tutorial 25, altho somehow i STILL am stuck blogging. and i'm only 3/4 done. ugH.... better wrap this shit up.
after school sorta hung around with the girls as they were also going home. walked behind, didn't reli talk, like i usually do while in their company. i only get along well with a few. most of them... nothing to talk about and i don't really like them either. haix. one reason why i dislike going to school. i feel so extra. and unwanted. =( i need to feel like i belong and that i am actively making noise most of the time. i dunno lar. that's just me. saw the two guys walk past. wanted to walk with them and head home, but in the end i decided it would be extra and the girls i was walking behind would kinda.. dunno. i dunno lar. i feel so caged up in ajc. so caged up and restricted and QUIET. omg fucking sucks. my wings are clipped in blue-grey uniform. yadayadayada. oh yah. today i saw mj junior in aj uniform. she's wearing it so soon. oh well. i also did too, cos my ij uniform was freaking humongous and made me look more pudgy than i already was. she smsed mi later to apologize if she was rude or anything cos she was with her friends. *shrugs* this is the aj way. live it or drown cos of it. heck care attitude one.
waited for them to head to the lockers, happily chatting cept for one - me. they got out their pe stuff still yammering like happy birds on a too-early sunday. blahblahblah. two of them headed to the canteen to get a drink. so the rest cleared out and waited in the foyer. we walked to the mrt. 5 of us. a pair in front a pair behind. and me in the centre, silent. and alone. i must start to convince myself that being alone and being quiet is ok. although it might be frowned upon by some, esp myself, but it's ok. at least in aj. gotta learn how to survive. haaaaaaaix. thank goodness i heard a familiar voice behind me on the way. shilling! chatted with her and her friend instead. interesting, huh? how i can chat with others happily and enthusiastically, while with my classmates its mostly to assure them that yes, i'm still fucking alive and in their face.
headed home with her in the mrt with her chatting and laughing. so happy i met her on the way. totally ditched my classmates somewhere behind or some shit like that. i think they were in another carriage. anyway we reached tpy. shiling wanted to buy dindin so we got dindin. she went soya mad. she saw the yew char kuay and the bean curd and she bought bean curd and soya bean milk. then she got chicken rice, i think. i dunno what she said in chinese. --' later headed upstairs to mcDs to get nasi lemak for her grandaunt. yep. she's my other decade friend. =) actually she reminded me that it was a miscount. actually it was 11years. whoa. i know yz for 11yrs. o.o ^^ =D and shilling~ hahah.. i helped her order nasi lemak cos somehow she din know how to order it without the meal. --' twas $3.50. heh. after that went to wait for bus. our buses are pretty much in the same area, so we waited together. my bus came first, cos the queue for hers was damn long and the bus was damn crowded and she was carrying lots of food. haha.. she said she felt like an auntie. LOL
was beginning to rain. sky overcast and shit like that. i got on the bus. bumped into my next door neighbour. nice old woman. although i cannot communicate with her. didn't have a seat. this lady asked mi if i wanted to sit down beside her and she made room for me. *blur diao* din want to trouble her, so when the bus stopped at the traffic light, i stood in that empty section (YOU SHOULD PUT SEATS THERE) and stoned. i noticed my neighbour was carrying loads of barang barang. heavy and stuff. and it was raining and all. oh well. when the passengers cleared out, i got into an empty seat diagonally in front of hers. readied my umbrella cos i think she didn't have one, and i was already planning to help her carry that gigantic bundle of hers for her since we live on the same floor and side by side and all.
it was more of a heavy drizzle with strong winds when it reached the bus stop. the old lady took out a plastic bag and put it over her head to brave the rain. --' anyway, when the bus stopped, i offered to take her biggest bundle, and sheltered her with my umbrella although it was next to impossible towards the end as the winds were trying to blow my umbrella AND MY ARM away. -_-' so i became the polite and considerate side of me today. held the lift door, etc etc. den i put the bundle in her house, smiled and bid farewell to her den i got into my own unit. mom reminded me that there was a shelter. --' guess i din remember cos i don't use it. *shrug*
den i came home, stoned, ate, watched aXn and now i'm on the comp. blogging for close to two hours now. better stop. gotta eat, print out maths notes, do hw and sleep. i need my beauty sleep. nighterZ.
wUv dith ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:54:00 PM
This is my blogchalk:
(.. ) ( .. ) ( ..)
`/.tagGiE~.\'
To Do List - JAN
.devote&resolve
.stevie
.jog
.plan for poison
To Do List - FEB
.3rd MUSE
.13th - 16th: HCNY
.jog
.work x3
.plan for poison
To Do List - OTHERS
.make pyong the fox for my sis (bought materials)
.clean my ps2 lens
.read more thought-provoking books
.start writing again (poetry/songs/prose)
.study philo/random theories/psychology
.study business theories
.tidy the place
.actually BUY a swimsuit
.learn how to swim
.bake
.design wall mural for room
.learn how to knit/crochet properly
.print my grad photos
HOSHII MONO
.ryokou
.phD/masters behavioural psychology
.BANANA.BANAO
.shiawase
.yasetai