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You're strange and we like fur
Strange, walking down the avenue
You're strange just the way you are
Strange, always doing something new
© 2003 DEVILROBOTS
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@_@
how how should i?
For those who still wish to join in the Audition Launch Party on Saturday, 02 September 2006, all you need to do is buy a limited edition Audition Cap @ $10 and be invited to the party! The caps will be on sale at PCBunk on 02 September 2006 from 10am to 12pm.
Participants who purchase the Audition Cap will be given a redemption coupon for the collection of the cap. Redemption for the caps will only be available after 15th of September at PCbunk.
Get ready to Groove with AuditionSEA this Saturday!
* Participants who purchase the Audition Cap on the event day will not be entitled to goodie bags.
* Purchase of cap is limited to one person per cap on first come first serve basis.
* Limited entry to PCBunk.
X_X
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:59:00 PM
tml another shoot.
The Chase.
wa i'm scared.
scared i fuck things up.
cos i don't trust myself.
i never ever trust myself.
cos i always go blur
and fuck things up
things i know i can do
but i just go and fuck up
cos i'm blur
sigh
tomorrow i'm the sound gal.
holding the mixer, fanny pack and boom.
dun wish to screw up.
please, sound mixer, boom, camera, dv tape gods...
protect our shoot tomorrow.
qing ni bao you wo men!
*kowtows to DV tapes pack of 3*
X_X
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:35:00 PM
let's play guess the celebrity!
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:13:00 AM
yea i admit it. been playing audition till 6+am. made myself super sleepy during jap class today. not to mention it was so darn cold and that increased my sleepiness. add in me wearing my specs and i am even more sleepy. heh i dunno why but feeling cold and wearing specs can increase my sleepiness. they're catalysts! haha.
on tue i didn't friggin know there wasn't gonna be any 322 tut. i think i was stoning in the lecture on monday, heard smth like 'if any of you are shooting during tutorial time, tell me and i'll go down and see'. didn't occur to me there wasn't gonna be any tut. sheeesh. so i arrived in sch around 940am, like 4 hours early for my 1330 class liddat. sigh. anyway i didn't go for that class also larhs. HAHAHA. wtF. more about it further down.
stoned around and luckily saw HM who was sleeping. so i poked her then she complained she was having a nice dream and that i woke her up. hahaha. exciting part somemore. blearghs.
anyway she then did some of her jap homework stuff.
@_@
reminds me 1.5 years ago when i just started learning jap officially. X_X
wahahahaha natsukashii na T_T
ano omoidase T_T
she went off for class so i went to disturb cyn.
ho hum.
then she went for class also!
nth to do.. so i did my jap hw....
AHHHHHHHHH REMINDS ME OF MY WET UMBRELLA IN MY BAG AR FUCK SOGGY PAPERS
ok ya anyway managed to stone until noon, then i went for the talk by n3il humphr3ys =D
wa dammit la.
so entertaining.
i'm actually quite sad he's leaving singapore!
T_T
he's very funny and his humor is those kind honest and ironic and got some local flavor also. not limited to duffy's british dry and sallow and weird humor.
he left the whole LT in stitches sia.
anyway i bought his latest book and helped shiyun get one also cos she wanted to get it autographed for her mama who loves him haha.
the queue okok la haha. about 30min worth of queueing.
hehe he wrote a sweet msg to SY's mom and i told him i also stay in tpy, then he wrote smth like toa payoh rocks! haha. funneh. and we took a piccie with him.
his talk was one of the things that made my day.
another thing that made my day was of course my CS friends..
and meeting mu!
haha mu dun say dith pangseh u for mr maomao ok.
cos i been meeting u tons and never even see reflection of his pigu ok.
he's hopeless and gone case.
study too much and extremely stressed and it's only the 2nd week of sch for him.
i reli have nth to say.
AHHAHAAAHA.
yay mu and i ate at marina sq foodloft.
we ate at the claypot stall. i had claypot bacon and lupcheong rice, she had something like sapor tofu and broccoli and stuffs. she didn't eat rice ._. mu why u eat so little nowadays. dith feel like ookii buta beside u even more so now T_T
anyway the claypot was yumyum.
dith likes claypot
=D
got that nice smoky taste yet... mmm i dunno how to describe. haha.
we did shopping..
actually mu did shopping, not dith.
-_-
i reli didn't buy anything except food wor.
wahahaha wa sian.
actually the truth is, the nice clothes cannot fit me so i also cannot buy ba. T_T
damn sianz.
oh ya it was so hard to find the ATM at marina square.
walked up and down and round and round and finally found one at... guess where?
ok la actually i had a hunch near the cinema got. so we walked there and walked past, even went up and around and asked the people there and peeked at the toilet corridor.
-_-
walked back and suddenly noticed people pressing something on a wall enclosed.
WA TMD the bloody atm machines were there and we walked right past them T_T
bth ahaha.
at night we adjourned to C.A. for 50% off cheesecake!
HAHAHAA.
took a LONG time re-finding C.A. wa damn sian i can't believe we got lost again. aahaha.
ordered oreo cheesecake, blackforest cheesecake, choc mousse cheesecake (forgot exact name) and OJ for mu. wa shIok i still like my blackforest cheesecake! reli tastes like choc ice cream cake. hAHahah.
anyway we stuffed ourselves silly larhs.
here's some of the carnage:
oh and this is kinda backdated (from saturday), but this is what happens when you combine 2 cute beaded purses together! hahaha. with 2 very bored ppl.
lolz.
today met mu AGAIN.
actually due to me having played audition until nearly 7am, i have only myself to blame when i was super drowsy today. 9am mu called my hp and i blurly answered. hahaha. rolled back to slp then 1130am woke up pom and went to ICA to take my mugshot before meeting her.
actually my mugshot seems ok, but mu says i look tinged greyish green. eh. nvm la. hahaha. i cannot be bothered. take photo can le. can relax.
and now i have 8 mugshots of myself.
mu wanted to go shoot shoot and she brought the cam all the way somemore. but it decided to RAIN. rain rain rain. got worse n worse and progressively worse sigh.
=(
at 510pm it was drizzling.
at 550pm the SKY WAS DARK like 8pm liddat the color and WOW SO STORMY tmd.
the ground was FLOODED.
tmd tmd
the rain was damn HEAVY. torrential.
ooame da.
MY SHOES GOT DRENCHED.
i was shivering the whole way in jap class.
diana got her feet and bottom of her jeans wet.
wa heng i wore my shorter jeans today.
-.-
keep smelling sogginess in class today. everyone was soggy or didn't come or late and wEt.
sigh.
didn't learn much in class today either, but the part about the animal names and sounds was fun.
hehehehehe.
elephant goes PAOON~~~~~
frog goes KEROKERO~~~~
chicken goes KOKEKOKKO~~~
dog goes WANWAN~~~
(wanroom toy collection. geddit? kerokerokeropi the frog. geddit?)
wahahahaha.
diao~
and of course, cats go NYA~~~~
=3
but cats will always be cats. especially the lone tomcat.
he might seem nice and guai and hardworking but he actually is inherently needing people for entertainment. seeing a girl nodding off in the mrt reminded him of me, he said. sweet but it's not. hahaa. not intended to be but just matter-of-factly.
sigh.
and am i aunt agony?
always call me and even the other party wanted to talk to me?
am i the middle-girl now?
dun wanna chup in la pls.
=(
sian.
then i'm also wondering if generic smses are sent to random various people in the phonebook because you're bored. i reply also you never reply me de. once then no more. are you busy? if you're busy you shouldn't even sms. cos it seemed like you were suggesting an sms chat but didn't give me one. maybe you just needed an update or something to do with your fingers (ie sms)?
i like chatting so don't draw me into expecting a reply while you don't intend to give me any and leave me hanging.
don't leave me chatting to myself while you slip offline too.
dun like it.
quite rude larhs.
ok very tired.
tomorrow is my 930am-630pm day.
i am gonna brush my teeF and sleeP.
anyway, ya.
day 6 and my earlobes seem to be doing fine.
don't really feel that grossed out when i clean it and fiddle with my earring also.
haha.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:35:00 AM
monday blUes!!!
not yellow not green but blue!
wear my heart on my sleeve (or on my shirt).
wore a white tee with a BLUE heart!
FEELING THE MONDAY BLUES AH
ok this is my tOdO list now:
.301 readings
.322 vid shoot fri
.323 readings (1 ch left)
.301 proj proposal
.323 presentaN(12 sept)
very very very stoned the WHOLE day.
shdn't have slept at 3am+ ytd but audition was just too fun..
npc reli very good for earning den
X_X
but i'm a lousy dancer.
but very fun to play with ki altho sigh..
ended up wasting 2 hrs of her time..
LOL.....
sianz
hope she finishes her report asap.
and that it nets her an A+++
(star until cannot star.. starstarstarcensored)
******
wahahaha.
the stars reveal:
jyouzu
XD
ok i'm nuts le.
but yay!
with the help of HM's trusty ibm lappy (that mel HATES)
we finished our proposal!
and also thanks to HM.
got H3 in the group.
sigh hope he delivers.
nvm we are very truthful with him.
i will be a total bitch to him if he dun do his share of work.
quad for lunchie of stuck-in-teethies beef baked rice.
then location recce + review of sadm building
really a very nice place
looks like a poly..
mu u shd seriously consider applying to SADM
i think during break u can slide down the grass.
LOL.
it's very pretty
i dun hate the grass roof anymore!
sometimes u gotta meet face to face to see the beauty
301 lect was a snoozer.
i did my readings but the stuff he covered totally off.
like wtf?
I DID MY READINGS LEH.
X_X
sk cut and dyed his hair!!!!
looks nice.
damn la i wanted to do my hair that color.
now must think of another color else ppl say i copy.
LOL.
fookz HAHAHA.
after 30min of slping in lect..
i dunno what happened
but finally lect over.
did some schwork den fled to JP.
me not in a chatty mood today btw.
X_X
can't talk properly when not enuf slp.
anyway bumped into daryl again at Banquet foodie court.
haha sho funneh la he.
HM this is for u!
i think his side profile is really nice.
he has nice long eyelashes.
HM u shd have been here!
more gaunt but nice features.
less intense maybe cos he's on summer hols and the culture overseas is more relaxed ba.
WHAHAHAHAA
oops.
sculli she come kill me.
anyway i reached bugis like 45min early again.
went shopping.
having a japan fair thingy.
i bought YET ANOTHER green shirt.
material's really nice.
and it was $23.90
the rest all $30+ $40+
saw the yellow top in DP, but when i tried it on, really weird.
not only cos it's semi-translucent (ie can see my black bra quite clearly)
but falls weirdly.
think those with long narrow torsos wear then very nice.
shoulders cannot too broad also.
mu i think it will suit u.
just nid to find it in ur size.
fox didn't have the tees i loved.
need to go back marina square to find.
=(
ZEHI ITTE KAITAI
jap class totemo tsumaranaiiiii
learnt all the stuff we learnt before.
diana and me sat eating my bag of chocs like 24/7 during the class.
she eat until she became full zomg.
bittersweet choc with raisin.
$2.20 for 100g.
my mom loves it.
ahaha.
very shag now.
but i wanna play audition!!!!
feels like we're drifting apart and going our separate ways..
goodbye, and good luck.
p/s: if you guys are still wondering abt the title of my entry,
it's called `dung because i had banDUNG today. ^^
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:42:00 PM
.301 readings
.322 vid shoot fri
.323 readings
.301 research for proj discussion tml
.323 tut presentation research (12 sept)
yum.
slurp all the work up.
=B
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:30:00 PM
should i be truthful,
or semi truthful to fuel confidence?
should i lie?
should i help whole-heartedly,
or should i help a tiny bit and leave the thing imperfect?
should i even contribute to another's work?
should i be there always,
or be there sometimes so as not to encourage reliance?
or should i not even be there at all?
should i push forward,
or should i push, retreat, waver?
should i pull back totally?
should i think,
think and be bothered and then see what my next movement should be?
or should i not think and just do?
what roles,
what roles should i assume,
what roles should i play?
am i a character in a theatre,
a screenplay,
or am i the critic,
laughing at myself?
you rely too much on me.
for entertainment,
for relief,
for assurance,
for boosting self-confidence,
for advice,
for encouragement,
for relieving boredom,
for company,
for opinions,
for experience,
for direction,
for many many things which you should already know and are able to do by yourself.
but still you do.
i'm not complaining,
yet i constantly wonder,
what is this?
whether it would be detrimental or beneficial.
to me and to you.
i try to be independent
i try to be helpful
i, too, need a crutch
i can't walk alone.
yet i can, too.
not entirely complaining but,
i just like to wonder what motivates behavior,
what comprises the psychology of the person who behaves in such a manner,
behavior, psychological make up, event-movitated...
person-oriented.
convenient excuses
habit
fulfilment
the literal pot of human stew.
i am so fascinated by your ingredients,
and the way you bubble on the fire.
i wonder how you taste like.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:29:00 PM
FINALLY!
met up with mu.
hahaha and she forever wear aqua-dot de LOL
and i NOE whether she is wearing it or not before i meet her cos she will sms and ask "dith wearing aqua?" cos we have the same top! hahaha but not the same size =X
did shopping today..
watered-down version T_T
sian it's like i wan buy but see no touch kinda thing u noe.
or see, touch, nO buy!
$_$
argh $_$
I WAN GO BACK MARINA SQUARE LAH
YELLOW dp top and YELLOW browny felty top from fox.
LOL
yellow craze =X
but still loyal to my green.. dun worry
BUT
if i still loyal to my green.. why the gloomy bear i got from gashapon is YELLOW and not GREEN?
IT'S A SIGN?
IS IT A SIGN?
wahahaha hahahaha hohoho hehehehe
left earlobe still pain.. is it because the earring is too tight there?
my right earlobe painless le.
T.T
*prays to the earlobe god*
anyway i bought a pair of orange hoops.
AHHHHHHH MY FIRST PAIR
can't WEAR yet
LOL
asdfghhhjj
hahahaha.
and i bought an OP white and bronzy tee.
waaaaaaaaaaaa.
and some toys...
mu ended up buying a GASHAPON LA omg
and she TIO a BIAN TAI neko
LOL!!!!!!!!!
giving a se4 look and it's got a BALL there!!!
HAHAHA MU
at least it's not the one with the ASSHOLE right!
*fainted*
but it's cute.
HAHAHAHA.
and she bought a pair of converse shoes with TWO TONGUES
can lick lick anyhow lick
damn bian tai =X
LOL
fainted.
wahaha hahaha
i'm high.
escapism from projs.
._.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:37:00 AM
practise my craft, hone it, sharpen my tools.
precision.
action.
satisfaction.
results are gratifying.
grin and gaze into a faroff distance.
and plot my next move.
mm supposed to go ICA yet again today.
i DIDN'T.
hence the supposed.
wa super lazy...
nvm i'm going out to slack..
:D
tomorrow must start doing research for 301 ler.
no time for other stuffs =X
i got too many personal 'projects' at hand.
but bahhh. they can wait.
i can't.
^_^
fulfil yourself before others, otherwise where would the "I" go?
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:58:00 AM
(blogger is down now. this post is belated -_-)
ahhhhhh got title, got things i did today, but no mood to blog.
okok la.
NARRATIVE time.
backstory: msn till 7am with pkk. SI TOFU i swear i will pinch ur cheeks some day ROAR
130pm i woke up like a blur fuck.
actually woke up prior to that due to smses but i also dunno what time.
saw huimin sent me a msg and that i had replied.
wahahahaha i could barely remember what i replied.
cyn also smsed me. continuation of last night.
2pm i woke up proper. switched on comp first thing of course, then pommed.
grabbed a bite at home before i left for orchard.. waaaaa gt late for 1/2 hr but nvm larhs. hahaha. got valid reason one larhs. aiyoh he looks so tired/haggard as compared to when i met him on sunday. oh man. one week of sch only leh... @_@
went to Scott's the downstairs foodcourt. think it's called Picnic. er.. he nv go there before O_O lol =X
erm walked back to wisma... den i decided that i was gonna do it!!! hah. erm i decided since like ytd on the mrt ride home. wow i'm still in disbelief. i actually go and do the scariest thing FIRST. wahaha i'm damn amazed by my courage. and resolve. wow. HAHA. but i was quite freaked for like an hour? lol!!!!
actually i really was quite freaked.
but i thought. hell la, if there is any one time i will do it,
it will be today. it will be NOW.
i think i will never pluck up the courage any other time.
erm and i have social facilitation to thank.
LOL
partly why i did it was to prove a point.. that i will do what i say
this was a point to be made to myself
and partly cos there was the so-called onlooker gt facilitating my thought.
kns he waited outside.
but nvm i wanted to do it alone too.
he said ppl inside the shop also looking at him.
give moral support in a weird way...
but in a way it also helped.
i was quite stable also.
waaa.
very brave.
sat on the stool then waa.. they prolong my fear by making me read some pamphlet, rubbing my ear with the alcohol and stuff.. drawing the mark.....
wa psychological torture sia. LOL
when the gun was ON my EARLOBE i was suddenly gripped by OWTF and i was hit by a slight wave of panic and felt the onset of trembles coming on.
but ahhhhh.. it was over and i was surprised it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would, and didn't hurt the way i thought it would.
LOL!
eh still got the left earlobe to pokepoke.
but @_@
not so bad.
my fear level was like an impulse force graph u noe..
those kind shoot up quite high then drop and remain constant.
LOL
why am i analysing this so much..
small thing to many ppl i noe
but to me..
BIG TIME fear of things that pierce..
needles, knives, anything that cuts or pierces skin..
anything SHARP..
and big time fear of injections, cuts, etc.
to me, it seriously is like ON THE LIST
of the top ten BRAVEST things i have done.
i think since i turned 21 i became a bit braver.
not only in this sense.. but also on the social sense and hmm i dunno.
braver to do, to say out, trying not to hold back so much.
keep my desire caged like a bird, and i will never earn the wings to fly.
erm anyway i was still in shock as i paid for the services and stumbled out.
my earlobes still have a slight dull ache.
especially on my left.
think it's a bit tight but nvm 3 days later i can go adjust.
i got some problem with wearing clothes now
LOL
faint
anyway i rated it 2/10 on the pain scale larhs.
the sound is louder than the pain.. feel more sound, pressure, force.. pain was quite tiny. didn't feel like those take needle poke skin.. more like i snap a rubber band at ur ear liddat.
ok enough about my da jing xiao guai encounter with the piercing gun.
went to kino with gt.
oh gosh i shall not comment abt his pia-ness.
anyway he bought like 2 books and 2 manga.
later we slacked in macD where he read the manga but i was like... LOL
TRYING TO READ larhs.
k la, can understand 50%.
he can finish reading 1 book in 25min or so.
in 25min i can read 25% to 30%+ which isn't so bad right? HAHAHA.
but of course dun understand half also la.
basic story can agar. but details.. LOL
the excitement in the story and mystery hinted at is LOST ON ME.
still prefer english LOTS.
eh forever got baby cockroach trying to disiao me one.
there was one "Tiny" crawling in macD.
zzzzzzz. heng it nv reli come kajiao me. it fell asleep at the table leg. but still so close lARH. i had to keep looking at it to check if it would start crawling up at on me. -_-
haha =X later went orchard mrt to meet T.
haha -_- when 2 guys get together, it's ARMY talk.
diao!
i stood there while they chatted briefly about army stuff and they CONTINUED on to disiao me. haha. response? me giving raised eyebrows.
but nvm la. haha.
chilled at The Cathay Starbucks with T before the movie.
watched The Beat My Heart Skipped.
pretty good, but i preferred Hard Candy and Adam's Apples.
today no student price =(
first time there for movie.
got a bit lost.
place looks half-built also.
nice starbucks tho.
went home STR8 after that. T also.
o_O
we are so guai.
he nearly psycho-ed me to go Home club for Beat. but ehhhh.
tml REALLY must go ICA take mugshot.
ugly ugly mug shots.
need to sleep early.
plus cig smoke and sweat is not good for my new willingly self-inflicted injuries.
aye.
nearly 3am.
off to bed with me!!
hehe.
still feeling so proud of myself.
HAHAHA.
damn.
hahaha fanning my ego-flames really feels good sia.
=D
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:33:00 AM
haha. i was just thinking about myself. how narcissistic right? ya but i was thinking about how i shoud improve/change myself, so that accounts for something right? so funny.. trying to blog while all hot and sticky from playing DDR on the dance mat. at least it's exercise in some form and that i like it. hahaha! most importantly, that i like it! yeA~
i think i should be more outspoken, more pro-active, more social, more assertive, more extroverted, more enthusiastic, more energetic...
but eh, if i were all those things, i wouldn't really be myself right? ahhh. the dilemma of staying put and being 'me' or suddenly taking a 180 degree somersault and not really being myself.
eh i'm trying ok.
i've taken up japanese classes, joined a cca, talked to more people, tried to take initiative (but failing), trying to be more sociable (but also failing since naturally i'm the sort who will actually talk to the people i feel more at home with) can talk is one thing, feel at home with is another thing. both together is great of course.
maybe i'll take some dance classes outside at the CC behind my house, or dance more DDR at home. try to pick up kayaking and/or swimming... eh maybe i'll pierce my ears too. ya, miracles do happen la. the only barrier that's stopping me is because i'm afraid.
afraid of so many things, i am.
i should seek the lion in me. where is my courage?
i must be brave and venture out;
to do what i wanna do.
for if i don't,
who is gonna bring them to me?
by the time they are tamed and brought before me,
what am i seeing but a zoo?
instead of them in their natural habitat - the wild?
i should go into the wild and become a hunter,
instead of being a friggin tourist - see no touch - in the zoo. petting zoo is for weaklings.
but i'm a weakling.
i'm one of them.
one of those scared people.
i am the hunted.
i will remain the prey until i pluck up my courage, my guns, my hunting knife
and go on a long journey into the wild.
yes. i must be brave.
how else do you hone your skills?
how else do you discover your talents?
how else do you find yourself?
mmm. didn't know there was a morning lecture today. haha anyway i didn't miss a single thing. zzzz so boring la. what's funny to him isn't funny to us ok. ninja, schminja lAH.
glad i missed it.
=D
sleep pwns boring lectures.
...with ninjas. -_-
morning was happily sleeping then J called me.
zzzz.
forgot what he wanted also.
i think school-related stuff.
aiyah anyway i'm quite coherent although half-asleep i think.
quite proud of it. LOL.
hmm my storyboard idea didn't get chosen for the next video proj. nvm it's ok. haha i'll accept the fact that i'm not a creative person larhs. =) it's ok.
think i have no flair for directing also larhs.
my spatial recognition function in my brain is malfunctioning i think. @_@
today quite happy lehs. for once i saw the usual gang of 5 in CS. happy happy. but grace had to zao for tuition =(
kamling disappeared =(
left me, peiting, sk and cyn. nvm it's plenty enough. haha. been so long since i felt this comfortable in CS. haha now you know it takes a LOT to make me feel comfortable. =X
but ya laughing like siao.. all the cold jokes come out.
^_^
brings back memories of year 1. but how ironic. we're year 3 already =(
aiyah...
still can't shake off some feelings.
no matter what i do to replace them, they still hover around me. haha what's my problem sia.
i shan't analyse stupid things like frequency of calls.
calls are worth more than smses.
both in monetary value and emotional value.
it used to just be smses.
now you tapai call me.
i dunno whether to laugh or smirk or scream.
on one hand, i'm reeling the fish in.
on the other hand, i might hurt myself later (again).
err.. using a plastic hand, (cos i ran out of hands) i dunno what i'm doing?
achieving your aim can be a step closer to achieving your end.
just a little bit more, and the bits of gravel slide past each other, creating a landslide that will send you off the edge and hurtling down into a rocky ravine that's almost always fatal.
every single time.
so i need a rope.
a rope and a be-layer.
maybe even a safety net and a helicoper with a stretcher.
but how do i rig all these safety devices?
all around me...
don't even know if the net is sturdy enough.
how old the rope is... will it hold? how much will my hands chaff?
i want to play also can play properly or not?
don't play halfway then kena tragedy can?
never hear of fun turning into fear and fatality before meh? zzz.
even the tiniest of things.
like choking on a marble and dying.
zzzz.
i speak confident words but my thoughts differ.
i waver although my resolve is rock solid.
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
how would you feel if suddenly people saw through your games,
twisted the rules to their own liking,
built a botter program, a hacking program.
to screw your perfect world.
ahhhh. arGhhh...
i just think too much, yeah.
yeah i do.
i'm just gonna take a backseat,
and conveniently ignore everything ignorable in my life.
mmm.
i'll be the horse with blinkers,
the fishing-duck with a neck ring,
the ostrich with its head in a hole,
an eagle with clipped wings,
a mouse in a trap,
a hamster in an exercise wheel,
the tides in the sea.
i'll whore for this life.
continue whoring for it until it ends.
what have i achieved?
deathbed evaluation will suffice i guess.
my blog getting too vague again cos i really dun wanna mention many things.
not for me to say.
haha.
oh ya, maybe i'll blog about the dream i had in the morning some other day.
too tired to be creative and descriptive right now.
only have mood to wax philosophical.
mmm which reminds me of lecture.
which reminds me of diagetic versus non-diagetic.
hahahahaha.
aiyah.
you win some, you lose some.
that's the rule of the game.
but the thing is, if you act like you've won all when you've actually lost,
victory on the enemy's side is all the more sweetly succulent.
mmmmm.
=)
tomorrow it's time to take my ugly mug shot at lavender.
then aimless wondering around.
maybe i'll pierce my ears.
sigh.
then study (?)
then night time go for movie and coffee.
chikaku sundeiru kara...
it's comforting.
lolz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:27:00 AM
fangirling over royston tan.
sigh sigh sigh
people are so talented.
is it more hardwork or talent?
even if i lack talent,
i'm gonna try.
sigh but i'm such a lazy person.
time to pia.
full force.
do video projects until i run dry
blood sweat tears
all to be poured out
heart and soul
e s s e n c e
if i wanna be who he is
if i want to even come close
think i can
b a r e l y
make it.
mimicry is the ultimate flattery
so many people to contend with and surpass before i can even begin to dream.
dream dream...
i haven't lost yet.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:50:00 AM
for my reference only:
collation of TV Story.
--------
Monday, January 23, 2006
2:50:00 AM
TV Story part 1
one day, a boy won some prize money for his good results. he had enough, it seemed, for a portable battery-operated television set. skipping happily to his neighborhood electrical shop, he picked out the set he wanted and paid the ahpek in crisp fifty dollar notes. it was green, and it fitted in the palm of his hand. a bit dusty and scuffed up from sitting on the shelf for so long; but he got a discount, so what the hell anyway!
it took a prime spot in his room, sitting on his table beside his computer. he undid the packing of his newly purchased double A alkaline batteries, popped it into his new gadget, and powered it up.
the pictures were bright and dazzling, he sat there and scanned through the channels; and although the miniature pictures hurt his eyes, before he knew it, the afternoon had turned into night and it was dinnertime.
click.
he switched it off and ran downstairs to eat, leaving the television sitting blankly on his cold wooden desk in his dark bedroom. it was forgotten for the night.
the next day, he brought it along for his lesson. the journey on the mrt was long and boring, so he decided to watch some cartoons. light hearted happy fun. nothing beats mindless entertainment! lesson began and ended, and he watched cartoons again on the mrt ride home. however, when he reached home, he got engrossed in a game and forgot to turn it off.
fzzt.
the batteries died.
for the next couple of days it was left forgotten, sitting darkly on his table behind a pile of books and games. the battery had begin to leak. (he bought those cheap brandless batteries) it wasn't until he was clearing his table and discovered a wet patch of a chemical spill on an old worksheet that he remembered his mini television set.
hurriedly, he cleaned it and dumped the batteries, replacing them with new ones that his mother had gotten for him.
the colors were as bright as ever, the pictures just as vivid.
it kept him entertained. but only for a while.
the television soon travelled everywhere with him, and he used it to pass the time when he was alone and bored. but as soon as his friends came or a game or a book caught his attention, the television would be cast aside once more.
many battery changes and near-alkaline-leaks later, the television set was growing tired of its life. was it merely an entertainment vehicle with no other value? the owner so detached and distant despite the constant attention during boredom?
so that very day, when the boy wanted to pass his time on the mrt before his lessons, the television stood up and chided the boy.
"no more tv for you", it said, coughing out the batteries and casting them out of the window. then, blankly, it wobbled and fell on its side.
it knocked against a stand of pens and pencils, and as the stand toppled over, it knocked the television to the edge of the table where it fell and the screen cracked.
the boy was shocked and taken aback. his television! now what would he do without a source of entertainment!?
the broken tv set lay in the trash, waiting for the refuse truck to take it to jurong. the boy had gone back to life without the tv set, and it seemed nothing had changed. he thought nothing of the tv set. he remembered nothing.
the tv set was forgotten.
it would remain forgotten forever, as it was progressively buried under trash.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
1:03:00 AM
TV Story Part 2
The TV set lay in the heap of trash, and coincidentally enough surrounding it were its brothers and sisters. The TV set felt that at least it could be incinerated / compacted at peace with its family around.
But seems that they had other plans for it.
The TV set re-con man came by, poking at the stack of unwanted TVs. "yes... no... uh huh..." he mumbled to himself, his pot bellied figure making its way towards the green mini tv set. lime green in a stack of drab grey. stood out like a sore thumb. the re-con man's attention immediately turned towards it.
poking at prodding at the mini tv set, he uttered many 'hmms' and 'mmms'. and he stuck the tv set in his trolley with the few others he had chosen. his van lay in wait nearby, its engine rumbling. huffing and puffing, the re-con man unloaded the tv sets he had taken from the heap into his van. the doors closed behind the lime green tv set, and all was darkness.
2 weeks later found the lime green tv set sitting in a shop window, looking better than new. a new tv tuner card, a new usb port and a new coat of paint, it shone. but no one bought it. everyone walked past, oohed and aahed. but nothing more.
the mini tv set was sad. did no one want it?
"20 bucks and its yours."
a familiar voice in the background. a familiar phrase.
something the re-con man said every day to people who asked about the lime green tv but never bought it.
something the lime green tv always heard that ended with "no thanks."
but today seemed different. a long silence followed. and then the rustling of money.
"i'll take it." the voice said. and it was a familiar voice.
Monday, July 17, 2006
11:25:00 AM
TV story part 3
when we last saw the tv, it was finally being bought after a long time sitting at the re-con man's shop window. a familiar voice the buyer had. and indeed, it was the tv's previous owner.
the lime green tv set was put snugly in the pocket with the ever familiar lint lining the edges and the smell of soap. the owner put his hand over his pocket the whole time to make sure the tv was safe and sound and that he wouldn't lose it again.
the lime green tv set spent many such days like that once in the care of its old turned new owner. the tv set was happy. but something nagged at its little tv brain. although much time was spent with its owner, the owner never said anything. didn't paste stickers with his name on it, didn't personalize the tv, and didn't even customize settings. needless to say, the tv's owner didn't even say the tv belonged to him.
the tv had no sense of ownership... it just went back to being a tool. a tool in a happier environment, nonetheless. and the tv constantly worried, with all the spanking new tv shops in the area, that its owner would go into one of them and set eyes on one of those snazzy sleek slim stylish widescreen televisions and forget all about the lime green tv set. maybe even worse. maybe its owner would buy a new television set home and just sell the mini one away or junk it.
now, the tv didn't want that, but it had no way to voice its opinion. it had no way to ask its owner. especially since its owner had applied for a job in one of those tv shops and would start work soon. it would soon be over wouldn't it? the tv set questioned the cloth of the pocket. i would be left alone again won't i? the tv set questioned the stitches. you never really regarded me before didn't you? the tv set questioned the palm of the hand it sat upon as it showed its owner the programs. yes it will soon be over. the tv set was resigned to its fate.
maybe i should just go get lost or just wait for another owner to come along who really treasures me, if there ever will be another... the tv set sat on the boy's desk in darkness, pondering for a long time before sleep could finally take over...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
12:40:00 PM
TV story part 4
the tv finally figured it out.
it short circuited itself so the boy had to place it upon his shelf as a memory because it couldn't work anymore.
and that is how the story ends.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
4:46:00 PM
Epilogue - TV Story
the empty memory of the lime green tv set haunted the boy even as the last wisps of conscious memory faded from his mind, and the dust hung thick on the tv set, clotting lime green into grey.
he could not shake it off.
something was bothering him but he didn't know. something was eating and eating at him. with invisible jaws and an unknown face. a rank odor that stained his thoughts. haunted.
he never knew until he dusted his shelf.
he never knew until the cobwebs fell from a squarish object,
until the lime green peeked through and glinted at him with the sun from the window.
then he remembered every single thing.
every single memory.
every single detail.
haunted he was no more.
he took the tv set easily.
time had passed,
he had grown taller.
it fit even more snugly into his grown hands.
but then he remembered it was spoilt.
he wore a shirt, too small for him now, but the shirt with the familiar pocket that the tv set always rode in. just like old times. the buttons strained but held.
he had a new 40 inch lcd television in his house but suddenly it didn't matter.
he walked slowly down the familiar path to the old curio shop where he re-bought the lime green tv set.
he walked. slowly.
and the evening sun crept away from him.
he walked. slowly.
and never noticed the lime green was spreading.
spreading from his pocket, around his waist, creeping up his neck, pouring down his legs..
he walked. and he reached the curio shop.
the door was open, but the old man had gone out to buy dinner. maybe he forgot to lock the shop. maybe it had been locked. who knows.
the last bit of green swallowed his head just as he passed by the shelf of the store window. there was a small space there, it had been the space where the lime green tv set had sat, waiting for him.
it was empty.
and then suddenly it was not.
a new lime green tv set sat in the spot, just as the old man came back to unlock the now locked door, and a girl skipped happily away round the corner of the block.
she wore a shirt a bit too big for her, and a lime green sash trailed around the hip of her jeans.
---end---
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:42:00 AM
ROAR!
i hate hate hate drawing storyboards.
(&%^*$%&##$#@^#
cos i cannot draw LoL.
sometimes the angle super funny.
i drew a wide shot actually camera is at eye level but the angle i drew it at, because i cannot draw properly, looks like from extreme high angle. LOL.
even my tutor ask me why look like that =X
i said i cannot draw X_X
my perspective sux.
just drew out a 25 shot storyboard on the latest video exercise assignment.
think if we shoot this, sure can pukez.
=x haha
aiyah I HATE DRAWING
wish i could improve then won't feel so pek chek and take so fricking long to draw one storyboard. hahaha. i can see in my head but very hard to reproduce out ._.
eh.. does anyone have the same problem? haha. even for music it's like that. and my thoughts also. thinking about it makes a lot of sense, but once i say out or draw out or sing out, becomes crap.
ie: talk nonsense and confuse myself only, draw ugly stick figures with wrong perspective and don't even know how to draw sometimes, or hum tune also hum wrong.. different from that in my head
wish i could record my imagination on DV tape.
hahahaha.
zzzzzz.
last day of the first 7th month.
tml also burning again cos 1st day of 2nd 7th month.
._."
blehhhhh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:27:00 AM
feel empowered!
even a book lost in time but stuck in memory can be recalled!
i googled whatever little i could recall and BAM! the title, author, book review etc etc came back to me immediately.
wow *_*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:32:00 PM
i wonder, where does your consciousness reside?
is it between the spaces of being awake and asleep?
like an ooze that moves in to fill the cracks so that nothing jarrs, nothing jams?
had weird dreams today while oversleeping.
which made me late for class as usual.
----
i was with my sis. we were walking through this whole maze of shops. seemed like chinatown + bugis village + heeren + far east. yet didn't seem like singapore.
images of this computer graphic driven generator up in space kept appearing in my head. i forgot what it means, but it meant something in the dream. it looked like a model for some kind of spaceship.
we walked around. so many toy shops around. can't remember the names now, but they were splashed across the shop in big bright bold lettering. so inviting, those shops were. had to resist the urge to go in and have a look.
instead went to some weird fishing shop. i have no idea either. we bought some stuff for fish, but we have no fish. we don't go fishing, we don't keep fish.. haha weird.
kept walking around then saw some boys in uniform having spitting competitions. forgot the goal of the contest already. spit furthest? thickest spit? most yucky and mucus-y spit? aim people? also cannot remember.
anyway they tried to spit at our shoes as we went past. ew. narrowly missed though. yucks man and heng. naturally i got pissed off and nearly picked a fight with them. think around there, mom woke me up and my dream sequence shifted....
yishun.
i was dressed in my secondary sch uniform. chijtp pinafore.
i went to this particular building to look for someone.
there was a chair outside his flat.
i sat there for the most part of the day, reading a book i had brought along.
before i knew it, i was engrossed in the book.
suddenly, i instinctively looked up.
i saw him at the far end of the corridor, talking to his grandma who was sitting there in a foldable chair similar to mine also.
panic.
what if he saw me?
i quickly got up and ran off, i took the stairs.
down down down i ran. 5 flights of stairs.
stairway reminded me of JCS stairs.
dark. dingy. winding. easily making people lost.
i hightailed it from his house, past the garden where people went to jog, to the empty bus interchange. (landmarks of course wrong places in my dream)
people were there giving out flyers and holding signs with the different university names written on them.
of course by then, it was already 815am and i was gonna be super late for my 930am lesson with video review. oh shit.
so i woke up.
---
funny, today i was buying teh gao neng bao for me and my mom from the hawker center downstairs on my way back when i heard a familiar hokkien song on the stallholder's radio.
"...ji ba ban~~~"
hahaha i recognized a hokkien song -_-
it's the 'yi bai wan' or 'one million' song that gt sent me long ago.
no wonder i found it so familiar hahaha.
tmd lolz of all things, i can recognize a hokkien song on the radio.
faint. lolz.
kaes very sleepy now.
bbais all.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:48:00 AM
quite sleepy now, but i have no school tomorrow, so i guess i'll blog to waste the time away. actually sat down with blank pieces of paper and came up with 4 slipshod ideas for the next video project. not bad not bad.
didn't do much today i guess. except for the usual routine, one of which now includes chatting on the phone. *ahem* once you start, you can't stop eh. mmm.
surprisingly, video exercise 1 did rather well. a B for it. on par with sam's group. quite happy. but dunno how the other groups did or will do. guess now B is the yardstick, unless some group got a B+ or A- or A or A+? haha. anyway all ganbatte ya? ^^ my storyboard got B-... horrible at telling stories and drawing but clear enough i guess. not too bad. i expected worse. haha.
tut ended earlier than expected. had a long lunch, rolled eyes, smirked at my private joke, laughed for real and chilled. then decided to watch some past year FYPs. Grey is really damn good. really a short film in its own right, and not some final year proj. actually i can't wait to watch last year's fyps, although i'm still guilty about one of them. gotta wait for them to be on loan. mmm.
after film studies tut and media mgmt tut, i zaoed home. 301 tut wasn't so bad actually. our group is quite cohesive. me like. anyway should roughly work with somewhat the same people for the actual 301 proj. zzz next week need proposal le. haven't even formed a group yet. Z_Z
no mood to talk during journey home. ya i know i'm antisocial but that's just me, Miss Hard-To-Warm-Up-To-People. guess it's alright. hahaha.
well, stoning time and then a phonecall. gt on his way home. horrible mrt disturbance and bad reception. got cut off after awhile.
idling my time away on the internet, as well as chatting on msn and looking at the companies i can intern at for PI. i'm still undecided and i don't know how. =( need advice please!
this is what happens when you have too many options. zzz.
hmm. as usual got back on the phone again... warming up the phonelines....
aiyah i really wonder sometimes. i really wonder.
last time so adamant about not talking on the phone, but now it's nearly a routine.
should i even try to adhere to your standards or should i chuck you aside like i have done before? but i can't bring myself to. because you are my good friend. it has been established. this greater bond supercedes the fact that you're a guy. and the best thing is, i cannot even remember if i like you still. lol? feeling pretty constant these days, no jumpy feelings like long past.
oh well.
i'm more mature now and i can wait.
maybe i'm a late-bloomer, but i feel indifferent towards many things now.
wanna be more work-oriented.
wanna focus more on year3.
important year.
building the foundation for final year,
building up contacts and relations,
my grades weigh more on my percentages.
21 and 3rd year.
how apt.
dith have you finally started to wake up?
now force yourself to get out of bed.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:58:00 AM
Abraham Maslow would be turning in his grave in the knowledge that I am about to butcher his theory of the Hierarchy of Needs.
Here's a graphic that would perhaps serve as a refresher or introductory material in reference to what I am about to touch on.
Actually, I assume everyone knows this pyramid like the back of your hand, just like the food pyramid we were introduced to in Health-Ed in primary school.
I know many of us are unhappy. We are a bunch of depressed, world-weary, downtrodden sods who feel like the world is against us in every way.
We complain of neverending work, having too little money to buy what we desire, of not enough sleep, not enough ability to accomplish something, etc etc.
Apparently, only 2% of the world's population fulfil all their needs, as stated on the pyramid. But guess what? Of course, they aren't satisfied still. But the point is, only 2% or so actually get to the top; of needing to satisfy their self-actualization goals - of becoming who they want to be eventually.
Aren't many of us complain kings or queens high up on the pyramid already? We have sufficient nourishment, we're safe and secure, we have our circle of friends, we have at least sufficient self-esteem, although some would have more, and some would have less. Many of us are already on the self-actualization route.
We should consider ourselves lucky. Very fulfiled. Contented enough. Happy.
Imagine those who cannot even satisfy the most basic layer. That of nourishment. Safety has not even come into the picture yet. What more having a social life or self-esteem or self-actualization?
Actually we should take a look at ourselves and consider how lucky we are. No matter how down or fucked up we feel, there will be at least more than half of the world's population having a fate worse than yours.
Especially since this is Singapore we are talking about.
High standards of safety, high standards of living, average income is about $4k.. Even if your income were $1k or less, most probably you still have a roof over your head, you have food, you have friends, you've at least gone to some school.
Ho hum.
Well, I'd still keep complaining about my life and lamenting how bad it is.
Not because I don't realise how fortunate I am,
but because it's one of Singapore's most endeared pasttimes.
Guess you can't change anything huh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:13:00 PM
aiyah dammit. i really feel like letting my hair down and dancing away to groovy music. like really really bad. i guess the closest to it would be Poptart, but you have all the disgusting smoke. gawd, save my lungs pl0x! and then you have the taxi fare to contend with, PLUS surcharge cos it's waaaay past midnight yet a few hours from dawn =(
second best would be ddr i guess. but quite sian. you need to pay attention to the steps else lose. and audition, you see the nice dancing but use finger press press keyboard. so cheapo. eh audition fans, let's put down the choreography in real dance moves by saving a video of a person who hits all the moves and try them out ourselves. of course, modifying the finishing moves and the breakdancing because there is no way i can spin on my head. hahahaha! butt too heavy!!!!!!
really wanna dance.
if i danced regularly i think can jian fei and keep my weight down. but in the first place, i am too paiseh to dance because of my weight. what paradox is that la. if i am stuck forever in this mentality, there is no way i can get out of the neverending loop what. zzzz.
still waiting for my pay. i wanna cut hair, maybe dye it, do treatment and relax it? hmm dunno. not rebond, i like the waves, but not the qiao. i wanna buy my Topman/77 street cap, i wanna buy more accessories, including a thumb ring to replace the one i lost =( wanna buy more funky clothes and i need more pants. like. seriOusly. and i need to pay my uni fees. and i wanna erm. i dunno larh. i dreamt about it this morning. but i can't seem to dare to do it? i wanna pierce my stupid ears. >_< but very scared. zzzz.
wanna become a chiobu.
i mean i think my looks are not bad =X
but confirmed can be enhanced by many many times.
that's a fact.
hair - cfm can make nicer if got $
body - cfm if slim down sure look nice if got motivation
clothes - cfm can buy nice clothes if got $
makeup - optional but i'm sure if i use will enhance looks
other superficial things like double eyelid or manicure all that also optional, but if have surely enhances looks even more.
but i dunnid so many enhancements.
the natural ones can le.
face is ok, complexion is ok.
just body, clothes, hair.
i think my character also ok.
voice also yue er dong ting (LOL!)
erm also got assets =X
lalala.
see when i got mood then i do something about myself bahs.
if successful i surely can take all the revenge i wanna take. and havoc all i wanna havoc.
=)
but i'm a good girl
(PUKEZ)
so, leaving that till later.
now main goal is studies and being occassionally playful
heh.
maybe take dancing lessons in the near future.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:35:00 PM
actually wanted to blog about something else, but while the blogger page was loading, some ass msned me with a greeting of 'hi orange fatball'. eh wtf of a greeting is that?
aiyah. after attempting to help out someone, i am now super pek chek with myself because my attempts were weak. ya anyway sort of lost my mood to blog haiz.
realised my new group of friends, the first of whom was gt, and then i got to know more of his friends.. they're so hardworking and kiasu-ated it scares me. but it's good. today i met gt and yw at amk lib and i actually read 3 chapters of the 301 book. -_-? actually the chapters are super short. i finished in 2hrs. blehs.
good but scary influences.
GOSH WHY IS EVERYONE SO KIASU-ATED?!?!?!
i also panic le. HAHAHAHA. wtf
nth much to talk about for today.
hot day, study day, ate at mos burger, etc.
not in a particularly sociable mood also.
not in a bad mood, yet not in a good mood.
at least i got to sleep for 8-10 hours.
come tomorrow, and it will be halved again. blah.
actually i dunno what i'm doing anymore and i don't know what i want anymore. living the life of a wanderer again. but i suppose it's good? good in the sense that i can switch off. but quite lost also. not going in any particular direction. even my dreams, i can confuse them with my real life experiences. my life is just as messy as my dreams are. sometimes really dunno whether some things i do are in a dream or what. names, places, faces, objects, memories... all merged into a single hodgepodge of memory, with no differentiation between the imagined and the real. mayouchatta saa. demo, daijyoubu kana...
raishuu lavender e itte, pasupo-to shashin o toranakereba naranai na. jlpt san kyuu no tame ni da kara saa.
I NEED A GAME TO PLAY
AND IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE A COMPUTER GAME.
i don't mind playing the SIMS, real life version.
mmmm.
need entertainment x_X
and excitement X_x
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:36:00 PM
830am - was hurtling down the PIE in dad's cab. actually i was half-dazed and half-asleep while he drove. ended up fifteen min late for the proj meeting but it was okay anyway because i wasn't the latest and the room wasn't even open yet.
9am - saw us editing our video. our labor of love. sigh sigh. after some color correction, we had to go for the saturday lesson on tracking and media logging software. the tracks were quite fun. haha. can film mtv-esque stuff and follow people around while they walk without weird jerky movements. not 100% smooth but it's cool. cobra tracks. pump air inside. but the air thing is scary. heard it popped someone's eye before. gross. i am never gonna be the one pumping the air if i have to use those tracks next time for my fyp. hahaha. and booyAh. oliver didn't even turn up. z_z sad case. only half the class and two technicians.
12nn - we trooped back to the editing suite. poor us. hahah. but we're quite zai. last to shoot but first to edit i guess? hehe. eh quite bad cos we're sort of 'illegal' but hmm gives us tons of exposure to avid, which is good for us. i'm quite ok with avid already. basic more or less agar know, some options hard to find and dunno what they're for but hmm... blehs. well let's just say we can do simple video editing on it already larhs.
12nn - 5pm
what else? edited whole way through and skipped lunch. bahhh. random problems here and there but heY~ we are 90% done i hope? gosh siaoness.
in between got random calls and smses. dunno why when my phone low batt, people like to call and/or sms me. @_@
of course there was yw who smsed me to laugh at me as usual, first thing in the morning. T_T then you have the usual suspect gt who was bored and feeling out of sorts @_@ den T also called cos i smsed this morning asking if he was going for the MM film forum at nyjc. rh also smsed cos he was bored but i didn't entertain him at all cos i was quite busy.
yar and the room has like weird reception. sometimes no reception at all, sometimes have around 3 bars. maybe it's also cos ntu is like at the far corner of singapore, tucked into its own ulu-ated area hahaha. so signals very hard to travel and always get lost =X
so if i dun reply ur sms or seems like cannot call thru my phone, maybe i'm editing video inside >_<
actually, i feel like that little switch on the dv tape deck. the one that lets you toggle between Remote and Local. i feel like i'm on local mode, controlling people remotely. feels very shiok. yet i do switch to remote sometimes and get controlled or lost in the current without thinking too much.
gt called me a couple of times. break record sia. he was too darn bored at his smu convocation thingy. haha Sark Moneh University. they go special sem also must pay $600 to $700 bucks one. siaO boh? and NTU is free. and it's like so li suo dang ran to me lor? haha wtf?
sark moneh uni wan to build more money making shops in their underground 'shopping complex' ar? make a new citylink there. zzzzz. not enuf money le meh?
actually supposed to meet mu today but haiz. she flu-ing den i editing, so didn't meet. zannen datta T__T futari de tpy ni sundara, dekakerarenai. T__T
we're quite zai man. who said gals can't edit videos? can ok. ^_^ zao-ed to JP for dinnah. actually the western stall at banquet is nice but the portion i feel is rather big but quite worth it. i eat until wan to explode. maybe cos i skipped lunch also. haiz. den kena indigestion ._." ouch...
on the mrt ride home trying to tahan my indigestion so had to go to slp. in the end slp until nearly collapse horizontally on the seat beside me. forgot if got ppl sitting there or not. maybe no one wants to sit beside me? HAHAHA cos when i slp i go all over the place. it's a sight to behold i guess. hAHAHaa. i hope i dun snore.......
just now chatted on phone for 3hr6min29s. i just charged my phone fully. ended up left half batt after that. actually quite zai my phone batt. hahahaha can tahan so long... just like the owner!!!!!!! but tmd the vibration died le.
when i was in the foodcourt, gt called me again. vibration died and it was silent mode but i happened to just check my hp and saw him calling so i answered it. o_O telepathy? HAHAHAHA. alamak he called AFTER i ordered my food. else i will pia to yishun to makan with him. i think wld have been better also. maybe could have avoided my indigestion haiz.
very shagged now but don't feel like sleeping just yet. drank a hot cup of teh tarik. feeling very hot and sticky now. blehs. but kinda drowsy also. ahaha nearing my bedtime of 2am. whee~
topic of discussion today is of power and authority. the psychology of it.
it's not about what your job is, or what's your rank in a company. it's not about employer-employee thing. those i feel, are clearcut, static roles, where you more or less know where the power lies. no no.. what i'm getting to is about between peers. nothing about your elders, nothing about your juniors. more of like between 'equals'. why the aphostrophes? cos although equal in name, but not equal in power.
simple scenario.
some people just act concerned and sympathizing because by figuratively 'patting the other on the shoulder' and 'offering a shoulder to lean on' they portray themselves as the stronger one. there is power and authority in strength.
it makes them feel good.
suspects? those acquaintances. though not everyone is like that la. or some just do it unconsciously. i'm just trying to illustrate.
another scenario.
you're struggling with something and suddenly someone steps in and offers help, making you very indebted to him or her. matter of power and with it comes the superiority and those good feelings of pride associated with it.
of course, take my case scenarios with a pinch of salt. really just from the top of my head and not everyone is like that. some people just wanna help or be there for you because they really do care and it's not about improving their own self concept... well not really. HAHAHAHA.
actually i think i have a very bad streak running within me. feel if a person leans too much on me and tells me a lot of things and i'm close to this person.. i can actually keep track of the person's motions (i only very bad to guys, so don't worry, my gal friends XD) and contact with other people and even influence his thoughts and actions...? well not sure about that. but it does feel i do have an influence. do i also have some power in that sense?
haha maybe i shouldn't write about these bad things about myself, later no guy wanna be my friend wahahhaa. X_X actually, are these self-psychoanalyses? because if i like doing such, should i be a psychologist in the future? a psychoanalyst? hahaha.
well anyway, i like this control. feels good you know, to have some power. i guess i like playing many games. one of them is the power game. see how much i can do, how far i can go, to test my power, test my limits, test my strength. life is short. it's just a game. the extended version of the game of Life. hahaha. can span as long as a hundred years or more. and you're the last one standing on the empty board. with your dice in one hand and your cards in the other, hoping your trump cards will bring you something nice.
still feel guys are weird creatures.
but i'm beginning to understand more and more, kinda like that computer software you master more and more each time you play on it.
ack, my body still aching..... very sleepy now...
maybe i blog tomorrow.
nightz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:18:00 AM
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:51:00 PM
really quite unhappy now. not only with myself but with someone. well anyway i guess the unhappiness with myself outweighs that of other people, because people are inherently self-centered and our troubles come before others' unless of course, we are trying to avoid our own troubles.
first things first. i am a lousy cameraperson. i know i shouldn't say that because i lack the experience with the big camera, but still, it takes a huge chunk out of my confidence and totally saps me dry. argh. feel damn useless today. fuck.
not much help in the editing suite either, just to make noise. argh!!! zzzz. i go bang wall die suan le. shd be in cr, shd be in cr.
aiyah. and i cannot stand people bitching about other people. especially if the people whom they bitch about are your good friends. like wtf? not even an ounce of tact when you bitch. you can don't say names right? and you should know she's my friend yet you say such bad things about her in front of my face?
yes, i know you have this anal need to be right all the time and argue your case until you are right. but please lah, people don't perform up to your standard doesn't mean they deserve all that crap right? yeah i know uni life is cruel and everyone for themselves. but excUse me LAH.
ya in front of you i put on my mask.
don't even know why i bother.
guess i have a reputation to uphold in sch. gotta be this nice mild soft person. well, whatever. with my physical constraints, that is who i am to almost anyone anyway. put up with shit also can. hardly get angry in real life. even if i do, i don't show it. if you make me angry and you see it on my face and if i do erupt in front of you, please go buy 4D or Toto, cos if that happens then you are really really lucky or you have just made me super super angry.
and another thing. accidentally dao-ed yw because i was in the avid suite and no reception. i feel bad but i know it's not my fault, but i still feel bad.
tomorrow got class. 830am.
it's ok i guess.
oh ya, today was v thankful for the lift home. thx huimin!
haha she is one person i'll feel super indebted to for the next 2 years in CS i guess. hahaha. aiyoh. it's just the small things i guess. somemore can exchange rants about feeling lousy abt being bad DoPs. hahahahaha-sighhhh.
hmm. time to vent on my poor ddr mat. ciaoz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:28:00 PM
actually i was quite happy when i leveled to lv7 in audition the night before. and passed the license quite well. i really like the New York song now. haha.
today was tiring but still quite ok. was quite touched when huimin offered me a pau. =O it's the little things that make you not so tired bahs. 325 is quite gross. but in the middle of it i went to canA to sign up for siggraph. actually i can't stand people who are too bhb. too full of themselves when actually they're just full of shit. bullshit. the poo is piled on top of their heads. pooheads.
ya anyway, was falling asleep in 323 as usual. not say it's boring or what, but my tolerance level was at its limit. oh ya around noontime ah gong smsed me like he said he would with a big "LOL" there. grossss. sms just to laugh at me.
>_<
haha but it's funny. entertaining.
battleship potemkin was interesting. nice silent b&w film. don't see why people thought it was boring. and yeah like prof chua said, it was indeed better than Meepok man. oops hahaha! too bad Mr khoo. can't appreciate rich boy's movies about working class lives when they're not even close to reality.
try living in a one room while trying to earn your living selling peanuts.
maybe then you'd understand.
ya anyway i drank kopi and ate a snickers bar. so happy. snickers!!! been 3 yrs since i've eaten one or longer. wrote many notes on the symbolism in the movie. haha. dunno why academics like to use chim words to talk about simple concepts anyway. can't even remember the term we learnt today zzz.
after that i zao-ed home. saw J at the bus stop and saw him in the bus but chose to ignore him. but he sat down beside me in the mrt. J i find you irksome yet fun to bully online. it's just you i suppose. HAHAHA. just can't stand the way you carry yourself. =)
reached home.. earlier than expected. found ah gong in a bad mood.
actually i'm in a knn mood now also, having just found out i have class this sat 10-12 which means i need to forgo my moving minds forum FUCK? fuck fuck fuck.
ok i'm gonna email AFA and say i can't go le.
fucking hell.
tomorrow's the vid shoot and edit.
hope we do well...
*crosses fingers*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:39:00 PM
i'm just a playful gal at heart.
although i have no right to be, but this is who i am. but because i have no right to be, and i often see this truth and deny myself the right, i also am a quiet and antisocial introverted gal.
in my mind, it is only those chio and slim gals who deserve the right to be playful, to wear nice clothes, to flirt, to have fun.
me? no fun for me. denied. because i am fat. and ugly. fat and ugly people shouldn't be allowed the same rights because we if we do so, it's er xin. yeah.
and if you talk about social facilitation and social inhibition, i guess if there's no one watching, i have more fun and feel happier. but if the people watching are all my friends, well, we'd all have fun.
hmm. so what's my main point?
i'm just back in low self esteem mode again. feel i am worthless and useless as usual. ugly, fat, unwanted, incapable... zzz. cover my eyes with my hair, look at the floor. that's what i do best.
shouldn't even attempt to 'play' with someone i don't even like that way. might be fun though. see how. it's more of liking the emotions that come with playing rather than the plaything itself. well guys should know what i mean because they do it a lot.
i once had a toy. i tried playing with it because i liked playing with it. but then i got too emotionally attached to it. i have other playthings now, but i still like that one best. unfortunately it's not fun to play with because in the end i'm the one playing with myself and hurting myself on my plaything. the new plaything? just to occupy my time. bottomline: don't play with your food. and don't make friends with your toys. they're. just. toys.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:30:00 AM
muahahahahahha.
might not be a bad thing after all
HAHA.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:10:00 PM
haha. rejection. can you handle it? can you take it?
maybe i'm the sort of 'aftershock' person, the kind where something happens and then much later after much reflection you feel the effect.
it's not good to hold it in for too long.
the aftershock hits the hardest.
it knows where hurts the most and targets it.
locked and loaded.
aim and fire.
and that is how it ends.
well, i'm leaning more towards 'i don't give a shit' and 'haiz'.
of course, seeing that i'm a pessimist, i naturally think it's me.
am i too ugly? too filthy? too smelly? too fat?
can't even afford me a hug?
or are you shy? kou shi xin fei (dunno if i used it correctly)? or waD?
whatever man.
actually i don't really care.
don't even feel much, but holding on for the sake of holding on, and cos there's no other target in sight.
i like familarity, yes.
but i also like the new.
new is exciting, new is thrilling.
smsing her for a span of 2 days...
seem to enjoy it..
future sms buddy
future coursemate
future gf?
wish you all the best
i'm outta here.
outta sight, outta mind.
damn sian. forgot to bring water bottle today.
my throat feels like fuck.
i've not enough sleep.
heaty like fuck.
coughing for more than a month also.
but at least i caught The Lake House, and it was not bad.
and now it's time to earn Den for my green windy hair in Audition.
sianz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:31:00 PM
was abt to slp when kelv called me and he sounded very jialat.
and now it's 1hr44min past my bedtime...
panda time.....
perma-panda.
#_#
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:10:00 AM
yeah man! i was damn tired today again. lessons as per normal. lectures, friends, proj discussions, makan, jap class, sleep in mrt...
disgusting laaa my sleeping in mrt habit. cannot control one. today i slept on an old man's shoulder and then a gal's shoulder. hAIZ!! i din mean to! LoL. really very tired. headache and felt sick. =(
i think i'm not well la, but i feel fine enough to not declare myself sick. sianz.
today i was super early for jap class. loitering around then gt smsed mi haha. then he called me! =O so we chatted for like 20min. i was like standing in the middle of the street chatting on the phone. =X look like dumbdumb but nvm.
wonders will nv cease. hehe.
made my day. hahaha.
yeah now i have other things on my evil agenda with other ppl.
muahaha tataz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:12:00 PM
sian diao.
330am le. only max 4hrs to sleep.
ok let this be a short entry.
today slept like a pig until phone flooded with smses then i only realised until 5pm. ahhh gt msged me as usual telling me to 'Hmm wakey =x" at 230pm. but i didn't know larrr. haha.
aiyah sometimes i reli dunno what our rship is although i clarified it with him le. i say i'm ok with it but sometimes i still want something more. maybe i'm siao la or despo. or something. but ahhhhhhh blehz.
yar anyway nowadays want to blog also nothing to blog. at most give a narrative of events la. and brief summary of thoughts.
played audition with him from 6pm to dunno what time then he left and i played until nearly 10pm. tmd no work done for me again. wasteddddddd la. zzzzz. at this rate i dunno how i'm gonna do work. so addicted to audition and i keep playing although i don't seem to be improving -_-
finally took level 6 license today. cannot enter noob server le WaAaa~! sianz cannot disturb noobs and play yasashii songs hahaha kantan desu yo. but not reli la cos got many pro noobs. zzzzz. anyway i have 1541 den to earn for my green hair. haiz tanoshimi ni suru~
aiyah then chatted awhile on msn, went back to play with benben. he's good la at rhythm but pressing arrows not so good cos lack experience but not as blur as me. sianz. why everyone so gd de?!?!
i should quit playing something i know i will continue to suck at for the rest of my life -.- even if i played it 24/7 for the rest of my life. LOL.
anyway i finished my storyboard (ARGH I HATE DRAWING LAH) and my jap compo (haven't copy out nicely).. zzzzz. tml meeting at 930 to discuss 322 vid ex. 1 and then meeting J to discuss 325 proj. i hope tue i can meet gt to watch movie. but showtimes for lakehouse not favorable haiz unless we meet at yishun as usual haha. think better for him ba cos his leg still not 100%. he said walk too much v xinku.
aiyah i gone case le.
shd stop thinking abt rubbish.
time to brush teeth and sleep before it's too late.
night people.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:26:00 AM
finally my rest day came and gone.
cos i slept most of it away.
played audition ytd until 730am. craziness when i was already dying from super lack of sleep. i woke up at 630am that morning leh. zzzz. 25 hrs awake. gonna kill me soon. coughing and throat hurts. cos of the food i've been eating and not taking care of myself and still coughing after a month. blehs.
attended the film forum. so cool i got to see royston tan in the flesh. ahh my ou xiang. and then the boss of the production house i'm working for recognized me o_o eh and he only saw me once. o_O wow. hahaha. then met 3 other cool producers in the industry. so cool rubbing shoulders with industry players but also quite scary. LOL intimidated dunno wad to say or do. lala.
then i made friends with 2 CS juniors. haha they're nice guys. and quite cool too. =X ahem. LOL! i know someone is a bit jealous. HAHAHA. nvm there's next week =X
met cyn after the thing at city hall to get some stuff. and i really needed to go toilet. HAHA. ya then went to yck for grace's party =D nice party very homely feel. i like. hahaha. very dead tired. crawled back home. but auditioned until 730am wtf.
hmm.
my sleeping on the mrt is very unglam.
mouth open and headbanging lol.
one day i will sleep on someone.....
and droool.....
X_X
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 5:41:00 PM
shag si wo le.
morning woke up 7am and had delifrance buffet breakfast with sharon, just the two of us.. so romantic! haha. it's good! but our stomach capacity damn low lar. sianz. and i had 2 cups of tea.
settled for Adam's Appples 1045am show although missed the first few minutes but it was a damn good show. love black comedy. catch it people, shiok si wo le!
down to hmv where we went gaga over the offer movie vcds. wtf. my wares are now with sharon btw. chengz met up with us with stories abt a weird stalker and stuff. btw while we were walking around this weirdo walking with arms outstretched nearly hugged/slapped sharon's face. nutcase. shd have just stabbed his crotch AFTER giving him an erection. EwWwww. haha.
did some shopping around. chengz bought her man (yes, man!) a polo tee from topman then went to meet him. me and sharon like 2 zombies then had another cup of tea (my 3rd)... waaaaaaaaaaaa raoz. haha.
then i went off to meet grace n pt to go for cyn's bdae party. haha i keep missing transport and keep being late. sianz. ya party was fun. see her tio sia suay and suan a lot so funny. lolz.
didn't go for poptart cos huimin not going cos she unwell (rest well babe!) and i also very tired until ....... so no poptart for us tonight. am thankful.
tomorrow morning got the forum thingy. then loiter. then grace's partehhh. another bdae bash. hahaa bish bash bish bash mish mash. sure come home shag like fuck and sleep like a baby. sunday too!
i want my pay. i wanna buy a pullover and a cap and accessories amongst other things.
T_T
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:50:00 AM
faint. ytd slept at 3am. den today had lesson 930am which means like 5 hours of sleep? oh wells. at least i shd b thankful my dad sends mi to sch.
anyway i like multimedia theory n dev.. not bad can learn after effects. mmm. haha pairing with J for the proj. dunno if it's a gd or bad thing =X
hung out with huimin for the 3hr break. haha... managed to tide thru it.
very very tired during film studies class although it's an interesting class. had to chug down a kopi from the vending machine. and yea, it worked! watched mee pok man also. haha. ok la. eric khoo still not my kind of director but this film was twisted so i liked it in a sense.
i'm v tired but i can still sort of socialize i guess.
at least i can still speak coherently. but all the stupid things come out den make me look stupid nia. but nvm la. HAHAHA. as long as i know i'm not stupid can liao. =)
ho hum then had film making workshop. nice nice nice. got to know more about indie films and shoe string budgets and other constraints and problems yet some perks. whee.
then tmd shag but heng dad drove me home.
tml meeting sharon for delifrance breakfast buffet. waahhaha tmd early i gonna be super panda.
chatting to yw on msn now.
faint he's not v nice to chat to on msn.
i mean, chatting style n speed is good, but some stuff he says i reli a bit bth..
well my policy is can click need to click in 2 aspects:
in real life and online.
i'm very strict for guys esp.
HAHAHA
yawn.
sleep soon.
think i shall wrap up msning and go play audition.
----
btw i forgot to add the main highlights of the day. wtf sia my memory.
i managed to get my 3 day week! so happy~ =)
but i also lost my haematite thumb ring haiz. =(
ok that's all folks. =E
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:18:00 AM
XD iie hope u like it
Kekeke yupz
hah. reli or not reli?
blehz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:58:00 AM
easily contactable by handphone.
kthxbai.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:47:00 AM
what will they think of next man...
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related links:
the blog
video
bo liao.
the things ppl do to get ppl to sit up and take notice.
and for money too.
bahhh. ppl in PPC.. this is ur future. watch out. bleh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:35:00 AM
9th august.. so many ppl share the same bdae as the nation lolz. my fren said it's because december is nice and cooling to encourage copulation? haha. diao~ gt's bdae today.. old old le.
today had to go back sch for the knn lesson.
but it wasn't knn la. i enjoyed it.
=)
finally can put a face to the name that called me asking abt swapping tutorials and he's in my grp. lolz. and he managed to swap ^_^
hmm after tut we discussed proj (LOL so fast hor -_-) den i met kamling to go photocopy stuff n collect grace's book and den went popular to look look den i went back cs and took bus to JP. hmm collected the stuff den went looking for the newly shifted library. wa biang.. far. LoL. that time already 230+ le den i took mrt..
eh quite paiseh cos v long time nv go ppl's house oso but in the end i stayed at bdae boy's house till 1030pm. haha. met his much-talked about fren, yw. den my first words were like 'hello.. i heard a lot abt u. haha'
WAHAHHAA.
ya den gt's cousin also went to his house. wa like mini gathering. but nv talk to his cousin oso. den his parents came home not to mention his grandma already in the house. haha but ok la. mmm. and i saw his knee! swollen knee~~ his cousin said 'u got fat'. hahaa!!! but reli one knee big one knee small haha. was watching his fren yw play ps2 the whole day. fatal frame zomg LOL i can't believe i go watch but it's not scary. if i can take it, i think it's not scary. but i'm also not the one playing it ma!! controller will vibrate de.. heng i not playing LOL. den sound also turned quite low. so not scary and we keep laughing at the ghosts in the game. and nice atmosphere so i not scared oso. they oso laff at me when i was scared. HAHA toopid.
i passed him his present.. dunno if he's opened it yet. maybe tml he'll open it. mmm. oH today i went his house den i saw a white cat with brown and black spots sitting outside leaning against his house wall the outside there under his room window.. just sitting thr like v shuang. O_O and i heard from yw it's not the first time a cat was spotted thr. last time got a black cat. wAAAAAAaa harem sia. HAHAHA. den gt said ya lor, he attract dem de pengz. his fren yw v funny altho he from hcjc i can click with him. haha chatted yi da dui on the walk back to the mrt.
dat means i made another fren!
(i think)
HAHA. ok lar damn tired.
reached home 11pm or so lor.
really missing out on nights of gaming and msn but that's alright because i'd rather be outside with frens than stuck at home. although i love my comp and i love chatting and i like gaming.. now not so much love of gaming le cos a bit sian haiz.
got storyboard to do over the holiday..
got fireworks to watch!!!!
=))
thurs super packed n bz.
fri equally so.
sat not sure yet about morning but evening got hurhurhur some impt event on HAHAHA!!
sunday is time to slp in long long.
monday back to the grind FULL TIME.
wah SIaN.
sian but happy la.
=)
headache but happy also la.
XD
tired but happy~
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:21:00 AM
quickie post here cos my sis needs the comp for ipw in a bit.
today transpired the first day of year3. i am now officially a senior with a division. gosh i feel so.. not old.. advanced? bleh.
i slept for a total of 3hrs. had a dream where i was swimming in a country of ice and the water literally froze me. everytime i froze, i had to restart and swim again. but the water just kept getting colder and colder and i froze faster and faster each time. in games like these, cheat codes are needed.
and then i was in an underwater tunnel/maze, where i only had a straw for my emergency needs. really felt like i was choking and drowning and suffocating in the dream and i was gasping for air a lot. haiz.
indeed, i woke up at 730am gasping for breath and heard there was one sms received. zzz. fitful dozing till 830am when i finally woke up and went to sch. damn fucked up la, this week no tut and i was all-prepared for tue to be free but NOOO i have a class tomorrow. video 1. z_z haiz. oh wells. i can at least carry out half my plans?
ya sch today.. i was actually anticipating it. 322 lect was ok. at least ian's humor is more familiar than andrew's for 301. z_z but i have a proj pending already like wtf. so fast i wan to die le. no mood to do work haiz. ok after that went to the cca fair to walk around. i think i'm gonna join the siggraph cca la. got 'zi ji ren' inside. CS yr 2s. haha quite nice ppl.
good thing peiting and grace had a 5min lecture so my break wasn't spent alone. i saw junjie also haha. the only my-age guy freshie i saw -_- wa sad. hmm. then 301 lect. nearly falling aslp. v shag.
then off to JP for us and then off to jap class for me.. wa learnt nth much in jap class today. totemo tsumaranakatta. z_z yar anyway i got the jlpt reg forms but now don't have passport size photo to paste haiz.
bought a hairband. surprisingly i look nice in it. hehe.
ok la saves me the trouble of making one.
ahhh~~ v shag. later when my sis uses the comp to do her proj work, i think i shall go write postcard and wrap present.
=)
k she's out! *gonez*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:17:00 PM
title of this entry kinda reminds me of one time in jap class. sensei said the oral test qn was smth about do u drink coffee? if no, then she'd ask if u drank tea. then she'd ask whether you put sugar in your coffee/tea. haha.
ko-hi- o nomu?
iie, nomanai.
jaa, koucha o nomu?
hai, nomu.
satou o irete nomu?
hai, koucha ni satou o irete nomu.
or
iie, koucha ni satou o irenai de nomu.
of course i use plain form la.
lazy to be formal.
=X
and i use short sentences also.
lazy use long long.
muahaha.
hmm i like today. =)
turned out well.
seems my days always go well when i meet my friends or do new things or explore some places. haha.
i decided to sleep in today.
it was a conscious choice.
i guess it's good i can actually CHOOSE whether i wanna sleep in.
i really need to master waking up ON TIME by MYSELF.
yes, i lack discipline.
guess now i prefer waking up early because i feel there are things to do and i don't wish to waste my day sleeping in and then realising i'd missed the opportunity to go somewhere do something meet a friend etc.
the feeling of actually doing something overrides the feeling of sleeping in.
although i do love sleeping, i seem to not do it a lot these days.
the time now is 315am and i need to wake up at 8am tomorrow for class.
guess that illustrates the whole situation well. heh.
what's that proverb again?
ren shan nan gai, ben xing nan yi?
changing people's behavior and habits is as hard as moving a mountain?
aka an unsurmountable task. mmm.
yes i have many bad habits that are harder to move than mountains.
=)
not shy to admit that.
shyness and paisehness goes out the window.
i've decided to throw the un-needed shyness and paisehness of myself away.
or at least, keep it in storage.
because you see, with those 2 walls blocking my path, i cannot walk on the green grass and instead squish through the muddy field or the rocky pebbled undergrowth that is bad for the soles of my bare feet.
i can strip shyness and paisehness of their basic characteristics and wall-like behavior and strap them to my feet and use them as shoes as i step onto the grass, be it muddy or rocky, i'll be well-heeled for the most part.
shyness and paisehness, i will not let you get me down.
guess that is one goal of mine.
actually, although you always turn to me for assurance and advice and as a listening ear, i am very grateful for the things you have done for me although you don't see it. by psychologically dissecting you, i've gained new perspectives and new insights. you have added onto my psychological make-up. you turned my 3-room-hdb flat into a 5-room-flat. anyway i am not aiming for a condo with a swimming pool or a semi-D or a bungalow. too lonely too high up too isolated. i like the community in my head, the ever-bustling 5-room-hdb flat with its kpo aunties and cockroach squashing uncles and screaming brats that grow up into silent teenagers and the lift lobby that connects us all. i like the vicinity; the convenience of amenities and public transport. mmm. i like it.
there i go again, launching into another abstract analogy. hehe.
as for progression, i am certain already, yet i am moving forward. i think you know yet you don't know and i know you know although you don't know. and i know what you don't know.. you know? heh.
i'm not moving away.
i'm move with the flow.
why hide? why escape? why run? why shy away? why shrink back? why... paiseh?
i don't feel any awkwardness, to say the least.
things just continue normally on.
but i have stated my case, i have seen your stand, yet without revealing anything or it being awkward.
yeah, nothing can determine the future, no one can say for sure.
things change too fast and too easily.
just accept and move in the direction that makes you happiest.
even if it doesn't, you chose the path you tread on, be it covered in spikes, mud, grass, carpet or pavement.
you jolly well walk the path you've chosen.
walk on, walk strong, never falter.
like the fire-walkers during the festivals.
if they falter, if they stop, if they stand and think,
the pain will flood to them.
the pain will intensify.
thus, they are not true fire-walkers.
i think everything is all in the mind.
your mind is filled with goal achievement, ambition, school, university, adversary (knee) and whatever it is you think about.
my mind is filled with different primary goals. your goals are my secondary goals and my primary goals are your secondary goals, stashed at the back of your decision-influencing thoughts.
in other words, not in your frontal lobes but maybe in your semi/sub consciousness.
it's a matter of perspective and decision-influencing thoughts.
(yes, they even decide for you what you should think about and mull over.)
well, forgive if i assume, but i think you have, well, a pleasant impression of me and generally good feelings when associated with me. why else would you keep coming back?
and i, the same.
the difference?
subconscious and the conscious.
for you, these translate into friendship because only friendship is on your mind when you are bogged down by heavier matters.
(your primary priority is goal-oriented and academically-oriented)
for me, these translate into feelings of like because, like i mentioned, i seem to be the kind of person who has an emotional need. or maybe, an illusion of wanting to fulfil an illusory need. truth is, i am fulfiled emotionally. but i am just greedy and my primary goal is different from yours. your primary goals are my secondary goals.
A: actually beginning i put [you] under consideration oso =X
B: well u should~ LOL
A: =X but mei you fa zhan in dat way so ... LOL
B: lolz anyting is still possible in de future
A: haha the future is the next second lolz
B: but [my] future revolves around uni now
A: hahaha
B: future future ba
A: mine revolves around whatever makes me happy cos i'm a hedonist ma
{etc etc}
A: hmm anyway u can still go into the consideration list if u make efforts ;)
B: LOL *caught [A]'s hint* xD
A: haha honestly, i dun mind.. but if things dun go that way also ok.. hahaha
B: haha ya.. being frens is a nice state currently...so we shall keep it as dat xD
A: XD
well i think it's insightful if you look beyond the boliao part.
it's kinda asking a direct qn subtly.
and i think i'm becoming more and more direct now.
is that good or bad?
heh.
ya anyway, i still haven't launched into my narrative.
(damn, 4hrs to slp)
i think when i decide to sleep in, suddenly people will decide to contact me. had 3 people smsing me this morning while i was sleeping/dozing. i can hear the sms come in and i read it but i either leave off replying till later when i am more coherent, or type in a reply and then doze off again.
first was wilson regarding the toys. haha. didn't reply immediately cos i needed to think, and my day's plan also not confirmed. then sharon about movie. ahaha. yeah man. replied. during that sms conv, gt also smsed asking where i was cos he needed my advice. that got me out of bed, and the fact that my mom announced got prata, and that it was already 1pm and that i was already more or less awake due to chatting to sharon via sms. haha.
haha. today chatting on msn was fun. then i met wilson to collect the WanRoom gashapon lololz. tmd cutE! even my mama says it's cute. HAHA. so happy. then also bought teh gao up for me and mom. by the time i un-afked, saw ki flew to bugis le. arranged to meet her there hehe. met her 2 friends also! *_* chiobu.. i wan~~~ muAhahhaa.
ya walked around looked at things, ("mado-kaimono") then chilled at TCC. muahaha. yeah man. i like hanging out with her more and more~ actually developing a liking that's scarily similar to liking a guy. but i know how to separate such feelings. anyway after years of trying to like girls that way, still fail. muahaha. but this shows that maybe the 'hao gan' i occasionally feel abt some guys is similar to the 'hao gan' abt gals. so maybe i am just mixing up friendship de 'hao gan' towards guys with liking them as more than a friend.
hmm.
anyway i think more like a guy now.
imparting guys' ways of thinking into my already very guy brain.
just another aspect of a guy that i learn and develop.
i have a new motto.
(yeah i come up with mottos at 4am -_-)
zhuo ren gan gan zhuo. sheng huo gan gan huo!
lame! ahaaha but my chinese cmi so please, my motto is in chinese, gimme some credit kay? wAhahahaha!!!
okay. sleep.
this sem is a time for achievements and goal-setting.
where i shift my thinking into deeper realms,
where i mould relationships and nurture them or egg on their development.
where i chase the tide and the waves because they will never wait for me.
where i can run freely without meeting any walls or dead ends but of course i will meet problems.
but i won't let them get me down.
i will live life so that i am happy with the way i live it.
so i can look back and feel that perhaps there was some meaning to once have been alive, afterall.
but spur me on, gentle night breeze,
and i will chase your cloud.
be it with or against the direction you blow.
you cannot keep me off the ground for long.
my feet, they just keep walking.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:08:00 AM
mmm. i have finally reached the conclusion i should have reached many years ago. but i just turned 21 not long ago, so well, better late than never aye? seems i have found a deeper understanding within me. mature? dunno. but i guess certainly less rash, more calm and collected, can sit down plot carefully, plan carefully?
and this understanding has developed from listening to people older than i am. from listening to how guys view their world. from careful observation and analysis. from cross-examination of myself. application of theory. muahaha. now i feel like i'm a scientist inspecting things through a microscope. cross examination. dissection. vivisection. i told gt over the phone today, in jest no doubt, but there's some truth to the statement anyhow.
"i like to psychologically dissect people."
haha! but yeah. i guess this is how my 'too much thinking' which leads to insomnia which leads to depression which leads to intermittant bouts of mania and then back to too much thinking cycle goes about. i like to think too much, overanalyse until it's not healthy.
but since now i've found this new perspective on things, i can sit back and watch myself psychologically dissect stuff until they fall apart, until the cows come home, but maintain my stoic self?
i hope so. haha.
i know what makes you tick.
i know how the cogs of machinery are connected.
i know the programming language you run on.
i know.
just like Mr Anderson in the matrix, i now see!
the workings of this intangible world, laid out before me now.
it's conscious really. or rather, it can be conscious.
mmm. i suppose it's hard for you, my dear reader, to understand from your vantage point. you have to be stuck in the situation, stirred around like an ant in hot coffee until you feel like you're gonna be sick, and your puke steams up, and then you wonder if you're gonna be cooked and sick. but then as things black out and you go under, with the bits of undissolved sugar and coffee grains, you suddenly see things first through the coffee's perspective, then the cup's perspective, then the spoon's. and finally the drinker.
coffee is about choices.
you choose what you want to put inside it.
milk? sugar? creamer? brown? refined? artificial? how much to put in?
personal choices and preferences also play a part i guess.
but you can't drink the coffee you like all the time and any time you want it.
not all the correct ingredients are available on the table the whole time.
so you choose.
sure, you might stick to a particular brand of coffee maybe out of habit, out of convenience, out of price, out of availability, etc. your sugar... raw, refined, artificial? perhaps out of circumstance (diabetes perhaps) or other health reasons. how about milk? some go without milk. some go without milk AND sugar. they like their coffee black. even black coffee can be (even more) lacking. not rich enough, not fragrant enough, not black (?!?!) enough.
well, you get my drift.
so you are the coffee.
and.
i am the tea.
never crossing, different plants, different realms, different fans.
but both are similar in so many ways.
coffee and tea go well together in a cafe.
but you know,
some people never mix the two;
never considered such, have you?
but mix the two..
i guess they would go good together (as i've tried)
although coffee's taste somewhat overwhelms tea's.
nevertheless,
tea is a stayer. and oh so versatile.
mmm.
vague as usual.
full of weird analogies.
well, i understand it (doh).
that's enough.
as for goal setting and achievement,
i really am stepping on the gas AND getting somewhere.
mmm.
or so i feel.
i'm good.
yeah yeah.
managed to convince him to chat on the phone with me.
and call me too!
wahahaha.
i'm good.
CIRCUMSTANCES you are good to me!
TIME FOR SCH TML AW SHUCKS.
maybe i'll run a narrative by you later, bloggie.
need to attend to msn.
feel damn paiseh about ignoring msn in bits and pieces.
erk.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:11:00 AM
how how should i?
For those who still wish to join in the Audition Launch Party on Saturday, 02 September 2006, all you need to do is buy a limited edition Audition Cap @ $10 and be invited to the party! The caps will be on sale at PCBunk on 02 September 2006 from 10am to 12pm.
Participants who purchase the Audition Cap will be given a redemption coupon for the collection of the cap. Redemption for the caps will only be available after 15th of September at PCbunk.
Get ready to Groove with AuditionSEA this Saturday!
* Participants who purchase the Audition Cap on the event day will not be entitled to goodie bags.
* Purchase of cap is limited to one person per cap on first come first serve basis.
* Limited entry to PCBunk.
X_X
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:59:00 PM
shinpai...
tml another shoot.
The Chase.
wa i'm scared.
scared i fuck things up.
cos i don't trust myself.
i never ever trust myself.
cos i always go blur
and fuck things up
things i know i can do
but i just go and fuck up
cos i'm blur
sigh
tomorrow i'm the sound gal.
holding the mixer, fanny pack and boom.
dun wish to screw up.
please, sound mixer, boom, camera, dv tape gods...
protect our shoot tomorrow.
qing ni bao you wo men!
*kowtows to DV tapes pack of 3*
X_X
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:35:00 PM
let's play guess the celebrity!
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:13:00 AM
voluntary exhaustion
yea i admit it. been playing audition till 6+am. made myself super sleepy during jap class today. not to mention it was so darn cold and that increased my sleepiness. add in me wearing my specs and i am even more sleepy. heh i dunno why but feeling cold and wearing specs can increase my sleepiness. they're catalysts! haha.
on tue i didn't friggin know there wasn't gonna be any 322 tut. i think i was stoning in the lecture on monday, heard smth like 'if any of you are shooting during tutorial time, tell me and i'll go down and see'. didn't occur to me there wasn't gonna be any tut. sheeesh. so i arrived in sch around 940am, like 4 hours early for my 1330 class liddat. sigh. anyway i didn't go for that class also larhs. HAHAHA. wtF. more about it further down.
stoned around and luckily saw HM who was sleeping. so i poked her then she complained she was having a nice dream and that i woke her up. hahaha. exciting part somemore. blearghs.
anyway she then did some of her jap homework stuff.
@_@
reminds me 1.5 years ago when i just started learning jap officially. X_X
wahahahaha natsukashii na T_T
ano omoidase T_T
she went off for class so i went to disturb cyn.
ho hum.
then she went for class also!
nth to do.. so i did my jap hw....
AHHHHHHHHH REMINDS ME OF MY WET UMBRELLA IN MY BAG AR FUCK SOGGY PAPERS
ok ya anyway managed to stone until noon, then i went for the talk by n3il humphr3ys =D
wa dammit la.
so entertaining.
i'm actually quite sad he's leaving singapore!
T_T
he's very funny and his humor is those kind honest and ironic and got some local flavor also. not limited to duffy's british dry and sallow and weird humor.
he left the whole LT in stitches sia.
anyway i bought his latest book and helped shiyun get one also cos she wanted to get it autographed for her mama who loves him haha.
the queue okok la haha. about 30min worth of queueing.
hehe he wrote a sweet msg to SY's mom and i told him i also stay in tpy, then he wrote smth like toa payoh rocks! haha. funneh. and we took a piccie with him.
his talk was one of the things that made my day.
another thing that made my day was of course my CS friends..
and meeting mu!
haha mu dun say dith pangseh u for mr maomao ok.
cos i been meeting u tons and never even see reflection of his pigu ok.
he's hopeless and gone case.
study too much and extremely stressed and it's only the 2nd week of sch for him.
i reli have nth to say.
AHHAHAAAHA.
yay mu and i ate at marina sq foodloft.
we ate at the claypot stall. i had claypot bacon and lupcheong rice, she had something like sapor tofu and broccoli and stuffs. she didn't eat rice ._. mu why u eat so little nowadays. dith feel like ookii buta beside u even more so now T_T
anyway the claypot was yumyum.
dith likes claypot
=D
got that nice smoky taste yet... mmm i dunno how to describe. haha.
we did shopping..
actually mu did shopping, not dith.
-_-
i reli didn't buy anything except food wor.
wahahaha wa sian.
actually the truth is, the nice clothes cannot fit me so i also cannot buy ba. T_T
damn sianz.
oh ya it was so hard to find the ATM at marina square.
walked up and down and round and round and finally found one at... guess where?
ok la actually i had a hunch near the cinema got. so we walked there and walked past, even went up and around and asked the people there and peeked at the toilet corridor.
-_-
walked back and suddenly noticed people pressing something on a wall enclosed.
WA TMD the bloody atm machines were there and we walked right past them T_T
bth ahaha.
at night we adjourned to C.A. for 50% off cheesecake!
HAHAHAA.
took a LONG time re-finding C.A. wa damn sian i can't believe we got lost again. aahaha.
ordered oreo cheesecake, blackforest cheesecake, choc mousse cheesecake (forgot exact name) and OJ for mu. wa shIok i still like my blackforest cheesecake! reli tastes like choc ice cream cake. hAHahah.
anyway we stuffed ourselves silly larhs.
here's some of the carnage:
oh and this is kinda backdated (from saturday), but this is what happens when you combine 2 cute beaded purses together! hahaha. with 2 very bored ppl.
lolz.
today met mu AGAIN.
actually due to me having played audition until nearly 7am, i have only myself to blame when i was super drowsy today. 9am mu called my hp and i blurly answered. hahaha. rolled back to slp then 1130am woke up pom and went to ICA to take my mugshot before meeting her.
actually my mugshot seems ok, but mu says i look tinged greyish green. eh. nvm la. hahaha. i cannot be bothered. take photo can le. can relax.
and now i have 8 mugshots of myself.
mu wanted to go shoot shoot and she brought the cam all the way somemore. but it decided to RAIN. rain rain rain. got worse n worse and progressively worse sigh.
=(
at 510pm it was drizzling.
at 550pm the SKY WAS DARK like 8pm liddat the color and WOW SO STORMY tmd.
the ground was FLOODED.
tmd tmd
the rain was damn HEAVY. torrential.
ooame da.
MY SHOES GOT DRENCHED.
i was shivering the whole way in jap class.
diana got her feet and bottom of her jeans wet.
wa heng i wore my shorter jeans today.
-.-
keep smelling sogginess in class today. everyone was soggy or didn't come or late and wEt.
sigh.
didn't learn much in class today either, but the part about the animal names and sounds was fun.
hehehehehe.
elephant goes PAOON~~~~~
frog goes KEROKERO~~~~
chicken goes KOKEKOKKO~~~
dog goes WANWAN~~~
(wanroom toy collection. geddit? kerokerokeropi the frog. geddit?)
wahahahaha.
diao~
and of course, cats go NYA~~~~
=3
but cats will always be cats. especially the lone tomcat.
he might seem nice and guai and hardworking but he actually is inherently needing people for entertainment. seeing a girl nodding off in the mrt reminded him of me, he said. sweet but it's not. hahaa. not intended to be but just matter-of-factly.
sigh.
and am i aunt agony?
always call me and even the other party wanted to talk to me?
am i the middle-girl now?
dun wanna chup in la pls.
=(
sian.
then i'm also wondering if generic smses are sent to random various people in the phonebook because you're bored. i reply also you never reply me de. once then no more. are you busy? if you're busy you shouldn't even sms. cos it seemed like you were suggesting an sms chat but didn't give me one. maybe you just needed an update or something to do with your fingers (ie sms)?
i like chatting so don't draw me into expecting a reply while you don't intend to give me any and leave me hanging.
don't leave me chatting to myself while you slip offline too.
dun like it.
quite rude larhs.
ok very tired.
tomorrow is my 930am-630pm day.
i am gonna brush my teeF and sleeP.
anyway, ya.
day 6 and my earlobes seem to be doing fine.
don't really feel that grossed out when i clean it and fiddle with my earring also.
haha.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:35:00 AM
`dung
monday blUes!!!
not yellow not green but blue!
wear my heart on my sleeve (or on my shirt).
wore a white tee with a BLUE heart!
FEELING THE MONDAY BLUES AH
ok this is my tOdO list now:
.322 vid shoot fri
.323 readings (1 ch left)
.323 presentaN(12 sept)
very very very stoned the WHOLE day.
shdn't have slept at 3am+ ytd but audition was just too fun..
npc reli very good for earning den
X_X
but i'm a lousy dancer.
but very fun to play with ki altho sigh..
ended up wasting 2 hrs of her time..
LOL.....
sianz
hope she finishes her report asap.
and that it nets her an A+++
(star until cannot star.. starstarstarcensored)
******
wahahaha.
the stars reveal:
jyouzu
XD
ok i'm nuts le.
but yay!
with the help of HM's trusty ibm lappy (that mel HATES)
we finished our proposal!
and also thanks to HM.
got H3 in the group.
sigh hope he delivers.
nvm we are very truthful with him.
i will be a total bitch to him if he dun do his share of work.
quad for lunchie of stuck-in-teethies beef baked rice.
then location recce + review of sadm building
really a very nice place
looks like a poly..
mu u shd seriously consider applying to SADM
i think during break u can slide down the grass.
LOL.
it's very pretty
i dun hate the grass roof anymore!
sometimes u gotta meet face to face to see the beauty
301 lect was a snoozer.
i did my readings but the stuff he covered totally off.
like wtf?
I DID MY READINGS LEH.
X_X
sk cut and dyed his hair!!!!
looks nice.
damn la i wanted to do my hair that color.
now must think of another color else ppl say i copy.
LOL.
fookz HAHAHA.
after 30min of slping in lect..
i dunno what happened
but finally lect over.
did some schwork den fled to JP.
me not in a chatty mood today btw.
X_X
can't talk properly when not enuf slp.
anyway bumped into daryl again at Banquet foodie court.
haha sho funneh la he.
HM this is for u!
i think his side profile is really nice.
he has nice long eyelashes.
HM u shd have been here!
more gaunt but nice features.
less intense maybe cos he's on summer hols and the culture overseas is more relaxed ba.
WHAHAHAHAA
oops.
sculli she come kill me.
anyway i reached bugis like 45min early again.
went shopping.
having a japan fair thingy.
i bought YET ANOTHER green shirt.
material's really nice.
and it was $23.90
the rest all $30+ $40+
saw the yellow top in DP, but when i tried it on, really weird.
not only cos it's semi-translucent (ie can see my black bra quite clearly)
but falls weirdly.
think those with long narrow torsos wear then very nice.
shoulders cannot too broad also.
mu i think it will suit u.
just nid to find it in ur size.
fox didn't have the tees i loved.
need to go back marina square to find.
=(
ZEHI ITTE KAITAI
jap class totemo tsumaranaiiiii
learnt all the stuff we learnt before.
diana and me sat eating my bag of chocs like 24/7 during the class.
she eat until she became full zomg.
bittersweet choc with raisin.
$2.20 for 100g.
my mom loves it.
ahaha.
very shag now.
but i wanna play audition!!!!
feels like we're drifting apart and going our separate ways..
goodbye, and good luck.
p/s: if you guys are still wondering abt the title of my entry,
it's called `dung because i had banDUNG today. ^^
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:42:00 PM
tOdO
.
.322 vid shoot fri
.323 readings
.301 research for proj discussion tml
.323 tut presentation research (12 sept)
yum.
slurp all the work up.
=B
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:30:00 PM
stew
should i be truthful,
or semi truthful to fuel confidence?
should i lie?
should i help whole-heartedly,
or should i help a tiny bit and leave the thing imperfect?
should i even contribute to another's work?
should i be there always,
or be there sometimes so as not to encourage reliance?
or should i not even be there at all?
should i push forward,
or should i push, retreat, waver?
should i pull back totally?
should i think,
think and be bothered and then see what my next movement should be?
or should i not think and just do?
what roles,
what roles should i assume,
what roles should i play?
am i a character in a theatre,
a screenplay,
or am i the critic,
laughing at myself?
you rely too much on me.
for entertainment,
for relief,
for assurance,
for boosting self-confidence,
for advice,
for encouragement,
for relieving boredom,
for company,
for opinions,
for experience,
for direction,
for many many things which you should already know and are able to do by yourself.
but still you do.
i'm not complaining,
yet i constantly wonder,
what is this?
whether it would be detrimental or beneficial.
to me and to you.
i try to be independent
i try to be helpful
i, too, need a crutch
i can't walk alone.
yet i can, too.
not entirely complaining but,
i just like to wonder what motivates behavior,
what comprises the psychology of the person who behaves in such a manner,
behavior, psychological make up, event-movitated...
person-oriented.
convenient excuses
habit
fulfilment
the literal pot of human stew.
i am so fascinated by your ingredients,
and the way you bubble on the fire.
i wonder how you taste like.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:29:00 PM
return!
FINALLY!
met up with mu.
hahaha and she forever wear aqua-dot de LOL
and i NOE whether she is wearing it or not before i meet her cos she will sms and ask "dith wearing aqua?" cos we have the same top! hahaha but not the same size =X
did shopping today..
watered-down version T_T
sian it's like i wan buy but see no touch kinda thing u noe.
or see, touch, nO buy!
$_$
argh $_$
I WAN GO BACK MARINA SQUARE LAH
YELLOW dp top and YELLOW browny felty top from fox.
LOL
yellow craze =X
but still loyal to my green.. dun worry
BUT
if i still loyal to my green.. why the gloomy bear i got from gashapon is YELLOW and not GREEN?
IT'S A SIGN?
IS IT A SIGN?
wahahaha hahahaha hohoho hehehehe
left earlobe still pain.. is it because the earring is too tight there?
my right earlobe painless le.
T.T
*prays to the earlobe god*
anyway i bought a pair of orange hoops.
AHHHHHHH MY FIRST PAIR
can't WEAR yet
LOL
asdfghhhjj
hahahaha.
and i bought an OP white and bronzy tee.
waaaaaaaaaaaa.
and some toys...
mu ended up buying a GASHAPON LA omg
and she TIO a BIAN TAI neko
LOL!!!!!!!!!
giving a se4 look and it's got a BALL there!!!
HAHAHA MU
at least it's not the one with the ASSHOLE right!
*fainted*
but it's cute.
HAHAHAHA.
and she bought a pair of converse shoes with TWO TONGUES
can lick lick anyhow lick
damn bian tai =X
LOL
fainted.
wahaha hahaha
i'm high.
escapism from projs.
._.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:37:00 AM
kuroimahou
practise my craft, hone it, sharpen my tools.
precision.
action.
satisfaction.
results are gratifying.
grin and gaze into a faroff distance.
and plot my next move.
mm supposed to go ICA yet again today.
i DIDN'T.
hence the supposed.
wa super lazy...
nvm i'm going out to slack..
:D
tomorrow must start doing research for 301 ler.
no time for other stuffs =X
i got too many personal 'projects' at hand.
but bahhh. they can wait.
i can't.
^_^
fulfil yourself before others, otherwise where would the "I" go?
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:58:00 AM
bravado
(blogger is down now. this post is belated -_-)
ahhhhhh got title, got things i did today, but no mood to blog.
okok la.
NARRATIVE time.
backstory: msn till 7am with pkk. SI TOFU i swear i will pinch ur cheeks some day ROAR
130pm i woke up like a blur fuck.
actually woke up prior to that due to smses but i also dunno what time.
saw huimin sent me a msg and that i had replied.
wahahahaha i could barely remember what i replied.
cyn also smsed me. continuation of last night.
2pm i woke up proper. switched on comp first thing of course, then pommed.
grabbed a bite at home before i left for orchard.. waaaaa gt late for 1/2 hr but nvm larhs. hahaha. got valid reason one larhs. aiyoh he looks so tired/haggard as compared to when i met him on sunday. oh man. one week of sch only leh... @_@
went to Scott's the downstairs foodcourt. think it's called Picnic. er.. he nv go there before O_O lol =X
erm walked back to wisma... den i decided that i was gonna do it!!! hah. erm i decided since like ytd on the mrt ride home. wow i'm still in disbelief. i actually go and do the scariest thing FIRST. wahaha i'm damn amazed by my courage. and resolve. wow. HAHA. but i was quite freaked for like an hour? lol!!!!
actually i really was quite freaked.
but i thought. hell la, if there is any one time i will do it,
it will be today. it will be NOW.
i think i will never pluck up the courage any other time.
erm and i have social facilitation to thank.
LOL
partly why i did it was to prove a point.. that i will do what i say
this was a point to be made to myself
and partly cos there was the so-called onlooker gt facilitating my thought.
kns he waited outside.
but nvm i wanted to do it alone too.
he said ppl inside the shop also looking at him.
give moral support in a weird way...
but in a way it also helped.
i was quite stable also.
waaa.
very brave.
sat on the stool then waa.. they prolong my fear by making me read some pamphlet, rubbing my ear with the alcohol and stuff.. drawing the mark.....
wa psychological torture sia. LOL
when the gun was ON my EARLOBE i was suddenly gripped by OWTF and i was hit by a slight wave of panic and felt the onset of trembles coming on.
but ahhhhh.. it was over and i was surprised it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would, and didn't hurt the way i thought it would.
LOL!
eh still got the left earlobe to pokepoke.
but @_@
not so bad.
my fear level was like an impulse force graph u noe..
those kind shoot up quite high then drop and remain constant.
LOL
why am i analysing this so much..
small thing to many ppl i noe
but to me..
BIG TIME fear of things that pierce..
needles, knives, anything that cuts or pierces skin..
anything SHARP..
and big time fear of injections, cuts, etc.
to me, it seriously is like ON THE LIST
of the top ten BRAVEST things i have done.
i think since i turned 21 i became a bit braver.
not only in this sense.. but also on the social sense and hmm i dunno.
braver to do, to say out, trying not to hold back so much.
keep my desire caged like a bird, and i will never earn the wings to fly.
erm anyway i was still in shock as i paid for the services and stumbled out.
my earlobes still have a slight dull ache.
especially on my left.
think it's a bit tight but nvm 3 days later i can go adjust.
i got some problem with wearing clothes now
LOL
faint
anyway i rated it 2/10 on the pain scale larhs.
the sound is louder than the pain.. feel more sound, pressure, force.. pain was quite tiny. didn't feel like those take needle poke skin.. more like i snap a rubber band at ur ear liddat.
ok enough about my da jing xiao guai encounter with the piercing gun.
went to kino with gt.
oh gosh i shall not comment abt his pia-ness.
anyway he bought like 2 books and 2 manga.
later we slacked in macD where he read the manga but i was like... LOL
TRYING TO READ larhs.
k la, can understand 50%.
he can finish reading 1 book in 25min or so.
in 25min i can read 25% to 30%+ which isn't so bad right? HAHAHA.
but of course dun understand half also la.
basic story can agar. but details.. LOL
the excitement in the story and mystery hinted at is LOST ON ME.
still prefer english LOTS.
eh forever got baby cockroach trying to disiao me one.
there was one "Tiny" crawling in macD.
zzzzzzz. heng it nv reli come kajiao me. it fell asleep at the table leg. but still so close lARH. i had to keep looking at it to check if it would start crawling up at on me. -_-
haha =X later went orchard mrt to meet T.
haha -_- when 2 guys get together, it's ARMY talk.
diao!
i stood there while they chatted briefly about army stuff and they CONTINUED on to disiao me. haha. response? me giving raised eyebrows.
but nvm la. haha.
chilled at The Cathay Starbucks with T before the movie.
watched The Beat My Heart Skipped.
pretty good, but i preferred Hard Candy and Adam's Apples.
today no student price =(
first time there for movie.
got a bit lost.
place looks half-built also.
nice starbucks tho.
went home STR8 after that. T also.
o_O
we are so guai.
he nearly psycho-ed me to go Home club for Beat. but ehhhh.
tml REALLY must go ICA take mugshot.
ugly ugly mug shots.
need to sleep early.
plus cig smoke and sweat is not good for my new willingly self-inflicted injuries.
aye.
nearly 3am.
off to bed with me!!
hehe.
still feeling so proud of myself.
HAHAHA.
damn.
hahaha fanning my ego-flames really feels good sia.
=D
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:33:00 AM
ego trip
haha. i was just thinking about myself. how narcissistic right? ya but i was thinking about how i shoud improve/change myself, so that accounts for something right? so funny.. trying to blog while all hot and sticky from playing DDR on the dance mat. at least it's exercise in some form and that i like it. hahaha! most importantly, that i like it! yeA~
i think i should be more outspoken, more pro-active, more social, more assertive, more extroverted, more enthusiastic, more energetic...
but eh, if i were all those things, i wouldn't really be myself right? ahhh. the dilemma of staying put and being 'me' or suddenly taking a 180 degree somersault and not really being myself.
eh i'm trying ok.
i've taken up japanese classes, joined a cca, talked to more people, tried to take initiative (but failing), trying to be more sociable (but also failing since naturally i'm the sort who will actually talk to the people i feel more at home with) can talk is one thing, feel at home with is another thing. both together is great of course.
maybe i'll take some dance classes outside at the CC behind my house, or dance more DDR at home. try to pick up kayaking and/or swimming... eh maybe i'll pierce my ears too. ya, miracles do happen la. the only barrier that's stopping me is because i'm afraid.
afraid of so many things, i am.
i should seek the lion in me. where is my courage?
i must be brave and venture out;
to do what i wanna do.
for if i don't,
who is gonna bring them to me?
by the time they are tamed and brought before me,
what am i seeing but a zoo?
instead of them in their natural habitat - the wild?
i should go into the wild and become a hunter,
instead of being a friggin tourist - see no touch - in the zoo. petting zoo is for weaklings.
but i'm a weakling.
i'm one of them.
one of those scared people.
i am the hunted.
i will remain the prey until i pluck up my courage, my guns, my hunting knife
and go on a long journey into the wild.
yes. i must be brave.
how else do you hone your skills?
how else do you discover your talents?
how else do you find yourself?
mmm. didn't know there was a morning lecture today. haha anyway i didn't miss a single thing. zzzz so boring la. what's funny to him isn't funny to us ok. ninja, schminja lAH.
glad i missed it.
=D
sleep pwns boring lectures.
...with ninjas. -_-
morning was happily sleeping then J called me.
zzzz.
forgot what he wanted also.
i think school-related stuff.
aiyah anyway i'm quite coherent although half-asleep i think.
quite proud of it. LOL.
hmm my storyboard idea didn't get chosen for the next video proj. nvm it's ok. haha i'll accept the fact that i'm not a creative person larhs. =) it's ok.
think i have no flair for directing also larhs.
my spatial recognition function in my brain is malfunctioning i think. @_@
today quite happy lehs. for once i saw the usual gang of 5 in CS. happy happy. but grace had to zao for tuition =(
kamling disappeared =(
left me, peiting, sk and cyn. nvm it's plenty enough. haha. been so long since i felt this comfortable in CS. haha now you know it takes a LOT to make me feel comfortable. =X
but ya laughing like siao.. all the cold jokes come out.
^_^
brings back memories of year 1. but how ironic. we're year 3 already =(
aiyah...
still can't shake off some feelings.
no matter what i do to replace them, they still hover around me. haha what's my problem sia.
i shan't analyse stupid things like frequency of calls.
calls are worth more than smses.
both in monetary value and emotional value.
it used to just be smses.
now you tapai call me.
i dunno whether to laugh or smirk or scream.
on one hand, i'm reeling the fish in.
on the other hand, i might hurt myself later (again).
err.. using a plastic hand, (cos i ran out of hands) i dunno what i'm doing?
achieving your aim can be a step closer to achieving your end.
just a little bit more, and the bits of gravel slide past each other, creating a landslide that will send you off the edge and hurtling down into a rocky ravine that's almost always fatal.
every single time.
so i need a rope.
a rope and a be-layer.
maybe even a safety net and a helicoper with a stretcher.
but how do i rig all these safety devices?
all around me...
don't even know if the net is sturdy enough.
how old the rope is... will it hold? how much will my hands chaff?
i want to play also can play properly or not?
don't play halfway then kena tragedy can?
never hear of fun turning into fear and fatality before meh? zzz.
even the tiniest of things.
like choking on a marble and dying.
zzzz.
i speak confident words but my thoughts differ.
i waver although my resolve is rock solid.
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
how would you feel if suddenly people saw through your games,
twisted the rules to their own liking,
built a botter program, a hacking program.
to screw your perfect world.
ahhhh. arGhhh...
i just think too much, yeah.
yeah i do.
i'm just gonna take a backseat,
and conveniently ignore everything ignorable in my life.
mmm.
i'll be the horse with blinkers,
the fishing-duck with a neck ring,
the ostrich with its head in a hole,
an eagle with clipped wings,
a mouse in a trap,
a hamster in an exercise wheel,
the tides in the sea.
i'll whore for this life.
continue whoring for it until it ends.
what have i achieved?
deathbed evaluation will suffice i guess.
my blog getting too vague again cos i really dun wanna mention many things.
not for me to say.
haha.
oh ya, maybe i'll blog about the dream i had in the morning some other day.
too tired to be creative and descriptive right now.
only have mood to wax philosophical.
mmm which reminds me of lecture.
which reminds me of diagetic versus non-diagetic.
hahahahaha.
aiyah.
you win some, you lose some.
that's the rule of the game.
but the thing is, if you act like you've won all when you've actually lost,
victory on the enemy's side is all the more sweetly succulent.
mmmmm.
=)
tomorrow it's time to take my ugly mug shot at lavender.
then aimless wondering around.
maybe i'll pierce my ears.
sigh.
then study (?)
then night time go for movie and coffee.
chikaku sundeiru kara...
it's comforting.
lolz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:27:00 AM
gonecase
fangirling over royston tan.
sigh sigh sigh
people are so talented.
is it more hardwork or talent?
even if i lack talent,
i'm gonna try.
sigh but i'm such a lazy person.
time to pia.
full force.
do video projects until i run dry
blood sweat tears
all to be poured out
heart and soul
e s s e n c e
if i wanna be who he is
if i want to even come close
think i can
b a r e l y
make it.
mimicry is the ultimate flattery
so many people to contend with and surpass before i can even begin to dream.
dream dream...
i haven't lost yet.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:50:00 AM
refrain
for my reference only:
collation of TV Story.
--------
Monday, January 23, 2006
2:50:00 AM
TV Story part 1
one day, a boy won some prize money for his good results. he had enough, it seemed, for a portable battery-operated television set. skipping happily to his neighborhood electrical shop, he picked out the set he wanted and paid the ahpek in crisp fifty dollar notes. it was green, and it fitted in the palm of his hand. a bit dusty and scuffed up from sitting on the shelf for so long; but he got a discount, so what the hell anyway!
it took a prime spot in his room, sitting on his table beside his computer. he undid the packing of his newly purchased double A alkaline batteries, popped it into his new gadget, and powered it up.
the pictures were bright and dazzling, he sat there and scanned through the channels; and although the miniature pictures hurt his eyes, before he knew it, the afternoon had turned into night and it was dinnertime.
click.
he switched it off and ran downstairs to eat, leaving the television sitting blankly on his cold wooden desk in his dark bedroom. it was forgotten for the night.
the next day, he brought it along for his lesson. the journey on the mrt was long and boring, so he decided to watch some cartoons. light hearted happy fun. nothing beats mindless entertainment! lesson began and ended, and he watched cartoons again on the mrt ride home. however, when he reached home, he got engrossed in a game and forgot to turn it off.
fzzt.
the batteries died.
for the next couple of days it was left forgotten, sitting darkly on his table behind a pile of books and games. the battery had begin to leak. (he bought those cheap brandless batteries) it wasn't until he was clearing his table and discovered a wet patch of a chemical spill on an old worksheet that he remembered his mini television set.
hurriedly, he cleaned it and dumped the batteries, replacing them with new ones that his mother had gotten for him.
the colors were as bright as ever, the pictures just as vivid.
it kept him entertained. but only for a while.
the television soon travelled everywhere with him, and he used it to pass the time when he was alone and bored. but as soon as his friends came or a game or a book caught his attention, the television would be cast aside once more.
many battery changes and near-alkaline-leaks later, the television set was growing tired of its life. was it merely an entertainment vehicle with no other value? the owner so detached and distant despite the constant attention during boredom?
so that very day, when the boy wanted to pass his time on the mrt before his lessons, the television stood up and chided the boy.
"no more tv for you", it said, coughing out the batteries and casting them out of the window. then, blankly, it wobbled and fell on its side.
it knocked against a stand of pens and pencils, and as the stand toppled over, it knocked the television to the edge of the table where it fell and the screen cracked.
the boy was shocked and taken aback. his television! now what would he do without a source of entertainment!?
the broken tv set lay in the trash, waiting for the refuse truck to take it to jurong. the boy had gone back to life without the tv set, and it seemed nothing had changed. he thought nothing of the tv set. he remembered nothing.
the tv set was forgotten.
it would remain forgotten forever, as it was progressively buried under trash.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
1:03:00 AM
TV Story Part 2
The TV set lay in the heap of trash, and coincidentally enough surrounding it were its brothers and sisters. The TV set felt that at least it could be incinerated / compacted at peace with its family around.
But seems that they had other plans for it.
The TV set re-con man came by, poking at the stack of unwanted TVs. "yes... no... uh huh..." he mumbled to himself, his pot bellied figure making its way towards the green mini tv set. lime green in a stack of drab grey. stood out like a sore thumb. the re-con man's attention immediately turned towards it.
poking at prodding at the mini tv set, he uttered many 'hmms' and 'mmms'. and he stuck the tv set in his trolley with the few others he had chosen. his van lay in wait nearby, its engine rumbling. huffing and puffing, the re-con man unloaded the tv sets he had taken from the heap into his van. the doors closed behind the lime green tv set, and all was darkness.
2 weeks later found the lime green tv set sitting in a shop window, looking better than new. a new tv tuner card, a new usb port and a new coat of paint, it shone. but no one bought it. everyone walked past, oohed and aahed. but nothing more.
the mini tv set was sad. did no one want it?
"20 bucks and its yours."
a familiar voice in the background. a familiar phrase.
something the re-con man said every day to people who asked about the lime green tv but never bought it.
something the lime green tv always heard that ended with "no thanks."
but today seemed different. a long silence followed. and then the rustling of money.
"i'll take it." the voice said. and it was a familiar voice.
Monday, July 17, 2006
11:25:00 AM
TV story part 3
when we last saw the tv, it was finally being bought after a long time sitting at the re-con man's shop window. a familiar voice the buyer had. and indeed, it was the tv's previous owner.
the lime green tv set was put snugly in the pocket with the ever familiar lint lining the edges and the smell of soap. the owner put his hand over his pocket the whole time to make sure the tv was safe and sound and that he wouldn't lose it again.
the lime green tv set spent many such days like that once in the care of its old turned new owner. the tv set was happy. but something nagged at its little tv brain. although much time was spent with its owner, the owner never said anything. didn't paste stickers with his name on it, didn't personalize the tv, and didn't even customize settings. needless to say, the tv's owner didn't even say the tv belonged to him.
the tv had no sense of ownership... it just went back to being a tool. a tool in a happier environment, nonetheless. and the tv constantly worried, with all the spanking new tv shops in the area, that its owner would go into one of them and set eyes on one of those snazzy sleek slim stylish widescreen televisions and forget all about the lime green tv set. maybe even worse. maybe its owner would buy a new television set home and just sell the mini one away or junk it.
now, the tv didn't want that, but it had no way to voice its opinion. it had no way to ask its owner. especially since its owner had applied for a job in one of those tv shops and would start work soon. it would soon be over wouldn't it? the tv set questioned the cloth of the pocket. i would be left alone again won't i? the tv set questioned the stitches. you never really regarded me before didn't you? the tv set questioned the palm of the hand it sat upon as it showed its owner the programs. yes it will soon be over. the tv set was resigned to its fate.
maybe i should just go get lost or just wait for another owner to come along who really treasures me, if there ever will be another... the tv set sat on the boy's desk in darkness, pondering for a long time before sleep could finally take over...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
12:40:00 PM
TV story part 4
the tv finally figured it out.
it short circuited itself so the boy had to place it upon his shelf as a memory because it couldn't work anymore.
and that is how the story ends.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
4:46:00 PM
Epilogue - TV Story
the empty memory of the lime green tv set haunted the boy even as the last wisps of conscious memory faded from his mind, and the dust hung thick on the tv set, clotting lime green into grey.
he could not shake it off.
something was bothering him but he didn't know. something was eating and eating at him. with invisible jaws and an unknown face. a rank odor that stained his thoughts. haunted.
he never knew until he dusted his shelf.
he never knew until the cobwebs fell from a squarish object,
until the lime green peeked through and glinted at him with the sun from the window.
then he remembered every single thing.
every single memory.
every single detail.
haunted he was no more.
he took the tv set easily.
time had passed,
he had grown taller.
it fit even more snugly into his grown hands.
but then he remembered it was spoilt.
he wore a shirt, too small for him now, but the shirt with the familiar pocket that the tv set always rode in. just like old times. the buttons strained but held.
he had a new 40 inch lcd television in his house but suddenly it didn't matter.
he walked slowly down the familiar path to the old curio shop where he re-bought the lime green tv set.
he walked. slowly.
and the evening sun crept away from him.
he walked. slowly.
and never noticed the lime green was spreading.
spreading from his pocket, around his waist, creeping up his neck, pouring down his legs..
he walked. and he reached the curio shop.
the door was open, but the old man had gone out to buy dinner. maybe he forgot to lock the shop. maybe it had been locked. who knows.
the last bit of green swallowed his head just as he passed by the shelf of the store window. there was a small space there, it had been the space where the lime green tv set had sat, waiting for him.
it was empty.
and then suddenly it was not.
a new lime green tv set sat in the spot, just as the old man came back to unlock the now locked door, and a girl skipped happily away round the corner of the block.
she wore a shirt a bit too big for her, and a lime green sash trailed around the hip of her jeans.
---end---
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:42:00 AM
no talent, no vision
ROAR!
i hate hate hate drawing storyboards.
(&%^*$%&##$#@^#
cos i cannot draw LoL.
sometimes the angle super funny.
i drew a wide shot actually camera is at eye level but the angle i drew it at, because i cannot draw properly, looks like from extreme high angle. LOL.
even my tutor ask me why look like that =X
i said i cannot draw X_X
my perspective sux.
just drew out a 25 shot storyboard on the latest video exercise assignment.
think if we shoot this, sure can pukez.
=x haha
aiyah I HATE DRAWING
wish i could improve then won't feel so pek chek and take so fricking long to draw one storyboard. hahaha. i can see in my head but very hard to reproduce out ._.
eh.. does anyone have the same problem? haha. even for music it's like that. and my thoughts also. thinking about it makes a lot of sense, but once i say out or draw out or sing out, becomes crap.
ie: talk nonsense and confuse myself only, draw ugly stick figures with wrong perspective and don't even know how to draw sometimes, or hum tune also hum wrong.. different from that in my head
wish i could record my imagination on DV tape.
hahahaha.
zzzzzz.
last day of the first 7th month.
tml also burning again cos 1st day of 2nd 7th month.
._."
blehhhhh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:27:00 AM
wonders of the internet
feel empowered!
even a book lost in time but stuck in memory can be recalled!
i googled whatever little i could recall and BAM! the title, author, book review etc etc came back to me immediately.
wow *_*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:32:00 PM
in the space between oversleeping and waking
i wonder, where does your consciousness reside?
is it between the spaces of being awake and asleep?
like an ooze that moves in to fill the cracks so that nothing jarrs, nothing jams?
had weird dreams today while oversleeping.
which made me late for class as usual.
----
i was with my sis. we were walking through this whole maze of shops. seemed like chinatown + bugis village + heeren + far east. yet didn't seem like singapore.
images of this computer graphic driven generator up in space kept appearing in my head. i forgot what it means, but it meant something in the dream. it looked like a model for some kind of spaceship.
we walked around. so many toy shops around. can't remember the names now, but they were splashed across the shop in big bright bold lettering. so inviting, those shops were. had to resist the urge to go in and have a look.
instead went to some weird fishing shop. i have no idea either. we bought some stuff for fish, but we have no fish. we don't go fishing, we don't keep fish.. haha weird.
kept walking around then saw some boys in uniform having spitting competitions. forgot the goal of the contest already. spit furthest? thickest spit? most yucky and mucus-y spit? aim people? also cannot remember.
anyway they tried to spit at our shoes as we went past. ew. narrowly missed though. yucks man and heng. naturally i got pissed off and nearly picked a fight with them. think around there, mom woke me up and my dream sequence shifted....
yishun.
i was dressed in my secondary sch uniform. chijtp pinafore.
i went to this particular building to look for someone.
there was a chair outside his flat.
i sat there for the most part of the day, reading a book i had brought along.
before i knew it, i was engrossed in the book.
suddenly, i instinctively looked up.
i saw him at the far end of the corridor, talking to his grandma who was sitting there in a foldable chair similar to mine also.
panic.
what if he saw me?
i quickly got up and ran off, i took the stairs.
down down down i ran. 5 flights of stairs.
stairway reminded me of JCS stairs.
dark. dingy. winding. easily making people lost.
i hightailed it from his house, past the garden where people went to jog, to the empty bus interchange. (landmarks of course wrong places in my dream)
people were there giving out flyers and holding signs with the different university names written on them.
of course by then, it was already 815am and i was gonna be super late for my 930am lesson with video review. oh shit.
so i woke up.
---
funny, today i was buying teh gao neng bao for me and my mom from the hawker center downstairs on my way back when i heard a familiar hokkien song on the stallholder's radio.
"...ji ba ban~~~"
hahaha i recognized a hokkien song -_-
it's the 'yi bai wan' or 'one million' song that gt sent me long ago.
no wonder i found it so familiar hahaha.
tmd lolz of all things, i can recognize a hokkien song on the radio.
faint. lolz.
kaes very sleepy now.
bbais all.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:48:00 AM
monitoring self-progress
quite sleepy now, but i have no school tomorrow, so i guess i'll blog to waste the time away. actually sat down with blank pieces of paper and came up with 4 slipshod ideas for the next video project. not bad not bad.
didn't do much today i guess. except for the usual routine, one of which now includes chatting on the phone. *ahem* once you start, you can't stop eh. mmm.
surprisingly, video exercise 1 did rather well. a B for it. on par with sam's group. quite happy. but dunno how the other groups did or will do. guess now B is the yardstick, unless some group got a B+ or A- or A or A+? haha. anyway all ganbatte ya? ^^ my storyboard got B-... horrible at telling stories and drawing but clear enough i guess. not too bad. i expected worse. haha.
tut ended earlier than expected. had a long lunch, rolled eyes, smirked at my private joke, laughed for real and chilled. then decided to watch some past year FYPs. Grey is really damn good. really a short film in its own right, and not some final year proj. actually i can't wait to watch last year's fyps, although i'm still guilty about one of them. gotta wait for them to be on loan. mmm.
after film studies tut and media mgmt tut, i zaoed home. 301 tut wasn't so bad actually. our group is quite cohesive. me like. anyway should roughly work with somewhat the same people for the actual 301 proj. zzz next week need proposal le. haven't even formed a group yet. Z_Z
no mood to talk during journey home. ya i know i'm antisocial but that's just me, Miss Hard-To-Warm-Up-To-People. guess it's alright. hahaha.
well, stoning time and then a phonecall. gt on his way home. horrible mrt disturbance and bad reception. got cut off after awhile.
idling my time away on the internet, as well as chatting on msn and looking at the companies i can intern at for PI. i'm still undecided and i don't know how. =( need advice please!
this is what happens when you have too many options. zzz.
hmm. as usual got back on the phone again... warming up the phonelines....
aiyah i really wonder sometimes. i really wonder.
last time so adamant about not talking on the phone, but now it's nearly a routine.
should i even try to adhere to your standards or should i chuck you aside like i have done before? but i can't bring myself to. because you are my good friend. it has been established. this greater bond supercedes the fact that you're a guy. and the best thing is, i cannot even remember if i like you still. lol? feeling pretty constant these days, no jumpy feelings like long past.
oh well.
i'm more mature now and i can wait.
maybe i'm a late-bloomer, but i feel indifferent towards many things now.
wanna be more work-oriented.
wanna focus more on year3.
important year.
building the foundation for final year,
building up contacts and relations,
my grades weigh more on my percentages.
21 and 3rd year.
how apt.
dith have you finally started to wake up?
now force yourself to get out of bed.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:58:00 AM
of needs and self-actualization
Abraham Maslow would be turning in his grave in the knowledge that I am about to butcher his theory of the Hierarchy of Needs.
Here's a graphic that would perhaps serve as a refresher or introductory material in reference to what I am about to touch on.
Actually, I assume everyone knows this pyramid like the back of your hand, just like the food pyramid we were introduced to in Health-Ed in primary school.
I know many of us are unhappy. We are a bunch of depressed, world-weary, downtrodden sods who feel like the world is against us in every way.
We complain of neverending work, having too little money to buy what we desire, of not enough sleep, not enough ability to accomplish something, etc etc.
Apparently, only 2% of the world's population fulfil all their needs, as stated on the pyramid. But guess what? Of course, they aren't satisfied still. But the point is, only 2% or so actually get to the top; of needing to satisfy their self-actualization goals - of becoming who they want to be eventually.
Aren't many of us complain kings or queens high up on the pyramid already? We have sufficient nourishment, we're safe and secure, we have our circle of friends, we have at least sufficient self-esteem, although some would have more, and some would have less. Many of us are already on the self-actualization route.
We should consider ourselves lucky. Very fulfiled. Contented enough. Happy.
Imagine those who cannot even satisfy the most basic layer. That of nourishment. Safety has not even come into the picture yet. What more having a social life or self-esteem or self-actualization?
Actually we should take a look at ourselves and consider how lucky we are. No matter how down or fucked up we feel, there will be at least more than half of the world's population having a fate worse than yours.
Especially since this is Singapore we are talking about.
High standards of safety, high standards of living, average income is about $4k.. Even if your income were $1k or less, most probably you still have a roof over your head, you have food, you have friends, you've at least gone to some school.
Ho hum.
Well, I'd still keep complaining about my life and lamenting how bad it is.
Not because I don't realise how fortunate I am,
but because it's one of Singapore's most endeared pasttimes.
Guess you can't change anything huh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:13:00 PM
mata odoritai
aiyah dammit. i really feel like letting my hair down and dancing away to groovy music. like really really bad. i guess the closest to it would be Poptart, but you have all the disgusting smoke. gawd, save my lungs pl0x! and then you have the taxi fare to contend with, PLUS surcharge cos it's waaaay past midnight yet a few hours from dawn =(
second best would be ddr i guess. but quite sian. you need to pay attention to the steps else lose. and audition, you see the nice dancing but use finger press press keyboard. so cheapo. eh audition fans, let's put down the choreography in real dance moves by saving a video of a person who hits all the moves and try them out ourselves. of course, modifying the finishing moves and the breakdancing because there is no way i can spin on my head. hahahaha! butt too heavy!!!!!!
really wanna dance.
if i danced regularly i think can jian fei and keep my weight down. but in the first place, i am too paiseh to dance because of my weight. what paradox is that la. if i am stuck forever in this mentality, there is no way i can get out of the neverending loop what. zzzz.
still waiting for my pay. i wanna cut hair, maybe dye it, do treatment and relax it? hmm dunno. not rebond, i like the waves, but not the qiao. i wanna buy my Topman/77 street cap, i wanna buy more accessories, including a thumb ring to replace the one i lost =( wanna buy more funky clothes and i need more pants. like. seriOusly. and i need to pay my uni fees. and i wanna erm. i dunno larh. i dreamt about it this morning. but i can't seem to dare to do it? i wanna pierce my stupid ears. >_< but very scared. zzzz.
wanna become a chiobu.
i mean i think my looks are not bad =X
but confirmed can be enhanced by many many times.
that's a fact.
hair - cfm can make nicer if got $
body - cfm if slim down sure look nice if got motivation
clothes - cfm can buy nice clothes if got $
makeup - optional but i'm sure if i use will enhance looks
other superficial things like double eyelid or manicure all that also optional, but if have surely enhances looks even more.
but i dunnid so many enhancements.
the natural ones can le.
face is ok, complexion is ok.
just body, clothes, hair.
i think my character also ok.
voice also yue er dong ting (LOL!)
erm also got assets =X
lalala.
see when i got mood then i do something about myself bahs.
if successful i surely can take all the revenge i wanna take. and havoc all i wanna havoc.
=)
but i'm a good girl
(PUKEZ)
so, leaving that till later.
now main goal is studies and being occassionally playful
heh.
maybe take dancing lessons in the near future.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:35:00 PM
mayouchatta
actually wanted to blog about something else, but while the blogger page was loading, some ass msned me with a greeting of 'hi orange fatball'. eh wtf of a greeting is that?
aiyah. after attempting to help out someone, i am now super pek chek with myself because my attempts were weak. ya anyway sort of lost my mood to blog haiz.
realised my new group of friends, the first of whom was gt, and then i got to know more of his friends.. they're so hardworking and kiasu-ated it scares me. but it's good. today i met gt and yw at amk lib and i actually read 3 chapters of the 301 book. -_-? actually the chapters are super short. i finished in 2hrs. blehs.
good but scary influences.
GOSH WHY IS EVERYONE SO KIASU-ATED?!?!?!
i also panic le. HAHAHAHA. wtf
nth much to talk about for today.
hot day, study day, ate at mos burger, etc.
not in a particularly sociable mood also.
not in a bad mood, yet not in a good mood.
at least i got to sleep for 8-10 hours.
come tomorrow, and it will be halved again. blah.
actually i dunno what i'm doing anymore and i don't know what i want anymore. living the life of a wanderer again. but i suppose it's good? good in the sense that i can switch off. but quite lost also. not going in any particular direction. even my dreams, i can confuse them with my real life experiences. my life is just as messy as my dreams are. sometimes really dunno whether some things i do are in a dream or what. names, places, faces, objects, memories... all merged into a single hodgepodge of memory, with no differentiation between the imagined and the real. mayouchatta saa. demo, daijyoubu kana...
raishuu lavender e itte, pasupo-to shashin o toranakereba naranai na. jlpt san kyuu no tame ni da kara saa.
I NEED A GAME TO PLAY
AND IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE A COMPUTER GAME.
i don't mind playing the SIMS, real life version.
mmmm.
need entertainment x_X
and excitement X_x
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:36:00 PM
remote vs local
830am - was hurtling down the PIE in dad's cab. actually i was half-dazed and half-asleep while he drove. ended up fifteen min late for the proj meeting but it was okay anyway because i wasn't the latest and the room wasn't even open yet.
9am - saw us editing our video. our labor of love. sigh sigh. after some color correction, we had to go for the saturday lesson on tracking and media logging software. the tracks were quite fun. haha. can film mtv-esque stuff and follow people around while they walk without weird jerky movements. not 100% smooth but it's cool. cobra tracks. pump air inside. but the air thing is scary. heard it popped someone's eye before. gross. i am never gonna be the one pumping the air if i have to use those tracks next time for my fyp. hahaha. and booyAh. oliver didn't even turn up. z_z sad case. only half the class and two technicians.
12nn - we trooped back to the editing suite. poor us. hahah. but we're quite zai. last to shoot but first to edit i guess? hehe. eh quite bad cos we're sort of 'illegal' but hmm gives us tons of exposure to avid, which is good for us. i'm quite ok with avid already. basic more or less agar know, some options hard to find and dunno what they're for but hmm... blehs. well let's just say we can do simple video editing on it already larhs.
12nn - 5pm
what else? edited whole way through and skipped lunch. bahhh. random problems here and there but heY~ we are 90% done i hope? gosh siaoness.
in between got random calls and smses. dunno why when my phone low batt, people like to call and/or sms me. @_@
of course there was yw who smsed me to laugh at me as usual, first thing in the morning. T_T then you have the usual suspect gt who was bored and feeling out of sorts @_@ den T also called cos i smsed this morning asking if he was going for the MM film forum at nyjc. rh also smsed cos he was bored but i didn't entertain him at all cos i was quite busy.
yar and the room has like weird reception. sometimes no reception at all, sometimes have around 3 bars. maybe it's also cos ntu is like at the far corner of singapore, tucked into its own ulu-ated area hahaha. so signals very hard to travel and always get lost =X
so if i dun reply ur sms or seems like cannot call thru my phone, maybe i'm editing video inside >_<
actually, i feel like that little switch on the dv tape deck. the one that lets you toggle between Remote and Local. i feel like i'm on local mode, controlling people remotely. feels very shiok. yet i do switch to remote sometimes and get controlled or lost in the current without thinking too much.
gt called me a couple of times. break record sia. he was too darn bored at his smu convocation thingy. haha Sark Moneh University. they go special sem also must pay $600 to $700 bucks one. siaO boh? and NTU is free. and it's like so li suo dang ran to me lor? haha wtf?
sark moneh uni wan to build more money making shops in their underground 'shopping complex' ar? make a new citylink there. zzzzz. not enuf money le meh?
actually supposed to meet mu today but haiz. she flu-ing den i editing, so didn't meet. zannen datta T__T futari de tpy ni sundara, dekakerarenai. T__T
we're quite zai man. who said gals can't edit videos? can ok. ^_^ zao-ed to JP for dinnah. actually the western stall at banquet is nice but the portion i feel is rather big but quite worth it. i eat until wan to explode. maybe cos i skipped lunch also. haiz. den kena indigestion ._." ouch...
on the mrt ride home trying to tahan my indigestion so had to go to slp. in the end slp until nearly collapse horizontally on the seat beside me. forgot if got ppl sitting there or not. maybe no one wants to sit beside me? HAHAHA cos when i slp i go all over the place. it's a sight to behold i guess. hAHAHaa. i hope i dun snore.......
just now chatted on phone for 3hr6min29s. i just charged my phone fully. ended up left half batt after that. actually quite zai my phone batt. hahahaha can tahan so long... just like the owner!!!!!!! but tmd the vibration died le.
when i was in the foodcourt, gt called me again. vibration died and it was silent mode but i happened to just check my hp and saw him calling so i answered it. o_O telepathy? HAHAHAHA. alamak he called AFTER i ordered my food. else i will pia to yishun to makan with him. i think wld have been better also. maybe could have avoided my indigestion haiz.
very shagged now but don't feel like sleeping just yet. drank a hot cup of teh tarik. feeling very hot and sticky now. blehs. but kinda drowsy also. ahaha nearing my bedtime of 2am. whee~
topic of discussion today is of power and authority. the psychology of it.
it's not about what your job is, or what's your rank in a company. it's not about employer-employee thing. those i feel, are clearcut, static roles, where you more or less know where the power lies. no no.. what i'm getting to is about between peers. nothing about your elders, nothing about your juniors. more of like between 'equals'. why the aphostrophes? cos although equal in name, but not equal in power.
simple scenario.
some people just act concerned and sympathizing because by figuratively 'patting the other on the shoulder' and 'offering a shoulder to lean on' they portray themselves as the stronger one. there is power and authority in strength.
it makes them feel good.
suspects? those acquaintances. though not everyone is like that la. or some just do it unconsciously. i'm just trying to illustrate.
another scenario.
you're struggling with something and suddenly someone steps in and offers help, making you very indebted to him or her. matter of power and with it comes the superiority and those good feelings of pride associated with it.
of course, take my case scenarios with a pinch of salt. really just from the top of my head and not everyone is like that. some people just wanna help or be there for you because they really do care and it's not about improving their own self concept... well not really. HAHAHAHA.
actually i think i have a very bad streak running within me. feel if a person leans too much on me and tells me a lot of things and i'm close to this person.. i can actually keep track of the person's motions (i only very bad to guys, so don't worry, my gal friends XD) and contact with other people and even influence his thoughts and actions...? well not sure about that. but it does feel i do have an influence. do i also have some power in that sense?
haha maybe i shouldn't write about these bad things about myself, later no guy wanna be my friend wahahhaa. X_X actually, are these self-psychoanalyses? because if i like doing such, should i be a psychologist in the future? a psychoanalyst? hahaha.
well anyway, i like this control. feels good you know, to have some power. i guess i like playing many games. one of them is the power game. see how much i can do, how far i can go, to test my power, test my limits, test my strength. life is short. it's just a game. the extended version of the game of Life. hahaha. can span as long as a hundred years or more. and you're the last one standing on the empty board. with your dice in one hand and your cards in the other, hoping your trump cards will bring you something nice.
still feel guys are weird creatures.
but i'm beginning to understand more and more, kinda like that computer software you master more and more each time you play on it.
ack, my body still aching..... very sleepy now...
maybe i blog tomorrow.
nightz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:18:00 AM
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:51:00 PM
of stabbers and cameras
really quite unhappy now. not only with myself but with someone. well anyway i guess the unhappiness with myself outweighs that of other people, because people are inherently self-centered and our troubles come before others' unless of course, we are trying to avoid our own troubles.
first things first. i am a lousy cameraperson. i know i shouldn't say that because i lack the experience with the big camera, but still, it takes a huge chunk out of my confidence and totally saps me dry. argh. feel damn useless today. fuck.
not much help in the editing suite either, just to make noise. argh!!! zzzz. i go bang wall die suan le. shd be in cr, shd be in cr.
aiyah. and i cannot stand people bitching about other people. especially if the people whom they bitch about are your good friends. like wtf? not even an ounce of tact when you bitch. you can don't say names right? and you should know she's my friend yet you say such bad things about her in front of my face?
yes, i know you have this anal need to be right all the time and argue your case until you are right. but please lah, people don't perform up to your standard doesn't mean they deserve all that crap right? yeah i know uni life is cruel and everyone for themselves. but excUse me LAH.
ya in front of you i put on my mask.
don't even know why i bother.
guess i have a reputation to uphold in sch. gotta be this nice mild soft person. well, whatever. with my physical constraints, that is who i am to almost anyone anyway. put up with shit also can. hardly get angry in real life. even if i do, i don't show it. if you make me angry and you see it on my face and if i do erupt in front of you, please go buy 4D or Toto, cos if that happens then you are really really lucky or you have just made me super super angry.
and another thing. accidentally dao-ed yw because i was in the avid suite and no reception. i feel bad but i know it's not my fault, but i still feel bad.
tomorrow got class. 830am.
it's ok i guess.
oh ya, today was v thankful for the lift home. thx huimin!
haha she is one person i'll feel super indebted to for the next 2 years in CS i guess. hahaha. aiyoh. it's just the small things i guess. somemore can exchange rants about feeling lousy abt being bad DoPs. hahahahaha-sighhhh.
hmm. time to vent on my poor ddr mat. ciaoz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:28:00 PM
fruitloops
actually i was quite happy when i leveled to lv7 in audition the night before. and passed the license quite well. i really like the New York song now. haha.
today was tiring but still quite ok. was quite touched when huimin offered me a pau. =O it's the little things that make you not so tired bahs. 325 is quite gross. but in the middle of it i went to canA to sign up for siggraph. actually i can't stand people who are too bhb. too full of themselves when actually they're just full of shit. bullshit. the poo is piled on top of their heads. pooheads.
ya anyway, was falling asleep in 323 as usual. not say it's boring or what, but my tolerance level was at its limit. oh ya around noontime ah gong smsed me like he said he would with a big "LOL" there. grossss. sms just to laugh at me.
>_<
haha but it's funny. entertaining.
battleship potemkin was interesting. nice silent b&w film. don't see why people thought it was boring. and yeah like prof chua said, it was indeed better than Meepok man. oops hahaha! too bad Mr khoo. can't appreciate rich boy's movies about working class lives when they're not even close to reality.
try living in a one room while trying to earn your living selling peanuts.
maybe then you'd understand.
ya anyway i drank kopi and ate a snickers bar. so happy. snickers!!! been 3 yrs since i've eaten one or longer. wrote many notes on the symbolism in the movie. haha. dunno why academics like to use chim words to talk about simple concepts anyway. can't even remember the term we learnt today zzz.
after that i zao-ed home. saw J at the bus stop and saw him in the bus but chose to ignore him. but he sat down beside me in the mrt. J i find you irksome yet fun to bully online. it's just you i suppose. HAHAHA. just can't stand the way you carry yourself. =)
reached home.. earlier than expected. found ah gong in a bad mood.
actually i'm in a knn mood now also, having just found out i have class this sat 10-12 which means i need to forgo my moving minds forum FUCK? fuck fuck fuck.
ok i'm gonna email AFA and say i can't go le.
fucking hell.
tomorrow's the vid shoot and edit.
hope we do well...
*crosses fingers*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:39:00 PM
playtime
i'm just a playful gal at heart.
although i have no right to be, but this is who i am. but because i have no right to be, and i often see this truth and deny myself the right, i also am a quiet and antisocial introverted gal.
in my mind, it is only those chio and slim gals who deserve the right to be playful, to wear nice clothes, to flirt, to have fun.
me? no fun for me. denied. because i am fat. and ugly. fat and ugly people shouldn't be allowed the same rights because we if we do so, it's er xin. yeah.
and if you talk about social facilitation and social inhibition, i guess if there's no one watching, i have more fun and feel happier. but if the people watching are all my friends, well, we'd all have fun.
hmm. so what's my main point?
i'm just back in low self esteem mode again. feel i am worthless and useless as usual. ugly, fat, unwanted, incapable... zzz. cover my eyes with my hair, look at the floor. that's what i do best.
shouldn't even attempt to 'play' with someone i don't even like that way. might be fun though. see how. it's more of liking the emotions that come with playing rather than the plaything itself. well guys should know what i mean because they do it a lot.
i once had a toy. i tried playing with it because i liked playing with it. but then i got too emotionally attached to it. i have other playthings now, but i still like that one best. unfortunately it's not fun to play with because in the end i'm the one playing with myself and hurting myself on my plaything. the new plaything? just to occupy my time. bottomline: don't play with your food. and don't make friends with your toys. they're. just. toys.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:30:00 AM
bad habits escalating.
muahahahahahha.
might not be a bad thing after all
HAHA.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:10:00 PM
and this is how it ends
haha. rejection. can you handle it? can you take it?
maybe i'm the sort of 'aftershock' person, the kind where something happens and then much later after much reflection you feel the effect.
it's not good to hold it in for too long.
the aftershock hits the hardest.
it knows where hurts the most and targets it.
locked and loaded.
aim and fire.
and that is how it ends.
well, i'm leaning more towards 'i don't give a shit' and 'haiz'.
of course, seeing that i'm a pessimist, i naturally think it's me.
am i too ugly? too filthy? too smelly? too fat?
can't even afford me a hug?
or are you shy? kou shi xin fei (dunno if i used it correctly)? or waD?
whatever man.
actually i don't really care.
don't even feel much, but holding on for the sake of holding on, and cos there's no other target in sight.
i like familarity, yes.
but i also like the new.
new is exciting, new is thrilling.
smsing her for a span of 2 days...
seem to enjoy it..
future sms buddy
future coursemate
future gf?
wish you all the best
i'm outta here.
outta sight, outta mind.
damn sian. forgot to bring water bottle today.
my throat feels like fuck.
i've not enough sleep.
heaty like fuck.
coughing for more than a month also.
but at least i caught The Lake House, and it was not bad.
and now it's time to earn Den for my green windy hair in Audition.
sianz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:31:00 PM
@_@
was abt to slp when kelv called me and he sounded very jialat.
and now it's 1hr44min past my bedtime...
panda time.....
perma-panda.
#_#
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:10:00 AM
just another day
yeah man! i was damn tired today again. lessons as per normal. lectures, friends, proj discussions, makan, jap class, sleep in mrt...
disgusting laaa my sleeping in mrt habit. cannot control one. today i slept on an old man's shoulder and then a gal's shoulder. hAIZ!! i din mean to! LoL. really very tired. headache and felt sick. =(
i think i'm not well la, but i feel fine enough to not declare myself sick. sianz.
today i was super early for jap class. loitering around then gt smsed mi haha. then he called me! =O so we chatted for like 20min. i was like standing in the middle of the street chatting on the phone. =X look like dumbdumb but nvm.
wonders will nv cease. hehe.
made my day. hahaha.
yeah now i have other things on my evil agenda with other ppl.
muahaha tataz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:12:00 PM
monday blues and then some
sian diao.
330am le. only max 4hrs to sleep.
ok let this be a short entry.
today slept like a pig until phone flooded with smses then i only realised until 5pm. ahhh gt msged me as usual telling me to 'Hmm wakey =x" at 230pm. but i didn't know larrr. haha.
aiyah sometimes i reli dunno what our rship is although i clarified it with him le. i say i'm ok with it but sometimes i still want something more. maybe i'm siao la or despo. or something. but ahhhhhhh blehz.
yar anyway nowadays want to blog also nothing to blog. at most give a narrative of events la. and brief summary of thoughts.
played audition with him from 6pm to dunno what time then he left and i played until nearly 10pm. tmd no work done for me again. wasteddddddd la. zzzzz. at this rate i dunno how i'm gonna do work. so addicted to audition and i keep playing although i don't seem to be improving -_-
finally took level 6 license today. cannot enter noob server le WaAaa~! sianz cannot disturb noobs and play yasashii songs hahaha kantan desu yo. but not reli la cos got many pro noobs. zzzzz. anyway i have 1541 den to earn for my green hair. haiz tanoshimi ni suru~
aiyah then chatted awhile on msn, went back to play with benben. he's good la at rhythm but pressing arrows not so good cos lack experience but not as blur as me. sianz. why everyone so gd de?!?!
i should quit playing something i know i will continue to suck at for the rest of my life -.- even if i played it 24/7 for the rest of my life. LOL.
anyway i finished my storyboard (ARGH I HATE DRAWING LAH) and my jap compo (haven't copy out nicely).. zzzzz. tml meeting at 930 to discuss 322 vid ex. 1 and then meeting J to discuss 325 proj. i hope tue i can meet gt to watch movie. but showtimes for lakehouse not favorable haiz unless we meet at yishun as usual haha. think better for him ba cos his leg still not 100%. he said walk too much v xinku.
aiyah i gone case le.
shd stop thinking abt rubbish.
time to brush teeth and sleep before it's too late.
night people.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:26:00 AM
re-screwed slping time
finally my rest day came and gone.
cos i slept most of it away.
played audition ytd until 730am. craziness when i was already dying from super lack of sleep. i woke up at 630am that morning leh. zzzz. 25 hrs awake. gonna kill me soon. coughing and throat hurts. cos of the food i've been eating and not taking care of myself and still coughing after a month. blehs.
attended the film forum. so cool i got to see royston tan in the flesh. ahh my ou xiang. and then the boss of the production house i'm working for recognized me o_o eh and he only saw me once. o_O wow. hahaha. then met 3 other cool producers in the industry. so cool rubbing shoulders with industry players but also quite scary. LOL intimidated dunno wad to say or do. lala.
then i made friends with 2 CS juniors. haha they're nice guys. and quite cool too. =X ahem. LOL! i know someone is a bit jealous. HAHAHA. nvm there's next week =X
met cyn after the thing at city hall to get some stuff. and i really needed to go toilet. HAHA. ya then went to yck for grace's party =D nice party very homely feel. i like. hahaha. very dead tired. crawled back home. but auditioned until 730am wtf.
hmm.
my sleeping on the mrt is very unglam.
mouth open and headbanging lol.
one day i will sleep on someone.....
and droool.....
X_X
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 5:41:00 PM
tartless
shag si wo le.
morning woke up 7am and had delifrance buffet breakfast with sharon, just the two of us.. so romantic! haha. it's good! but our stomach capacity damn low lar. sianz. and i had 2 cups of tea.
settled for Adam's Appples 1045am show although missed the first few minutes but it was a damn good show. love black comedy. catch it people, shiok si wo le!
down to hmv where we went gaga over the offer movie vcds. wtf. my wares are now with sharon btw. chengz met up with us with stories abt a weird stalker and stuff. btw while we were walking around this weirdo walking with arms outstretched nearly hugged/slapped sharon's face. nutcase. shd have just stabbed his crotch AFTER giving him an erection. EwWwww. haha.
did some shopping around. chengz bought her man (yes, man!) a polo tee from topman then went to meet him. me and sharon like 2 zombies then had another cup of tea (my 3rd)... waaaaaaaaaaaa raoz. haha.
then i went off to meet grace n pt to go for cyn's bdae party. haha i keep missing transport and keep being late. sianz. ya party was fun. see her tio sia suay and suan a lot so funny. lolz.
didn't go for poptart cos huimin not going cos she unwell (rest well babe!) and i also very tired until ....... so no poptart for us tonight. am thankful.
tomorrow morning got the forum thingy. then loiter. then grace's partehhh. another bdae bash. hahaa bish bash bish bash mish mash. sure come home shag like fuck and sleep like a baby. sunday too!
i want my pay. i wanna buy a pullover and a cap and accessories amongst other things.
T_T
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:50:00 AM
12 hr sch day
faint. ytd slept at 3am. den today had lesson 930am which means like 5 hours of sleep? oh wells. at least i shd b thankful my dad sends mi to sch.
anyway i like multimedia theory n dev.. not bad can learn after effects. mmm. haha pairing with J for the proj. dunno if it's a gd or bad thing =X
hung out with huimin for the 3hr break. haha... managed to tide thru it.
very very tired during film studies class although it's an interesting class. had to chug down a kopi from the vending machine. and yea, it worked! watched mee pok man also. haha. ok la. eric khoo still not my kind of director but this film was twisted so i liked it in a sense.
i'm v tired but i can still sort of socialize i guess.
at least i can still speak coherently. but all the stupid things come out den make me look stupid nia. but nvm la. HAHAHA. as long as i know i'm not stupid can liao. =)
ho hum then had film making workshop. nice nice nice. got to know more about indie films and shoe string budgets and other constraints and problems yet some perks. whee.
then tmd shag but heng dad drove me home.
tml meeting sharon for delifrance breakfast buffet. waahhaha tmd early i gonna be super panda.
chatting to yw on msn now.
faint he's not v nice to chat to on msn.
i mean, chatting style n speed is good, but some stuff he says i reli a bit bth..
well my policy is can click need to click in 2 aspects:
in real life and online.
i'm very strict for guys esp.
HAHAHA
yawn.
sleep soon.
think i shall wrap up msning and go play audition.
----
btw i forgot to add the main highlights of the day. wtf sia my memory.
i managed to get my 3 day week! so happy~ =)
but i also lost my haematite thumb ring haiz. =(
ok that's all folks. =E
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:18:00 AM
Arigatou for de pressie xDDD
XD iie hope u like it
Kekeke yupz
hah. reli or not reli?
blehz.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:58:00 AM
i'm very addicted to Audition. so if you don't see me online means i'm either in school or playing audition or sleeping.
easily contactable by handphone.
kthxbai.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:47:00 AM
it's upon us...
what will they think of next man...
Viral Advertising
related links:
the blog
video
bo liao.
the things ppl do to get ppl to sit up and take notice.
and for money too.
bahhh. ppl in PPC.. this is ur future. watch out. bleh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:35:00 AM
birthdays
9th august.. so many ppl share the same bdae as the nation lolz. my fren said it's because december is nice and cooling to encourage copulation? haha. diao~ gt's bdae today.. old old le.
today had to go back sch for the knn lesson.
but it wasn't knn la. i enjoyed it.
=)
finally can put a face to the name that called me asking abt swapping tutorials and he's in my grp. lolz. and he managed to swap ^_^
hmm after tut we discussed proj (LOL so fast hor -_-) den i met kamling to go photocopy stuff n collect grace's book and den went popular to look look den i went back cs and took bus to JP. hmm collected the stuff den went looking for the newly shifted library. wa biang.. far. LoL. that time already 230+ le den i took mrt..
eh quite paiseh cos v long time nv go ppl's house oso but in the end i stayed at bdae boy's house till 1030pm. haha. met his much-talked about fren, yw. den my first words were like 'hello.. i heard a lot abt u. haha'
WAHAHHAA.
ya den gt's cousin also went to his house. wa like mini gathering. but nv talk to his cousin oso. den his parents came home not to mention his grandma already in the house. haha but ok la. mmm. and i saw his knee! swollen knee~~ his cousin said 'u got fat'. hahaa!!! but reli one knee big one knee small haha. was watching his fren yw play ps2 the whole day. fatal frame zomg LOL i can't believe i go watch but it's not scary. if i can take it, i think it's not scary. but i'm also not the one playing it ma!! controller will vibrate de.. heng i not playing LOL. den sound also turned quite low. so not scary and we keep laughing at the ghosts in the game. and nice atmosphere so i not scared oso. they oso laff at me when i was scared. HAHA toopid.
i passed him his present.. dunno if he's opened it yet. maybe tml he'll open it. mmm. oH today i went his house den i saw a white cat with brown and black spots sitting outside leaning against his house wall the outside there under his room window.. just sitting thr like v shuang. O_O and i heard from yw it's not the first time a cat was spotted thr. last time got a black cat. wAAAAAAaa harem sia. HAHAHA. den gt said ya lor, he attract dem de pengz. his fren yw v funny altho he from hcjc i can click with him. haha chatted yi da dui on the walk back to the mrt.
dat means i made another fren!
(i think)
HAHA. ok lar damn tired.
reached home 11pm or so lor.
really missing out on nights of gaming and msn but that's alright because i'd rather be outside with frens than stuck at home. although i love my comp and i love chatting and i like gaming.. now not so much love of gaming le cos a bit sian haiz.
got storyboard to do over the holiday..
got fireworks to watch!!!!
=))
thurs super packed n bz.
fri equally so.
sat not sure yet about morning but evening got hurhurhur some impt event on HAHAHA!!
sunday is time to slp in long long.
monday back to the grind FULL TIME.
wah SIaN.
sian but happy la.
=)
headache but happy also la.
XD
tired but happy~
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:21:00 AM
it's time to die
quickie post here cos my sis needs the comp for ipw in a bit.
today transpired the first day of year3. i am now officially a senior with a division. gosh i feel so.. not old.. advanced? bleh.
i slept for a total of 3hrs. had a dream where i was swimming in a country of ice and the water literally froze me. everytime i froze, i had to restart and swim again. but the water just kept getting colder and colder and i froze faster and faster each time. in games like these, cheat codes are needed.
and then i was in an underwater tunnel/maze, where i only had a straw for my emergency needs. really felt like i was choking and drowning and suffocating in the dream and i was gasping for air a lot. haiz.
indeed, i woke up at 730am gasping for breath and heard there was one sms received. zzz. fitful dozing till 830am when i finally woke up and went to sch. damn fucked up la, this week no tut and i was all-prepared for tue to be free but NOOO i have a class tomorrow. video 1. z_z haiz. oh wells. i can at least carry out half my plans?
ya sch today.. i was actually anticipating it. 322 lect was ok. at least ian's humor is more familiar than andrew's for 301. z_z but i have a proj pending already like wtf. so fast i wan to die le. no mood to do work haiz. ok after that went to the cca fair to walk around. i think i'm gonna join the siggraph cca la. got 'zi ji ren' inside. CS yr 2s. haha quite nice ppl.
good thing peiting and grace had a 5min lecture so my break wasn't spent alone. i saw junjie also haha. the only my-age guy freshie i saw -_- wa sad. hmm. then 301 lect. nearly falling aslp. v shag.
then off to JP for us and then off to jap class for me.. wa learnt nth much in jap class today. totemo tsumaranakatta. z_z yar anyway i got the jlpt reg forms but now don't have passport size photo to paste haiz.
bought a hairband. surprisingly i look nice in it. hehe.
ok la saves me the trouble of making one.
ahhh~~ v shag. later when my sis uses the comp to do her proj work, i think i shall go write postcard and wrap present.
=)
k she's out! *gonez*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:17:00 PM
coffee vs tea
title of this entry kinda reminds me of one time in jap class. sensei said the oral test qn was smth about do u drink coffee? if no, then she'd ask if u drank tea. then she'd ask whether you put sugar in your coffee/tea. haha.
ko-hi- o nomu?
iie, nomanai.
jaa, koucha o nomu?
hai, nomu.
satou o irete nomu?
hai, koucha ni satou o irete nomu.
or
iie, koucha ni satou o irenai de nomu.
of course i use plain form la.
lazy to be formal.
=X
and i use short sentences also.
lazy use long long.
muahaha.
hmm i like today. =)
turned out well.
seems my days always go well when i meet my friends or do new things or explore some places. haha.
i decided to sleep in today.
it was a conscious choice.
i guess it's good i can actually CHOOSE whether i wanna sleep in.
i really need to master waking up ON TIME by MYSELF.
yes, i lack discipline.
guess now i prefer waking up early because i feel there are things to do and i don't wish to waste my day sleeping in and then realising i'd missed the opportunity to go somewhere do something meet a friend etc.
the feeling of actually doing something overrides the feeling of sleeping in.
although i do love sleeping, i seem to not do it a lot these days.
the time now is 315am and i need to wake up at 8am tomorrow for class.
guess that illustrates the whole situation well. heh.
what's that proverb again?
ren shan nan gai, ben xing nan yi?
changing people's behavior and habits is as hard as moving a mountain?
aka an unsurmountable task. mmm.
yes i have many bad habits that are harder to move than mountains.
=)
not shy to admit that.
shyness and paisehness goes out the window.
i've decided to throw the un-needed shyness and paisehness of myself away.
or at least, keep it in storage.
because you see, with those 2 walls blocking my path, i cannot walk on the green grass and instead squish through the muddy field or the rocky pebbled undergrowth that is bad for the soles of my bare feet.
i can strip shyness and paisehness of their basic characteristics and wall-like behavior and strap them to my feet and use them as shoes as i step onto the grass, be it muddy or rocky, i'll be well-heeled for the most part.
shyness and paisehness, i will not let you get me down.
guess that is one goal of mine.
actually, although you always turn to me for assurance and advice and as a listening ear, i am very grateful for the things you have done for me although you don't see it. by psychologically dissecting you, i've gained new perspectives and new insights. you have added onto my psychological make-up. you turned my 3-room-hdb flat into a 5-room-flat. anyway i am not aiming for a condo with a swimming pool or a semi-D or a bungalow. too lonely too high up too isolated. i like the community in my head, the ever-bustling 5-room-hdb flat with its kpo aunties and cockroach squashing uncles and screaming brats that grow up into silent teenagers and the lift lobby that connects us all. i like the vicinity; the convenience of amenities and public transport. mmm. i like it.
there i go again, launching into another abstract analogy. hehe.
as for progression, i am certain already, yet i am moving forward. i think you know yet you don't know and i know you know although you don't know. and i know what you don't know.. you know? heh.
i'm not moving away.
i'm move with the flow.
why hide? why escape? why run? why shy away? why shrink back? why... paiseh?
i don't feel any awkwardness, to say the least.
things just continue normally on.
but i have stated my case, i have seen your stand, yet without revealing anything or it being awkward.
yeah, nothing can determine the future, no one can say for sure.
things change too fast and too easily.
just accept and move in the direction that makes you happiest.
even if it doesn't, you chose the path you tread on, be it covered in spikes, mud, grass, carpet or pavement.
you jolly well walk the path you've chosen.
walk on, walk strong, never falter.
like the fire-walkers during the festivals.
if they falter, if they stop, if they stand and think,
the pain will flood to them.
the pain will intensify.
thus, they are not true fire-walkers.
i think everything is all in the mind.
your mind is filled with goal achievement, ambition, school, university, adversary (knee) and whatever it is you think about.
my mind is filled with different primary goals. your goals are my secondary goals and my primary goals are your secondary goals, stashed at the back of your decision-influencing thoughts.
in other words, not in your frontal lobes but maybe in your semi/sub consciousness.
it's a matter of perspective and decision-influencing thoughts.
(yes, they even decide for you what you should think about and mull over.)
well, forgive if i assume, but i think you have, well, a pleasant impression of me and generally good feelings when associated with me. why else would you keep coming back?
and i, the same.
the difference?
subconscious and the conscious.
for you, these translate into friendship because only friendship is on your mind when you are bogged down by heavier matters.
(your primary priority is goal-oriented and academically-oriented)
for me, these translate into feelings of like because, like i mentioned, i seem to be the kind of person who has an emotional need. or maybe, an illusion of wanting to fulfil an illusory need. truth is, i am fulfiled emotionally. but i am just greedy and my primary goal is different from yours. your primary goals are my secondary goals.
A: actually beginning i put [you] under consideration oso =X
B: well u should~ LOL
A: =X but mei you fa zhan in dat way so ... LOL
B: lolz anyting is still possible in de future
A: haha the future is the next second lolz
B: but [my] future revolves around uni now
A: hahaha
B: future future ba
A: mine revolves around whatever makes me happy cos i'm a hedonist ma
{etc etc}
A: hmm anyway u can still go into the consideration list if u make efforts ;)
B: LOL *caught [A]'s hint* xD
A: haha honestly, i dun mind.. but if things dun go that way also ok.. hahaha
B: haha ya.. being frens is a nice state currently...so we shall keep it as dat xD
A: XD
well i think it's insightful if you look beyond the boliao part.
it's kinda asking a direct qn subtly.
and i think i'm becoming more and more direct now.
is that good or bad?
heh.
ya anyway, i still haven't launched into my narrative.
(damn, 4hrs to slp)
i think when i decide to sleep in, suddenly people will decide to contact me. had 3 people smsing me this morning while i was sleeping/dozing. i can hear the sms come in and i read it but i either leave off replying till later when i am more coherent, or type in a reply and then doze off again.
first was wilson regarding the toys. haha. didn't reply immediately cos i needed to think, and my day's plan also not confirmed. then sharon about movie. ahaha. yeah man. replied. during that sms conv, gt also smsed asking where i was cos he needed my advice. that got me out of bed, and the fact that my mom announced got prata, and that it was already 1pm and that i was already more or less awake due to chatting to sharon via sms. haha.
haha. today chatting on msn was fun. then i met wilson to collect the WanRoom gashapon lololz. tmd cutE! even my mama says it's cute. HAHA. so happy. then also bought teh gao up for me and mom. by the time i un-afked, saw ki flew to bugis le. arranged to meet her there hehe. met her 2 friends also! *_* chiobu.. i wan~~~ muAhahhaa.
ya walked around looked at things, ("mado-kaimono") then chilled at TCC. muahaha. yeah man. i like hanging out with her more and more~ actually developing a liking that's scarily similar to liking a guy. but i know how to separate such feelings. anyway after years of trying to like girls that way, still fail. muahaha. but this shows that maybe the 'hao gan' i occasionally feel abt some guys is similar to the 'hao gan' abt gals. so maybe i am just mixing up friendship de 'hao gan' towards guys with liking them as more than a friend.
hmm.
anyway i think more like a guy now.
imparting guys' ways of thinking into my already very guy brain.
just another aspect of a guy that i learn and develop.
i have a new motto.
(yeah i come up with mottos at 4am -_-)
zhuo ren gan gan zhuo. sheng huo gan gan huo!
lame! ahaaha but my chinese cmi so please, my motto is in chinese, gimme some credit kay? wAhahahaha!!!
okay. sleep.
this sem is a time for achievements and goal-setting.
where i shift my thinking into deeper realms,
where i mould relationships and nurture them or egg on their development.
where i chase the tide and the waves because they will never wait for me.
where i can run freely without meeting any walls or dead ends but of course i will meet problems.
but i won't let them get me down.
i will live life so that i am happy with the way i live it.
so i can look back and feel that perhaps there was some meaning to once have been alive, afterall.
but spur me on, gentle night breeze,
and i will chase your cloud.
be it with or against the direction you blow.
you cannot keep me off the ground for long.
my feet, they just keep walking.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:08:00 AM
of paradigm shifts and goal achievement
mmm. i have finally reached the conclusion i should have reached many years ago. but i just turned 21 not long ago, so well, better late than never aye? seems i have found a deeper understanding within me. mature? dunno. but i guess certainly less rash, more calm and collected, can sit down plot carefully, plan carefully?
and this understanding has developed from listening to people older than i am. from listening to how guys view their world. from careful observation and analysis. from cross-examination of myself. application of theory. muahaha. now i feel like i'm a scientist inspecting things through a microscope. cross examination. dissection. vivisection. i told gt over the phone today, in jest no doubt, but there's some truth to the statement anyhow.
"i like to psychologically dissect people."
haha! but yeah. i guess this is how my 'too much thinking' which leads to insomnia which leads to depression which leads to intermittant bouts of mania and then back to too much thinking cycle goes about. i like to think too much, overanalyse until it's not healthy.
but since now i've found this new perspective on things, i can sit back and watch myself psychologically dissect stuff until they fall apart, until the cows come home, but maintain my stoic self?
i hope so. haha.
i know what makes you tick.
i know how the cogs of machinery are connected.
i know the programming language you run on.
i know.
just like Mr Anderson in the matrix, i now see!
the workings of this intangible world, laid out before me now.
it's conscious really. or rather, it can be conscious.
mmm. i suppose it's hard for you, my dear reader, to understand from your vantage point. you have to be stuck in the situation, stirred around like an ant in hot coffee until you feel like you're gonna be sick, and your puke steams up, and then you wonder if you're gonna be cooked and sick. but then as things black out and you go under, with the bits of undissolved sugar and coffee grains, you suddenly see things first through the coffee's perspective, then the cup's perspective, then the spoon's. and finally the drinker.
coffee is about choices.
you choose what you want to put inside it.
milk? sugar? creamer? brown? refined? artificial? how much to put in?
personal choices and preferences also play a part i guess.
but you can't drink the coffee you like all the time and any time you want it.
not all the correct ingredients are available on the table the whole time.
so you choose.
sure, you might stick to a particular brand of coffee maybe out of habit, out of convenience, out of price, out of availability, etc. your sugar... raw, refined, artificial? perhaps out of circumstance (diabetes perhaps) or other health reasons. how about milk? some go without milk. some go without milk AND sugar. they like their coffee black. even black coffee can be (even more) lacking. not rich enough, not fragrant enough, not black (?!?!) enough.
well, you get my drift.
so you are the coffee.
and.
i am the tea.
never crossing, different plants, different realms, different fans.
but both are similar in so many ways.
coffee and tea go well together in a cafe.
but you know,
some people never mix the two;
never considered such, have you?
but mix the two..
i guess they would go good together (as i've tried)
although coffee's taste somewhat overwhelms tea's.
nevertheless,
tea is a stayer. and oh so versatile.
mmm.
vague as usual.
full of weird analogies.
well, i understand it (doh).
that's enough.
as for goal setting and achievement,
i really am stepping on the gas AND getting somewhere.
mmm.
or so i feel.
i'm good.
yeah yeah.
managed to convince him to chat on the phone with me.
and call me too!
wahahaha.
i'm good.
CIRCUMSTANCES you are good to me!
TIME FOR SCH TML AW SHUCKS.
maybe i'll run a narrative by you later, bloggie.
need to attend to msn.
feel damn paiseh about ignoring msn in bits and pieces.
erk.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:11:00 AM
This is my blogchalk:
(.. ) ( .. ) ( ..)
`/.tagGiE~.\'
To Do List - JAN
.devote&resolve
.stevie
.jog
.plan for poison
To Do List - FEB
.3rd MUSE
.13th - 16th: HCNY
.jog
.work x3
.plan for poison
To Do List - OTHERS
.make pyong the fox for my sis (bought materials)
.clean my ps2 lens
.read more thought-provoking books
.start writing again (poetry/songs/prose)
.study philo/random theories/psychology
.study business theories
.tidy the place
.actually BUY a swimsuit
.learn how to swim
.bake
.design wall mural for room
.learn how to knit/crochet properly
.print my grad photos
HOSHII MONO
.ryokou
.phD/masters behavioural psychology
.BANANA.BANAO
.shiawase
.yasetai