Sunday, March 30, 2008

once again

i open this page and i'm at a loss for words. xD
think it deadens my brain cells.

hmm, do you know that toys unknowingly make a social commentary?
like, take for example Polly Pocket.
i'm sure everyone has played with those dolls at some point or another.
they used to be so tiny, in their tiny homes that you could carry around (literally) in your pocket.

look at the size of them now, the doll is small enough for the pocket but i dunno about their houses.

so where's the social commentary here?

my mom made a comment about pockets when we went shopping one day. because she said those dolls aren't so cute anymore.

and then i said, yes.
it is a social commentary about how pockets are getting deeper.
thus the dolls also become bigger to accomodate those bigger and deeper pockets.
$$$ you know.

ok, nonsense rambling from me again.
heavy rain and 2hours 20min to my japa lesson.
lazy to move to the bathroom to have my bath.
got a load of things to clear although things have started winding down.
gotta prepare to graduate.

no more tee shirts for me!
(but how can i resist?)
haiz...

i have a weakness for tshirts, jeans, toys and all things cute and bright.
die, i sound like a magpie.
my essay writing skills have deteriorated.
sigh sigh.
there's no more heart left in my writing. very sad.

and somehow i can never find something substantial to write in this blog of mine.
blahhhhh.

anyway, sis has applied for uni and successfully paid the registration fee(s).
hoping she'll get what she wants la.
i come out of uni, she goes in...
think will only know mid or late april to early may?
another person in ntu? or will she go to nus?

feeling damn lethargic nowadays.
like i think i sleep too much.
but i had an exciting spy dream today.
and i dunno what's this building that kept appearing in my dream.
did i keep calling it suntec?
no idea, but definitely didn't look like.
another constructed piece of dream architecture.
think watched too much of that game show where the guy has to deduce the identity and vocation of people.
i had a tablet pc open and i was trying to deduce who my enemy was.

actually woke up feeling quite fresh at 10am, dunno why felt so damn lethargic when i dropped back to sleep.
always like that.
oversleeping is bad for you.
as a result i feel even more tired and lazy.

k, gotta prepare to go to japa.
buhbyes!
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:09:00 PM

Friday, March 28, 2008

leaving...

so scary.
in a few weeks i will be rid of university.
then it's only to wait around to see what results i will have and my final transcript that will culminate in me graduating with honors (but dunno what type) and wearing square hat and robe in july...
OMG.

so fast i'm gonna be done le.
i can't believe it.
then time to enter the working world.
omg.

no more tshirts for me.
no more slack clothing.
no more shitty hours of sleeping.
no more immature doings...

time to grow up~
but i will always like toys and games.
muahaha.

time to act more adult.
time to dress more adult.
time to speak more adult.

oh, i went for an interview on thurs.
1hr + 1.5hr aptitude test. essay with mathematics.
but i could do =o
guess maths is for life =p

hai...
excited but also scared.
with fyp over..
university going to be over..
feels like there will be a hole within me..
something missing.
jumping into the unknown and cruel politics of the working world.

changing aspirations:
get a house of my own
support my sister's education
earn enough money to buy a new comp
pay my own bills
buy clothes with my own money

oh ytd after interview i went shopping.
1 dress pants
1 dress
1 shirt
1 toy!

oops, the toy looks out of place.
shop with mama.
pity my foot after wearing the white office shoes, v pain.
pain pain pain.
i think i have arthritis.
rheumatism.
eeee.

den those idiot bites never go away.
sai sai
ytd my dad rubbed garlic on it. =O
lol.

slept for 13hours.
never slept so long in the past few weeks.
feels so good!

yum.
me wanna sleep sleep.
after clearing the essay still got shit to clear. sad sad.
cut trailerS cut more dvds cut cut cut.
chop chop chop.

grad grad grad soon. omg.

and sis going into univ after i come out.
hope she gets what she wants.

sleepy life =x
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:37:00 PM

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

whoa.

submission of fyp didn't feel like a big relief.
and it still doesn't feel like i'm gonna be a university graduate.
seems like only yesterday i was thinking how the hell would i get past secondary school, junior college and manage to get into a uni.

sem is drawing to a close.
although fyp's submitted, there's still a lot of stuff to be done.
clearing my final essay, clearing my final examination, clearing the fyp presentation, clearing all the things fyp left behind, cutting dvds for talents, friends and crew...

time to look for a job.
in the process of doing so.. but worried about tomorrow. LOL but i'm too sleepy to think about it... feeling very lazy now.

hmm.
wondering if i should hawk the dvd along the roadside =x

bleh...
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:55:00 PM

Monday, March 24, 2008

this morning i accidentally rejected a phonecall cos i thought it was my alarm.
but the number looked strangely familiar... and after some deliberation (and of course research online to see if the number was indeed from that locale i suspected it to be) i called back.

and yes! my hunch was right.

interview this thurs 830am...

good luck to me!

wah my friendster horoscope really rather accurate this time.
and for other things too.

wonder...
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:46:00 AM

Friday, March 21, 2008

remind me never again to go out with someone who smells funny, acts funny, and has rare contact with females. even if there is a free tee shirt up for grabs. scary type of ppl, plus overly friendly at times OMG.

i KNOW i sound like a total BITCH right now. but the feeling really is quite irksome... scary if the person starts to develop a liking for you too... wtf don't call me 'hime-sama'... i'm not a hime and i'm not your hime.

but it's not entirely his fault. really rings true, go out with someone you like if your mood is bad, not someone who is......... ugh.

and i thought i was mature enough. guess i was wrong. or maybe there's just a particular kind of person that one will not like to go out with (or be seen with, for that matter), no matter how mature one is.

sigh sigh sigh.
rather then to go around looking for the sorbitol that tastes like sugar, why don't i just look at the sugar from a distance. but then if i do, i will never know how sweet sugar tastes.

but does it matter?
i dunno.
going under... down down down.

i need sugar.....
*goes look for some in the kitchen*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:25:00 PM

last resort

before i became absolutely nuts from my depressive spell, i turned to glance to my left hand side and the last bit of hope stared back at me; those cute little panda eyes gleaming with anticipation; inviting me to partake in the happiness.

and it was then that i smiled.

and reached forward to grab the container of yanyan that mu had given me a few weeks ago. always didn't want to eat it. but i'm too depressed, i suppose chocolate dip and colorful sugar sprinkles would help a bit. plus i'm so hungry. didn't eat because i had absolutely no appetite.

i know i'm very mean for complaining about the company. at least i had company, right? and i know i'm not being truthful because actually we can talk. but just UGH. never again. UGH!!!!

very antisocial right now. dunno what's wrong with me. been in a slump for a few weeks now, trying to ignore it; trying to deny it... haiz. to no avail. but at least all the extra weight i put on previously is gone. lol. lose and gain weight damn fast. zzz. just wanna curl in a corner and hide away until i disappear...

yucks. this is one of the worst bouts of depression this year.
but it kinda feels nice too...
to get swallowed up by a warm engulfing sadness...
kinda like submerging yourself in the swimming pool...
submerge for too long and you will die.

soon soon...
it's all a matter of time.

everything's pointless...
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:46:00 PM

Thursday, March 20, 2008

nothing's on my mind right now except a wave of sadness

dunno. suddenly am feeling down. and i have run out of thing's to say, antics to pretend with. i feel awkward and dumbstruck now.

sometimes i look back at myself in the mirror and think of how dreadful a person i am. other times, i just smile a sly smile and stare at the other side of me that hides behind that sheen of glass.

what am i doing? what have i done? what will i do?

oftentimes i think i am not governed by reasoning but by impulse. sheer impulses that dictate what i should do, where i should go... that guide my fingers to send smses even. but if impulse is how i really feel - without restraint - then shouldn't that be a good thing?

see, the thing about running on impulses is that you might get hurt. your impulse never thinks before it tells you to ACT. who knows, those renegade neurons might misfire and electrocute your brain.

but i live life through spontaneous impulse.

and like binge drinking and binge eating sessions... i know i will regret it later.

but some things are only done through sheer impulse. and while they may be wrong, they don't leave a sense of regret. instead there is this feeling of accomplishment that i would never have had if i didn't run on impulses. things that i do yet everything screams within me not to. even down to the simplest of things, like ignoring my massive pile of assignments to run out and catch a movie. that's an impulsive action too.

and then i am rendered speechless again. what did i do? why did i have to do that? and what the hell just happened? as if i was governed by those impulses alone - the reasonable part of me struck unconscious into a stupor that can only observe the impulse taking over.

so i sit here now, thinking. w-w-where am i?

and i vaguely remember watching a movie. The Leap Years.

and it reminded me of many things, yet it's easy to dismiss it as a work of fiction. but i can't dismiss it as a work of fiction. it can be a very real situation. an extended yet happier situation. the fragments, the remnants. and it gets me thinking.

so is my life a movie? or reality?

i've always lived in my imagination. i'd most certainly hope the answer is the former. reality is empty. reality is dank. reality is muted and grey. my movie is filled with patches of light and dark, color and none. sometimes the music screeches in my ears, other times it becomes a low hum in the background. at times the dialogue makes no sense, like a badly dubbed movie with the lip sync all out of place. other times it becomes indistinguishable from everything else, and the cuts disappear for a moment.

but my imagination, that's where i wanna live.

if my imagination is a fantastical story with a happy ending, i wanna keep it.
if reality is what i see before me... i dunno what i see anymore.
can't wear shades when what you see is in your mind.
when you sleep, it haunts your dreams and becomes your nightmare.

and the low hum, it's everywhere.
making me wonder if everything is real and why are we here at all?
i'm confused; all the more i feel like screaming out some old song i wrote that no one liked.

but i liked it.
but i wonder.

and i wonder.

mix my truths with lies and they are all one and the same.

the dreadful person that is i.

time to bury myself in work.....
surely this is not a good sign for my mental well-being...
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:09:00 AM

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

of reconcilation and change

this morning i nearly rejected a call when i was sleeping.
thank goodness i didn't. why? because it turned out to be a phone interview for a job in a well-established research company.
i hope she couldn't tell i was sleeping =X because she actually asked if she was disturbing me in class. hehe.
*prays*
if they shortlist me, i'll be going for an interview this or next week =D
*time to seek formal attire*
hope my interview then will go well too ^^
i don't mind working for them =X

that aside, it's kinda ironic when you learn asian film and see the themes and desires to reconcile in a lot of korean film due to their political environment. and you yourself, you have to reconcile many things. but before the week about reconcilation and korean cinema is over, someone i had hoped to reconcile with appeared and gave me the opportunity to.

i don't know if it is a semblance of or real reconcilation. but his wounds, i suppose, will always be there. he seems dejected but still the same. at least the silence was broken. funny, very very sharp. because i was using another account that i hardly use and he could sense it was me. and still say the playing style was similar o: chatting style similar i can understand, unless i totally bastardize my english by 'twittering'. he said he could sense because he knows that nick of mine (but couldn't really confirm or remember) and somehow the rate of me catching his perfects in couple dance mode is by far the highest? hmm. this is interesting, this playing style thing.

anyway, quite glad managed to move past the cold war. why i logged in another char was that i thought he would ignore or quit game upon seeing me.

although i did what i did the last time, i will always be tied down my my conscience and guilt. that is how i take the backlash each time. not say suffering, but it did bother me quite a bit.

anyway he is not angry with me already.

anger will give way to disappointment and a faded memory i suppose.
even the sea can make craggy rock smooth yet worn over time.

for a few days now, i've been meaning to blog about changes. how experiences change a person, tweak their mind in ways that they still retain their individuality but with a different outlook, a wiser and more profound insight for most cases.

i've been changed by the experience of fyp.
i thought i was patient, but there are still things that make me blow easily.
i have learnt to swallow the fire within, to learn how to work hand in hand and to veil the conflict.
no one is perfect. situations change people, situations change things. and situations change relationships.
i was suffering from cognitive dissonance for the longest time. that's why it was so tough to endure. but slowly, i am removing and coming to terms with it.

no one is perfect.

and through all the isolation with the same group of people, the need to break out once in awhile and to see new people; new things, has led me reconciling my friendship with a few people whom i couldn't stand the last time. my reasons are just weird. for the smallest nuances, i will find going out with certain people weird and disturbing although we are good friends. think i'm sensitive to behavior and appearance. which is, a backward psychological disability on my part.

but i've learnt to look beyond that. to appreciate people for who they are and to ignore the peripherals. i believe i've said this before in an old entry.

i've changed.

and even my attitude towards my proj has changed.

i used to hate it for what it embodied. but now when things are more relaxed and tensions are fewer, i actually have some hopes for it. i am hopeful for my fyp.

i've grown up from the experience. and although i've had a very nail-biting time, i am glad i had this experience. for all the pain it has caused me, it has been worth it. only deadlines will tell how the film does. =P

and another friend of mine whom i've known close to 6 or 7 years? (omg has it been so long?) he has changed too.

i met him recently to go to the IT show and i'm actually quite impressed by the little changes in him. when i first knew him, he was shy around girls, quite an introvert i suppose? then gradually after he warmed up to me, i didn't notice any changes because we became quite good friends. then i met his friends, i like them! very funny and relaxed people. feel comfortable around them.

what has changed about him after going through 2+ months of NS...

essentially still the same, but more mature. i can sense his maturity. although he is only a year younger than i am, sometimes he would behave quite childishly and make stupid jokes -_- but he's become more mature o_o and of course, through NS you will become fitter. looks much better now and frankly, botak looks nicer than his old hairstyle. neater. and become more gentlemanly. o_o haven't seen him for 3-4 months and changed quite visibly so. it's good =) little boys grow up, become men. and the best thing is, he is still himself.

the beauty of changing through experiences is the retainment of the essence of the self.
the beauty of changing through experiences is the upgrading of the essence of the self.
the beauty of changing through experiences is the improvement of the essence of the self.

you change, you stay the same.
:)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:23:00 PM

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:29:00 PM

Sunday, March 02, 2008

flat-OUT

notice that i haven't blogged for some time.
even the leap year jumped over me unnoticed like i was some miniscule hurdle.
i have no time, nor much desire to blog.
been flooded with things that arose out of my own doing and also the mundane things that have to be done; the legitimate things i SHOULD be doing.

i should feel guilty.
playing games when i should be doing work, going out to watch movies with friends when i should have gone to the job fair, staying at home and sleeping sleeping sleeping when i should have gone to school or woken up to do some work.

i am guilty.
i say i will repent, but i can't.
maybe i am not motivated enough.
my body can't wake up, my mind has died.
the moment i close my eyes, the next thing i know it's 1 in the afternoon.
wtf.

when will i ever see 9am again?
hopefully monday i can wake up.

wondering if i really am so tired or is it because i am just lazy.
wondering if it is really because my lethargy is due to lack of exercise and staring at the computer the whole day (yes gaming makes one tired, and even work-related comp stuff).
wondering if it really is the aftereffects of the overnight shoot + edit that i didn't sleep off properly acting up late.

been doing some work, no doubt, but i feel like i haven't accomplished much.
think tonight i will finish it up and then do bits of my report and readings to boot.
sigh sigh.

semester break is over and nothing is done.

wholly disappointed with myself.
if this goes on, i will stop respecting myself.
and that, would be a horrendous thing to do -_-

sigh.

anyway jap class in a bit. it's raining as usual, don't feel like going out but i must.
don't pay 500 bucks to let it fly away.
somemore i need to improve my japa. feel like a total idiot in that class when i don't understand much and that fellow yabbering on with the sensei wTH.
at least i did try to study for kanji test. =p
later on in mrt i will study some more.

feel like isolating myself from the world.
there's nothing much left in it that excites me, really.
my passion comes as quickly as it goes.
i wanna travel but i'm scared too.
i'm scared of working overseas too.

i wanna eat good food, wear nice clothes but all these things need money money and more money and i don't have any.
anyway i'm gonna graduate soon.
better highlight hair green before i go out to work.

no one would employ someone whose mouldy soul has manifested on her hair. lol.

feel so unmotivated, discouraged, disappointed, disabled, uninspired.
and been eating and eating and eating random junk.
argh.
expanding too.
sigh sigh.

aiyah whatever.
late for class.
gtg bathe.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:27:00 PM