Saturday, December 07, 2002

i think i'm in quite alot of shit now.. the other day i went for the sa/cj party at lush... an all gals' night.. and everyone was asking me to go... even my friend's godbro offered to pay for me.. at first i was uncertain... supposed to save up money to repay the gp fund that i used to do my hair... but in the end, i went...
that day i had cip in the morning... kids. i dun reli like them.. altho i act like a kid quite alot i should be able to relate to them easily.. but dunno... do they intimidate me? sometimes when they look at me i feel they're more knowing and sharp than the adults who raise them.. minds uncorrupted by society, undulled by by-the-book learning... i dunno.. but i would like to be a kid forever.. innocent yet knowing.. treating everything new they see and touch as a great experience.. not needing to worry about worldy cares.. no taxes to pay, money to earn.. economics is only how much 5 sweets would cost from the friendly man at the nearby mama shop... politics is who to 'friend' and who not to.. who to play with... no schedules to follow.. only eat sleep play... even studying isn't a chore.. one can easily breeze through exams..

i miss my childhood.. i can only remember fragments of it.. broken bits of memory, glittering brightly then fading slowly as i seemingly 'mature' , age... they look like the fading photographs i have of myself as a youngster.. yellowish, preserved, treasured... when nothing mattered in the whole wide world other than your mommee or your daddee.. your toys...

ugh.. i better break outta this frame of mind.. i should be living in the NOW not the THEN... reliving wastes time.. it's true.. i can spend one entire perfectly good day lazing in bed, reliving the same thing over and over in my head.. but for what? the feelings felt at that moment can never be recaptured EXACTLY as they were.. the glory, the triumph, the happiness, even the sentimentality....

so anyway, i went out with a sec sch friend after cip..then i came home around 5pm.. after a shower and a bit of dinner i met my friends again.... first time going clubbing.. didn't reli know what to expect... we had to borrow ids.. but i got allowed it.. we all got allowed in.... eventually.. *shrug*
i didn't expect it to be quite wild at first... but later i got used to it.. i realised that perfect strangers would start dancing with each other, touching.. even kissing... whoa... i guess for some of the guys it's more of a "let's take advantage of the situation man.."... for those who have that mindset.. GET A LIFE, YOU DESPOS... this fatass tried to take advantage of me.. and the thing is, i see myself as this disgusting fatass gal who's so lousy that a person's taste has to be soooo bad, or the person has to be incredibly blind.. dun ask me why i see myself like that... ask those who influenced me.. namely teachers...
YES. THANK YOU ALL YOU FREAKING TEACHERS WHO CALLED ME FAT AND OBESE AND STUPID AND WHATNOT TO MY FACE. SAME TO YOU TOO. HAVE A NICE DAY.
so i guess they reli play a huge part in a student's life.. teachers. how to get on without them? as they say, they're reli one of those who will reli influence one... other than the parents.. most time, if not spent at home, is spent at sch anyway, there's no escaping that fact.

okok.. digressing again.. me and my paranoia.. i hate it.. i hate being so.. 'zi bei' ... self-hatred? i dunno what's the accurate translation in english.. but to some extent, it sorta means that.. i learnt to harden myself now.. seem happy in real life... but look at me in the virtual world.. is this my true self? or a magnified view of my insecurities?

anyway, i gotta cut the crap. get straight to the point.

i reached home at 4am when i told them i was gonna reach home by 1am. they got pissed. tempers flared. dad shouted the neighbourhood down at around 2am which frightened sis who woke up and cried, then sat in bed and called him 20 adjectives. bloody frigging hell. thank my stars i dun talk to my dad.. not since the middle of sec 3 anyway.. i think i have more freedom, more control over my life this way.. and i'm happier.

i know that i shouldn't be acting like that.. some ppl dun reli have the opportunity to be close to their parents cos of work, overseas trips, divorces, etc.. and some families which are too close limit one's privacy.. i dunno. maybe it's just me and my twisted way of thinking.. sometimes i feel like i'm closer to inanimate objects.. or maybe virtual life..

and sometimes i think: i don't give a damn about anything anymore. so fuck off.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:29:00 PM