Thursday, January 30, 2003

shut off all distractions.
now is the time to blog.
to blog and blog and blog and forget everything else.
except for the keyboard below my wandering fingers.
clickclacketting systematically while word after word, letter after letter appears on the screen.
my thoughts adrift.
my mind soaring.
and the words flow forth from my brain.

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it started off with a wayward thought. i dismissed it, thinking: nah, that will never happen. yet it came bounding back to me like a demented dog with rabies. licking my face over and over again, trying to get me to think it's way. i'm infected with its disease now. slowly dying inside. incurable. or at least, that's how i feel.

somehow, it has metamorphosized into reality. what a dreadful truth to wake up to. fills my thoughts and the air i breathe in the moment my eyes are sober to the conscious world. i keep telling myself i don't give a shit, and i don't care. sometimes i feel that way, but other times i do not. what the HELL is wrong with me, i ask myself. how do i contract selective amnesia? how do i knock myself out stone cold and wake up without remembering anything of it. erasing something that has been etched into my memory for so long, it's become an essential part of my life..

like eating and breathing

why do i let this consume me. i shouldn't. why does it come back to me. questions that i know the answers to; rhetorical questions reverberating in my brain. studiescomefirststudiescomefirststudiescomefirststudiescomefirststudiescomefirst
uGh.

sometimes i wish i were insensitive enough so as to only detect something if it were placed right in front of me in plain sight. why do i have the innane and SICKENING ability to sniff something out even in it's initial stage of development?

i mean, if i dunno something..
when it hits me it will either be a pleasant surprise or a not-so-bad sharp knife through the jugular vein kinda thing.
instead i am left slowly to bleed out of a single slit near my chest.
the pain is there. but it's like background noise.
so easily ignored.
so easily forgotten.
sometimes i even forget it's there until i'm left alone.
and then the pain intensifies.

sucks.

perhaps i should let this go.
i'm always one to do that.

________________________________________

cny eve tml. gonna do what i always do every year. head off to relative's house. eat reunion dinner. try to socialise.
as usual this year we'll all be packing into my dad's cab. and i'm still not on talking terms with him. secondly, all of us are down with the flu. and thirdly i'm in this sucky mood.

triple trouble guaranteed to mess up the happy festive red auspicious occasion.

torn apart by loyalties towards my sec sch, my pri sch and my college mates. classmates gonna perform tomorrow. they urge me to support them. junior in sec sch gonna pass me something she made for me. she reli wants me to go. and she's sick too. pri school shifting to tampines permanently. but i think no one's going. sec sch gonna make the shift too, before they start the upgrading.

sometimes i stop and wonder; why do i go to such lengths to please everyone?
but if i don't. i'll lose alot of friendship. the close contact; all the relationships.
see, a person cannot live without relationships. friends, family are what he/she thrives on.

uGh.

maybe i should just go be a hermit. or put myself in stasis.

friends all asking me to go for this party; that party. still haven't cleaned the blood off my pair of heels. sucks. a stain.. forever there.
can't blog anymore. dunno what to put down anyway. hope i have fun tomorrow.

yay.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:06:00 PM