Monday, January 27, 2003

today while walking home i was thinking. today while i was trying to get through endless tutorials i was thinking. today while i was having pe and running my ass off i was thinking. today while my classmates ate lunch and chit-chatted i was also half-thinking.

i realise i think quite a bit. sometimes even dwelling on things that make no sense; just random theories derived from my insensible and dysfunctional brain. sometimes i focus on the same thing far too often. i wonder, does that make it an obsession? obsessive compulsive disorder. doesn't apply to me, really... yet i guess, yes, to a certain extent, everyone has the tendancy to become obsessed over something.
the new suede single comes to mind now.

"i like my obsession. it makes me feel safe."

perhaps you have seen that quote towards the very end of the video. thinking back on it over and over again, i find that the truth contained in it becomes plainer everytime. people can be obsessed over the weirdest things. plastic bag collection, over a person, a tv show, a function of daily life.. well, you get my drift.

the thing is, for some people, it acts like a security blanket for them to fall back upon. in times of distress, ironically, it could be the one thing that keeps them sane and able to function as an average contributing human in today's society. for example, given the crudest of examples, if one happens to be obsessed with porn, (don't laugh. you could be one of those people.) this might help relief stress. okay okay, i know what your brain is picturing now. keep it to yourself. we all know that you know what we think you're imagining. hah. for another individual, it could be food. cramming massive amounts of chewable, tasty edibles into one's mouth; experiencing the textural stimulation... well, it's enough to get your mouth watering thinking about this.

unfortunately, there are downsides to obsessing over something. given the mindset of people, most would agree and say, 'yeah. being obsessed is bad. you'd better get yourself to a psychiatrist... soon!' too much of one thing is never good. have you not heard that too much of a vitamin, supposedly a good substance, can be harmful? take things in moderation. too much porn can lead you into the sticky hands of the law, too much food can land you in hospital. but at least, it gives you something to do when you're bored. you can switch off and just lazily drift away on that cloud of yours, thinking casually of well, what you usually think of.

people have said i'm in my own world sometimes. most of the time i try not to be. i try to sit up straight, perch those spectacles on the tip of my nose, pen in hand, scribbling notes, putting on the most attentive expression i have and paying attention. yet somehow, over the years, we have all developed certain skills to drift off without being noticed and brought back to earth again. a famous skill that is widely utilised by many: stoning diligently. by 'diligently', i refer to your facial expression and body language, not where your mind actually is. you could be adrift ten thousand miles away in a desert, a few hundred leagues under the sea, or just hovering above the heads in the classroom, bobbing down everyone now and then to observe what everyone is doing, because, well, admit it, it is much more interesting than what the teacher's teaching anyway.
the only thing that drags you back to earth is the sound of your name, not just any sound, but the teacher's voice. the fastest and most effective way to destroy your bubble, splattering its contents back into the dingy classroom, emptying your head. you hastily fumble with your pencil, try to look calm and confident, and mumble out a barely audible answer that you hope is correct.

it happens to me quite a bit. although i -do- know what is going on, the suddenness of this attack knocks everything away, and replaces it with half-panic and the ever-unwelcome feeling of 'blurness'. you squint at the teacher, hoping she will forget she singled you out from a classroom of say, 20, sink further into your seat and attempt to look intellectual as you fumble with your lecture notes and give 360 degree sideway glances at your classmates, hoping to read their lips as they silently mouth the answer to you from behind the teacher.

ok. you answer. it's over. you relax like a ragdoll, limp, your breathing getting shallow as you slip back to where you left off... and perhaps, if lady luck is frowning upon you today, the cycle repeats itself. tough.

*******

today during general paper lesson (we had double gp) mrs leow wanted to talk to me. so i dragged a chair over at her request, thinking that perhaps, she wanted me, as her not-so-efficient lazy-yet-trying gp representative to carry out another task for her. assumming too soon as usual. i guess it was the after-effect of all the AQ we did earlier.

as you might know, she is also aj's resident counsellor. motherly and mild-looking, you wouldn't realise that her sarcasm, subtle and concealed, is a force of nature in itself.

it was a talk about my work attitude, disciplinary problems spilled over from the past year, and my general absence from school or lessons, or should i say, the frequency of it. revealing to me that i was one of her favourite students, and that my actions, surprising, as they were stupid and consequences unthought of, seemed uncharacteristic of my 'brightness' and capabilities.

so i told her: teachers always say that to their students to motivate them, encourage them to change, etc. yes, it's true. seems that everyone has told me this at one point or another in my life. it's basically a standard answer, template drafted out to use on students of the world.

of course, i should have expected her disagreement.

i mean, a teacher, especially a guidance counsellor, cannot possibly tell a student straight in the face, that yes, she is indeed in denial, and it is merely something she says.. well, just because everyone ELSE tells their students or children that.

i mean, define 'bright'. how the hell would she know if i were bright or dull or if i glowed like a freaking thirty watt chandelier? everyone is bright, in one way or the other. please, don't use bright on me, it's common and lacking of specifics.

one thing, i look extremely blur most of the time. it's not a facade, i am blur. she told me that yeah, i could use it as a defence, and that in actual fact, i wasn't blur at all. to a certain extent, i guess she's right. right on the ball. hit the bull right smack on the nose, etc etc.. whatchamacallit. bullseye, etc. if i actually concentrate and listen, i can catch what has been said, even explain to my friends if they ask. don't ask me how i do it. perhaps my soul is with the devil. sells well. *shrug*

she said i had a flair for writing. yet sometimes, when she reads my essays, she will sigh and notice that i didn't bother. how, i ask, do you see that? what is 'bother' and 'didn't bother'? for me, i guess if i even bothered to hand up any work at all, it's good enough. perhaps even miraculous, for select subjects. singlish is now a large part of my life. i find it hard to write even now, as i resist the urge to slip in a few 'la's and 'loh's here and there. alternative spelling's beginning to seem like a norm in writing to me. i guess i had better quit that habit fast.

she kept telling me to pull up my socks for the rest of this year ahead. i am trying. a somewhat improvement from last year. but as they say, habits are hard to break; and i find the bad habits piling up, while the good ones just stay in storage, stagnant, or gradually waste away, forgotten. recently i've been late for school. twice. and it's barely febuary. casey goh already knows my face. i collected my ez-link card from her today outside the staffroom (again). and she looked at me, cocked her head, a twinkle in her eye, as she gave that frenly toothy grin of hers and asked: "haven't i seen you before?"

another reason why i give my teachers grief. mrs leow also mentioned the numerous times she caught sight of mdm foo lecturing me nicely in the staffroom, while she went past, silently shaking her head as she thought: "oh no, what has meredith gone and done again this time?" stringent schools. defiance aplently. that's me. ben3 xing4 nan2 yi2. a person's original character is hard to shift, similar to a solitary person trying to move mountains.

mrs leow also mentioned something about me going off to rob a bank. she apparently mentioned that it was these tiny things that caused more pain than larger misdemeanors. personally, i don't see any wrong in any of this. apart from not handing in homework on time or appearing uninterested and self-absorbed during lessons. i try, i really do. just not hard enough as people would like me to. i would never commit serious acts that would get me in trouble with the law. i'm not -that- stupid. i just commit all these tiny internal offences that somehow lead to buildup that needs to be scraped; liken it to layers of plague on unbrushed teeth. once i've gone there, i cannot turn back. a taste of what is beyond, what i can stretch and strain my limits to, and i'm hooked. okay, not -that- bad, but sometimes i unknowingly do things that will lead to eventual reprimandation from various teachers.

consequences, consequences. a blind corner indeed for me.

teachers describe me as defiant, and i actually told mrs leow that in times of total boredom, a little breaking of rules, rebellion in my own way, against the system (aka defiance) provoked some excitement. interestingly enough, she agreed with me (or is that what she's paid to do?) reaching out to smack me playfully yet motherly -and- encouragingly on my arm for the third time in that talk. she shared with me her own way of defying the system, a more direct, yet lawful way of standing up and supporting her arguements or opinions if she did not agree with anything that was said. she said the world needed more people like that, people like... me?

solemnly yet sadly she told me she had really wanted to put my name down for the pre-U seminar, but was compelled not to, as my (outstanding?) record held her back. i do recall my classmate photostating a copy of the form, and telling me that i should go as it was more of a gp seminar than a pre-U one. a joke, but in actuality, it had truth. however, people like me welcome the fact that they have been let off a certain duty, and are given the opportunity to 'shirk' it. i was up for the seminar last year, but i did not get past the interview. aye, who gives a damn. extra work. XD

enough about the 'inspirational' talk with mrs leow. now it's time for the events of the day, followed by the weather forecast for tomorrow.

needless to say, i was late for physics lab. and by late, my guess is about fifteen minutes to half an hour. walked to the third floor (i always get mixed up with the chemistry lab and the physics lab level) looking for my class, then realised when i saw a chemistry teacher conducting laboratory work, that i was indeed on the wrong level. why oh why am i so blind? the white tag above the room stares so glaringly at everyone: "chemistry lab".

scooted a floor down where the tags read "physics lab", first class nearest the staircase were the familiar faces of 17/02. knocked politely on the door and apologized to mdm tay, then took my seat on the bench in front of her.

the experiment today was extremely interesting. it involved stationary waves... my favorite! i guess it's because i can never unravel the mystery behind it. how simple vibrations can cause that phenomena. magic. it's simply magical.

however... i got a tongue lashing from mdm tay regarding my absence from school on two days. sucks. and to think that perhaps i might have earned her trust. she's become so much better this year, cracking jokes that the class can actually laugh at, not just sit and stare silently, wide-eyed. mom's supposed to give her a call to explain my absence, and to confirm that i was really sick. the thing is, my mom's currently voiceless for a few days. this bug going around in the air. sister's gotten it too. with two people coughing from both sides at me, how can i avoid the inevitable? i'm sick now too. just in time for chinese new year. at least it will mean not having to miss school and not having to explain my absence, which i have been so tiresomely and repeatedly forced to do so. i brought it upon myself anyway. but my tonsilitis last year couldn't be helped. i hope what i have now's just a simple bug and not some friggin inflammation of my tonsils all over again; although they feel quite sore. this sucks. and i -did- avoid chocolate like the plague. uGh.

was late for school today. i didn't really mind. only my second time this term, can't make it a habit anymore or i'll be up for yeoman. three strikes and you're out, mister! surrendered my ez-link card then took my place with the other latecomers. mr tan gave me that cheesy & cheeky grin of his, that meant: "me-re-dith... late for school again huh...*wink*" he's really cute and friendly... for a teacher. the bad thing about knowing too many teachers too well (for things good and bad) can be a bad thing at times, yet it can curry favour or lend you an advantage too! i won't say that i was unlucky in this situation. can i say that i actually liked the attention?

mr tan volunteered me to lead the pledge. i whined a bit, then complied when he said he would help me. so i stood in front and recited the pledge, hoping that i got the words correct. i paused at "to build a ...." and looked around to mr tan for a helping word. (and now, to play fill in the blank!) he mouthed and whispered "democratic", then i continued the pledge. when i told my friends later, they mocked me and jokingly said: "are you singaporean? lol" a j1 tchs guy was pledge leader number 2, as his mouth wasn't seen moving. he was stumped for awhile, and i couldn't help but grin at him. shows that i'm not the only one. now you know who regularly takes the pledge and who doesn't.

but i guess, if you do something everyday, it becomes so intuned with your daily precedings that you can say or do it routinely, but when asked to recall how exactly it is done, your mind goes blank and you cannot remember. take for example, pledge taking. although most of us (come on, admit) do not take it faithfully like every loyal citizen should, we subconsciously know all the words to it by heart. another example would be the exact sequence in which we take a bath. what do you wash first? with which hand? in what manner. *blank look* and we're more or less at a loss for words, trying hard to recall.

after pledge-taking, i turned around to leave, and as the crowd dissipated, a familar voice called out my name. yuzhong was late too! what a surprise. i laughed at him and he laughed at me too. went to the auditorium together for maths lecture together; and as usual, theng yiu laughed and said: "oh, so you both came together.. i see i see.. hahahahaha!" in response i grinned and said: "yeah, so we did. *smile*" think yz had quite a bad cold today, his nose was all red and stuff.. i think he kept sniffling. it's that darned flu bug, i tell ya.. rampaging islandwide, planting parts of itself in us.

pe was ok today. quite slack. i actually had some fun. we did two rounds around the track, and i initially half-limped due to the cut on my toe. gathered at the netball court for some exercise and ball-passing and catching. soon kinda forgot about my toe. amazingly, the usually laborious pe was over in a jiffy; normally it would seem like eternity before it ended.

weight taken as usual after. i lost weight! now it's 2.3 kg more and i'm home free! the final stretch is in sight! at least, when the scale convinces me that i'm not overweight and not in taf anymore, i am one step nearer to feeling better about my bulges and fats.

met jes outside the canteen for the usual gossip and hanging out session. =)

mmm.. guess i have nothing more to say now. been blogging solidly for who knows how long now. i bet this entry's gonna be like, 5000 words or some shit. who cares.

anyway, some random thoughts i put down:

do not take every single thing in life too seriously. it will cause good things to lose their sparkle and fun; turn it topsy-turvy around into a chore. it will cause failures to affect you more deeply, more personally, than if you just make a joke out of it and resolve to try harder the next time. see those straight-faced people, unsmiling, walking as stiff and as straight as an (unwarped) board, where everything placed before them deserves a frown and a concentrated wrinkling of the brow. what fun will it merit you if being teased or poked fun at is taken as people intentionally meaning to hurt you? laugh, and return the ridiculement. it builds relationships. besides, isn't laughter the best medicine? and most of all, it's free and freely available. you just have to open your eyes wider to see (or feel) it.

another valuable lesson in life: do not expect too much, for you might end up disappointed and drained from your anticipation. expect the minimal. that way, when faced with a sinking situation, your sorrow or regret will not be too great, and you are hence able to deal with it positively. vice versa, if the outcome is a resounding success, what have you to lose? success will be sweeter and more of a pleasant shock, although your future expectation for a similar situation might be raised. it could boost your self-esteem and push you to strive harder; to reach goals that were once too far away that are now closer, albeit a hair's breath away. a tiny inch sometimes is all it takes to make a great difference.

can gut feelings be trusted?
i've been asking myself that a lot lately. i have this gut feeling that bugs me.. well, two. and i don't really like either of them. i thought i decided that enough is enough. no more for me. if i'm looking for any, can't it be elsewhere, in reality? this sucks. when i want something, it shys away from me. and when i don't need or don't intend to do anything, they just keep coming like flies on a summer's day. why is life so unpredictable and unfair? why can't the right thing happen at the right time to the right person? another thing. am i too suspicious? or just being overly sensitive here. why can't i be the winning party here for once? why can't i get what i want for once? i guess, if you know that it's impossible to achieve something, or it seems like an overly daunting task to you, you let go; give up.. but it's my security blanket, and i ask myself this every day: why? i'm full of unanswered questions. some of which i know the answer to, deep down inside of me, yet i either will choose not to acknowledge it, or avoid it.

vagueness is key here. i'll keep it vague like that. =)

gotta start on maths or i'll have to do detention tomorrow with ms tan. going online to check who's on irc. i hope i won't get stuck there. wish me luck! and i hope you did not lose too much precious time (or sleep) reading through all this crap. ;)

wUv cRaPｲdith~ (ｰ_ｺ )
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:36:00 PM