Sunday, February 09, 2003

popularity.

the thot just entered my mind.

am i popular? what does being popular feel like? good? bad? what does it take for one to be popular? is not being popular a negative thing?

i don't feel like i am popular. i feel like i am below average in society. friends. waving. chatting happily. the distinction between the real world and the dream world. confusion. i dunno anymore.

i guess i should be contented with my life now. i mean, i wave to quite a lot of people daily. but. does waving count as being popular? i can even wave to people i dunno, but they might give me muddled and weird looks back. waving is an act of friendliness. but is friendliness an ACT? a whole freaking act. sometimes i even wonder if i act just to get through the day. when do i truly feel happy? when i win something? achieve something? feel loved? get praised? i dunno.

i realise i don't understand myself anymore.

sometimes i am this robot. slaving over society; over school; over everything. i just go through things mechanically; without much thought as to WHY i'm doing it. and sometimes, when i think too much, i get depressed.

they say humans have limitations. and one must restrict oneself for fear of committing overly rash acts that one might regret. i agree. think about it. everyday do you want to do something, yet tell yourself, NO. i CAN'T. cos it's _______.

legal restrictions. society. you might get ostracized, put into the jailhouse, regret. whatnot. life's like that. there's no denying it.

life is full of choices, restrictions and problems.

i guess we just have to put on our happy faces. if we feel happy, we're bound to be happy, ......right?
i guess so. if we don't try, we won't know.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:01:00 PM