Monday, March 17, 2003

freefall

there's only so much a dam can take. troubled waters swirling over the crumbling walls, wearing away the plaster and stone. until.. finally.. it bursts, swelling into the deep blue sea, venturing further and further beyond...

take heed little one, before your mind is gone...

one tiny word that keeps popping into my mind like a recurring nightmare/fantasy. never before would i have believed this. i guess it's true when ppl say that one never realises what is happening around one if one happens to be the centre of it all...

i am the eye of the tornado. all is calm where i am, but around me, whirlpools of wind lash past wildly...

i am but human. forgive me if i happen to hurt you. unknowingly i might. i apologise.

to err is human, to forgive is divine

it's been hectic this year. gonna be a hectic school year very very soon. gonna be hectic for my feelings too. experiencing ups and downs, lows and highs. and one particular feeling that messes up the infrastructure of the fragile human heart: confusion of emotions.

i dunno what to do.

well, actually i do. just need a listener, a guide, to lead me out of it. i wander in a well-trodden forest, in my heart lies the map. but suddenly i am blind. i only need voices to show me the way. then into the sunlight i emerge, eyesight regained.

it was affirmed last night. dith, you really gotta be true to your gut feelings. they're always 80% correct or so. i know i shut you off, i know i ignored you, dear voice in my head, but it was for my own good too. i need to concentrate. but you keep getting louder, and after sometime, i HAVE to stop and listen to you. to throw everything aside to help you shut up again...

to bind your arms and gag your mouth...

you know what i have to say to all this?
SIAN. JI. BUA.

perhaps i shouldn't continue any longer.. but i just need to push all my thoughts out, before i go crazy, before i become insane. that's why you're here, dear blog, to serve your purpose. =) i'm glad you're always here for me. silent unspoken listening forever.

i would be lying if i said i weren't flattered by all this attention. but perhaps, i'm just thinking too much. was talking to mom today. she said, act clueless, and if so be it, wean them slowly off. like a baby. like a drug. this is life. i am, i truly am flattered, i'm happy, i'm stunned. but at the same time it's pushing me into this precipice, where i teeter and totter wildly about...

arms spinning in the air like two aeroplanes...

if all this were to leave me suddenly, i admit, i would be left feeling empty. empty and suddenly... all would be quiet. like the serenity of a clear calm lake hidden in the middle of a lush green forest.

but like going shopping, i have other choices, alternatives. i'm sorry if likening all of this to mere items were demeaning... but this is how i feel it's all to me. sometimes you see something hanging on the shelf, slightly dusty, slightly dented; scarred, but it draws you near. this is how i feel too.

-----------------------

hunter's bow lies on the shelf
nearly brand new.
set aside for its need is not seen
fishing rod droops alone in the water
the fish won't bite properly
in the clarity of the moment
i see from afar
a young boy with a goldfish bowl
set you free, he did, young carp
new species
fresh and free in the stream
why oh why won't you drift to my rod
and i'll take it in my hands
and reel you out
i spy you from afar
colored scales flashing in the golden light
do you remember me?
i hope you do
why did you forget me?
no one knows
yet i still recall
in the clarity of that day
i met you

can't write in another language. can't write what i wanna write. can't -don't- write. gotta settle for something in encoded english: prose/poetry form, using imagery to carry forth what i wanna say. oh well.. =/
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:50:00 PM