Friday, June 27, 2003

getting older...

it's my bdae very very soon. about a day's time. as i near eighteen.. life is getting shorter. makes me wonder what the hell i'm doing with it now. oh well.
just talked to dearie pj online just now. argh. i so wanna go out n have fun now. not necessarily parties and stuff, but just walking around, hanging, talking.. maybe some solace and hugs would be nice too. haix.
no no i'm not sad. just in a contemplative mood. i'm at peace now.. feel like i'm carelessly drifting. and i find, that people actually look up to me.. or ask for advice. i feel appreciated. isn't the feeling of being appreciated wonderful? like you do something for a person and that person replies with a smile, or a thank you.. something to just make you feel appreciated. shows that effort is not going to waste.
haix. i shouldn't keep chatting on e phone at wee hours. it's screwing up my health. haix.. i know it's not their faults, it's mine too for being so obliging. why oh why am i always so obliging? WHY. haix. i guess it's good and bad also. everything is good and bad. haix.
seems tomorrow there's kohaku going on in e cosplay world. alot of things have been going on there as of late. can't say i'm very bothered or affected. simply because i'm not involved in such things. i just roughly know the people and chat to them on occasion. nowadays it's all just a brief hello or whatnot. most of them, that is.
i can't go, going to zouk with jes for machi thingy. i dunno if my body can take it. most thing is, it'll screw up come monday. haix. and then i'll miss one week of bloody exam torture. *touches wood* i can't. if i do people are gonna be disappointed and and... haix. i might just....... blow.
aren't i supposed to be in my happy mood now? the 'push everything aside' and 'just pretend everything's ok' mood? ah well. i dunno. should i leave some people alone? am i bothering them too much? seems whenever i have hols i live a different life. still anchored by school because i'm constantly reminded of it, but i have a different life out there. i -live-. argh... haix................. i wonder how i will be like without school? will i become totally insanely MAD and OUT OF CONTROL? going out every single damn day? outright, outgoing, etc? i dunno... i might turn into a big buayee.... hai.
aiyah. disturbed by irc.....
hopefully i'll enjoy my bdae...... aka the last day of hols.
hopefully i get what i want.
and i only want a few specific things.
sometimes i really dunno what i mean to those who matter.
haix.

will try to sleep early today.
tataZ~
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:26:00 PM