Thursday, August 28, 2003

words

reading a friend's blog re-jolted my brain into thinking again. i thought i promised myself not to think about these things until i can truly find the time to afford to? seems i have failed myself again. i went crazy after watching mars last night. maybe that's why they say mars is the god of destruction and war or some sort. i loved the energy and madness and power it lent to me. maybe it was also due to crazy me downing two cups of teh tarik and possibly going for more if my mom had not stopped me. was totally shagged last night. my attempt to caffeine-overload myself backfired and i ended up just crashing, slouched on the chair.. and slept for gawd knows how long.

take note that i used re-jolted. because my mind was already beginning to enter p2pr analysis mode anyway. see la. hyper all day, now entering calm, then low. win liao loh dith. i should learn to trust myself more. but still. people aren't maths questions. you can't enter the variables into a formula to get the result. you. just. can't. so i am not quick to infer from what i see. i've learnt from that. the hard way. last year i inferred so much i nearly killed myself (figuratively. don't worry your heads) over all the stress. geez. but i sure love drowning in brood and misery. i'm crazy, i tell you. absolutely.

weirdness. why do i still feel these waves emitting from him. are they wrong signals that i'm tuning into or something that has been going on since i felt them last year? *sigh* but it seemed to natural to him. like nothing. so i guess it's nothing? can't say that i dislike it... because seriously if i were to consider him, it would be possible. let me be honest with myself. the possibility is like... really high. either this is how he treats gal friends who he feels closer to.. or unknowingly he's hinting to me. or what? i can't understand guys. can't understand people. but i thought i felt something amiss last year. and i still feel it now only stronger? i do not know either. enlighten me.

geez this really sucks. i shouldn't even be blogging about it. but i guess i should unload what's weighing down my thoughts so i can actually finish up my long overdue gp essay for my teacher tomorrow. i went out after school today. bought apples with the help of my sis (cause i can't choose them for nuts) bought silver ribbon bought a discman pouch bought toblerone for 3 lucky teachers/people. bought some flowers. (actually i wanted to give the pe dept black chrysanthemums. but i'm not that evil. not while i still have my A levels to go. heh.) today was a good day. socially. and i was totally hyper the whole day. i felt like dancing around the whole time or skipping around. i felt like this last evening too. i could have sworn this guy from my pe group gave me a weird look. o.o; sheesh. dith stop imagining things.

yesterday was fun. whEe~ on a whim i stayed back initially to accompany shuting who was late and had to wait till 6pm to collect her ezlink card. suddenly sok teng, manyi, jocelyn and liteng also stayed back together. and we (some of us) decided to watch mars later. funnnn. as expected, we slacked and gossiped. we laughed, chatted.. shared secrets. compared stuff. lol. like we were saying how funny and weird it was that none of the guys we ever liked had the surname Li. (or Lee, or anything sounding remotely alike) lol. and we compared how many guys we liked in the course of our (nearing) two year experience in jc. the mode answer was around three i guess. i said i liked five. which, isn't really exaggerating. cause i think my heart changes quickly. *sigh* or sometimes, not too quickly. or. multitask. geez. i sound like a total whore here man. who cares.

ended up gossiping until shuting and manyi left around 6.30pm. jocelyn left around 7 for dinner. and me, sokteng and liteng were left. definitely quietened down. did some maths, and soon before i knew it.. 7.30. mars viewing ala astronomy club. walked around with sok to the lib. tried to find jeff but failed. tried to find steph but he was absent. -.- saw xiaojia's name but still dunno.... saw an alwyn. but definitely not. tried to look for my seniorZ but unfortunately the wrong year. and lun still has my yearbook. *sigh* later we went to the toilet. lol. not that dark and scary la. but just as smelly. hahaha.. oh wells. what to do? toilet = place where waste matter is deposited ma. body's sewage has to go somewhere right.

of course my lover beat me to the lt. so i was the piggy. oh bleargh. the presentation on mars was nice. heh. the lights were dimmed and i couldn't see anyone cept for my lover sitting middle centre. bwahaha.. cheeky thing! ;p so i was surprised to see who else but roy. LoL geez. he came over and we chatted. yup. me in chatty mood since yesterday 5pm. oh well. kills the brain, ya know.

finally we had the opportunity to head for the track and look into the bEEg telescope. wah mars so small like how i describe: "a blot of indian curry dripping down the lens". hehe.. so cute ok. then me and lover lay on the track (first without mat, then with the mat) looking at the constellations. scorpius and saggi so cute. *sigh* lol, my flabby stomach was fully utilised as a pillow yesterday. wahaha. "soft" somemore! geez. guess who i saw too. yes. he came for the viewing. or rather, they. got eye candy to see loh. haha.. dith ar.. this also fun? crazy beetch.

couldn't eat my mars bar so i gave it to lover. lol. we threw (or rather, i) it into the sky and it hit some guy on the head. LoL. so funny. extra topping. ;p spent a lot of time just lying down (ergh. you nearly squashed my boobs. XD) and talking. reflecting. stoning. viewed mars through the telescope a second time, then decided it was time to head home. school was closing anyway. saw roy lying on the grandstand benches. lol, can only recognise people by their silhouettes.. haha.. and no, i didn't abandon sokteng ok. she was with another friend. and i was too busy getting to know lover anyway. :X bwahahha. take that whatever way, it's intended.

dillydallied to the mrt station as usual. study area rather abandoned. my stuff strewn in a mess over the table was untouched. lol. packed my bag and got nagged at (tell your mom to spank you ah!) and guess who we were behind? ya loh. lover and i got the same taste. one day must attack him with a scalper. scalp the poor fellow. hahaa.. poor guy doesn't know what's in store for him. bwahahah.

ran for the train again. a repeat performance of the morning's. sheesh. sat down, stoned. watched roy yawn. geez he's like a lil bro to me. haha.. at macs i discovered my phone batt finally died on me. LoL. and yes, i use FINALLY. because i was practically abusing its juice. radio, sms, call, regular pressing of buttons etc. all when it just left one batt bar. wahaha. i'm surprised it didn't conk out earlier. reached home, mom was kinda flustered cause she couldn't get me. LoL. and my sis didn't want to listen to me speak of mars for she missed it. she could've come, but. i had fun without her anyway. =)

had dinner (without rice), stoned, chatted. and family outing again. ecp. lol. sis took really long trying to locate mars. and passer-bys kept exchanging words with us. we set up the telescope in the carpark. lol. the ecp f2 carpark. i so wanted to go for a walk on the pier. but i didn't get the chance to. *sigh* next time if i'm free call me if you're going there k? anyone. ;p

went to Lau Pasat after. twas around midnight. had satay and teh tarik in the middle of the road they sectioned off. heh. i missed it!!!!!!!! XD reached home around 1+am. geez. of course was too shagged. but sis was awake till 4am. omfg. i think i ponned physics lecture today unintentionally. was trying to be nice when i agreed to accompany my friend to the einstein lect. but shit man i missed out on sai ghor's lecture on charged particles. x( and i really really need help in that. jay chia didn't come. i think some people later said we were to join the newtons group. but a few didn't. sat there and slacked. oh well. "ehruashfafjs sjskjfkda kajkns shjioaoadnk adkawiohdn wjojoaj ajoaj opadojoas ahoahs asaohdaho"

sometimes i think being a cancerian is tough. although we are crustaceans and have a hardy exterior, we're actually very vulnerable inside. *sigh* it's hard keeping a relationship platonic unless certain 'barriers' exist. for me they're age, looks, habits, etc. character attracts me.. along with ease, brains and looks. i guess if i don't take note of my actions, i would practically fall for any dashing/cute guy with whom i click with? geez. i'm a weirdo.

haha..
i sure as hell don't want a repeat perfomance... yet i still hope. doesn't make sense eh? it wasn't supposed to. was never supposed to anyway. =)
gp essay awaits.

a very good night to one and all.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:36:00 PM