Tuesday, March 06, 2007

backdated-ness

tuesday. i think i'm going to die soon. in addition to feeling underpaid, i have come to feeling underappreciated and under-rested. ooo yes and did i mention that internship is overrated? oh wait. working in the media is overrated. shitload of work, shitload of crap you need to take from people, and shit pay. rocks. wonder if i'll be really working in this line in the future. i shudder at the thought.

speaking of shuddering, my office building felt the tremors from sumatra today. actually i quite liked the sensation, but then again, that doesn't negate the fact that the casualties are still climbing and that transport and communication has been disrupted.

feel so damn tired, i could sleep now and wake up next week still feeling like i need more sleep. whoohoo...

intern suffering from burn out. and not even halfway through the entire span. ahh yes, i have my whole working adult life to look forward to... not a cheery sight, i must say.

chocolate supplements my diet. gonna become super fat. saw more boob shots today. ooo people can be so cruel when it comes to criticizing other people. i kept my mouth shut, because i know i'm not any better than them, or the person they're criticizing. but that's just human, to criticize. it's how we make ourselves feel better.

words can make or break a spirit, eh?

3 months 3 weeks 4 days to go. nothing can save me from slavery and servitude. i'm just dreading every single thing of the future.

((dreadlist))
1. back to school - fyp
2. prospective future career - burn out
3. dislike kids even more - yuck. will reject any guy who says he wants to have kids with me, unless he wants to be the one who has them and looks after them. i'm a nightmare parent. i will only agree to have a kid if i can install an artificial womb in my husband, inplant a kid in him, let him give birth, make him look after it with a maid or something, and then dump the kid to some far-off boarding school when it is old enough to fend for itself. oh, not to mention, the dad still has to work and earn money to support me. ooh yeah. ultimate.
4. know too much about motherhood - refer to point 3. and i think i'm ready to be a lactation consultant.
5. self image - can't face the world looking perpetually shagged, overweight, feeling tired, eye-baggy and sloppily dressed. doesn't help that i don't have money to doll myself up either.
6. fked up earlobes - damn you left ear, please heal you bastard. stop getting infected on me, stop bleeding, stop hurting. it's already been a fucking 7 months you whore.
7. whatever. i miss my bed.

----

broken umbrella, broken heart

1st of march.

it fucking rained. as usual. and umbrella fucking died on me. the spring mechanism exploded. well, no. but it snapped, i suppose. i think i'll be the next thing to snap. haha. just wait. push my buttons too much and i'll snap too. whee! useless umbrella!

i suppose i ate yong tau foo. ooo i like yong tau foo. douse it with 2 ladels of sweet sauce and dry yellow mee, gobble it up in double quick time and crawl back to office still feeling unsatiated. not because the food wasn't enough, but the release from office wasn't long enough. give me a 5 hour lunch anytime. then i can only work for 4 of those hours.

on that same day, news reached me that my favorite didi had a quarrel with his gf. was worried for him, and i had reason to be. anyway i guess he and her are alright now. met him again the following day for audi outing. expensive dinner at a chinese restaurant, but just glad to see him in a better mood. although his self inflicted injury pissed me off. needless. for what fuck? i scold him also no use, he would have done it anyway. really can't figure out kids these days. not that i'm an auntie yet, but seriously, the 90s kids are so much different from the 80s kids. and so on and so forth. i guess this is what u might call generation gap. but definitely imo, hate it when kids lose their innocence too early in life, what for? spoils your childhood. you should enjoy as long as possible. be lost in the state of mind of not knowing much about the world. ignorance is bliss. you know too much, you will think too much. sometimes even though you know more than the average kid your age knows, somehow the brain isn't mature enough or the person isn't experienced enough to make certain judgements. easier to make mistakes. please don't make stupid mistakes that will blow up into big matters especially if it flouts the law. now, legality issues are a totally different ball game altogether. it's not just slap you silly and send you to your room. it's cane you silly, dump you in boys home, put a black mark on your name and waste more of your childhood and your life. so please, don't anyhow before planning or asking someone for advice first.

pek chek.

and you, i already told you in 3 languages don't go disturb her. you can disturb anyone except her. i have my reasons, isn't it clear enough for you? i tell you plain and simple just don't go disturb her. the vibes you gave her were not the vibes you claimed to be giving. maybe you are misunderstood in your mind. please grow up a bit more, catch up those missing 5 years. sometimes you seem like my younger brother. ooo i do like you very much as a friend, wish you would grow to realise without a younger person telling you what to do. guess this is the result of self-reclusement in games. for the life you live in game, you trade the life you live in the world. the more self esteem you have in game, you trade the self esteem you ought to have in the world. like that how can you face anyone? i know you're not really like that, you do go out, you're not one of those egoistic gamers, but somehow you still don't understand. you are stubborn. you said it yourself. i'm glad you realise that simple fact. nvm, i already told you not to hurt yourself more. she herself told you that too. just hope you will realise it before you hurt yourself too much.

but i can't be the meat shield all the time. i have to serve as the meat shield for my own person. but i can't. it's like i have casted decoy on myself unintentionally and it won't go away, no matter how many esuna or dispel i have used. luckily there's no skill called arrow. haven't been arrowed much. maybe cos i'm incompetent. you know people tend to associate people's competency by their looks? well, it's just my theory. if anyone is free, you can see if my theory is a proven one or not. remember, google is your best friend.

i am so sick and tired of contacting people, of headaching over how to plan a shoot, how to plan shots, how to write my script and how to pacify my talents. but fuck it, you can't satisfy everyone at once. i said in maple last night, to survive, you must be thick skinned, you must be selfish. only the most thick skinned and selfish will survive man. yourself comes first. or rather, your job comes first. just take what people give. if there is a giver, there will be a recepient. don't feel guilty, the person wants to make you feel indebted to him or her and thus re-benefit that person. why re-benefit? because the first benefit to them was to make them feel good and that their hearts were made of gold. rubbish. hearts are but black pieces of rusted shit. no one has a golden heart. it's a hard black lump of charcoal that fuels the body. the organ we call the heart is just the motor that drives the furnace that ignites the charcoal. hence black hearted came about. the combustion of charcoal by the motor we call the heart muscle. that's why they say humans are made of carbon. charcoal is made of carbon. it's the result of combustion of that charcoal within us. black hearted humans. i'm no exception.

well. isn't this an exceptionally long rant since the previous time i posted? told you it's backdated. nothing else to add on. i just want to kill some people and hide under a rug until the world ends.

till then, i'm off.
hope my pillow bids me sweet dreams.
and my bed, a gentle floating vessel into the depths of murky work-related dreams.
oh the horror!

sheesh.
i'll be walking on hot coals until after internship.
you all have been warned.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:01:00 PM