Thursday, January 30, 2003

"Disease" ~ Matchbox 20

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:13:00 PM

shut off all distractions.
now is the time to blog.
to blog and blog and blog and forget everything else.
except for the keyboard below my wandering fingers.
clickclacketting systematically while word after word, letter after letter appears on the screen.
my thoughts adrift.
my mind soaring.
and the words flow forth from my brain.

------------------------------------------------------------

it started off with a wayward thought. i dismissed it, thinking: nah, that will never happen. yet it came bounding back to me like a demented dog with rabies. licking my face over and over again, trying to get me to think it's way. i'm infected with its disease now. slowly dying inside. incurable. or at least, that's how i feel.

somehow, it has metamorphosized into reality. what a dreadful truth to wake up to. fills my thoughts and the air i breathe in the moment my eyes are sober to the conscious world. i keep telling myself i don't give a shit, and i don't care. sometimes i feel that way, but other times i do not. what the HELL is wrong with me, i ask myself. how do i contract selective amnesia? how do i knock myself out stone cold and wake up without remembering anything of it. erasing something that has been etched into my memory for so long, it's become an essential part of my life..

like eating and breathing

why do i let this consume me. i shouldn't. why does it come back to me. questions that i know the answers to; rhetorical questions reverberating in my brain. studiescomefirststudiescomefirststudiescomefirststudiescomefirststudiescomefirst
uGh.

sometimes i wish i were insensitive enough so as to only detect something if it were placed right in front of me in plain sight. why do i have the innane and SICKENING ability to sniff something out even in it's initial stage of development?

i mean, if i dunno something..
when it hits me it will either be a pleasant surprise or a not-so-bad sharp knife through the jugular vein kinda thing.
instead i am left slowly to bleed out of a single slit near my chest.
the pain is there. but it's like background noise.
so easily ignored.
so easily forgotten.
sometimes i even forget it's there until i'm left alone.
and then the pain intensifies.

sucks.

perhaps i should let this go.
i'm always one to do that.

________________________________________

cny eve tml. gonna do what i always do every year. head off to relative's house. eat reunion dinner. try to socialise.
as usual this year we'll all be packing into my dad's cab. and i'm still not on talking terms with him. secondly, all of us are down with the flu. and thirdly i'm in this sucky mood.

triple trouble guaranteed to mess up the happy festive red auspicious occasion.

torn apart by loyalties towards my sec sch, my pri sch and my college mates. classmates gonna perform tomorrow. they urge me to support them. junior in sec sch gonna pass me something she made for me. she reli wants me to go. and she's sick too. pri school shifting to tampines permanently. but i think no one's going. sec sch gonna make the shift too, before they start the upgrading.

sometimes i stop and wonder; why do i go to such lengths to please everyone?
but if i don't. i'll lose alot of friendship. the close contact; all the relationships.
see, a person cannot live without relationships. friends, family are what he/she thrives on.

uGh.

maybe i should just go be a hermit. or put myself in stasis.

friends all asking me to go for this party; that party. still haven't cleaned the blood off my pair of heels. sucks. a stain.. forever there.
can't blog anymore. dunno what to put down anyway. hope i have fun tomorrow.

yay.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:06:00 PM

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

alone in sch lib right now.. just typing my way through another boredom-filled afternoon. like i said in my tagboard, i'm waiting for my gp class to start. 5-6.30 i think.. sucks.. just printed out materials for the class.. stuff on cloning.. this is like gonna be the 3rd week in a row we're doing cloning.. haix.. no afternoon pe today.. fate is good. no need to go owing another makeup for today.. tml is cross country day.. running 3.2 at macritchie reservoir.. well, i guess they will be running.. not me. gonna get mc for tml's run.. haix.. need to see doc.. i reli believe it's me damn tonsils acting up again.. for the dunno what time. uGh.. when can i start eating chocolate again? sucks like fuck man.

found some interesting articles on cloning tho.. maybe i'll clone myself like eh.. tom hanks in multiplicity and assign different parts of my life to them, while original me sits back to watch and stone. but then again.. nothing's perfect. better keep my life the way it is.. did i get into shit today? not reli. altho i was nearly late for school.. ran like crap.. was the last person through the gate.. again. haix.. last yr i was only late twice.. and that was on purpose.. how come this year it's like crap? ugH..and they have yeoman.. what the fuck's up with that.. this yr, it seems, the rules are more stringent than last year's.. maybe cos it's also due to me being in year 2 now.. but year two shouldn't compromise on being interesting as compared to year one.. just doesn't make sense.. why can't we all play hard and study hard all the time? uGh...

saw pj's hair today.. *muakx* it's ok la.. heh.. not all that bad.. so dun worry, ya? it's just the back looks kinda straight.. but then again, hair can always be changed.. what with all the modern technology available today.. hair rebonding, perming, elaborate styles of trimming, gel, mousse, wigs.. you name it.. yep.. that's the trend.. with improved technology and research, everyone's getting more beautiful and stylish.. especially if they have money to boot. look around you.. do you see any reli reli ugly ppl? this sucks.. why am i the only ugly one left in the whole of this beautiful perfect society?

reminds me of a song i wrote a few years back: "perfection". likening it to an obsession.. etc etc.. blahblah.. dunno where i dumped it anyway.. sucks.

seems that one of those straggler thots might be becoming hard cold reality.

BAM. one knock.
BOOM. you're out.

i'm not making sense aren't i?

drifted around in my head for some time yest.. and today my fren kinda confirmed it.

i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it....

ugh. sucky as usual.. why this? why that? why everything? -_-;

guess it's back to square one now.. how to upgrade this image of mine.. red alert red alert.. calling 9-9-9.. we need a spanking brand new dith to go.. =/

why is it that amongst all of the many friends i have (or seem to have, i tell myself) i appear the most yucky? there seems to be nothing going my way, nothing. big fat absolute zero. that's what i am. always destined to be.

i know i know. i sound damn pessimistic. but i know it's true. and i don't give a shit. not reli. how to? when you've been like this your entire life? why am i not outstanding or attractive or smart enough? the things i do just don't seem enough.. improvement takes time, they say.. to achieve near perfection, you just have to keep upgrading yourself.

i try. i reli do. but i seem to be the one lagging - as always.

=/

anyway, enuf about that.. the video presentation during mass civics today was rather inspirational. perhaps i should follow in his footsteps.. what's his name again? sinclair? can't rem..

perhaps i should gouge out my eyes with a pitchfork, stab my ears to death with a knitting needle and iron my face flat with the latest tefal model. then i'll learn touch language, weave baskets for 60 years, travel the world 10 times and have a special documentary made about myself. -_-; uGh.

(enuf dith, enuf.)

can't think anymore. but what to do in this space of time that i have to waste? stone. or do hw. jes out in amk running some errands.. nvm. solitary confinement. i can do with that. one of these days i'm bound to crack and fear facing the world of disgracing tourists with the ugly side of my country - me.

ugh ugh ugh.

schlibdith 16:31pm
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:14:00 PM

Monday, January 27, 2003

oh fuck fuck fuck
sweet fucking fuckers of fuckland.

i think i'm down with the dreaded t again. tonsilitis.

sure feels like it.

throat gone all swollen and numb again.

in addition to that i think i've got my sis + mom's bug.

oh fucking hell. why must it fucking be me.

cny coming in half a week's time.

fuck. double fuck.

i guess it's off to the doc's for me again.

he might reccomend a tonsilectomy... again.

crap. life is fucked.

_|_
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:30:00 PM

today while walking home i was thinking. today while i was trying to get through endless tutorials i was thinking. today while i was having pe and running my ass off i was thinking. today while my classmates ate lunch and chit-chatted i was also half-thinking.

i realise i think quite a bit. sometimes even dwelling on things that make no sense; just random theories derived from my insensible and dysfunctional brain. sometimes i focus on the same thing far too often. i wonder, does that make it an obsession? obsessive compulsive disorder. doesn't apply to me, really... yet i guess, yes, to a certain extent, everyone has the tendancy to become obsessed over something.
the new suede single comes to mind now.

"i like my obsession. it makes me feel safe."

perhaps you have seen that quote towards the very end of the video. thinking back on it over and over again, i find that the truth contained in it becomes plainer everytime. people can be obsessed over the weirdest things. plastic bag collection, over a person, a tv show, a function of daily life.. well, you get my drift.

the thing is, for some people, it acts like a security blanket for them to fall back upon. in times of distress, ironically, it could be the one thing that keeps them sane and able to function as an average contributing human in today's society. for example, given the crudest of examples, if one happens to be obsessed with porn, (don't laugh. you could be one of those people.) this might help relief stress. okay okay, i know what your brain is picturing now. keep it to yourself. we all know that you know what we think you're imagining. hah. for another individual, it could be food. cramming massive amounts of chewable, tasty edibles into one's mouth; experiencing the textural stimulation... well, it's enough to get your mouth watering thinking about this.

unfortunately, there are downsides to obsessing over something. given the mindset of people, most would agree and say, 'yeah. being obsessed is bad. you'd better get yourself to a psychiatrist... soon!' too much of one thing is never good. have you not heard that too much of a vitamin, supposedly a good substance, can be harmful? take things in moderation. too much porn can lead you into the sticky hands of the law, too much food can land you in hospital. but at least, it gives you something to do when you're bored. you can switch off and just lazily drift away on that cloud of yours, thinking casually of well, what you usually think of.

people have said i'm in my own world sometimes. most of the time i try not to be. i try to sit up straight, perch those spectacles on the tip of my nose, pen in hand, scribbling notes, putting on the most attentive expression i have and paying attention. yet somehow, over the years, we have all developed certain skills to drift off without being noticed and brought back to earth again. a famous skill that is widely utilised by many: stoning diligently. by 'diligently', i refer to your facial expression and body language, not where your mind actually is. you could be adrift ten thousand miles away in a desert, a few hundred leagues under the sea, or just hovering above the heads in the classroom, bobbing down everyone now and then to observe what everyone is doing, because, well, admit it, it is much more interesting than what the teacher's teaching anyway.
the only thing that drags you back to earth is the sound of your name, not just any sound, but the teacher's voice. the fastest and most effective way to destroy your bubble, splattering its contents back into the dingy classroom, emptying your head. you hastily fumble with your pencil, try to look calm and confident, and mumble out a barely audible answer that you hope is correct.

it happens to me quite a bit. although i -do- know what is going on, the suddenness of this attack knocks everything away, and replaces it with half-panic and the ever-unwelcome feeling of 'blurness'. you squint at the teacher, hoping she will forget she singled you out from a classroom of say, 20, sink further into your seat and attempt to look intellectual as you fumble with your lecture notes and give 360 degree sideway glances at your classmates, hoping to read their lips as they silently mouth the answer to you from behind the teacher.

ok. you answer. it's over. you relax like a ragdoll, limp, your breathing getting shallow as you slip back to where you left off... and perhaps, if lady luck is frowning upon you today, the cycle repeats itself. tough.

*******

today during general paper lesson (we had double gp) mrs leow wanted to talk to me. so i dragged a chair over at her request, thinking that perhaps, she wanted me, as her not-so-efficient lazy-yet-trying gp representative to carry out another task for her. assumming too soon as usual. i guess it was the after-effect of all the AQ we did earlier.

as you might know, she is also aj's resident counsellor. motherly and mild-looking, you wouldn't realise that her sarcasm, subtle and concealed, is a force of nature in itself.

it was a talk about my work attitude, disciplinary problems spilled over from the past year, and my general absence from school or lessons, or should i say, the frequency of it. revealing to me that i was one of her favourite students, and that my actions, surprising, as they were stupid and consequences unthought of, seemed uncharacteristic of my 'brightness' and capabilities.

so i told her: teachers always say that to their students to motivate them, encourage them to change, etc. yes, it's true. seems that everyone has told me this at one point or another in my life. it's basically a standard answer, template drafted out to use on students of the world.

of course, i should have expected her disagreement.

i mean, a teacher, especially a guidance counsellor, cannot possibly tell a student straight in the face, that yes, she is indeed in denial, and it is merely something she says.. well, just because everyone ELSE tells their students or children that.

i mean, define 'bright'. how the hell would she know if i were bright or dull or if i glowed like a freaking thirty watt chandelier? everyone is bright, in one way or the other. please, don't use bright on me, it's common and lacking of specifics.

one thing, i look extremely blur most of the time. it's not a facade, i am blur. she told me that yeah, i could use it as a defence, and that in actual fact, i wasn't blur at all. to a certain extent, i guess she's right. right on the ball. hit the bull right smack on the nose, etc etc.. whatchamacallit. bullseye, etc. if i actually concentrate and listen, i can catch what has been said, even explain to my friends if they ask. don't ask me how i do it. perhaps my soul is with the devil. sells well. *shrug*

she said i had a flair for writing. yet sometimes, when she reads my essays, she will sigh and notice that i didn't bother. how, i ask, do you see that? what is 'bother' and 'didn't bother'? for me, i guess if i even bothered to hand up any work at all, it's good enough. perhaps even miraculous, for select subjects. singlish is now a large part of my life. i find it hard to write even now, as i resist the urge to slip in a few 'la's and 'loh's here and there. alternative spelling's beginning to seem like a norm in writing to me. i guess i had better quit that habit fast.

she kept telling me to pull up my socks for the rest of this year ahead. i am trying. a somewhat improvement from last year. but as they say, habits are hard to break; and i find the bad habits piling up, while the good ones just stay in storage, stagnant, or gradually waste away, forgotten. recently i've been late for school. twice. and it's barely febuary. casey goh already knows my face. i collected my ez-link card from her today outside the staffroom (again). and she looked at me, cocked her head, a twinkle in her eye, as she gave that frenly toothy grin of hers and asked: "haven't i seen you before?"

another reason why i give my teachers grief. mrs leow also mentioned the numerous times she caught sight of mdm foo lecturing me nicely in the staffroom, while she went past, silently shaking her head as she thought: "oh no, what has meredith gone and done again this time?" stringent schools. defiance aplently. that's me. ben3 xing4 nan2 yi2. a person's original character is hard to shift, similar to a solitary person trying to move mountains.

mrs leow also mentioned something about me going off to rob a bank. she apparently mentioned that it was these tiny things that caused more pain than larger misdemeanors. personally, i don't see any wrong in any of this. apart from not handing in homework on time or appearing uninterested and self-absorbed during lessons. i try, i really do. just not hard enough as people would like me to. i would never commit serious acts that would get me in trouble with the law. i'm not -that- stupid. i just commit all these tiny internal offences that somehow lead to buildup that needs to be scraped; liken it to layers of plague on unbrushed teeth. once i've gone there, i cannot turn back. a taste of what is beyond, what i can stretch and strain my limits to, and i'm hooked. okay, not -that- bad, but sometimes i unknowingly do things that will lead to eventual reprimandation from various teachers.

consequences, consequences. a blind corner indeed for me.

teachers describe me as defiant, and i actually told mrs leow that in times of total boredom, a little breaking of rules, rebellion in my own way, against the system (aka defiance) provoked some excitement. interestingly enough, she agreed with me (or is that what she's paid to do?) reaching out to smack me playfully yet motherly -and- encouragingly on my arm for the third time in that talk. she shared with me her own way of defying the system, a more direct, yet lawful way of standing up and supporting her arguements or opinions if she did not agree with anything that was said. she said the world needed more people like that, people like... me?

solemnly yet sadly she told me she had really wanted to put my name down for the pre-U seminar, but was compelled not to, as my (outstanding?) record held her back. i do recall my classmate photostating a copy of the form, and telling me that i should go as it was more of a gp seminar than a pre-U one. a joke, but in actuality, it had truth. however, people like me welcome the fact that they have been let off a certain duty, and are given the opportunity to 'shirk' it. i was up for the seminar last year, but i did not get past the interview. aye, who gives a damn. extra work. XD

enough about the 'inspirational' talk with mrs leow. now it's time for the events of the day, followed by the weather forecast for tomorrow.

needless to say, i was late for physics lab. and by late, my guess is about fifteen minutes to half an hour. walked to the third floor (i always get mixed up with the chemistry lab and the physics lab level) looking for my class, then realised when i saw a chemistry teacher conducting laboratory work, that i was indeed on the wrong level. why oh why am i so blind? the white tag above the room stares so glaringly at everyone: "chemistry lab".

scooted a floor down where the tags read "physics lab", first class nearest the staircase were the familiar faces of 17/02. knocked politely on the door and apologized to mdm tay, then took my seat on the bench in front of her.

the experiment today was extremely interesting. it involved stationary waves... my favorite! i guess it's because i can never unravel the mystery behind it. how simple vibrations can cause that phenomena. magic. it's simply magical.

however... i got a tongue lashing from mdm tay regarding my absence from school on two days. sucks. and to think that perhaps i might have earned her trust. she's become so much better this year, cracking jokes that the class can actually laugh at, not just sit and stare silently, wide-eyed. mom's supposed to give her a call to explain my absence, and to confirm that i was really sick. the thing is, my mom's currently voiceless for a few days. this bug going around in the air. sister's gotten it too. with two people coughing from both sides at me, how can i avoid the inevitable? i'm sick now too. just in time for chinese new year. at least it will mean not having to miss school and not having to explain my absence, which i have been so tiresomely and repeatedly forced to do so. i brought it upon myself anyway. but my tonsilitis last year couldn't be helped. i hope what i have now's just a simple bug and not some friggin inflammation of my tonsils all over again; although they feel quite sore. this sucks. and i -did- avoid chocolate like the plague. uGh.

was late for school today. i didn't really mind. only my second time this term, can't make it a habit anymore or i'll be up for yeoman. three strikes and you're out, mister! surrendered my ez-link card then took my place with the other latecomers. mr tan gave me that cheesy & cheeky grin of his, that meant: "me-re-dith... late for school again huh...*wink*" he's really cute and friendly... for a teacher. the bad thing about knowing too many teachers too well (for things good and bad) can be a bad thing at times, yet it can curry favour or lend you an advantage too! i won't say that i was unlucky in this situation. can i say that i actually liked the attention?

mr tan volunteered me to lead the pledge. i whined a bit, then complied when he said he would help me. so i stood in front and recited the pledge, hoping that i got the words correct. i paused at "to build a ...." and looked around to mr tan for a helping word. (and now, to play fill in the blank!) he mouthed and whispered "democratic", then i continued the pledge. when i told my friends later, they mocked me and jokingly said: "are you singaporean? lol" a j1 tchs guy was pledge leader number 2, as his mouth wasn't seen moving. he was stumped for awhile, and i couldn't help but grin at him. shows that i'm not the only one. now you know who regularly takes the pledge and who doesn't.

but i guess, if you do something everyday, it becomes so intuned with your daily precedings that you can say or do it routinely, but when asked to recall how exactly it is done, your mind goes blank and you cannot remember. take for example, pledge taking. although most of us (come on, admit) do not take it faithfully like every loyal citizen should, we subconsciously know all the words to it by heart. another example would be the exact sequence in which we take a bath. what do you wash first? with which hand? in what manner. *blank look* and we're more or less at a loss for words, trying hard to recall.

after pledge-taking, i turned around to leave, and as the crowd dissipated, a familar voice called out my name. yuzhong was late too! what a surprise. i laughed at him and he laughed at me too. went to the auditorium together for maths lecture together; and as usual, theng yiu laughed and said: "oh, so you both came together.. i see i see.. hahahahaha!" in response i grinned and said: "yeah, so we did. *smile*" think yz had quite a bad cold today, his nose was all red and stuff.. i think he kept sniffling. it's that darned flu bug, i tell ya.. rampaging islandwide, planting parts of itself in us.

pe was ok today. quite slack. i actually had some fun. we did two rounds around the track, and i initially half-limped due to the cut on my toe. gathered at the netball court for some exercise and ball-passing and catching. soon kinda forgot about my toe. amazingly, the usually laborious pe was over in a jiffy; normally it would seem like eternity before it ended.

weight taken as usual after. i lost weight! now it's 2.3 kg more and i'm home free! the final stretch is in sight! at least, when the scale convinces me that i'm not overweight and not in taf anymore, i am one step nearer to feeling better about my bulges and fats.

met jes outside the canteen for the usual gossip and hanging out session. =)

mmm.. guess i have nothing more to say now. been blogging solidly for who knows how long now. i bet this entry's gonna be like, 5000 words or some shit. who cares.

anyway, some random thoughts i put down:

do not take every single thing in life too seriously. it will cause good things to lose their sparkle and fun; turn it topsy-turvy around into a chore. it will cause failures to affect you more deeply, more personally, than if you just make a joke out of it and resolve to try harder the next time. see those straight-faced people, unsmiling, walking as stiff and as straight as an (unwarped) board, where everything placed before them deserves a frown and a concentrated wrinkling of the brow. what fun will it merit you if being teased or poked fun at is taken as people intentionally meaning to hurt you? laugh, and return the ridiculement. it builds relationships. besides, isn't laughter the best medicine? and most of all, it's free and freely available. you just have to open your eyes wider to see (or feel) it.

another valuable lesson in life: do not expect too much, for you might end up disappointed and drained from your anticipation. expect the minimal. that way, when faced with a sinking situation, your sorrow or regret will not be too great, and you are hence able to deal with it positively. vice versa, if the outcome is a resounding success, what have you to lose? success will be sweeter and more of a pleasant shock, although your future expectation for a similar situation might be raised. it could boost your self-esteem and push you to strive harder; to reach goals that were once too far away that are now closer, albeit a hair's breath away. a tiny inch sometimes is all it takes to make a great difference.

can gut feelings be trusted?
i've been asking myself that a lot lately. i have this gut feeling that bugs me.. well, two. and i don't really like either of them. i thought i decided that enough is enough. no more for me. if i'm looking for any, can't it be elsewhere, in reality? this sucks. when i want something, it shys away from me. and when i don't need or don't intend to do anything, they just keep coming like flies on a summer's day. why is life so unpredictable and unfair? why can't the right thing happen at the right time to the right person? another thing. am i too suspicious? or just being overly sensitive here. why can't i be the winning party here for once? why can't i get what i want for once? i guess, if you know that it's impossible to achieve something, or it seems like an overly daunting task to you, you let go; give up.. but it's my security blanket, and i ask myself this every day: why? i'm full of unanswered questions. some of which i know the answer to, deep down inside of me, yet i either will choose not to acknowledge it, or avoid it.

vagueness is key here. i'll keep it vague like that. =)

gotta start on maths or i'll have to do detention tomorrow with ms tan. going online to check who's on irc. i hope i won't get stuck there. wish me luck! and i hope you did not lose too much precious time (or sleep) reading through all this crap. ;)

wUv cRaPｲdith~ (ｰ_ｺ )
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:36:00 PM

Sunday, January 26, 2003

uGh. nearly fell off the chair i was sitting on. luckily i jerked back to the waking world in time...
a sure sign that i -need- my bed..
haha...

night! (reli!) XDXDXD
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:46:00 AM

wth man. ivle not working. instead i get a 502 bad gateway msg.. aRgh... i wanna do work also wun allow me to. shitty ivle man.. starting to get light outside.. hmmx. i should sleep soon.. but fuck. hair smells like fuck man... all smoky and stuff.. altho i saturated it in tons of shampoo just now.. -_-; _|_

one thing i hate about clubs is the smoke. saw alot of ppl smoking.. some i din even know did that.. ajc leh.. haix... i'm a passive smoker. and on the contrary, i CAN'T quit the habit... -_-; how to right? when ur surrounded by smoke? .....

stayed back on fri to help decorate classroom for cny thingy.. haha... den we did some talking as usual again... teachers can't wait for 17/02 to graduate, it's been said.. stupid la dey. are we -that- bad? and even if we are, i guess the feeling's mutual.. but i only wanna graduate from ajc's lessons.. cos there are some ppl i have my eye out for... haha.... =X

left for amk cental after that.. met jes n karene at macs... hung out till 6+ den walked back to sch cos they had astro.. and i walked back to the mrt station... met fren to borrow id... they din reaffirm the details with me man.. perhaps they thot i looked the the gal in the pic.. haha....

reli falling aslp now...
okie okie
talk laterx....
night!~~~
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:45:00 AM

miserly miserly miserly..

hahah.. no one buaya me today.. so sad.. got dance -briefly- with a few guys.. and by briefly.. it's like, less than 5 min... =/ actually, i dun give a shit.. was kinda.. no.. -very- distracted today.. dancing dancing dancing.. den turn around looksee who's where who's around, etc.. couldn't dance today either.. damn sucky.. at least my feet dun hurt as much as the first time i went to lush..
possibilities:
1. din reli dance.. you say leh
2. seasoned shoes?
3. feet too hard liao.. xi guan le..
4. aiyah. dunno.

music not say wonderful.. better than centro tho.. >.< rnb la.. but certain songs got a certain beat that you can -reli- dance to.. others are like.. blah. eminem's lose urself is a wonderful song.. but i cannot reli dance to that.. it's like.. no kick after sometime.. i reli grooved to prodigy's firestarter.. hmm.. den towards the end they played all techno-ish songs.. no singing or stuff.. why nvr play nelly's hot in here? dammit.. or britney spear's (eee.. damn her! XD) boys.. how about.. hmm.. alot of songs din play leh.. and i like sooooo darn MANY.. personally.. i prefered the lush party i went last yr.. also my first one.. altho i got groped and kinda violated, i grooved like hell.. aRgH... =/ what's wrong with my groove man.. haix.. today i drank 5 cups of alcohol.. 3 bourbon coke.. 2 vodka sprite.. so sian.. but i like bourbon coke! eh.. today either the alcohol not v strong, or i'm getting used to it. haix... that's a bad sign, innit? i like swigged it down without feeling much.. >.< gosh.. i'm becoming a drinker man.. drinker dith will end up drunkard dith... disgusting dith. lol.. haven't reli gotten drunk before.. only once when i was 10... and that is not reli drunk loh.. what's up with that man.. anyway being in a drunken stupor is just plain sucky.. i wun wanna try it.. i'll just have enuf to make me feel like i had my moolah's worth, and get high.. and sugar high to groove on the dance floor....

yep... =)

orh ya.. toe freaking hell urm.. nope it doesn't hurt. but there's a fucking gash on my big toe.. =/ caked blood around it.. haix.. washed most of it off, but din reli wanna tackle it.. ugh.. i'm a wuss la.. dunno how the FUCK i landed up with it man.. uGhx.. i recall ppl stepping on my toes.. hmm.. maybe i got it -just- before heading to the toilet. which was like what... 3am? when the party ended (or nearly ended) felt sth sharp briefly graze past my toe.. din reli think nth of it.. toes all numb n cramping up from all the dancing in heels too... hate heels man... -_-; why do gals have to wear em?

lights went on, i pottered around before heading upstairs to the toilet...saw my toe halfway and was like omifriggingosh.. there's sth on my shoe.. like a round patch of sth.. =/ thot it was a fucking shadow initially.. den it was WET and STICKY and it smelled of Fe3+.. what the fuck? got into a stall and frantically wiped the blood away, but it just didn't seem to stop.. haix.. kept oozing out from my fucked up toe.. =( i did the best i could for it.. perhaps it was also due to me being on my feet the whole time.. blood all collected in my toes... so that's why there was alot of blood.. felt reli disgusted.. and sickened.. was this my retribution for skipping the blood screening on wed? perhaps. i guess there was enuf blood to fill a vial or sth... uGHx..

dumped the wad of toilet paper in the toilet bowl.. looked like someone urm... (you know) haha.... toilet din wanna flush.. sensor-operated.. manual like cannot... -_-; put another wad of toilet paper over to cover up eventually when i gave up.. and guess what? it flushed on me.. diao~ freaking technology... -____-;

stumbled outside the pub and called my fren.. found them.. den i complained about my fucking ass bleeding toe.. and i began to feel faint and disorientated.. uGhx.. nearly fainted man. what a sight to behold.. either i cannot take the sight of blood or i lost too much blood? siaox... everything was like going in fuzzy tv spots.. my ears begin whooshing.. tunnel vision.. i was like sinking into a tunnel or fuzzy spots.. everything turned hollow... like as if you have water in your ears.. a bad case of it.. that's how it felt.. luckily i told my frens about it.. and the guy sitting on a nearby chair kindly eradicated it.. i sorta fumbled and felt my way to it.. and uncertainly collapsed onto it.. put my head between my knees.. at first felt like i would barf or some shit.. but i din.. started feeling better.. fren says i was like -scary- pale kinda.. haix... it even scared the shit outta me man.. shit man.. keeled over in the chair for awhile.. started feeling more like normal, vision returned, so i sat up and observed my surroundings.. ppl leaving the pub... groups of ppl gathered around.. some dead drunk, some just sitting around resting.. some just damn shagged from all that booty-shaking. lol..

sat there for awhile den we went walking around the area.. me half-limping cos my toe was beginning to get that weirdish penetrating pain that you get when you're cut or some shit like that.. i guess it's the blood cells coagulating to form the beginnings of a scab over it.. passed by cafe cartel.. hmm.. saw some frens and sch mates.. one of them dead drunk, slumped in the corner... won't say who tho... my near fainting spell also rendered me like that for 10 mins... haix...

4 gals, sexilly clad (eh. minus one - me.. XD) hopped into a waiting cab to lau pa sat.. reeking of alcohol, smoke and sweat.. discussion about who was dancing with who.. and which guy was hot, etc ensued.. hmmx.. i din reli have anything to say.. i was dancing alone most of the time... sad hor... told ya liao.. miserly.. no guy buaya me.. and i'm not the loose kind who will buaya a guy.. danced atop the podium.. first time i ever did that.. ok la.. i'm a sucky dancer.. but who gives a shit, right? haha... parked my ass there till 2.30+ den got tired and stepped down.. still couldn't find anyone.. haix.. think some of them also became drunk or tired.. and were not dancing no more.. uGHx.. sad.. =/

i had grass jelly desert at lau pa sat.. $1.. not bad.. hmmx.. still have 15 bucks left.. 5 dollars short of what i took from the envelope containing the gp fund.. haha.. should be able to pay that back, i hope.. gotta stat papers on mon.. yep... reminder reminder.. set reminder... heheh.. stoned and talked there for awhile den took a cab back.. cost me 10.95... i think the taxi driver charged me 10.90.. cos i realised i had been handed a 10cent coin while i was in the shower and it clinked out from my jeans..

gingerly bathed cos din wanna wet my toe.. gah.. i'm soooo pathetic.. in the end, i emerged victorious in my mission... haha.. lol.. but i cleaned off the smudged and dried blood around it... i re-examined it.. semi deep gash.. around an inch long on the top right hand corner of my big toe.. where the skin's hard.. so it's not so painful.. i know i should reli wash it.. cos it might get infected.. but no... i'm a wuss, remember?

oh yeah.. liquid courage.. i guess going to a pub and ingesting alcohol kinda makes you high, more approachable and more daring.. henceforth the name. it's true loh.. some ppl i see in sch.. rarely talk to... or dun even talk to.. in pub they'll just reach out and easily touch me... in a frenly way la, not buaya way... and in pubs.. it's like guys are like, when they pass by a gal, they kinda hold her waist for awhile as they past? dunno.. no idea... maybe it's also dark.. can't reli see.. or maybe i'm too large.. dunno where i start and dunno where i end.. hahaha.. massive dith.. o.0; was wearing a black top too... so i guess that contributed to that...

seize the oppotunity! <-- words of encouragement for meself.. haha... for me to know and for you to find out...

at least i'm kinda happy today.. i accomplished some things.. haha.. doesn't reli consider clubbing... just my personal lame aspirations.. lolx.... none the worse for wear cept for my freaking toe-gash... and perhaps gotta face me dad's black face tml.. stern and unspoken.. scarier man....

so proud of miself on sat afternoon.. i did quite a bit of hw .. it's normally how much i would finish in 3 days if i set my mind to it... haha.. daunting task: clear the mountain (everest) of backdated hw.. AND do the new hw before teacher goes thru and you end up copying blindly like a fool, learning nth.. -_-;

shit man.. yawning now.. hope i dun type shit rubbish like the previous entry... what canteen auntie indeed?! siaox.. dunno what the hell i was dreaming about.. =/ yep.. i guess that's about enuf shit for today... some ppl can't even be bothered to wade thru all these (meaningless) words that i have spent time and effort and energy to put down... haha.. but it's a release to me.. i like reading thru old entries.. =)

anyway... night~~~~
i go dl stuff from IVLE... hahahahah... UNEXPECTED HOR!!!
can hear dad snoring... good sign...
wUv shaggedDith.... *_*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:18:00 AM

Saturday, January 25, 2003

eyelids are like heavy droopy meat sacks over my eyes now.. i'm damn tired, yet i'm still up, yawning and blogging... perhaps i'll wake up in the morning to yet another incoherent piece of shit entry.. as usual..

maybe kim's going with me to lush.. there's always hope, innit? i reli hope she'll go.. XD

hmm.. i don't understand guys.. don't still.. never will.. no idea what their intentions are... actually, it can be said that i dun understand the human race.. gals even.. but gals i can just like bio them so easily.. go around playing with them.. saying i wanna jio them.. telling them they're v pretty.. haha.. damn buaya stuff.. but it's ok... between sexes, it's more of a mutual joke thingy, yknow?

thinking about ppl who come from pure co-ed sch, pure single sex sch or a mixture of both at one point in their lives.. i wonder which is better.. perhaps it can be generally deduced that most ppl from pure single sex tend to be more reserved toward the other gender.. or den again, does it depend on the individual him/herself? i have no idea.. some ppl are just too frenly for nuts.. others are cold as ice.. and there are always those in betweeners.. i guess i would be labelled as one of them.. not reli cold, yet not frenly when i'm too shagged.. i feel like i'm drowning in slp now tho.. it's weighing me down... i need my bed!

nig smsed me today asking how to go to animehouse... i think i'll bring him one day.. just hope that i rem the path there.. altho i know it's sort of a somewhat straight route, i get lost easily.. directional deficiency disorder? DDD? lol....
seems they're always making disorder this, deficiency that, etc.. like i read somewhere.. fanciful beefed up wear... kaoax....

ehm... i'm like so fucking damn tired now.. guess i'll blog tml... rem to remind to to stat for gp.. test coming soon too.. haix.... halfwatching eh.. i mean.. halfwatching in my dream the lady who mans the fruit stall also selling jelly..

ah okie then
night! damn tired here...
wUv shAggedDith
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:35:00 AM

Friday, January 24, 2003

fucking hell. pangseh pangseh pangseh seems to be the word of the day.. wait.. word of the week more like it. avril concert today. kena pangseh. sort of la.. uGh.. actually it was quite ok.. got totally squished up in the crowd. some hair torn out from my scalp. getting pushed around till i moved places unwillingly.. became esp bad when she came onstage.. ev1 started swimming to the front and shoving like crazy.. those blardee foreigners at the front kept shoving their asses back. she wore a thong/gstring.. wtf is with that man.. haix.. ppl were fainting and security were like carrying them out.. those small kids.. a guy.. cuss words aplenty flying back and forth from carefully madeup lips.. genteel looking faces.. etc

she did an hour long concert i think.. played all (or nearly all) the songs on her album.. played guitar.. spoke to the audience.. etc..
i emerged all hot sweaty and wet.. with other ppl's hair on my shirt.. ugh. looked like total crap. no idea what i smelt like too.. uGh.. din give a damn anyway. basically just followed the crowd to cityhall mrt.. haiyox.. took train to marina den back to tpy.. got off, waited for the bus.. went home.. stoned, ate, watched tv (a bit of Being John Malkovich) bathed..

frens all pangseh me for lush. now all not going. i ask, what the HELL is THIS?! haix.. now it's either:
1. go with yingzhi's clubbing clique
2. go with christabel's clubbing clique (which also includes a couple of guys i know from aj)
3. go with a stranger (cannot. that would confirmed be dangerous)
4. dun go at all until after A's...
5. continue stoning.

i dunno. i know if i dun go, i'll regret it. i know if i go i also might regret it. no close frens going.. cannot get bloody shit freaking drunk. maybe when i'm 18 i'll buy a carton of booze and booze myself to stonamentville... should be fun.. drink until my eyeballs pop out. drink until i lose all sense. drink until... whatever....

feeling quite sad now loh... =/

can life get anymore suckier? yes. and it will.
i know so.

ok. i know i'm making a fuss over a tiny party.. but hey.. i so want to go.. and i'm getting pangseh..
if i go with other frens..
1. will i sia suay myself?
2. i will feel uncomfortable.. but den again there's nothing a few glasses of alcohol wun fix..
3. moneymoneymoney
4. alamakx.. will they even CARE about ME?
5. what's the point? _|_

uGHh.........................
hellx. think i'll go out after sch tml...
wherever i dun care.

just go.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:45:00 AM

Thursday, January 23, 2003

wahaha.. read kelv's blog.. yep.. (i sawwww it, kelv!!!! XD) dunno if he made the remark meaning that we looked too good, or HE looked too good.... ahahahax... i presume it's me and pj.. hehe.. synapse was generally interesting.. dunno how i am gonna churn out the article.. frankly i'm kinda tired, and the prospect of doing something that NEEDS to be GOOD kinda tires me out.. hehe.. but at least it's a fun article.. unlike kelv or the other members who are like sooooo enthu about undertaking various tasks simultaneously.... wah.. esp nick.. omg.. hahaa.. crazee guy.. vaguely recall him from the gp bridge class thingy.. was he a parent? hahah..a bereived (spelling .. uGh) parent mourning over the loss of his daughter due to kidney failure.. haha.. can tell he's a crapper.. lol..

seems of late, i'm meeting new ppl, making new frens.. that's good in a sense.. get to mingle more with ppl.. and i find myself always mixing with some guys with my class.. stuck in the proj.. guess my perspective has kinda changed.. the two sexes now are freer and easier.. more relaxed and comfortable with each other.. unlike when we first arrived.. a touch or a kind word signalled that something deeper that friendship was going on.. i guess that was how our thinking went on during that period.. lolx..

crashed ny today for fren's bdae.. hehe.. her reaction was so.... OMG.. haha.. enlisted the help of a few insider spies.. hehe.. wf! XD she never expected him to be one of them.. lolx.. first time i went to ny too.. nice place. but aj's canal is bigger! nyanyanya! hhehe.. ah well.. ran into xiu xian.. 1st three month's classmate.. din like her and she stuck like shit glue to me.. uGhs.. kinda being mean here.. but i guess it was good to run into her.. for her to see me in my aj uni, and slimmer than when we first met.. uh huh uh huh.. okok, you guys, pretend you din see this.. lolx

anyway... plus side of joining synapse.. *drum roll please* MEGAN!!!!!! ahhhhhAHhhh.. and she still remembers me. so hapi, k.. looks like i'm gonna give her another flower for teachers' day again this yr! ^^ 1st 3 months teacher.. she's lovely.. alot of ppl hate her, think she's a damn bitch.. damn fierce.. but i think she's reli sweet, nice and kind.. ahh.. used to rave on and on about her nice ass.. =X hehehe.. whoops.. XD

4 ij gals sighted in synapse thus far.. carmen doing article on homosexuality. guess that should apply to me.. but i swear, i have no preference for sex.. haha.. erm.. actually, yes.. i normally crush on guys.. but for gals, it's basically a physical thing, yknow? hahaha.. hope you loyal readers out there dun get too disgusted lol.... XD my fan base~~~~ i need you guys~~~~! hehehe... carmen's a reli nice gal.. damn cute too.. bet alot of guys are swooning over her.. i think ms yip called her.. erm.. some name.. hahaha.. forgot what tho.. not a good name... in dialect.. XD
some 'po' thingy at the end.. hehe...

must go back ij for cny mass! junior made sth for me!!!! =D wanna see jo teo in her new form fitting clothes and tight tush! wanna see ppl in blue pinafores!

hehehe.. erm.. think kelv's gonna avoid me now.. hehe.. have a fetish for the dear sweet ms ng.. but when she's fierce, she's DAMN scary. when she laffs too.. cos she can't stop! hehehe... and it's damn cute laffter... lolx!~

kelv: din you see me looking at megan with a look of desire? =P hope i'm about the same on irc as in real life, lol..

playing cake in ny canteen today.. auyong running chasing us with cream.. whooo~~~` no one as bad as her tho.. lol.. we are mad indeed.. but twas fun... hehehe.. the LICKING!!!! =X

hehehe.. wun elab on that.. lata ppl angry.. lol..

went to pizzahut for dindin. ate like siao until wanted to puke... went home with ml and her mom... hehe.. going for reunion dindin at her house on 2nd day of cny i think.. =D yay!~ chi1 tuan2 yuan2 fan4! can't wait.. ^^

leave you guys with a quote like i promised.. this one goes out esp to mu, owl, xie ren, and esp auyong!!!!
"liang3 ge4 yuan2 yuan2 de4" - auyong

(did i get it right? lol..)
got her a dreamcatcher for her bdae.. =)
funfunfunday today..but tiring.
tml also tiring day ahead. diediedie..
blog tml, better turn in.. ev1 on irc asking why i not aslp yet.. lol..

nighterZ~~
wUv dith~ ^-^*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:02:00 AM

I wonder how i am gonna survive without coming online. Singnet is now revoking its toll-free promotion, and mysingtel (aka zapsurf) is charging an access fee of 2 cents/min on top of its standard phoneline charge. I guess that would make 2.7 cents / min on peak hours for zapsurf per min, and hence $1.12 per hour. What the hell is with that? ok... They're trying to push sales of broadband services innit? Okok singnet/zapsurf, I get your drift. I'm obselete, on my snail-crawling 56k modem. uGH. dammit. this sucks. large companies (in this case, part of an oligopoly) using marketing ploys AND methods to direct sales in that direction. fuck it. _|_

Quite pissed over that, as you can tell... *sigh*

Sitting in LL for gp prj presentation. last group's presenting. i think this spanned a total of 2 weeks' worth of gp periods. Not reli a waste of time. i can stone, or paper blog, just pretend that i'm copying notes diligently. heard that pe dept's after my ass again. Nothing new. ms ong gonna tell mdm foo.. also nth new. bleh. as if i give a damn.

Just was listening to mrs leow going on about organ selling and stuff. to sell your body after you die. especially if you're in debt. bones can even be ground to make gum, organs can be sold, in fact the whole body can be used. She also went on about Calcutta, and a book that documentated events in it. organ selling, body selling, etc. People dying on the streets every single night, and in the mornings, pavements would be littered with corpses. nameless, faceless, to be cleared away like trash. Tourists going there armed with digicams and living in 5-star hotels, yet leaving after a day or two at the sight of dead bodies littering the luxurious exterior of the hotel to trod amongst ppl barely able to subsist on what morsels they may be fortunate enough to find, yet hardly enough to sustain life for a normal lifespan.

Tourists leave. not out of horror nor fright; i'm sure they knew the consequences before they decided on the visit, but did not anticipate their own embarrassment when they, clad in the clothes of the affluent, living in comparable palaxes to the hard dusty cold street, had to walk amidst the poor, miserable civillians, who, are NOT there by choice, NOT there for a holiday, but are there living day to day as tho it is their last, for what seems an eternity, until they pass out, to be swept off the pavement for even more people in worse plights to huddle in the once warm spot.

class gonna take blood screening test lata in the reading room. yucks. i'm so calmn here, which is so unlike me. reason being that i'm not gonna take it. can't stand it. won't stand it. yeah.. me and my great fear of needles/jabs/immunisations/injections. whatchamacallit? needle-o-phobia? (note to self: find the scientific term! :P) i told, yes, i told... not to sound rude or anything, but i told my mom that: "i can't. please tick the box not consenting to immunisations in sch, but neither am i gonna take it from my family doc, and sign on the dotted line."

Sad to say this, but suicide was on my mind the last time i had to take a needle. and it was just a measley mantoux test (aka skin test) to check the level of my immunity towards... eh... tubercolosis? is that what BCGs protect against? no idea. fell into despair, depression, friends got all irritated with me, i shunned society. and on the day itself, i appeared in sch all trembly and white.. haix.. think it was caused by a past bad experience, was one of the last ones to take it, so scared like hell.. haix..

i know you're prob looking at the comp screen now thinking: "what the hell?!"

-dith 10+am, LL
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:32:00 AM

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

okie.. blogging abit before cca starts.. dunno what time and where also.. maybe i sms kelv.. hehe.. bell just rang.. sux.. today my classmates went for screening.. they're all so brave k.. my nu`er also.. haiyox.. as for me... =/ too chicken to take it.. went to stone in the lounge and saw my nu`er there.. den went to talk some cok.. had the NE skit presentation thingy today.. realisation that ah lian doesn't know anything hit us.. if anything sounds chim enuf for her to not comprehend, she will give it highest praise and say it's good.. diao~
they wrote the skit yesterday while i was at the gp class thingy.. that's good in a sense that i can sort of unintentionally slack off and shirk my duty.. but i didn't ask to be put into the competition group.. eh.. classmates from the NE group coming over now.. yanhao they all.. he just called me.. eh.. think i blog lata lah, k..

tataz~
wUx schlibdith~!!
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:50:00 PM

Since when did i have a penis?

checking through my inbox today.. looking at all the junk mail/spam/porn mail flooding it. practically all 500 msgs are spam. spamspamspam. salty preserved meat. one mail caught my eye: "dith, enlarge your penis today!" or perhaps even the "ADV: hard rape blahblah" or perhaps the "dith, get your dream car today!" how about "*insert famous star's name* tells all about *insert another famous star's name*!" ...

ugh. that aside, i'm thinking about this sat's party at lush.. need to get an id.. nvm.. i guess it won't be too great a prob.. incomplete hw.. hmm.. math tut 21, chem assignment 24.. gp hol hw..

oh.. today i attended the gp bridge the gap class i think.. was conducted in lt5.. so many arts students.. so few science.. i guess it's kinda true when all the teachers say that arts students are better in the english language in general. look at my english standard and look at those in arts. what a world of difference. but nvm, i can't help it, i'm in science..
okok. i -know- i sounded condescending. wasn't reli meant to come out like this.. but bleh, i'm tired.. long day at sch today.. reached home around 7.30.. but i'm getting used to this j2 life.. fave place to park my ass now is the study area outside lt1.. filled with j2s.. all chionging tuts or studying or sleeping.. ahh.. good, i guess.. at least it -may- influence me to do some work.. did some math tut today.. i understand! =D

hmm.. what did we do in the gp enrichment class.. quite fun.. we assumed different views and roles.. and had to talk about cloning... kinda like acting... twas fun! i can't believe i'm saying this, but i can't wait for next week's session! lol... cloning again.. i wonder what new interesting thing we will do.. formed a group with jocelyn's fren.. and yongfeng who just walked in from pe.. so funny leh he.. (quite cute also) din recog me at first... bwur bwur onez.. i only changed mi parting what.. suggestion of my sec sch fren.. i look better with side parting horhor! anyway it's kinda fixed dere.. so coolx man~ hehehe.. kinda saboed yf today to be spokesman.. (sorry leh..) but he's so darn cute.. made ev1 laff.. megan ng laff until peng loh.. had to leave the room.. lol.. heheh..

after that was leaving sch, heard my name being called outside aj.. saw yanhao and theng yiu.. stood talking atop the covered drain near the canal talking about NE proj.. they changed the story again.. me so blur now.. =/ talked there till 7+ pm.. diao~ alot of crap also.. theng yiu can get so darn irritating at times loh.. but it's ok.. i'm normally cool with things.. =)

went home to watch moulin rouge on star movies.. sis went doc with mom.. she lost her voice.. i guess that's a good thing! hehe.. =D it was a good show! very arty kind.. i like! alot of parallel links here and there.. very interesting.. altho the main storyline's kinda overused.. but it's good! a different way of putting the same thing!
^^

previous update.. party at centro.. was too groggy back then.. saw all my typos, right? slept with wet hair.. had damn headache in the morn.. =/ nearly couldn't get in i mentioned before right? hehe.. but so lucky.. smartmouthed my blardee way in.. :X
chopped a uv chop on the inside of my wrist.. waited for the lift.. guy and his drunk fren stumbled out.. eee.. puddle of puke in the middle of the lift.. ppl were remarking:" no guesses for what he ate" .. lolx~! so we stood around it to go to the second lvl of centro.. not as big as i envisioned.. haix.. dance floor so pathetically small loh... what's up with that man.. but alot of comfy chairs... =D only one free drink.. din reli care what i drank.. so fren ordered vodka ribena.. any other ideas for what's not too strong but damn nice? hehe.. suggest suggest! =D i go try at lush cos got free flow! XD mom still so against me going.. =/

music was all trance and techno and house.. me dun like.. prefer rnb.. nicer to get my groove on! hehe.. saw some guy playing with flashlights.. erm.. very the parapara loh.. yux.. haha... but quite stylo lar.. at least he can twirl them.. ^^ on the dance floor saw this guy jumping up and down up and down like a damn kangaroo.. -_-; saw alot of frens too.. ij ppl! yeah!~~ one aj gal.. pri sch fren.. lol.. cool man... ^-^

at least jason said i din look fat in my getup.. think i'll recycle it for lush.. ^^ wanna groove like crazee baby~~~ den i'm stopping (reluctantly) till after As! heheh.. it has come to my attention that bigger sized ppl (or in MY case, fat ppl) have different standards for 'fat' or 'thin' or 'ok'.. we normally tend to think that ppl are ok if they are smaller than ourselves or around our size.. ppl are 'thin' if they are half or smaller.. yeah.. so basically i think 3/4 of my frens are thin or skinny or emanciated.. (spelling) lol.. only 5% of the ppl i see are 'fat'.. hmm.. but my standards are different from my frens.. haiz. my skinny frens.. >.<

3kg more to getting outta taf man! yeah go me! yeah baby!~ life accomplishment man.. wanted to do this all mi damn life.. =D yeah~~~~` finally i'll be considered 'normal'.. but what are facts and figures (damn pun on figures.. -_-) when you still have fat arms, a fat head, a few chins, jiggly thighs, etc? uGH. doesn't help at all... haix.. hate mi body k.. =/ can i have a spanking brand new one? =/

erm. gotta chiong hw. catch ya laterZ.. more updates.. maybe you can even suggest free response questions i can blog about on my tagboard when it's UP.. ｬ_ｬ

oyasumi minna-san!~~~ ^-^ seeya guys at lush k.... hehe..
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:32:00 AM

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

jes:

blogging aint useless.. it, in some sense, is a form of release, a place to let creativity flow, a place to jot down interesting happenings in your life, a place to rant, a place for you. sometimes reading about other peoples' days can make a world of difference. for instance, if you reli had this damn sucky day and are looking for something cheery yet lighthearted, perhaps reading about another person's happy day at sch can reli make the turnaround in mood possible. blogs are also interactive, with the tag-board msg board (which, for some friggin reason, is DOWN again..) sometimes reading about your friends' lives can also be a form of update if you've been too busy to catch up with that person, and by reading one's blog, there's also a feeling of increased proximity with that person. in some quirky sense, it builds relationships, however funny that might sound. reading other blogs can also make you forget about your current life and immerse you in another's, a form of escapism. which is also good, if you're trying to avoid a crap life like mine. =)

so treasure your blog as you would a friend.

sometimes reading back on past entries can bring back past (good) memories, make you laugh while reading bad ones, or feel better about your current life now. reminiscing can be good when you're in one of those nostalgic, sentimentalish moods.. ^^ it's a record of your life. and it's who you are.

blogging's good! really!
keep writing, babe!~

<3 dith
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:38:00 PM

they say that, being friendly and kind, your goodness will shine through.
is that a statement of fact?

i know it's not scientifically proven, but to hell with facts. by prolonged scrutiny, my own eyes have determined that it is indeed, a fact.

why so?

take a long hard look around you. look at all the people who are friendly and kind. look at all the people who are just friendly, all those who are just kind, and finally, those who are just plain old asses.

won't it just make your day to see a smiling face amongst many gloomy ones? to hear a cheerful, warm "hi" instead of facing indifferent stares day in day out? how about to know that someone out there or someoneS actually give a damn about your existance? to know that there are people willing to come to your aid.. perhaps even perfect strangers?

being gregarious has its plus side. for one, there are many friends to be made, albeit, easier.. more friends = more fun, right? perhaps.. but then again, there are come who just prefer a close knit group of close friends, rather than a large schoolful of acquaintances.. and then there are those who live in both worlds; they are the most fortunate.
having a good heart will also benefit society and yourself. some people like to believe that you are enriching your soul by doing good deeds, helping society, and eventually your spiritual growth.

but yes, it shines through. looking at a sea of faces, you find you are attracted most to the friendly faces or those that show kindness. altho average looking, they emit a certain glow, that radiates their smiling faces and open arms, and suddenly you feel you are looking at a most beautiful face.

yes. it makes you beautiful.
so don't stop being friendly or kind. don't stop smiling.

whoever said that inner beauty is hidden was lying.

it shows. in the most subtley obvious kind of way.

oxymoronic yet appealing.

smiles~ =)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:03:00 PM

monday 20th Jan 2003 4.07am

Can't say that i didn't bring this upon myself. 4am on a monday morning. I'm still awake. Rushing chem and maths hw.. still left more math and gp.. plus i have a makeup org chem test lata. sux. maybe i shouldn't have gone to centro. but it's over, so i shouldn't regret it. I din get into trouble tho. that was the plus side. haix.. hate mondays. end of resting days, pe. phy lab. suxsuxsux.. sure kena more scolding by teachers.. pengz.

mom's been nagging about me NOT going to lush next week. but for certain reasons, i -have- to go. and that's that. i always promise myself and promise others that i'll do this; do that. i hope this time it's different. a promise to start working hard and keeping hw up to date to the best of my abilities. I'll start in feb. that's what i say. will i stick to it? it will be tough. I'll need external help, even. ugh.

The thing is, it's ever so easy to just let go, and slip into oblivion. compare that to holding on for all your worth, dangling, struggling, going on.. picture this: you're hanging from the edge of a precipice. you don't wanna die, yet it's ever so -easy- when you are tired, worn to the point of -giving up-, spirit -broken-, hope -lost-. so what's left? the inevitable end. but if you don't try holding on, you may never know the outcome.

i don't doubt my abilities. they exist. no denying it.

i'm not being a prissy stuckup smartass here. everyone has abilities, it's just whether they have been unearthed and carefully nurtured. so mine are half dug up, and barely nurtured. what do i owe this to? simple. my laziness.

have to sleep now. matchbox 20's Disease on MTV.. suits me. disease = laziness. ergh. at least i'm not in denial, but then again, i've known this fact for eons. ugh. JustinGoJumpInTheLake's vid of Cry Me A River showing. I'll head off to bed now before i start dreaming of it, the horror!

goodnight.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:25:00 PM

Sunday, January 19, 2003

just came back from centro.. well.. sort of.. had a shower.. heheh.. was quite fun la.. i mean, first time in centro.. it's quite nice loh.. altho the dance floor not say very the very big.. cheh.. haix.. music also kinda sucky loh.. dunno what crap they were playing.. WHY NO R&B??? >.< eekx.. to top it off, queueing took nearly ONE HOUR (plus?).. and we already reached there around what.. 11? pengx... whole place downstairs was just a mass of ppl.. as if they were milling around, waiting to haggle and auction for some fish market thingy.. -_-; we got in the queue.. somehow squeezed into the middle of it.. stayed there until it was practically impossible to leave as we were in a human sandwich.. after a numbing half hour or so, constantly losing our equilibrium.. we got to the front.. had id checked.. dammit.. looked at my id, asked for mi bdae.. shouldn't have said the year n just kept quiet about it! -_-;; cos the woman at the door suddenly declared: "underage!" den turned me loose.. >.< haix.. long queue leh.. din wanna requeue also tough to cutqueue.. so my frens came out, passed me an id of a gal who's so darn pretty.. unlike what i look right.. like toad.. eeee.... anyway they asked me for my blood group, to which i replied: "A+" but they let me in anyway...

erm blog tml.. damn slpy.. nodding like fuck in front of the comp screen.. why comp alwyas make me so slp? -_-;;;;
okeki.. tats,!!!!

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:54:00 AM

Friday, January 17, 2003

in comp lab again.. this time 13-21.. did nothing much today.. just ran to sch.. haix.. as usual.. altho i was early for the bus today, stupid thing came extra early and left me hanging there.. wahahax.. what a crap thing.. -_-; supposed to do some chinese thing at the ajc intranet site.. dunno what crap.. no mood to do chinese.. lolx.. wasn't late today tho.. yz was.. hahahx.. blehx.. he msged me complaining that he was late and had to stay till 6.. lol.. bo liao piece of info.. but useful in the sense that when he came in during math lect, he walked up the aisle near where i was sitting so i grinned at him in that smirking way and laughed at him.. lolx.. just making fun of him la.. blehx.. theng yiu as usual commented from behind: "wah.. ni an lian de ren?" diao~

issues to discuss today.. being polite and it's downfalls..
yeah.. altho it's always good to be polite nearly 100% of the time, i mean, sometimes it restricts your behaviour, true feelings, etc.. sucks right? like for example, when you reli reli NEED to go off, do something, refuse an offer, reject something, etc.. being civilised pple, we have to observe ettiquette or be labelled as uneducated barbarians.. it's only polite to grace your superior's dinner party if you're looking to a promotion or to just be respectful.. sometimes you reli have other things on that you deem of a higher priority....

damn. teacher just walked in and came behind me.. -_-; remarked that i'm looking at soppy romantic love stories on the ajc intranet.. diao~ urm.. maybe la.. but not intentionally.. just clicked there for something to alt+tab back to when she comes over.. blogging's good man.. dunno why i can't get enough of it.. lolx.. classmates listening to music on the comp.. destructive or constructive interference? eeks.. had physics earlier.. kinda groggy during it, but managed to stay awake hell yeah! din do tut but understood.. so proud of myself k! or issit cos superposition is such a darn no brainer topic.. -_-; perhaps.. but pls pls pls dun distort my illusion with reality.. lolx.. hehehe...

ok la.. i wouldn't wanna mention this.. but today my classmates are celebrating a bdae party of a fellow classmate.. think they wanna go to fish n co.. damn ex man.. frick.. gotta save up for a damn top, and to chiong leh.. erghx.. frens now raving over jiatong's comp to listen to bdae song.. lolx.. lame la... reli! *pengz* ok ok la.. whateva.. i'm fine with anything as long as it doesn't concern me directly.. hahax.. erm. back to where i was.. yeah.. so kinda pissed.. cos if i dun go shopping for one today, i gotta go tml.. -_-; and tml's the party.. blehx.. plus i'm looking into last minute beautification methods.. lol.. haha.. reli lame.. hair's gonna be messy, i'm gonna be all sweaty.. it's all dark in there also.. so why bother? haha.. and in addition to that, i'm only staying till 1.30 so what's the point.. actually yingzhi wants to go, but she aint got anywhere to camp at overnight.. haix.. hotels all too darn ex.. cheapest is hotel 81.. at 48 bucks.. erm. we, dressed like this, go that area? erm ermm.. lata ppl think that we're providing services sia.. ~~~~~~`

mr lim targeted me in canteen today as he passed by for chem tut.. i owe it.. haiyox.. and i reli dun feel like doing .. er fuck la.. it's not that i'm obliged to do.. but i just feel.. erGh.. always on the edge of my seat, waiting patiently for my scolding.. wah sian.. maybe la.. maybe can drag till monday.. =( always must give lame shit excuses to all the teachers.. haix. math lesson lata too.. ArGH.. why can't teachers be more forgetful.. more senile.. more wols and muddleheaded.. always take the extra step.. to act caring to their students.. i know they always go on about.. yeah, we'll be gone next yr, they dun gain anything if we do well.. nor do they lose anything if we flop like fuck in the exams.. blardee fuck.. bei4 classmate tou1 kan4.. -_-; _|_

i hear the strains of jay chou drifting from a corner of the comp lab.. haix.. everyone's so crazee about him.. ok la.. he's ok.. hmmx...

as i was saying (sorry la, attention damn diverted here.. alot of crap going on around me.. lolx.. ) mdm foo commented about me again.. said i was cute.. -_-; that RELI takes the cake man.. i'm evil, rebellious, defiant, but NOT cute.. lolx.. cos i think we were supposed to cancel off the subject that we dropped on some form.. i shouted over to my fren to cancel all.. den mdm foo heard.. cos she (as always) was around.. =_=;;

frens not taking L2 coming up to class.. gonna sing bdae song.. wonder who's idea? ｬ_ｬ playing some acapella version of some group singing bdae song.. *pengz* haha.. lamest of this class.. sometimes gets on my nerves, sometimes amusing.. sometimes i'm indifferent.. hehehx.. i dun think i'm a person of convention.. told my fren yest that i love my fringe dangling over my damn face.. =P and my fren hates her fringe cos it's irritating.. i guess i'm weird, lol.. dith the weirdo.. hehehehx.. =P

ehs.. bell just rang.. blog lata.. but i think now's break.. better end off now lata cannot post.. =_=;;

cyaz~~
wUv schdith (^-^*)

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:12:00 PM

too lazy to type this up directly... gonna give ya snippets of an irc chat describing what i left out in my blog entry... sitting in canteen, den ms ong came in, saw me... den.. -_-;;

[01:15] wahahahhaha
[01:15] came down to sit beside me in canteen
[01:15] (like fren liddat)
[01:15] -_-
[01:15] den talked about why i nvr attend pe
[01:15] sialar
[01:15] but nvm la
[01:16] hehehehe
[01:16] i act guai
[01:16] suck uppppppp
[01:16] damn shiok
[01:16] XD
[01:16] she not angry with me
[01:16] still say that.. erh
[01:16] "everytime i dun see you at pe lesson i ask: where's meredith?"
[01:16] "make me miss you"
[01:16] wahahahhaha
[01:16] lame
[01:16] ....

basically ms ong came over and askedfor an explaination as to why i din attend pe... so gave her alotof lame and pathetic reasons.. uGH.. haha.. but she seemed to understand.. acted v sympathetic... said now that she understands she wun mark me down as "defiant" hahaha.. oh, but i am! lalala.. dammit... lol...

erm. mom saying i look like a damn awful drug addict in front of the compy.. gtg den.. night! -_-;

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:20:00 AM

ah.. it's me again~ today was a good day, altho tiring, nonetheless.. made 2 new frens today! hehe.. me like frens.. =D yep.. today ran for the darn bus again... i was at home, den i saw the time.. went : " OH SHIT! " hurriedly grabbed my stuff and ran outta the door and into the lift.. as usual, bus whooshed past, and i had to run down the path to take it.. haiyox.. din tie my hair and din adjust my uniform properly.. running like siao charboh... haix. my mom who observed it all from the window.. (she did the previous time, and this time i was -sure- i would need to run, so i told her: "eh maa.. remember to catch my performance hor!~") hehehe... said jokingly t'was like a shampoo ad, hair flying madly behind me.. swishswishswish... wahhaa.. i think i'm getting better at sprinting for the bus these days.. -_-;;;

today was on the way to meet jes.. cos she smsed me saying she wanted to meet.. den i was rushing my ass off to sch.. met cheng at the mrt beforehand.. asked her about chionging tops.. she cannot find.. but nvm la.. i go dig up money buy some from topshop.. or wherever.. now got massive sale, i heard.. XD hmmx.. sat me going party at centro.. dunno if my frens are onz about the party at lush leh.. =/ me wanna go for that one too! oh yah.. by the way, i passed by centro at around 10.40am today.. hehe.. details lata~

on the way there, heard a voice call me from behind: "hi dith~" i turned around to see a guy.. hehe.. i think i subconsciously knew who la.. just blur.. hehe.. *waves* hey wp~ lol.... you got a mention in my blog! haha.. kewl.. finally know who he is le.. can put a face and an ajcian to his irc nick.. lol.. =P yay.. fren #1 of today.. ^^

in the end jes said she din wanna go sch.. eh.. *pengz* so i went for first period.. gp in LL for presentation.. my grp playing "who wants to be a terroraire.. some screwed versh of who wants to be a millionaire, if you guys noticed.. hahha... it was ok la.. quite entertaining.. prizes were food + snacks... lol! so i stoned thru gp.. den went for phy.. i realised that phy now is very entertaining... i suddenly like it! lol.. now chem's bugging me.. haha.. i'm soooooooooo fascinated with stationary waves! omg! mm.. you j1 readers will learn it next yr.. so dun drop phy k!! XD

after that had 3 period break.. which adds up to a grand total of 2h 15min to stone.. decided to head to lau pa sat to meet jes for breakfast.. ^^ ya la yaaaa la.. i know what you're thinking: "this gal ke siao liao.. HOW?! to rush ALL the WAY dere?!" diao~ well to tell ya the truth, i made it there, ate breakfast, walked around den came back to sch with 5-10 mins to spare, okay! ahaha.. i ruleeee man~~~ i sooooo totally rule!~ =P yep.. met her at raffles place mrt.. den walked there.. i had prata... =) mmmm... so long nvr eat! deeeeleeeecioussssssss~ hahax.. so nice n quiet + peaceful dere... ^^ i like that part of singapore.. it's so.... mmm... nice.. haha.. i dunno la.. the durian area... city area? =D

walked around the river and walked to the durian.. den went thru the underpass thru citylink to take a train back.. hehe.. 1 hour spent dere... still quite worth it... ^^ i was earlyyyy... journey from city hall to yck is 20 mins... heheh.. fast hor! yay... speed walked back to sch.. den went to reading room.. jessie was in there writing xmas cards.. lol.. aiyah.. she helped me take care of mi bag... i'm grateful! thanks~~~~ =D saw rex sitting at the table behind me with his classmates.. i think kenneth was there too... eh.. -_-; at one point in time he looked in my direction and half pointed to me... were they talking about me? dunno them v well anyhow.. only interacted with them thru phy remedial class.. lol.. but i think they're quite cute + nice guys.. haha.... good in phy too! wah...

on the way to class, passing block 11, ran into 5566 of ajc.. haha.. dennis, gary, etc that grp.. those vs guys.. hehe.. managed to say hi to dennis.. lol.. powerrrrr la.. can recog me.. haha.... (=P @ dennis) saw wp a couple of times today too.. 3 times i think.. first time when i met him on the way to sch, 2nd on the way to phy lect.. (same lect what) and 3rd time after sch.. hahah... he wun show me who tai is tho... nvm la. i just scrutinize the guys in his class can liao.. hahaha.... =P was doing that during phy lect tho... got 2 possiblities... but still blurblur.. haha... but i think i know who la.. =X

phy tut was ok.. altho i din do my tut, it was damn interesting.. =D sai ghor's improving! i'm sooo happy! i actually have come to like her lessons.. i look forward to phy lessons.. haha.. powerrrr... dun look forward to chem tho... =/ i nvr do my hw.. SHIT! tut 22 & 23 & hol assignment & food chem proj tml.. diez.. haiyox.. *yawning* damn TiReD leh.... =/ chem lect was.. confusing.. all the enthalpy change symbols and values and whatnot.. she also nvr indicate properly.. diao~ -_-; mrs li/lee, right? alamakx.. damn luo suo.. used to like her, but now i dun.. wendy koh's the best one so far, in my opinion.. ^^

lata had lunch break.. classmates who din take chem went to amk central to buy tubs and tubs of kfc.. hahahahaha.. i think they spent close to 60 bucks on food.. omg! haha.. my classmates sitting at canteen table, 3 large tubs of chicken in front of them.. "gong xi fa cai" printed on the tubs i think.. haha.. potato wedges, whipped potato... dunno what else.. they sure were attracting tons of attention.. lol.. pe teacher walked past, eyes widened, and he joked with us.. ppl of other classes came over to seesee.. wahaha... good to aa what... i dun care.. i enjoy the extra attention.. but i din eat.. me on diet... *pats stomach, pinches arm flab, and wibbles everything else about* eh.. -_-; yah.. damn fat.. and not doing anything about it.. haixxxxxx..

jessie had to stay till 6 today to collect her ezlink card.. what a lameass new sch rule they implemented... *diao~* i waited with her.. cos i'm nice! haha.. fren from nyp asked if i would be going over.. i said i din mind meeting him, but he's scared of meeting me.. cos of -some- excuse.. ｬ_ｬ dotdotdot loh... hehe... i was free leh~ hahahax..

yz, zw and sl were discussing the j1 cca orien.. so i da ting da ting abit.. dun concern me also.. not my cca liao~ =D did some filing and packing of my file.. den did aBIT of chem hol assignment.. finished the introductory topics qns.. sianx.. still alot alot more to go... *cries* heck care laaaaa... i tell him pass up on mon la.. -IF- i dun get hangover on sat.. but dun think so leh.. 1 free drink only.. hahax.. wah sian.. needa get a top tml... reli lacking man.. if i go for the one at lush, i'll recycle it.. evwhere having sale now.. maybe i go stake out topshop, zara, mango, phuture state, chaos, ms selfridge, etc.. hahax.. think i go tml.. reminder: bring cash along! -_-;

yep.. gotta bring court shoes for sl tml also.. hehe.. hope dey fit! =) din reli have time to do some pondering today.. well i think i did la.. but i just can't remember much... just that mdm foo today was talking about some class proj we would be doing.. to write about sth related to our class (in chinese.. =/) den all will be compiled into a special souvenior book by her for the class.. marc designing the cover, i think.. she appointed him (without his knowledge) to be the designer.. hahax.. i'm starting to think that she's actually a nice teacher.. altho she made me shrink and shudder in my seat today.. sat right in front of her.. haha.. eh.. cos she was saying that ppl cannot be without emotions.. it's only natural.. and she remarked that on xmas, i sent her an sms wishing her merry xmas... DIAO!!!!!!!!!!! -______-;;; she said it made her happy for a month or so, and it's still in her phone.... DIAOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!!!! double diao!!!! *pengz on the spot*

haix.

at least i din fall asleep during her lesson.. was interesting, insightful and informative tho.. altho my understanding of my mother tongue aint exactly erm... well.. at least i understood the basis of what she said.. ;) i slept for abit in chem prac tho.. some design expt on reaction kinetics.. decomposition of hydrogen peroxide... haix.. can't find my notes... but nvm.. crashed onto the table the moment he walked outta the lab saying he had to go down to the staffroom to collect the practical worksheet.. only woke up to the sound of his booming voice lata.. >.< but was more energetic! =D

yeah.. so after i was done with that, went to canteen to stone.. handphone running low on batt.. whole day cocking out like fuck.. "insert sim card" or "sim card rejected" or hanging or whatshit.. lousy piece of technology.. -_-; so it dieded la.. what else.. hate it when my phone dies.. uGh.. i feel so.... disconnected and left hanging....

yep.. so ending mah entry here.. blog tml, perhaps? hehehehehe.... tataz~~~~ =)

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:29:00 AM

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

feeling damn sleepy now.. and kinda pissed.. still alot of activity going on in my house.. haix.. tml gotta wake up at 5am and chiong the bathroom before my sis uses it.. ugh.. these few days she's been bathing first.. and i'm like *rushrushhuffpuff* to sch.. not that i mind la.. i dun care.. let me be late, she early can liao.. dun give a shit la.. at most just do yeoman and stay in sch till 6 to collect my blardee ezlink card.. or better still.. dun bring ANY id at all.. or handphone.. or whatever shit.. just myself, my specs, my writing instruments, and my books. nerdification of dith. would be a good change.
that way the blardee sch can't do anything right? maybe i wun even bring my wallet. haha.. sian1/2..

bloody hell.. why am i feeling kinda pissed now? am i pissed that i put pleasure before studies? am i pissed that ever since i've entered jc i've been on a slacking spree, a spending spree, trying-to-change-my-image spree, etc? i know the rebellious streak has always been in me since young.. but i can curb it right? now's reli not the time for defiance. esp to the teachers who will be handling my prelim results and my testimonial.. if need be.. it's time to swallow my pride and ask them for help. all of them. i should change.

but i keep telling myself. tml.. tml i'll do this, i'll do that.. or next month i'll work hard.. promise! or.. next week la.. hand it in next week.. empty promises.. like my mom said.. making promises to myself.. and breaking them.. i'm only making my life more wack than it already is, the person who loses all the shit is me.

ME ME ME ME ME.

all about me.

din do anything today either. maybe i'll just take out the notes needed for tml's prac, den sleep.. until 5am tml.. i will wake up.. promise! that's what i tell myself every morning.
in the end, i find myself crawling outta bed an hour and a half later, it seems, of late.

arGh.
i hate myself.

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:43:00 PM

mm.. at home now.. feeling sleepy.. as usual.. i wanna play renewal leh! >.<
yeah.. so damn blur today.. whatever possessed me to just walk into any coming train? kaox.. either i'm just blur or getting old and senile.. *sigh* diao~ loh.. -_-; reli amazed at myself today.. wahahax... i walked to the mrt station with my classmate.. talking crap.. den went up the escalator.. i din check the direction of the train! .........
haiyox!!!!
just auto waited there, cos erm.. i guess i'm like so used to having the train on that side.... so i hopped onto it.. stood near the window and stoned.. stoned for nearly the whole train ride to khatib.. erh.. din notice until 7/8 of the way there or sth.. passing over the water liao.. past the trees.. den a thot crept into my head in the midst of my ston-a-ment.. (is there even such a word? lol..) "why is there so much water? how come the journey's so long? how long have i been out? eh? am i on the wrong train?" realisation hit me den. and hit me hard. stoning at the final stretch of water, it came to me like a shock of ice water to my face... WAKE UP MISS! YOU'RE ON THE WRONG TRAIN DAMMIT!!!
~_____~;;;;
in my WHOLE life i have nvr gotten on the wrong train.. perhaps yeah, if i reli dunno the way, maybe.. but like this?! pengzpengzpengz.. what the craaap! i was gonna curse out loud on the train.. haix.. luckily seeing alot of water in one place together (ie: open sea / lake) has a calming and soothing effect on a person...
train reached khatib and i stumbled out, cussing myself.. saw siru come out.. *sia suay* quickly pretended i was gonna head down the escalator.. just when i thot it was safe... out pops kailing.. alamakxxx!!!

she was like: "eh meredith! what'cha doing here?"
me: "ehm.. *silly laffter* took the wrong train! *more silly laffter (like a featherhead's)*"
she: *laughing* "i was thinking how come you stay in yishun lol"
me: "ehhehehe. haha. yeah.."
she: "so where you stay?"
me: "toa payoh... "
she: "lol.. ok den.. meredith you blur ar! *turns and walks down the stairs*"
me: *more lame laffter to hide my embarrassment* "yeah.. hahaha.... seeya~!"

diao~
=/ so took me extra long to reach home today.. plus i walked home from the mrt station like i always do.. gotta work off the fats, train the legs muscles.. and get a breath of fresh air all in one! hehehe... yeah.. multi-purpose.. was thinking about the seminar too.. mental training.. >.< i mean, walk sure can walk finish.. dun tell me i suddenly stop dead in the middle of the street, right? wahahx.. reli a sight to see.. or just sit down halfway? kaox...

orh yah.. alot of cny stuff selling .. everywhere's red and gold and auspicious-cie! =D erm.. not that i'm suddenly in love with cheena stuff.. but yeah.. tradition! =D hong bao! $_$
shoe lace came undone halfway.. think some idiot stepped on it.. but den again, that idiot could be me! haha.. so walked quite a stretch with it dangling on the floor getting trodden on by my own two feet.. >.< ehx.. so sleepy now.. =/

yep.. actually the S^3 thingy wasn't so bad.. the presentation was good.. better than what i can do, anyway.. today just did gp presentation on terrorism.. haiyox.. sux la me.. can't present properly loh.. =/ either too luo suo, too dry, too boring, too stumbly on words, not coherent or unprepared or whatshit.. eh.. den again, i'm ALWAYS unprepared! lol... i think ppl going to sleep liao loh.. eeks~~ =/

the skit was good.. altho only 3 main chars, out of which 2 were uncles.. 2 supporting actresses, (ah mahs).. and alot of crap! haha.. damn lame loh.. some bits were lame till funi.. haha... creative~ at least i din slp.. means it was good! =P hehehe.. crazeeee one la... din know army so shiokk~~ haha. not that i will join it.. my fitness lvl aint high enuf... and i'm afraid of the medical checkup and the various immunisations i will have to endure.. dowan la.. >.< already not taking the hep b thing cos i'm too darn chicken.. and a big wuss, to top it all off.. i admit. i am a wuss when it comes to doing certain things.. =/ ah.. everyone has their own imperfections.. hehehe.. i'm no exception! =)

mr wee singing song today.. ehx.. hao lian la! sing aj sch song.. j2s dun even know the words leh.. hehe.. i came early to sch today.. theng yiu was already in the parade square.. so toked cork with him.. den marc came.. also toked cork.. tze kang.. manyi.. etcetc.. wasn't late today.. not like yest.. ran for the bus like siao charboh loh.. =/ reli damn fast.. in comparison to what i do at pe and how i normally run.. think i was reli damn enthu about NOT being late.. hehe.. my mom said she saw me "galloping"... diao~ what a way to put it ok.. well.. erm.. at least she din say "stomping" or "hobbling" or "stumbling" or "pounding".. er.. she -did- use pounding la.. to suan me.. -_-;;

so anyway.. comments that aje's getting crappier and crappier were heard.. haha.. thank goodness i aint in that cca anymore!~ =P and i love to haolian that fact to jessie.. haha.. now 3 enterprise ppl in my class.. ^^ one less! me!!!~~~ altho today i hung around in the e-shop.. now newly christianed "point X" , issit? yeah.. sat there on the floor doing my chem hol hw.. nearly finished introductory topics... ONLY! =/ diedie.. tml detention awaits.. can dun go actually.. but er.. lata mr lim buay song me... wahahax.. dunno la.. see what tml brings! =D i'm always liddat.. living for the day, living for the moment.. the "aiyah heck care la, enjoy now, suffer lata la" kinda attitude.. i guess it's bad.. but my reasoning: why be -usual- and boring or suffer thruout when you can enjoy for awhile and take the suffering lata, right? i mean.. if there's an opportunity to be happy and enjoy yourself for awhile.. and you're having the time of your life, why pass it up? extreme happiness is a precious moment, a rare break in time.. take hold of it.. if you suffer later (but not extreme suffering.. more like lata chiong hw like siao or lata kena scolding is ok.. not lata jail and fined and killed kinda thing la.. nothing unlawful =P) it's gonna turn out ok, right? i mean.. 3 times unlucky, and then everything will just take a shift 180 degrees.. =) i mean.. ok la.. it's an old wives' tale and whatnot.. but i think it's true.. ^^

that's why i always am scolded by teachers.. every day at least once.. haha.. cos it's always like "enjoy now, suffer lata" kinda thing..

was late for chinese lesson today.. *yawning intermission* the moment i stepped into 412, mdm foo immed called me and said "pei li, wo3 yao4 gen1 ni3 jiang3 dong1 xi1".. i thot i sure tio scolding for whatshit.. but in the end she ended up praising me.. was complaining to my mom earlier.. mom said last yr at parent-teacher thingy she kept praising one of my classmates.. eh.. den had v little confidence in me.. this yr suddenly.. -_-; haiyox! turns out that she shifted me from my slack and unopiniated group for the total defence thing to the group doing psychological defence.. the competition group.. diao~ sat me down in a chair beside her, talking to me about what should be done.. -_-;; eh.. kaox.. anyway this group's much more better and much more fun! alot of crap to talk cos i'm quite close to all of them! ^^ hehehe... yeah~ somemore this group alot of the kaobei ppl.. :P so fun.. won't say what we're planning to do.. yet. lata ppl steal our wonderful ideaaaazzzzz~ =PpPpPp

funny leh.. the way mdm foo's treating me these days.. issit because we have the same chinese surname or she thinks i'm suddenly guai? or she wants to take me under her wing for various reasons, one of them being.. (in the words of jes..) quoth: "i'm TOO cute!!!!" wahahahx... :X crazeeeee la, ppl... reli..

today did some reflection in my extra long train ride home.. (-_-;)
was thinking about bgr.. i mean, what's the point? aren't frens better? i discussed it with my mom today.. today observed all the aj couples.. i mean, yeah, it's part of life, and if you're in one now and truly enjoying it, den ok, i'm sorry.. but.. for what? feelings and perceptions.. even behaviour changes towards that person when you go into a relationship with him/her.. it's easy to tell who are -together- and who are just frens.. well.. sometimes..
guy becomes more gentle.. gal also.. alot of playfulness.. touching here and there.. sometimes abit the er xin loh, esp if seen in sch... >.< but some couples are reli reli v cute.. one of my ex pri sch classmates has a gf now, i think.. anyway, he's cute.. always has been.. till now also looks roughly about the same.. haha.. i wouldn't see why he won't have one..
but i was thinking: after most relationships end, the two people drift apart and lose all the closeness they shared last time.. some of them even just whambang! immediately avoid each other forever.. that's why i was thinking: if you reli treasure a person, and the person's frenship.. stay frens.. well, unless you're gonna marry him/her.. yeah.. i know i sound kinda cynical now.. but it's kinda true, right? after a breakup, things get abit weird.. feelings get hurt.. relationship gets torn apart, basically, and things will not revert back to how they were.. so the way i see it right now, i'm gonna remain single.. casual relationships are fine.. but not with close frens.. not only would it be weird, i would also run the risk of ending it totally, one day.. yep..

seriously, i think my logic is flawed at times.. but this is what i think, to sum it up.. stay friends with a person whom you reli treasure. friends are forever.. and nothing can change that fact. =)

what else was going on in my mind today? *thinks*
can't reli think now.. think i'll shrug off my philosophical phase now.. =P

was sleeping in the lounge today.. hehe.. looked like a damn pig.. nearly banged into zesin while leaving.. he din see me.. saw yuwei at canteen today.. asked him about the tix.. cos my frens from cjc interested.. erm.. cept for the gal with the 7210! ｬ_ｬ
hehehehe~~~

think i'll stop now.. blog lata if i have ideas.. now off to read blogs and check for updates! i'm a busybody! *sticks nose everywhere sniffing away* =P

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 7:40:00 PM

paper blog again.. now in S^3 seminar thingy.. so eh.. not sian yet.. haha.. cos it just started.. that's good! jialat leh.. damn suay sitting at the corner here, where all the teachers congregate at.. pretending that i am wholly absorbed in this.. haix.. so hard to write this now.. but it's better than stoning loh.. yeah.. concentration off now.. ok. since i'm listening to this thing now, i guess i should discuss total defence and singapore.. i kniow i am such a goondu and a klutz at this.. dunno anything about army.. and most of my guy frens will be going there next yr.. i heard that it's changed quite abit now.. ppl so afraid of this and that, some of my frens even commented that army's now like chalet.. everday go eat good food.. go chiong.. yeah.. and fear of being sued left right and centre.. ehs.. but now the speaker's makign it seem prestigious, glorifying it.. i guess it's an honourable duty to protect your country.. >.< erm.. continue tonight.. IF i have time.. gotta do chem and teachers are staring at me.. i can feel their EYES.. x_X
-dith 14:20

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:46:00 PM

ok.. finally.. some update from me from HOME.. haha.. came back around 10pm today.. damn shagged.. so slpy now.. but i finished my proj.. den sent it to my fren liao.. =) so now only math tut 21 and chem hol hw to chiong.. haiyox..
waited in sch for jes to finish hockey till 7.30pm+ before that was in nyp.. wahahx.. 2nd day in a row or sth out with her loh.. hehe.. lol.. but not sian leh.. altho we always go the same places.. like ajc (DUH!), nyp, mos burger j8, etc.. =P i guess sometimes it's the ppl that make it fun, not the venue.. hehe.. she and me.. dynamic duo.. can make EVERYTHING fun also la.. =P hehehex... yah.. haha...
dammit.. yawning like siao again.. reli should go chiong my warm comfy bed.. ahx... =D~~~~`
yeah.. fren from cj going for party on 25th.. erh.. dowan to go alone with her.. so easily seh.. i v scared of her.. dunno how to take care leh.. >.< as for myself.. sculli i also drink until like siaox liddat.. wahahx.. time to stinge on myself and save up money again! =D diedie.. not enuf to buy a new top + tix.. or -just- enuf.. maybe not for centro.. but my fren say she wanna go centro also leh.. ehx.. worse come to worse.. borrow money loh.. ok la.. i know jes keep advicing me that "now's not the right time to go" but.. wo3 hai2 shi4 pian1 pian1 yao4 qu4 loh... >.< my character la.. stubborn...
today on the way home while waiting at bishan mrt, this grp of guys went past me and made some loud comment.. no idea was it was, and no idea whether it was aimed at me or sth..but when i looked up.. halftired, halfcurious, and halfdiaoing, they laffed and said "uh oh" and one guy started hitting the other.. and they quickly went away.. diao~ loh... what was that shit about anyway.. siao taboh.. =_=;;
oh yah.. expect to see me in detention on thurs.. hahax.. i think cannot finish chem.. altho today in sch i did all the mcqs for the introductory topic.. 17 only what.. but mostly on chiral centre.. what the shit loh? hahax... yeah
damn tired now. needa crash. blog lata... or i'll paper blog den type it up.. =P
Zzzzz........

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:07:00 AM