Saturday, June 30, 2007

woot. my fucking internet decided to die on my birthday. damn bu ji li lor. and i woke up to a funeral procession on my birthday too! another bu ji li thing.

wonder what twenty-toot (name courtesy of sjj) has in store for me. bleargh.

so far, not good. bad mood. LOL. but ok already. managed to fix the internet.
and i got many birthday wishes. thanks all!

and someone did remember. =)

ok back to moaning and groaning.
and yes, i still am on internshiT. booooo.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:37:00 PM

Thursday, June 28, 2007

i'm sorry it's my fault for being such a stupid idiot.
i'm sorry it's my fault for being such a lazy ass.
i'm sorry it's my fault for everything.
i understand
it's alright to hate me.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:38:00 AM

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

mou

mou hayaku itteirun da yo. konshuu no kinyoubi da. nijuuni sai ni naru. donna kanji ga aru ka? wakannai. demo, tesuto da? anata ga oboerareru? oboerarenai? dochira? ne, mou kamawanai. kinisuruna yo. hoka nin ga aru. kara no kokoro no daitipin.

kenkou wa. chotto warui. maiban osoku made asondeiru. amerika jin no tomodachi to hanashite, ge-mu o yatteiru. totemo tanoshii yo. seigatsu wa dou? doko e kieta?

mainichi mainichi.
konna ni yatteiru.
egao o shitemo, shinji ja nai.

shikkari wasureteiru.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:45:00 AM

Friday, June 22, 2007

people...
such a difficult force to control.

but games will always be there right?
my solace for now is seeing red arrows in my mind.
a sure sign i have been gaming too much.

flip flip flip.

and it's so easy to chance.
haha.

wish chances in real life came that easily.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:32:00 AM

jaded

and you mix and you mix and you mix;
down the drain it goes.
i'm lost in this
now i understand somewhat
i dunno where i am or what i'm doing or where i'm going

i just love sleeping

feel like shirking all my burdens off my back
and spending eternity like this;
b u m m i n g

but i cannot-i have work
no matter how much i would loVe to forget about it
i still do have work

it weighs on the back of my mind like a sea-rock
a stone
a boulder
a mountain.

i feel like just disaPpearINg
and everything vanishes with me
no one remembers anything about me
it's sad but
it would be great if i could just
disapPear from work
and no one knows.

i suppose this comproMIse should suFFice
still, i am lost.
lost in games.
retreat
feels empty yet filling
feels happy yet sad
feels lonely yet rewarding

lonely sad boy
lonely sad girl
let's continue to play this game
don't make anything happen
don't make anything happen

i've been there done that spun all the way back round
the hate and fear and disgust and disappointment still hangs
like a spiderweb
old old oldy web
with many many dead and disgusting bugs
in the depths of an old forgotten musty yucky dusty dank cellar.

scoop me out of my bucket;
bring me to greater heights.
but i find i can't do anything anymore.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:41:00 AM

Thursday, June 21, 2007

you made me sad.
i hate you.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:07:00 AM

Monday, June 18, 2007

heartbroken

it was never meant to be, wasn't it.
even after 3 years of waiting and trying and hoping.
3 years of hope and passion.

and you just left me like that.

i'm dangling.
dear STARS.
please let that be a mistake.
i didn't wait 3 years for nothing.
ever since i knew of your existence,
i have wanted to have you with me.

i wanted to see your name on my certificate.
to have said, that i have finished my last year with YOU.
oh my LJ85...
how i wanted you.
and yet, when i finally got through to the OAS,
all they told me was, sorry, if it clashes, you cannot take it.

fuck you media law, why did you get in our way.
you're the third party.
i cannot be with the subject i love.
tis is a love ne'er fulfilled.
shall live my whole life in regret.
why didn't i take jap lv6.
WHY.

because of you, 401,
because of a bureaucracy that is called STARS
because of the timetable planners.
maybe just dumb luck.

perhaps you would call me stupid,
and tell me to snap out of it.
but all this waiting.
amounting to nothing.
all this anticipation.
all this hope.
all this desire to make it happen.
and yes, it is able to happen.
i have fulfilled the requirements.
3 years i have trained long and hard so i can be worthy of you.

and finally today your sweet name pops out on the subject list.
BUT
it tells me in red that 2 subjects clash.
which two?
i look closer, and to my dismay,
you clash with a compul core.
my heart was smashed in that moment.
thousands of smithereens scattered virtually.
all over my STARS Planner page.

although i'm learning japanese outside
but i still do wanna take it.
is it wrong to take two of you in tandem?
but ntu japanese is surely somewhat different than that of jcs.
and ntu's is more comprehensive.
maybe i could take the course notes and self study.
perhaps that would be okay.

a compromise.
at least i won't see any chuugokujin which i hate.
no late timeslots like 530-730 which was a killer in LJ82
sigh.

but i so wanted to have you.
you were just within my grasp.
my world fell to pieces when you had to say goodbye
all this waiting and it amounts in a goodbye.
i guess i shouldn't fret anymore.

it's time to move on.
but my feet are heavy and they won't move.
after tomorrow, 401 will drag me away.
a painful marriage marred by dreams of what could have been if i could be with you,
my lj85.

perhaps this is an echo of future events to come.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:00:00 PM

byebye

there will be no farewell for me.
the interns are still in the office tomorrow.
and dunno how long more after that.
i'm so sad.
when will my farewell come?
just thinking about staying there makes me feel sick.
i'm already sick.
think caught a chill on fri with the rain and stuff.
sat raining on me too.
and people smoking.
plus not sleeping well.
and mental condition also not good.
definitely physical condition will match mental condition sooner or later.
my headache is coming back.
sigh.

fuck la i hate falling sick.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:40:00 AM

Sunday, June 17, 2007

zaa zaaaa futteiru

lol was looking thru friendster, saw a secondary sch friend that i used to think was very cute but haven't contacted since we all graduated. and i thought my coursemate sy looks like her in some ways. and funny thing, after i had that thought, coursemate in question called me.

=O

talk about telepathy.

---

anyway, happy fathers' day~

but today i very tired. lucky never go movie with cat.
later went for class. slept during the break. too tired and headache.
sigh.
really unwell.
think i'm dying soon.
now better already.

note to self: when feeling weak, please don't get angry, overexert yourself etc.
oh YA and i bought 3 belts today for $19.
HAHAHA my sis cannot wear the red one cos she too SKINNY!
i never ask the lady to poke hole =X
LOL~~~~~~
awwwwwww.
yeah one very thin red belt, one normal plain black belt, and one stretchy high-waisted belt.
what will i wear them with?

dunno~~~~~

----

haha that boi is so funny.
but i still sort of treat him like a kid.
cos he is 3 years younger.
still say he like me?
pls. maybe too despo. how i noe.
i dun quite like his sort of looks in a bf.
anyway he stays in texas. LOL.
pls la. long dist rship is tough.
i'm not interested~
but still very amused.
yeah entertainment.

---

shimatta. tomorrow work.
FUCK WORK.
STILL WORKING.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the storm cloud above my head increases in size.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:35:00 PM

mata

LOL!!! called cat and he just woke up. so no movie today. actually planned to watch Fan 4 and to think i actually woke up earlier. hmm. cos of jap class later sigh.

anyway.

ytd i caught Play! A Video Game Symphony. whoa mama. good shit.
although i was suffering from a splitting headache that came at 2pm while i was working at taka, it decided to leave for a bit while i was watching the concert =D

for examples of some songs, you can refer to youtube. just type in Play Video Game Symphony
oh~ it was cool. i found Mario theme song cute and apt as an opener.
then you had this theme from this cool-looking game which i will look for... eh i took the programme pamphlet but it's not with me now. lazy =X
then of course, Kingdom Hearts!!!!!! and FF7's One Winged Angel. Halo, Metal Gear Solid 3, Sonic Hedgehog, DAYTONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oooo daytona was performed by the composer himself. he was pounding on the piano and singing. SO ENTERTAINING YET COOL. especially the part where he started singing the first words of the song. CLASSIC MOMEnt.
"DAYTONA~~~~"
and people clapped. hahaha.
people laughed at the cute game grapics onscreen during mario and all that. hehe =)
and there was an encore with Super Shinobi (some old skool game. damn oldskool) AND!!!! an unplanned encore (because we just WOULDN'T LET THEM LEAVE! WE KEPT CLAPPING!!!!!! AND SHOUTINGFOR ENCORE!)
so they double encored with One Winged Angel again!
HAHAHA.
and they played ff6's Dancing Mad.
and World of Warcraft!
wahahahhaa

cool concert.

although didn't sit with my sis (yeah last minute sis found out i was going then mom told me she got so excited) because both our tickets were last minute purchases, we sat in the same circle. circle 1 door 3. but i was in row AA 29, she was in DD34. behind. and mine was restricted view cos of the railing. but nvm i lean forward can see. sat beside this guy. looks like those intellectual gaming geek pattern. no idea. it was dark. and he was quite clumsy. opened the booklet and the survey insert dropped out on me. hhahaha! and there was a guy in the middle of my row, who kept shouting and was very enthu. at the last part he stood up kept shouting for encore etc. hahahaha! funny guy. can see he is hardcore gaming geek!

GAMING GEEK CONCERT!
COOLEST BEANZ

alright.
now to talk about the work.
there was this adventure race thingy and the end point was at ngee ann city. so my company was covering it as official channel. luckily wasn't following any producer. just manning the booth.
it was raining when i got there. drizzle. all the way until 11am, so set up the booth and stuff.
then about 12+ or 1, it rained again. drizzle to heavy drizzle to downpour back to drizzle, then it became heavy again. hope no one falls sick. then everyone hid at the side area and well, many of them started smoking. ergh. so with the rain, the smoke and dunno what, i developed a headache on the left side at 2pm. arghhhhh.

soggy and hungry and headachey and smokey, went home to bathe and change. mom and sis came out already cos actually supposed to meet 330pm. sigh. but nvm. tabaoed 2 chicken pastry from delifrance at $1 each, went home ate that drank milo bathed, changed, went out again, but still not feeling much better.

sux.

anyway still had time to kill before show and after collecting tix.
so sat in Chocz for cake and a drink.
well. they're good for cakes and choc drinks. duhz.
but not so good for salty stuff.
their cuppucino had a hearty layer of froth on top. so cool.
and my white hot choc with mint was nice.
choc mousse cake also not bad.

felt a bit better.

but sigh! after concert my head started to hurt real bad.
but after sitting down at lor 8 hawker centre, eating the famous bak chor mee soup and stuff, felt better. and had a cup of teh.
came home chatted awhile and went out like a light.

yeah the sky is grey now.
think it will rain again.
raining everyday since friday. sigh.
grey~ like my mood~

and i'm having super monday blues.
congrats all who finished attachment.
i'm still stuck there.
pls don't add salty salt to my wound.
tues is subj reg day.
hope to get what i want.
tomorrow must call ntu again ask about jap lv 6 class.
kk bye`~
i go play audi.

AND

cat is going for knee op tomorrow evening.
wish him a speedy recovery and a quick and hassle-free op.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:16:00 PM

Saturday, June 16, 2007

the heart,
is like a backside.

full of shit,
two-sided,
ugly,
round,
full of hot air,
one big hole of fallacy,

and the term 'chicken backside',
can be linked to 'chicken hearted',
so it means that both heart and backside are 'chicken',
and hence cowards.
and the fact that a chicken links them both,
only further proves the point that backside and heart are related.

ok i'm talking rubbish.

are they words from my heart?
or words from my backside?

you decide.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:39:00 AM

a sight for sore eyes

bad start to the day.
late for work and to boot, a fucking thunderstorm suddenly HAPPENED while i was showering. urgh. okay fine. change of plans. went to hub to get cake for ed who turned 19 today, on 15 june. happy birthday!

freak weather, standing at bus stop, even my legs got all wet.
funny how i ended up same bus with colleague again. hehe.

fucking puddles, large and deep like fuck. (for a puddle)
shoes were SOAKED.
went to office, took off shoes and socks and literally SQUEEZED water from socks.
boss asked: "you so stressed until you never wear shoe?"
lmao.

in addition, shoes gave me freak blisters. OUCH.
torturous morning.
gave ed his cake. awwwww he said i'm sweet.

haha, cute comment, coming from a young boiboi.

went macs for lunch and on the way there, bought a pair of GREEN slippers for $2.90 cos i couldn't take it anymore. tried the teppanyaki burger meal. oh, i like the shaker fries. but the burger so so la. think eat carls jr more value for moneh.

the day became better. sun shone. sat in office stoning and suddenly my friend pointed to the window, and we all crowded there to see this sight:



but i don't do justice with this pic.
awwww.

although OTed today. am quite okay mood.
won like 200k+ den in audi.
feel rich.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:26:00 AM

Friday, June 15, 2007

feel like crawling into a hole...
feel like flushing myself down a toilet bowl...
feel like hiding in a cupboard...
feel like sleeping forever...
feel like running away...
feel like if i died, i could shirk work...
feel like resigning but i can't...

just feel like throwing in the towel and giving up.

even giving up is so hard?
what's the point then?
i do a fucking lousy job?
i really have no more energy for this shit.
my heart is breaking.
everyone's chains are dissolving.
and mine are still clamped tightly to my ankles and wrists.
shackling me, tightly.
there's the dried blood from where the shackles grip and cut me,
and where i have struggled persistently,
but always to no avail.

EVEN GIVING UP IS SO HARD.

gawd.
i'm trapped.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:59:00 AM

so freak irritating.
and painful.
this fucking swollen thing.
making me easily bad mood and irritated.
and antisocial.

fuck you!
hurry dissolve into a fountain of pus and blood.
think it's swollen lymph node.
maybe stress too much.
luckily not on my bumbum else i will be worse mood.

ROAR.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:46:00 AM

hen da na..

don't come so near to me...
i'm scared already...
freaky.

i know you're no threat but still.
i hate the weird feeling.
i feel like i wanna crawl under a hedge and hide there.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:21:00 AM

Thursday, June 14, 2007

once in awhile,
if you do remember me,
drop me a message.
to tell me you're thinking of me.

ever so rarely,
if you do miss me,
tell me you do.
so that i will feel you still remember who i am.

------

but it's going to be harder,
i'm going to be getting into my rowboat.
and row down this river.
row away from everyone.

d r i
f

t i

n
g
+
.
. ,
.
\
` .
*
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:05:00 AM

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

bish~

well. seems to me the suay things happen always to one person when he's with us. maybe the fengshui not good. and oh gawd i suck at pool. i was the object of everyone's ridicule today. haha. cos i hold the cue funny. unstable. and it moves in many directions. so they described my cue as a snake. geez. LOL. so disgusting at pool now. i'm so SAD.

outing was... okay lar.
no commentz.

got home and saw audi had a new mode! YEAH FINALLY. and i was just WISHING for it today. new 4k npc! and it's db4. my faveee. roxx0rs. teh lurve. yeah finally a mode i can OWN in. was first quite a few times, and i even sat on top of the npc for a long time in another game. hahahaha. and i got a new record! 940 or 960k score! woots. CRAP i should have done the crazy fm, then i could have gotten 1m+!!!!!
CHEESE BANANA BACKSIDE LAH!!!!!

other than that, nothing much to update about.
damn hilarious my behavior is getting too.
i think i should slap myself and wake up from this whirligig nightmare.
zzzz
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:20:00 AM

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

once is enough

freaking funny. and entertaining. and hilarious.
cute kid.
still a kid to me.
small boy, you got nothing better to do?
nevermind, you amuse me.
=)

and dammit, shoot got cancelled, which is good, means i can breathe, go out, have some fun. but it's bad because i need to reschedule, keep stressing over it until it's over, and have continual nightmares. bleh.

anyway met up with the ij peeps today. hohoho yeah it was good. pity we all couldn't stay till very late. ooo and royce choc rocks!

and my Chocz Tiramisu bdae cake from audi peeps was good.
damn good.
and the alcohol is nice and strong.
yeah the cake was still good even after 3 days.
we went out on sat, i ate it today (mon)
lmao!
thx guys =)

oh and.
to you, even though you're too busy to read this, jyjy and don't fret about your spot of bad luck. more tourneys to come i'm sure.
to everyone, holidays are coming. please make full use of it.
to me, don't worry, although a stupid extension was made, internship should be over quite fast. the last leg. don't give up!

ok got XD pool outing tomorrow with ben and wm.
hope it's fun.
otherwise will end up playing DDR with ben and wm.
HAHAHA.

well i did say some things.
and i won't take them back.
because i meant what i told her.
i'm just giving face.
don't test my patience.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:20:00 AM

Sunday, June 10, 2007

mou dekinai

out of the blue sms one time.
and also found out a friend flying off but seems i'm the last to know.
i'm used to being out of the loop; it's ok actually.
feels like i'm doing many wrong things too.
i tell people wrong thing, i do wrong things at work.
think i'm not cut out even to be living on this earth.
everything would be disastrous if i'm there.
i can only say hi at aunties and give simple directions.
think i should be a personnel at the counter.
maybe i should strive to be a professional road sweeper.
i hate it.
feel so demoralized.
feel that, am i so boring and useless i can't brighten up the atmosphere? or i can do anything? do also do so slow? think tortoise faster than me sia.

AM I SO BORING?
AM I SO MUNDANE?
AM I SO USELESS?
AM I SO TALENTLESS?

i'm damn sad.
and i had illusions i was unique and quite smart and quite interesting.
looks like i should have condemned myself to be aborted in the first place zzz.
sigh.
i can't do anything properly.
who needs a person like me?
think if i am a road sweeper, i also cannot sweep properly.
sure kena complained.
and if i am those banglah worker, i cannot even carry the heavy things or fix up the things or what.
useless man, utter uselessness.
ya man, i think construction worker job damn hard.
i will also make mistakes there.
ya i'm sad and demoralized.

and very very tired.

k la i don't wish to continue le.
no mood.
don't blame me if i don't online much.
and even if i online, i nv reply you.
bad mood.
will be gaming.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:46:00 AM

Friday, June 08, 2007

stone-age

today (thu) i met ben n ed altho i was very tired after work. had half day interview shoot. luckily got ben. but bad also. stayed out till 1130+pm altho i got quite a bad work day tomorrow and a hell day on sat. yes and i got headache that manifests itself as eyepain already. zzzz.

but i had gd food. ayam panggang rocks la. gave ben some, made him drool but he din wan buy n eat too cos he already had dinner with family. hehe. then went tcc to lim kopi. saw s102 peeps too. so qiao.

oh and ben still ddr-mad. so we ended up playing ddr. yah i played with him but i was playing beginner/basic. so still quite okie. imagine today i wearing those feminine flats, a bit hard to play cos shoe keep wanting to fly off when press back arrow or jump around hehe. but it's fun. addicted now. zzzz ben ur fault.

i miss ben. =D
so happy can see him today =X
pity cannot talk abt stuff cos not private =3
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:08:00 AM

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

office chronicles

4th June 2007
4:19pm

face your fears girl.
it's not a plunge into the unknown, just a simple test of yourself; your clarity, your direction.
you're the conductor in a 30min orchestra.
be proud, be loud and brave.
7 8 9 12
not counting morning shoot (but helping out only) on the 6th and 2 studio shoots on the week of the 11th.
and then i'm home free.
(or so i should be)
6 or 7 days, girl.
you can do it.

---

(*nomoresoRRow.LP]

Are you lost, In your lies?
Do you tell yourself, I don't realize?
Your crusade's a disguise
Replace freedom with fear,
You trade money for lives.

I'm aware of what you've done.

No, no more sorrow.
I've paid for your mistakes.
Your time is borrowed.
Your time has come to be replaced.

I see pain, I see need.
I see liars and thieves,
Abuse power with greed.
I had hope, I believed.
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived.

You will pay for what you've done.

No, no more sorrow.
I've paid for your mistakes.
Your time is borrowed.
Your time has come to be replaced.

Thieves and hypocrites.
Thieves and hypocrites.
Thieves and hypocrites.

No, no more sorrow.
I've paid for your mistakes.
Your time is borrowed.
Your time has come to be replaced.

No more sorrow.
I've paid for your mistakes.
Your time is borrowed.
Your time has come to be replaced.

Your time has come to be replaced.
Your time has come to be erased.

i like the guitar rift in the song. =)
and of course, there's chester's trademark screaming ^ ^
reviewing their new album over and over in office.
so far got a few good ones.
but still, Meteora is better.

----

4:29pm

is there something about the end of the year and me?

----

5:10pm

mmm, Valentine's Day by LP is good.
anthemy song.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 12:33:00 AM

Monday, June 04, 2007

narrative, if you please

please excuse the multitude of posts today.
it's 411am and i can't sleep for want of a happier head and to have this niggling irritated feeling pack its bags and shift to nebraska or something.
here's my narrative offering of the day's events, simply because, i forgot to post a narrative.

ahhhhhh i do adore superficiality at times. =D

well. while waiting for the bus to come, i called up vin to ask him join me for makan. cos well. i don't wanna be alone with D. so anyway, he said he was going to the pc show. at 7pm. just nice when i walk there from bugis.

and thus, after jap class, i walked to suntec and squeezed with the geeks and gamer chix and kaypo aunties and techie unclez and random sweaty smelly people in hall 6.
jap class, as a side mention, was alright. got a girl to talk to now. so i won't sleep. =)
hmm. met D first. then anto came. then vin and ken. one squeezy hour or so later, D and A went back in (oh, the brave souls!) to see the ban leong booth and maybe do some real shopping. i followed V and K and we went to carl's to sit down and get a drink etc.
well. D and A came back. unscathed, and soulz unclaimed by pushy people armed with microphones and a long running script of special offerz.
D got speakers.

and we ended up eating at carl's. B came too. haha i ate a super star burger. of course share with V. today i kept sticking to V. i'm so sorry D. but i must get past this uncomfortable stage. yeah i'm like that. always get weird feelings around people. especially as a result of me thinking too much. ho hum. and especially since D likes to pat my head etc. zzzzz. okay, it feels nice to be pampered, like a little girl. but he's not the right person that i wanna be pampered by. the right person is currently residing so far away in subang. i also dunno if he's ever gonna come back for another visit. so. do i wait 3 years? and after that, what? wait some more? hmm. i dunno. future is always uncertain.

anyway didn't notice D put something in my bag until we were leaving.
ya i'm very blur. and this time i was reli blur and not blur on purpose to avoid things.
well. i was surprised, happy, guilty etc all at the same time. kinda amounts to having a book whack you in the face i suppose.
and i have a feeling K was gossiping to V about something about me. i also dunno. nvm. K is a nice guy. i do forgive him. ya he's cute. nice character. but another attached dude. lmao. dith please go look somewhere else or get a life. thxxxx.

well.
i am happy with my new pair of green earphones.
i am guilty because i don't want anymore things.
as a rule, i generally don't like to accept things from ppl.
dun like to feel i owe ppl, y'know?
(amounts to myself again? pukez)
and very surprised, because i was looking at it earlier.

nice guy. friendly. chatty. warm. sweet. does know how to please a girl. entertaining. so many good points i suppose.
but being the person i am, i cannot accept.
there's always some element lacking.
besides, i already told him abt kaze.
he himself asked me today something which ended in 'your malaysian boyfriend?'
i forgot what he said.

anyway.
it's 430.
sleeping time is so fucked up.
but it was fun having an msn drawing conv with K.
oh, K is interesting.
and i avoided going into maple today for fear i might see I.
hmm.

mass-avoidance campaign going on.
i just wanna run away from everything and everyone.

escapism, if you please
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:11:00 AM

choo-choo

actually i don't give a fuck.
i'm a robotic girl right now.
so if you have a weird response from me,
don't think it means something else.
because words will always be words.
and actions will always be actions.
it's easy to mime out my life.
it's easy to read words i scripted for myself.

what's real?
and what's not?

i don't know either.

everything is fading away, like a distant light.
or maybe it is getting too bright.

i can hear the train, headlights glaring, roaring in the tunnel.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:00:00 AM

shizen da?

although i have tried many times and very hard,
i can never master the art of acknowledging people for who they are and how they are.
i cannot accept anyone wholly.
especially myself.
perhaps, you would argue that i have to accept myself first before i can accept others.
pray tell, is that bullshit?
because i know many people accept others totally but they cannot accept themselves.
and then you have those narcissists and egomaniacs who accept themselves wholly and totally and cannot accept anyone else (namely, anyone other than themselves).

well, i can never accept anyone for who they are.
i see a flaw in everyone.
but i just gotta accept that people aint perfect right?
and to err is human?
but i just keep seeing the bad side of people.
believe me, i've tried,
but i can never accept anyone totally.
when in fact, i am the most flawed of them all.

what is this disgusting creature that resides in my brain; in my thoughts?
please remove it.
i hate thinking bad things about everyone.

ARgH.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:54:00 AM

where are you, love?

where are you, my love?
where is my love for life?
for food?
for people around me?
for socializing?
for having fun?

i have lost passion in life.
i am now like a robot.

i fucking hate it.

please restore to me my soul.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:22:00 AM

Sunday, June 03, 2007

beebeeQUEUE

and so ytd was the day of my XD guild bbq. was it eventful? perhaps. but not as much as i would have liked it to be. never mind, it's best that my wild days are gone. and guys i meet nowadays are more of a cmi pattern. altho they are nice guys but there's just many things lacking. ok fine. perhaps the image i portray is that of a typical chinese speaking girl, who speaks a lot of singlish, is a bit blur and tizzy at times. sure, can talk. but there's no connection. it's empty. even if i have empty talk, i would love wacky insane creative talk, if you know what i mean. randomness that spawns randomness. like the person i was chatting to on maple last night. better not talk to him so much again. his mind is attractive. and he's attached. so better not go talk to him else i'm only looking for trouble. not enough talk with kaze, but he just smsed me this morning. hmm. last time i would wake up and reply, but now i can't do so. perhaps i'm too tired and am losing my energy to do many things i could do just 6 months ago. yeah, i'm attributing all of this exhaustion to stupid internship. lousy pay lousy lousy lousy tiring and i'm getting influenced by my pay, the sum of my worth in the company each month is compensated by my energy and hence i always end up exhausted and lethargic. perpetual jet lag perhaps, although i've never taken a plane. but maybe i 'live' in so many worlds of mine, virtual, real and imaginery, that i zone in and out in and out until i have no idea which cloud my head is stuck in. and not to mention my sleeping times are forever wonky. so that could be one of the culprits too.

oh. i was supposed to talk about the bbq and it became a rant. sheesh. i'd better get on with this because i have only 15min left before i need to shower and head for japanese class. arGh!!!! sometimes feel like quitting. too tired to go and it's weird timing and it's so hard x_x SIGH

anyway i had slept at 6am the prev night/morning. ed gave me a wake up call at 10am, and i was so freaking tired zzzz. but ok la, after 1/2hr of stoning i crawled out of bed (yeah it was a war well fought) and showered. but later on my sis commented how weird i looked. zzzzz. you say my jeans weird but i like it -.- you say my tee weird but i got nothing else to wear. change the bottoms change the tops? hello? change to what? i got nothing to wear. was damn pissed off and of course it made many dents and holes in my self esteem. wasted 45min thinking and thinking and agonizing over what was left in my cupboard to wear zzzzzz. fucking hell. i got nothing to wear. clothe this beast please. before the world goes blind. sigh sigh.
luckily dad sent me to bedok else i would have been freaking late. in the end i also wore the clothes i chose myself in the first place that my sis said was weird. aiyah fuck it la. you think i got things to wear meh? in the first place i look weird in clothes because my figure SUX do you GEDDIT?

hogawd another rant.

ya i'm in a bad mood now and there are 10mins left to blog. erGH.
anyway i wrapped up the chicken and went out, wasn't so late. just 10mins. met them, ate kfc for lunch, some people just happily living on favours but aiyah whatever la? realized many of us are just living on favors, and me too, on my parents.

WE ARE ALL LIVING ON FAVORS.

ok. so during lunch with ed, sy, mal came. haha my chicken looks like a bomb cos i wrapped until so round. so chicken bomb is ji zha dan aka ji dan aka egg? hmm. mal is funny and interesting. ed is beginning to scare me. and sy is ... she's sy? sort of watching myself in 3rd person again. perhaps from a dream, cos i was still very sleepy. and then wendy smsed me, so i asked her to come. and she did! haha =) i do like her, but she's not someone i can really connect with if you know what i mean. arghh my brain feels deprived and undernourished -.- i swear i can feel it shrinking.

oh noes 6min left.
so we went to ntuc to buy hotdogs and stuff, bbq wholesale to buy drumlets, otah, satay. ed has a nice house. but it's so far in. and his dog laifa is cute too. she's quite old, about 9yrs old. so never bark never run around. i do like her. and she doesn't shed much so i never really cough too much. haha. wen said sy and ed look like sibs. haha =X fuqi lian? who noes. then they were singing karaoke at his house, he does like to pair me and mal tgt. well whatever, i jus play along. was beginning to scare mal too. wahahaha so i went outside to sit and watch them start the fire and stuff. i did try to help by buttering wahahah but in the end 2 guys ended up cooking for all of us. hmm, thanks to the both of them =D
oh and the chix wings my mom helped me marinate were good. i never know what she puts inside and she also dunno, anyhow put. wahaha. i ate like 3 or 4? but it was good with the bbq marg and the honey. honeyyyyy.

the people started coming around 6pm actually. one gal studying in NP mcm first yr. hmm. can tell the way she speaks is different. but i've already developed the airs of a chinese gal so i was with the others in singlishing. haiz terrigible i use a lot of lah, even on the phone -.-" which reminds me to call Taman Jurong CC on monday regarding the permission to shoot ahhhhhhhh ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

after bbq, we went to play lan. xiang drove. whee i love transport! and it was a mini bus so we all could fit in without squeezing hohoho. played for 3 hours at bedok princess lanshop. damn shag at the end. kept missing fm and Cfm and i was just spamming crap, typing in caps and banging my head on the keyboard at the end. -.- i'm nuts. kill me.

and i thought i would just go home and crash. but i didn't. ho hum.
well, thanks to xiang i didn't have to pay cab fare. he drove all of us home. =)
hmm, tried to converse with him. was scraping the surface of his ideals and i dunno what. aiyah scraping the surface stuff zzzzz where have the deep discussions gone? i need some philosophy --" discussions with kaze abt msian and sgrean politics and systems was quite interesting. sighz

yar. anyway reached home, sis still awake -.- she just went to pom. then i wanted to toh but somehow i stayed awake. was planning to sleep by 3am but somehow i slept at 5+am. why? mistake of logging into maple to add xiang to BL. but somehow ended up chatting and chatting to random guild member until so late. and he had to continue on msn -.- i really wonder what he looks like. what houses such an interesting brain? shit dith stop drooling over his brain.

anyway i have kanji test later and i'm damn tired, still wondering if i should go join D at ashton later and have steak. am i in the mood? perhaps it's not the distance nor travelling there. maybe i just don't want to meet him. and i dunno if i want steak. well, i am tempted to eat, but it feels like a heavy rich meal. argh i am craving plain food nowadays -.- think i need to have a meal of fruits and veg before i will be back to craving normal food. argHHHH.

feels so shrouded by a funny feeling and feels like i am stuck in a viscous liquid that is clear and feels like it aint there but is. arghhhhhh manifestations of my brain. well. at least kaze smsed me today. had a chat spanning abt 5 smses and then as usual he stops replying. shrug. sigh.

get out of my slump -.- even my blog is so depressing no one tags it anymore -.- sheesh.
arghhhhhhh need to shower and go for class. 8min overtime now. ARGH.

hmm if vin goes ashton too, i will go with D. but vin nv reply me. AUGHhhhh.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:07:00 PM

rant

oh damn.
extremely entertaining guy with magnificent brain, imagination and randomness in maple. kept chatting non stop. and then i find out he's attached through the blog grapevine.

all the vaguely intellectually stimulating guys are attached.
even if they are not, i can't be with the one that half-is and half-isn't.
even if we were, we are too far off.

oh you remind me of someone

will blog abt bbq and stuff tomorrow.
slp time.
oyasu.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 5:28:00 AM

Friday, June 01, 2007

june,

my audi 4k chance is improving.
better at lvl 8 and lvl 9 moves now.
but still don't dare chance lvl 10 and 11.
now training 130bpm to 150bpm.
my 140 is quite ok now. hehehe.

oh and i spent the whole day sleeping.
i slept till 5pm.
OINKAGE.

wahahahhaa.
then i played ffxii and was mob hunting and mob hunting.
stupidly i forgot to talk to the petitioner then i was wondering why i couldn't find the Mindflayer. LOL!!!! BAKA ME.

woot starting to like audi again.
red keys don't give me migraine no more.
hohoho!

awww work tomorrow.
then WEEKEND.
woots.

teh lurve.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:33:00 AM