Tuesday, December 31, 2002

wow.. it's like 3 hours to 2003 and i haven't finished my phy homework yet.. aww damn! why am i thinking of that NOW? hahah.. think some of my friends are at sentosa or mohd sultan.. or just outside awaiting the arrival of the new year..

new year's day is overrated.. just like the turn of the millenium.. it's just a day assigned to one point in the cycle that our calenders follow.. and every new year is in phase with the old one.. damn! physics again! been doing waves mcq.. doubt i'll be able to survive the short questions.. lolx.. i'm not ranting here.. just bringing to mind the fact that new year's day is just like any other day.. it's like time.. we don't celebrate every 00:00 hours, right? new year's is special.. special because one year is quite a long time.. as opposed to the turn of the millenium.. some of us don't even live to see it.. but look at time.. or the start of a new day.. we don't celebrate it.. cos i guess we don't deem it special.. one day is but 24hours.. and one year is but 365.25 days.. but that's a whole lot of hours..

I'm not saying i'm one of those pissed off geezers who dislike new year's and all kinds of celebration.. this was just a passing thought that whizzed into my mind as soon as my fingers touched the keyboard to spin the words of this entry.. like a spider i move, or wish to move, yet my web is tangled in disarray.. thoughts splaying out in all directions, with no sense of coherency.. i never promised it would make sense or be coherent.. i never promised a grammar or spelling error free entry.. it's no award winning essay.. just a blog.. =P

oh yeah.. went off topic again.. hehe.. meanderings..

actually i was just trying to put across the thought the new year's, just like any other day seems special.. this idea was devised by us humans.. scientists and thinkers.. there are so many calenders out there.. we have the chinese one and the one we mostly follow.. new year's day falls on different days but we celebrate it all the same.. outta tradition? custom? or just an excuse to paarrrtyyy? haha.. anyway it grants me a holiday.. an extention before school starts yet again.. to walk through the gates (or run through, if i'm late) stand in line in assembly.. closer to the flag, where the j2s stood before and where we shall stand now, the future j2s.. we are now older, perhaps wiser.. it may seem of no insignificance to you, but standing there, closer to the flags, closer to the school building, i feel older, and more serious.. but will i have enough to face the entire year? my resolution to be hardworking always starts on the first day of school and begins to fade a week later if i'm lucky.. entirely vanishing in a month.. den the urge to slack and become a wayward student returns, more strongly each year, until more and more teachers get increasingly pissed with me by the end of the year.. *sigh*

in short, new year's day is just an ordinary day that has been given meaning by people.. whatever meaning it has differs from person to person, but in essence, it's the start of a new year. time to celebrate. cast past woes and disputes and all the bad things aside.. they are now past.. transform the good things that have happened into fond memories for safe keeping and remembering when you are sad, perhaps. make decisions and resolutions for what you hope to achieve or change for the future.. the new year is always a good starting point for that.. an anchor to restabilise yourself.. a handhold to secure yourself with.. a push to get you going again.. new year new start new you new things new experiences.

new.
i like new things.

they're all clean and sparkly and interesting.

will the new year be like that?

it's all up to me. ^^

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (^____^)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:08:00 PM

wah. damn shagged now man.. came back from chalet and stoned around at home after a bath before crashing and sleeping till 11.. haha.. now i'm on irc again.. t'was fun.. the chalet.. me liked it.. =)
vely the damn fun leh! hahaha.. next time i'm staying for all the days! =P

wah sian.. in the afternoon met up with kim's god bro to get cake and stuff for the chalet.. den took mrt to pasir ris den bus.. we walked in leh.. din know where to take the shuttle from.. my poor toes.. haix.. was wearing slippers so in between my big toe and second toe there's a stupid blister.. well, to be exact, it's situated on the base of my left foot, second toe.. hurted like fuck.. so long never get blister liao.. somemore had to do alot of walking around later loh.. it finally bursted.. kinda limped home with my heavy stuff.. slipper half on half off.. hahaha.. people might have thot i was a drunkard or sth.. coming back with a bagful of booze and looking damn shagged..

i plastered it up.. thot i might be going chiong tonight.. but in the end i din.. my mom should win the pulitzer prize or nobel prize or a grammy or sth for her kbness.. so damn skilled at it.. she was out at orchard with me sis when i came home.. so i took a loooong leisurely bath.. den the moment she came home she kbkbkb.. say why i nvr reply her sms... network damn lag today i think.. only received those sms halfway through her kb session... in the end i also din go.. kb my freaking head off for nothing loh.. -_-;

argh

ok.. going back to talking bout the chalet.. mmm.. =) there was sooo much booze in the fridge.. we had one gigantic bottle of vodka that looked like plain water save for the bottle itself.. a big bottle of dealcoholised red wine.. frens said it tasted like fermented grape juice but i liked it leh.. so MUCH jack daniels and barkardi peach and watermelon.. hehe.. could just kop and swig the whole thing down.. like cocktail/friut punch.. my frens were so innovative.. hehe.. played drinking games and alot of interesting games.. XD

it's like.. 6 empty glasses.. few bottles of booze (unwanted better).. and alot of enthu ppl.. oh yeah.. and dice to roll with.. if you roll an empty glass, you can pour what you want and how much you want into it.. but if you roll a filled glass.. you gotta down it and keep rolling and downing till ya get an empty glass.. first round is ok la.. start off with all glasses empty.. =) i think i had quite alot.. cos i only quit when they brought out the Thousand Island from the fridge.. den a pack of chips and honey.. eeeeeeeeew.. gross..
yeah.. try that sometime.. haha..

bbq was interesting.. after the afternoon of starting the fire, they got it going.. we had the usual.. taiwan sausages.. (which erm.. were dubbed testicles! XD) canned sausages, squid, prawns, chicken wings, satay! (*drools*) so deeleecious!!!!! later on we used the XO to make 'drunken' squid.. and had XO coke.. haha.. den one of the neighbouring bbqers kept coming over to borrow firestarters and stuff.. perhaps they wanted to find excuses to talk to my chio gal frens! XD hehehehehe..

i think i ate alot of prawns.. oh.. and sushi that someone brought.. can't rem who.. we were playing mahjong and half-watching this chinese ghost show.. so lame.. hehehe.. oh man.. i play horribly laggy mahjong.. XD we din reli touch the cards.. i think not at all! haha.. under the tv the feng shui is v good.. my fren kept winning in succession.. hehehe.. so good.. but we din play for cash.. XD

after some crapping and fooling around and stuff, i guess we decided to turn in.. 7 gals to share two beds pushed together.. erm.. kept shifting around and squeezing here and dere.. in the end i ended up with my head on my fren's stomach and my hand on her butt.. purposely! haha.. hugging her butt.. =X den she had an itchy butt.. -_-; i got fleass!!!! *scratches self with leg*
the other two.. one gal and the only guy.. supposedly went to the red house.. but we will nvr know whether they reli faked or they went but covered up for it.. apparently they said they went.. den in the morning said they couldn't find it and bluffed us..

so i guess that's how we all ended up downstairs again.. den 3 of us decided to turn in.. i got bored and went back downstairs.. they were sitting around the mahjong table talking and stuff.. haha.. i think we were discussing which game to play.. so we finally settled on spin the bottle.. at what.. 4+am in the morning? lolx..

i get a kick from this game man.. dunno why.. hahaha.. they all kinda ended up scared of tio-ing me.. heh.. and me tio-ing dem.. =P
i think i too onz le.. but i din reli lick and all over and smooch dem passionately what.. haha.. i just went ahead and smooched without complaining.. and erm.. waiting for it to be my turn! XD
there were stages to this..
1. cheek
2. neck
3. lips (closed peck)
4. hug + lips (closed peck)
5. lips (closed peck) 5 sec
6. open mouth or 10 sec (closed peck)
7. a bit of tongue
8. frenching
9. going to a room and erm.. making out for 7 min or sth?

i think there were more intermediate stages.. but yeah.. you get my drift.. haha.. dun worry la.. i'm not a pervert! all were gals.. we were les-ing.. hahaa.. but the furthest we (I) got to was #6.. hhahaa.... bad enuf liao leh.. alot of my frens so disgusted.. but i wasn't the only one who had to do it.. =P

heh. *psychotic pervertic grin and a chikupek wink* XD

ah yeah.. of cos there were the usual ghost stories and sharing of experiences.. and earlier on we played some kinda strip poker.. only it involved cards and marshmallows.. draw a card.. if you dun get a spade, too bad.. stuff a marshie into ya mouth but dun swallow.. if you get a spade you're free from the marshie but you can't swallow.. after 10 rounds, say a chim sentence.. get it wrong.. and strip a few items of clothing.. depending on the degree of inaccuracy, i guess.. haha.. or muffledness.. =P

i din play tho.. dunno what i was doing.. haha.. think i went in halfway or sth.. all gals lah.. so t'was ok.. what you have is what i have and what we all have.. etcetcetc.. =P haha..

anyway a couple of my frens got drunk.. one went madder (she's mad enuf already) another had a splitting hangover.. me? throbbing at the side of my head and getting too high and hyper.. haha.. not drunk la.. could still walk straight.. =P just loosened up and gone slightly madder... haha..

aiyohx.. near dawn (or during dawn) we went to sleep.. 5 gals into the bed with one guy at the far end.. cramp sia.. legs all cramped up.. couldn't move for i would disturb another.. couldn't sleep.. so damn freaking hot.. ahh... >_<
slept till around 9+ den stoned around before checking out at 10am.. hung about while some of us played pool.. the $2/game one.. with the coin slot thingy.. (bad! can't cheat! XD) i din play tho cos i suck like hellz.. haha.. my fren so power.. always win.. haix..

oh ya.. nearly had a disco session in the room with the non-stop mix cd my fren brought.. coolx.. i like it! like clubber's style man! must go buy.. =D heh.. but then we were all in tees and shorts.. one of my frens even changed to her glasses.. so.. ermx.. haha.. no mood.. XD

at noon the shuttle bus came again.. missed the 11 O' clock one cos we were slacking away there.. but i was damn shagged so 3 of us left to catch that one.. haha.. remember that i had that lousy blister.. busted it while rushing for the damn bus.. ouchies! but it felt better after it bursted.. just sticky and wet.. and sore.. haix..
dunno why the rest din follow.. so many of them were complaining they needed to shit and whatnot.. in the comfort of their homes.. so they would have the mood, etc.. quite vulgar la we were, actually.. rubbed off on me.. normally.. -normally- i'm not this vulgar.. haha.. shitting and f-ing and all the cuss comes flying out easy as pie.. ahh.. liberation! XD
can't do it at home or in school (much) or whatnot.. =) anyway i wun make it a habit la! so dun worry.. =P i'm sane now, i think.. hehe.. just kinda sleepy (again!) and slightly boozed.. ehehehehe.. shared a jack daniels with my mom.. but erhk.. din reli drink much cos it kinda sucks.. the aftertaste, esp.. eeee... haha..

wah.. new year's eve now.. ehehe.. 21 and a half hours to 2003! eeeee... A levels year for me.. yucks.. den gonna work and chiong too.. resolution: to lose 10 kilos to get good results to socialise more in sch but still keep max contact with close sec sch frens.. hang out more often.. try to do all my hol hw by march..trrrry to do all my homework on time.. pass my phy.. den upgrade it to an A or B.. upgrade my gp to an A.. upgrade everything else to an A.. pass my chinese exam.. (eeeee) smile more, laugh more.. talk more.. slack less.. stone less.. listen more.. erm.. basically that's it la.. but most importantly.. HAVE FUN! and of cos STUDY HARD at the same time! yeah!!~ i can do that la.. dun get stressed much la.. just irritated and super sian until i tend to get pissed and moody during exam period.. heh.. =P

ahhh yeaaaah.. final day of 2002.. been an eventful year with tons of surprises, new experiences, new friends.. it's been a good year altho i've been too much of a waster of money and needless spending this year.. couldn't curb my greed for wants and my incessant need for irc.. alot of bad habits learnt this year.. slacking too much in lectures and tutorials.. i have learnt how to stone at anytime and any place perfectly.. argh.. and how easy it is to fall asleep anywhere.. terrible terrible.. i oughta stop.. been sick alot of times this year.. and developed a fricking allergy to chocolate.. lousy..
but it was a good year and i don't regret having lived through it.. =)

so i'm waving rather tearfully to 2002 (goodbye! i'll miss ya! *sobx*) and ushering in the new year.. 2003.. a whole new year.. blank and unmarred for me to fill with memories and hopes.. perhaps continue on my quest for self-discovery.. have more adventure.. ahh.. where should i start.. dith has so much on her mind.. =)
maybe she'll start with a new cca.. publications being the most likely choice.. heh..

okie.. should go off to sleep now.. night ppl!
wUv dith \=/~ (*_^) chEerS!
(1892)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:41:00 AM

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Sunday, December 29, 2002

ok.. irc's lagging.. been super laggy and splitty these few days.. hmmx.. i dunno what crap we're talking on main now.. something about selling C&A articles... hey! i want! XD

sian. homework again.. still got unfinished hw.. must do.. tml doing waves.. fren still has my stack of math hw and remedial.. mmm.. i loan it to her today.. i met one fren at 1115 today.. not 1015 like i promised .. cos wonder of wonders.. she just woke up! haha.. and i, i who got 3 hours of sleep was ready by 1015.. hehehe.. so yeah.. den we took the bus to serangoon.. the bus op the cj bus stop.. we took 135 i think.. alighted near the new sr mrt near some complex? not sure.. i dunno the place well.. yeah.. and we met up with another fren.. ^^

camped at kfc eating chatting and -trying- to get some work done.. ehhehe.. ok la.. at least now i understand oscillations better.. but waves? erm.. sorry loh.. dith din go for the lect.. sick as a dog that day, she thinks.. =P
ate cheese fries and we shared a drink.. free flow i think.. erm.. dun ever mix ice lemon tea with soft drinks.. we mixed Ice Lemon Tea, Root Beer, Pepsi.. Sprite.. eeee... it's was like kinda in a large proportion.. so erm.. tasted like medicine! haha.. i think it's the bitterness of the tea.. adding to the sweetness.. somemore the rest of the beverages are so bubbly and fizzy, and ice tea is.. erm.. flat? haha..

left around 3+ going to 4.. took 153 back i think.. gotta top up my ez-link card.. i think $1 or less left inside only.. hahaha.. sian.. another 5 bucks gone.. =/ and i thought i could save up some cash... haix..
so yeah.. dropped at lorong 8 i think.. long time since i've been dere.. didn't explore.. cos i was kinda tired.. and my fren also seh diao le.. haha.. brings back memories of when i was in pri sch.. we sometimes would make our way over to the playground nearby and just hang out.. or meet up there and chiong the playground.. so fun.. i love the playground.. i wanna swinng... but now i'm like too darn heavy.. always hear the creaking noises.. sad. and i dunno why but now i'm like kinda giddy when i do swing.. so sad.. =/
perhaps children have a higher tolerance..

i still can't do the monkey bars tho! arghhh.. hahah

oh yeah.. den took a feeder with my fren back to her block and sent her to the lift.. =P
den i plodded 2 streets back to my house.. mom called halfway.. asking where i was.. i was like:"eh.. walking that tree-lined path back to the house.." hahha.. mom was in central.. sis had tuition.. chinese.. today.. mm.. so was like thinking of meeting up.. but my block stood welcomingly in front of me.. luring me with every step i took that led me nearer to it..

in the end i decided to go home.. tired.. needed sleep.. yeah..
something wrong with the lock.. think needs oiling.. today i spent so much time at the front door.. wrenching my key about in the keyhole.. people might have thought i was robbing my own house! haha.. lolx.. yeah.. reli stuck.. haix.. but i managed to get in.. or maybe it's just my key.. or me... =X
but yest when i reached home at 12+am after waiting with my fren at the bus stop in amk.. eh.. it was ok leh.... ?_? >_< *shrug*

my mom was like: "why you send people home/off.. like you're their boyfriend liddat"
so i retorted: "sometimes they send me off also.. so i also do that loh.."
i took the last train from amk home! hahah....
so early tho.. dunno why it was the last one.. waited damn long for it too cos i -just- missed the previous one... and waited damn long for my feeder at tpy interchange after that...sianx... haha....

reached home 4+ today.. replied some sms.. den just crashed until 9+... ahhh... need sleeeepppp..
my bad.. haha.. bedtime was from 6.20-9.30am....mmmx.. bad habit.... =/ cannot sleep in the am.... in the future when sch reopens.. that would be the time i have to be getting ready.... wahahahahx.... sian. hate schhhh .... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

aye.. i shall return to irc now.....
possibly going to chalet tml... most prob staying over...dun miss me k.. only one day.. hahahaha... maybe morn meeting frens for phy again.... den later in the afternoon meeting james cos he's coming to tpy prima deli to collect kim's cake den bring to the chalet... argh.. he may be irritating.. but at least it's still company... should i stay? i dowan to miss out on some stuff tho......... one day not online........ *gloomy look*

i guess i'll survive....
=)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:57:00 AM

Saturday, December 28, 2002

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Isn't it funny how the tiniest of things can make one happy throughout the day? seemingly change your mood around.. either from feeling cursed and pissed to feeling blessed and energetically joyful? it could be receiving something you reli wanted or wished for.. a pleasant surprise.. a smattering of good news.. being with the person you love.. or just being high on sugar.. many tiny little things that somehow.. miraculously send these electrical impulses.. messages to that niche of your brain.. sparking off those happy feelings.. light and airy.. smiley and excitable.. and at the same time stretches the muscles around your mouth into a never-faltering smile.. you try to pretend to be indifferent.. but your lips unawarely pull themselves into that annoying yet ever-so-enjoyable smile.. the ticklish feeling of happiness.. warmth rising through you.. and you suddenly feel the urge to be nice and friendly to everyone.. to pass this on.. sure, i wouldn't mind if happiness were contagious.. being infected for life would be great!~ but it is. not entirely contagious.. but catching, for a while, at least... =)

when you see someone smiling back at you after a long tiring day.. or wishing you with a smile to close or start off your day.. doesn't it give you the tiniest bit of energy to carry on with whatever a little while longer? even if you're royally superbly extremely pissed or irritable.. it might have some effect on you.. ok, i admit.. on reli bad days the sight of people smiling just drives me further down into the depths of my misery.. "why do they have to be happy all the time?" now that i'm happy, i guess it's just jealousy.. but it transforms into a deeper, more profound and mysterious feeling when you're depressed.. sombrerity rules when you're writing something, say for example, blogging.. you can reli trash out your feelings.. and on reli good days (or should i say, bad.. ironically) they just come in torrents.. as if your fingertips are channels for the liquid thought and inspiration to come gushing out.. all settling neatly into place without much effort..

but yes, happiness does give one the energy.. the life.. the vivacity.. it shines through and catches everyone's eye.. be it a chuckle, a grin, a sparkle in the eye.. you exude energy.. this aura.. this glow.. and pure happiness is such a rare thing to most.. as is slight joy and meaning in life to those suffering from clinical depression..

So.. to what do i owe this to? hahah.. i deem it better to be made anonymous. some things are better left unsaid for it to last longer.. like memories.. they seem to fade faster and seem less memorable with each replay.. i tried it.. there was this time i acted in my sch's lit play.. for julius caesar.. i remember all the drudgery and frustration in the rehearsals.. how we re-decided on another act and scene.. all the criticism and feelings of uselessness when you can't seem to do it right.. yet it was all rewarded.. hard work pays off.. hard work and dedication.

ok. so i wasn't v dedicated.. sometimes i even felt like giving up or quitting. but i didn't.
(lesson here: dun give up.. it will pay off, eventually! ^^)

pardon me today.. i'm feeling unusually optimistic.. hehehe..

i kept reliving the scene in my head.. from how the orientation of the stage got switched around so we were lost, yet how smoothly certain parts went.. Brutus had to grab my shoulder at one point, and i was behind 'him'.. and 'he' couldn't see me.. but somehow.. 'his' hand found my shoulder and the scene looked convincingly real.. altho there were some goofups.. like the part where we took extra long spilling the blood from the plastic bag cos we couldn't see where it was and we were too close together and it got stuck.. haha.. that brought up some laughs from the audience.. and it was a serious scene.. lolx.. heey.. come on.. brutus was in the middle of committing suicide.. was supposed to be touching and sad, k.. hahahahah.... =P

ah... and the costumes! oh the costume.. cardboard shoes.. with string.. cloth draped over stained with blood.. shiny paper and foil for the armour.. and the helmets.. strings that went under my chin and choked me.. and me, strato, spending like 1/4 of the play sleeping at the corner until my cue.. ah.. fond memories.. =) and .. WAHEY! the kick in reminiscing about them has come back after not replaying it over and over and over in succession in my head.. cool.. =)

ahhh..... it's 2.30am and i'm frigging happy.. i'm actually looking forward to dragging myself outta bed damn early tml to meet my fren in tpy central at 1015am to do phy... aren't i mad.. i'm like so hyper and happy and energetic today.. that's sooooo unlike dith.... i'm delightful dith today.. not ranty depressed dith.. aint that good.... wanna haaaang onto thissss.... XD

I'm happy.. my blog is happy.. is the reader happy? i hope so. (^_____________^)
and i hope this feeling will last.
i like it. =)

sweet and happy dreams to me and to you and to everyone! lurrvee dith! XD
O[^_-]o yippeeeeeeeee!
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 2:39:00 AM

Friday, December 27, 2002

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Thursday, December 26, 2002

argh.. kinda pissed now. ex smsed me.. asking if i missed him anot... ~____~;;;
habitual thing or just that he forgot we're not together anymore? ok. i know i may have dealt him a blow.. but.. argh.. dunno la.
i ignored his 2nd sms.. den he smsed again asking if i was going to the chalet.. weird lah.. i dowan to see him there.. dun even think i'm staying over loh.. haix.. sian man. yeah. den he apologizes for saying those stuff to me cos blahblahblah.. drop it la.. haix.

nvm la.. no more griping.. mm.. everyone's coming back on on irc.. but so many splits!!!!! 4 or 5 thus far! and i myself was caught in 3.. sianzation... blah.. okie la.. stopping now.. just ranting.. so damn bored you see....

heh. (p'-'p)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:53:00 PM

ok. previous entry irritated the hell outta me.. not only did it take me hell long to crap out, later on blogger screwed up on me.. and would only work if i disconnected from the net and reconnected.. which i did. for 3 times. arghhh.. sucks. dunno why blogger late at night.. erm.. morning.. 6am.. always screws on me.. aww well..

i realised my entries of late are getting increasingly depressing. wow. but i write well when i'm in the calm comatose-like depressed mood.. everything just seems to flow.. especially in the wee hours of the morning.. been long time since i've wrote stories.. the only writing i've been doing is my blog.. can't even write songs now.. block! arghhhhh... =(

anyway i decided to book tix online for AL's concert here.. hmm.. if the need arises i might even get a fake-o mc from the polyclinic in my neighbourhood and just dun attend sch all together. haha.. doubt if my mom will allow me to.. but i could convince her... yeahh~~ =)
i promised her not to cut classes anymore next yr.. but.. i just can't habit.. old habits die hard.. yeah.. stoning, cutting if i dun feel like it, running amok in the sch compound while everyone's at their class.. argh... going out after school.. not being able to study.. seems like my spurt of studiousness wore off.. i din touch physics for 2 days already.. haha.. haix... my homework.. hopeless case... reli gonna be doomed next yr...

i haven't made it official yet.. but i am hereby quitting my lousy cca.. dunno what to join.. rejoin eldds? or carry on from sec school.. guitar? how about something new? sports? nah.. too damn unfit.. i can't even finish 2 rounds stamina charged and fast.. i'll be like panting at the last stretch.. running slower than a tortoise.. yeah.. that's why i pon pe.. i ponned for a month plus in succession towards the end of this year. i dun like it. dun like being so unfit.. yet i dun wanna train.. i hate running.. it sucks.. it's so... flat. boring. tiring. and i dun have the determination and mindset to push myself. sure.. i always end off as the last one in class.. lagging behind.. plodding away.. panting.. heaving.. exhausted.. out of breath.. pe teacher says that altho i lost weight to like 130%, i'm still having the fitness of an obese person.. a person above 150% on the moe-devised board.. ARGH.. i hate the moe. i hate the hpb. i hate taf. it sucks. i suck. haix.

ok la.. i've been in TAF ONLY my WHOLE life.. since pri sch.. den sec sch.. now jc.. at first it stressed me out.. i found it embarrassing to be deemed on LIFETIME records that i was officially fat. oh yeah. but i grew used to it. and the rebellious streak in me always found reason to pon pon pon. to face up to the teachers giving me crap about my fat. to ignore all the shit that i would be given if i continued on like this. hah. i'm still here. fatty-ass dith is still here.

argh. bloody fuck.

ok yeah.. onto another issue.. i realise some ppl can't see my latest entries.. only from dec12... wtf? ugh.. another thing to add to my list of hated things: blogspot. lame lah.. kaox..

ok.. now booking tix to avril lavigne's concert.. cool cool cool.. me can't waaaiiit.. =D

haix.. i did what i set out to do today. i sent a super long sms last night.. 3 msgs long.. and that was about 6+am.. in the morning he smsed me back.. saying he respects my decision and that yeah.. i'm single now.. blah.. not that i'm on the prowl for another now.. why should i be? gotta start concentrating on As next yr.. so somehow, what jes said was true.. only for the hols.. like some... haix. nvm.. dun dreg over it.. blahblah..

mm.. i'm hungry.. off to the kitchen to see what's cooking..
tataz!!! =)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:52:00 PM

I was thinking. thinking some things thru while i was watching You've Got Mail on ch5 earlier. thinking about my relationships with.. people. Particularly those that involve romance. What is love? what is like? what is a crush? what is infatuation? what is obsession? so many questions that trail off.. into oblivion. who knows the answers to all of them? perhaps not even aristotle himself.

Ok gal. one step at a time. you can do it. baby steps. ditch the walker. quit crawling around.

Confusion, like i've probably mentioned before is a strong emotion. it can cloud judgement. especially at the time you need it most. i admit, i was confused that night. feeling confused, betrayed and sad. i felt like a good fren had suddenly gone behind my back to do sth that she felt would help me.. but in the end messed stuff up. yes. that's what happened. long messy story.
confused because i was pissed. pissed at him, pissed at her. pissed at myself for trusting too much. i've gone thru this before. i should have known. i SHOULD have known what would come. never leak vital information if you don't want anything to happen. i know i shouldn't be blogging stuff that's too personal.. but wth. again i will state: you had a choice in reading this. if you dun like what you're reading, too bad. you made the wrong choice. so go home, hide under your covers and take a large sleeping pill.
confused with my emotions. ok. i knew how he felt. but me? yes. it was tempting. temptation is sinful. i know. it pushed me to the edge of the precipice and now i'm left dangling.. cut the rope or hang forever in agony, in deceit, in lies? i liked him that time. -like-. maybe it was a crush or something, i dunno.. haix.. flower-hearted dith.. doesn't know whether she's coming or going half the time. i should known better. i'm an intelligent human being. (everyone is. well, until they're clouded by confusion and crap) problem is.. sometimes my heart rules my actions, not my brain.

so i accepted.

first bf. new experience. lessons learnt. knowledge gained. at the expense of?
and now i've decided. i've thought it over. i'm making it clear to myself and i believe it's the right thing to do for me.

but him?

innocent party. doesn't even know what's coming. i am so gonna break his heart. fine. call me play-girl bitch. but i reli didn't know what to do at the time. for 2 weeks i was contemplating. for 2 weeks i was confused. for 2 weeks i was weirded out. and for 2 weeks i was torn between yes, no and wait and see.

maybe i was impatient. curious to get attached. a taste of the forbidden fruit.
a tiny voice squeals in my head: "but i did like him"
conscience speaks up: "like as in friendly-like or like as in romantic-like?"
and dith, torn apart, mind ripped to shreds by inner conflict shrugs her shoulders to herself and mutters incoherently: "i dunno."
exactly what she does everytime she is torn and lost or at a junction with no firm decision.

call me fickle. indecisive.

yeah, sure. i am. even with those things i reli want.
do i have the confidence and perseverence to carry on further? in the long run will i still stick firm to my decision? is this a good choice i'm making? consequences?

that's just me.

but i've made this choice. no turning back now. i have decided and i will stick to it. i know it will possibly destroy him, but it's better than dragging it on forever. better to be single and free than to be stuck months, maybe years with a person who occasionally disappoints me.. and sometimes we're not even on the same wavelength. i can't go on like this. lying to myself, saying it will be alright.. maybe i'll just drag it and wait for him to initiate it.. blahblahblah.
sure. i've considered the consequences. according to him, he dropped all contact with all his rejections. i dun think i wanna lose him as a fren. but if it's inevitable, so be it. it will be hard. i see him on irc nearly every day.. and he smses me practically every day too. i've been finding him irritating as of late. i know it's not his fault, maybe it's mine.. but mainly it was due to the circumstances at that time. he -can- be sweet.. but mostly it bores me. he doesn't call, we don't go out much. frankly i dun like his online or sms persona. and that's where we mostly communicate. maybe i need someone sentimental.. profound yet light-hearted.. who understands me well and doesn't come off as too thick. too insensitive. who will make me feel at ease. who can cheer me up when i'm down, be there for me and -know- when i'm sad.. to steer me in the right direction. someone who isn't fixated on one thing and one thing alone.. someone whom i can crap to forever and feel entirely at ease with. someone sweet enough but not to the point of cloying or clingy. sound like you? maybe it's you. *shrug* =(

you may think i'm reli bad to break this guy's heart.. but no. i feel bad about this. kept putting it off. pretending that nothing was wrong. i'm like sad right now. but no, dith the amazon woman can't cry because she taught herself not to. that it was weak and bad.. and something to be smirked at, taunted for. argh. i hate being honest with myself, yet here i am.. and it's all gonna be read. oh well. i'll get over it.

so anyway. back to another thing. back to the same question i asked few entries back: start afresh or pick up from where i left off?
opportunity's looking me in the eye here.. but uncertainty and lack of confidence holds me back once more. i'm gonna be very very vague here. dunno if i can handle more of this stress. do i like him or like-like him? or maybe it's just some manifestation. plain old habit or what? why do i leave his msgs sitting in my inbox, undeleted? why. that 3-letter word stares me in the face once again. Mocking my uncertainty. leaving me hanging with no explaination to give even myself. WTH IS WRONG WITH ME?! WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH! UGH.

"i dunno"

there i go again. haix.. maybe i'll just give up and let it drift... drift... drift... off into nothingness.. and i won't be bound by the shackles of my heart anymore. yet a mix of logic and emotions is the best formula for judgement. sometimes i wish i could seal off that infernal organ (or muscle).........

argh. dun talk about this liao lah.
driving me nutty and setting me all philosophically-literature-y again. -_-;

anyway it's 4.45am now.. and i'm still awake. i'm still awake and i feel better, clearer and lighter. the cloud in my head is evaporating slowly. remember dith. baby steps. take one step at a time. first step is to settle the matter with mark. leave everything else to fate. (if there is such a thing) what will be, will be. it's only a matter of time. embrace the inevitable.

anyway, tml i'm gonna meet some #ajc guy to get avril lavigne tix! mah groupie!!!! XD
coooooooooool!
anyone wanna join the AL groupie club? o(*_*)Y
details: $50 for free standing tix.. 23rd jan, thurs.. 7.30pm.. i'm getting those tix tml.. so if ya wanna join us.. gimme an sms or sth.. time once again to widen my social circle, mix around, make new friends.. and of cos, do what i do best, be chao f|aWie on irc..

=D~~~

anyway, thanks zesin.. i feel so much better.. thanks for listening to all my crap tonight! *hugZ*
no regrets. ever. =)

(funnily enuf, i've managed to crap 1333 words, not including these.)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 4:51:00 AM

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

oh. just for the record, this rant is a wholesome One Thousand, Eight Hundred and Seventy-Eight words long.

slowly enjoy.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:40:00 PM

tis the season to be jolly.. huh. issit? what a load of steaming crap. pishpash.. today everyone was nice.. yeah sure.. some were genuinely nice.. but i bet they're nice not only on xmas but on other 'ordinary' days too.. some were.. well.. extra nice today.. and of cos there are those who are fake-o nice.. well.. i often see myself in that category. yeah, well.. i'm fake.. i'm plastic.. it's fantastic.. nananaa.

ok lah.. that's not the reason for my pissiness.. i'm reli pissed cos that was the final emotion i experienced on the way home.. we were shopping in orchard after marche.. today was min. $10 per person.. so we had loads of stuff.. first time i tried escargo too.. interesting.. kinda like clam.. hey.. as long as i don't have to scoop the grey meat outta the shell i'm cool with it.. it's the shell that irks me, i guess.. i had it in cream soup.. so wasn't so bad.. and then we had the usual rosti.. calamari.. my aunt had fried rice.. i tried the apple wine there.. 40%.. frankly i don't like wine.. and apple wine is like.. *scrunches up face* a tad too 'winey' for me.

ugh.. good start to a shitty day. my nose started running amongst all things.. there was some mix up.. ppl called me ma'am? (wtf.. do i look THAT old?) _|_
argh.

nvm.. trivial things. like a gentle breeze they whisk on by and float off, leaving no trace or memory after awhile.
but.
after centrepoint. came the straw, or rather, the cab ride that broke the dith's back.

fine. fine.
call me a discriminating bitch. call me bias. call me a high-society chick who looks down on those who have lowly jobs. call me a bastard. or just call me a gal on pms.

too bad. you're wrong.
1. the first thing you must know about me that i don't talk about it my dad's job. he's -also- a cab driver. and SAD to say, he drives the same kind of cab that freaking asshole drove today. Comfort.
HAH. what comfort did it offer, may i ask? wasn't worth the $12 bucks my mom paid. wasn't even worth a drop of my saliva.
My aunt is old. she's like 20+ years my mom's senior or sth.. well.. they're half sisters. so yeah. my aunt is old. 70+ to be exact. and it's only right to give aging folks some respect even those foul-mood ones. (give them the benefit of the doubt that they're suffering from old-age crankiness, dementia or are somewhat senile. don't always assume they're doing it on purpose because they CAN. oh, and did you ever CONSIDER that they, like everyone ELSE can have bad days?)
so after shopping, my mom bought her some food and stuff (cos she lives alone) and we waited in the taxi stand outside centrepoint.

Call it just damn luck or trash luck or whatever.

oh yes. we HAD to HAVE this ANNOYING cab driver. small irritable man who was proficient in hokkien or some kinda ruffian dialect with close cropped fuzzy hair on that head of his. oh YES.

at FIRST it was ok. then suddenly my aunt asked why we weren't going down the road she usually goes. ok. fine. i don't understand a word of what they were talking (or rather squawking about) i for one am not fluent in hokkien or any dialect. but that doesn't mean you can insult me to my face whenever you feel like it. so _|_ off.

like 2 headless chickens trying to claw each other to death and 1 chicken losing it's head, (driver, aunt and mom respectively) they argued on. and noise in a small enclosed area IS noise. me and my sis were sitting at the back, TOLERATING whatever nonsensical insults or whatnot they were hurling at each other. each demanding they were right or what crap.

i dunno and i dun care. but HELL. it SURE sounded like some quarrel leading to a fight. i half expected all 3 people to face each other with fists clenched.. even the driver. (maybe he could just drive with his feet. watever.) yaaaaa yaaaa.
everyone getting increasingly irritated with each other.

at first i was fine. yep.. i was fine. din reli know what the hell was going on.. just slightly annoyed. but i managed to absorb myself in the scenery outside.. stoning at the lines of moving trees and lampposts.. cos i was just damn flat out. not to mention kinda coming down with something.

and then my aunt, according to my mom: "excitable" as anything, wanted to get the presents for us. meaning, that when we reached her house, she would "run up and run down". my mom didn't want to leave me and my sis alone in the cab; afraid that he might drive off with her children.

logical enough.
in fact, i myself was considering that.

so my sis went up with my aunt after getting lost and blurred. like she alwaays does. nothing new.

and my mom, that asshole and me were in the vehicle alone.
oh. happyhappyjoyjoy.

KAOBEI HEAVEN FOR ALL!

.............

nabei loh. both argueing in that knn irritating voice.. somemore i think he was some ex-gangster or sth.. i can imagine him talking like that like a da4 er3 long2 to one of the people who owes him. yah yah. yadayada. go on, bite each other's heads off.
as if they know each other so well. sounded like it, tho.

kaobeiness.

both sitting on front. yapyapyapping away. me, trying hard not to listen.. staring outta the window at the dark silent street, save for a few lampposts here and there.. circles of light framing the lithe raindrops pattering down on the shiny tar road.

it's a wonder how long 5 minutes can seem.

i was beginning to make hissy noises under my breath. had to control the urge to bolt out of the damned vehicle and slam the car door. HARD. show the them finger and call him a chao fucker. all the works.
but nooo.. i was trying hard to feel the x'mas spirit. to be the tolerant and cultured lady i, we, are all brought up to be. didn't wanna appear uncouth or vulgar. who knows what people might think. what kind of parents i have. what lifestyle i lead. etc. well.. i'm sure you're intelligent enough to get the picture.

but. i. just. couldn't. take. it.

either leave the taxi or retort back. or i would e-x-p-l-o-d-e.
so i started muttering from the back seat. hah. "pissified mutterings from the back seat". -_-;
muttering stuff like "yaaaa lah yaaaa lah. stop it lah. kaobei lah." or whatnot. nothing too rude.

trust me. honestly i'm v tolerant with people. all kinds. i can face scolding like nothing. i can take the flecks of a teacher's angry spit for another. but this time..
i dunno. maybe i was just too fed up. i mean, come ON. we're perfect strangers. and you're ARGUEING cos you were reprimanded MILDLY by a senior citizen????!!!! wtf is the MATTER with you, you stinking JERK-OFF?
ARGH. DIAM LAH. NABEI.

arguementative and grouching over his life to my mom.. who seemed to be the only one paying attention. with disgruntled "ya's" in between. me and my sis were looking out separate side windows. trying to cool our boiling blood.

we reached home. and he managed to SHUT up, at least for awhile during the last stretch home.
ARGH. you can't teach an old dog new tricks. some people are just too thick or full of crap to know when to stop or shut the fuck up.
the fare was 11+. and my mom offered him a TIP.

WTF.

my eyes, which had been rolling nearly all journey rolled a few extra rounds in my socket. i couldn't believe my eyes. so i bolted outta the taxi dragging whatever bundles that were in my reach. but not before i heard my mom patiently thanking him for his trouble and him reluctantly accepting her tip in the end and thanking her.

so. FAKE.
@$#%$%^$%&^%#$@#$@#!@$^^*#%&@$@.

what sort of strategy was it loh? making him feel bad for scolding my aunt a hokkien cuss word for the male genitalia? what use would it have. he will only learn if i stick my fist right THROUGH his damn face, before rendering him a mangled corpse in the butchery. using all the tools and technology available at my command. hah.

and henceforth, today was a lousy day. but why should i let such a low-life (and not because of his occupation) ruin my mood, huh. so i'm here, blogging it out. purging these contaminants off society off my mind and where they belong: in the gutter amongst rotting bodies of dead vermin.. in fact, below them even.

oh yeah.
2. i am not rich. in fact, my family is -just- subsisting on my father's income. and i think an honest roadsweeper's just as fine as an honest president in the istana. jobs are jobs. as long as you do a good and honest job it's fine with me. i don't care who you are. but if you're a jerk, yeah. i bother. and i will go all out of my way to ignore you totally if you cross me the wrong way. so don't call me a high-society chick who looks down on ppl with lowly jobs just cos you somehow manage to sympathise with that asshole cab driver.

3. so. you're still thinking i'm making a mountain outta a molehill? well so what. it may seem like a small thing to you. but put yourself in my place in my shoes in my mood at that time. when i think about it, yeah. sure. trivial matter. why bother, right?

finefine. there are worse people than that.

i STILL recall CLEARLY this time back in sec2. i was standing in the crowded mrt. no handholds. just me, my large overstuffed bagpack and tons of people sandwiching me from all directions. my friends also had barely enough space.
i was fat. still am fat. but i was fatter then, looking even larger in my sec sch uniform.. pleats billowing out in all directions. held in place by only a narrow strip of cloth: the belt.

fine. it's my fault for being right in your face, carrying my schoolbooks and being large, issit?
it's my fault for buying those books and putting them into my bag and enrolling in a school, issit?
it's my fault for not moving when all around me are people?
it's my fault that i am not obedient enough to your command, to push those people aside to make way for your ROYAL HINEY ISSIT?

well. congrats.
you have been granted the extremely exalted PRIVILEGE to call my school and COMPLAINT against me.
go on, take out that black cellphone of yours and dial my school's number.
oh, and why don't you do it in front of me too. adds to the excitement.
my school? yeah yeah, you're correct. on the spot.
i'm from SNGH when i am not even wearing their trademark CLOTH BADGE.

HELLLO KNUCKLEHEAD.

and hello society.
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:35:00 PM

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

,@.
,o;*`;.
,:';*o:\_,
,:;o_;%.:,
;#*;:o:&:*;.
]_[

mErRy XmAs OnE & aLL!!!!

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 6:10:00 PM

Ahh.. let's do a cheery entry today, shall we? hehex.. ^-^ It's christmas eve and it's raining out.. nice weather.. cleansing everything to make it a fresh christmas.. my favourite kind of weather too.. honest! not the hot and humid kind.. or the sunny yet rainy kind.. but the rainy and cooling kind.. ^^

Not too shabby.. I've managed to chug down 13 chappies of physics holiday homework.. still have 3 more.. i aim to finish before midnight today.. aka before christmas.. den i'll get started on math, chem and maybe gp.. hmm.. i think i'll do the rest of my phy homework later.. lalaa~~ finally got meself a quite nice-y pair of slippers yest.. went shopping with my sis alone.. first time i've done that.. can you believe that?

I haven't reli gotten my sis anything for x'mas.. that's a shame.. but we're all going out tml.. so i guess i'll sneak off by myself and milk my pockets dry.. yepyep.. just dunno what to get for her.. argh.. i feel quite backdated now.. or laggy.. haven't gotten some pressies for some ppl cos i just have no idea what to get them.. haix.. for some ppl it's reli easy.. one look at something.. and you feel that it is -just- for them.. but sometimes.. well.. most of the time.. you can't reli discern what the person reli wants.. cos we, afterall are non-psychic beings.. well, most of us.. and sometimes we dunno the person well enough.. *sigh*~

Still not talking to me dad.. ermx.. and chinese new year's coming.. means we all gotta pile into a vehicle together and head for my cousin's house.. father's side.. argh.. i dun like.. so.. fake. so traditional.. but it's what we do every year.. so.. oh wellx..

oops.. halfway on irc.. haha.. they're discussing some impromptu outing to watch lotr2.. should i go? XD dunno them tho.. dun even know the person i've met before well.. haha.. sucks.. what to do? irc outing.. XD
Maybe i'll stick to my resolution to finish my final 3 chapters of phySICKssssss.... wahahax.. den i'll wait patiently for midnight so i can rip open my presents (muahaha!) and swig vodka.. XD anyway i can buy next yr.... (^_____^) and my frens always buy anyway.. hahaha..

oh yeah.. i planned to avoid ircing too much from now onwards.. been 2 days without going on the comp too.. 2! that's like some feat.. wow.. haha.. i'll try harder guys!!!!!! next stop: getting out of bed.. punctually! tough one.. but today i somehow woke up at 8.38am.. feeling fresh and alert.. but no one was awake.. so i went back to dreamland..

hehe..
*snort*
wUv dith~ (^@@^)
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 5:51:00 PM

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

my sister was having a nap today in the bedroom.. and i just thought that i would take a listen to my new cd.. but aRGH.. i'm nearing the end of song number TWO, and i hear yelling from the room.. for goodness sake. i'm in the freaking living room! so i switched it off, yelled SIA LAN and kept my cd.. okok.. no reason to get pissed over such a small matter.. cds are for.. displaying.. in my house, that is. *sigh* it'sbadtorantit'sbadtorantit'sbadtorant

ugh. everyone was crowding behind me just now.. everyone being my sis and my mom.. ok, i know they're probably not spying on me or sth.. just discussing sth right behind me.. but. i'm paranoid. i have reason to be. anyway my sis also gets paranoid when i walk behind her.. as if my eyesight's -that- good.. well.. her's is MUCH better.. once i was on irc.. chatting happily, luckily, about random stuff.. and den, i hear her comment. *heart stops. thumpthumpthump* what did she see? from when? ok, not that i'm surfing porn or anything or chatting real dirty.. but. it's just my privacy. so i see her, leaning over from where's she's sitting.. laughing at me and commenting.. aRgh.. reli gets me.

and today. fresh from her rudely disturbed nap.. which was of course, MY FAULT. oh dear. me and my hateful music. i should just break all my cds.. all hardly played. wow.

oh, go jump in the lake.

she called me cheena. so? i cuss in hokkien. or japanese. better than cussing in english.. you rather i mutter "fuck you, dammit" audibly in the household? no no.. doesn't go nicely on my ettiquette.. not that i have much tho.. i feel much more comfortable muttering stuff like "nani teme!?" or "chikusho" or "wah lau" or "sia lan" or "kao eh"
urm.. not that it's any more polite.. but it's not my mainly spoken language: english.. so i guess i dun feel bad using them.. XD

well.. she's onto this cheena business of hers.. complaining zhss is a cheena sch.. all her friends v cheena and stuff.. and she regrets going... even spb is cheena.. blahblahblah.. words from big sis? singapore is mostly like that. better get exposed to it, rather than suffer a massive culture shock, right? ok, i admit.. aj is cheena.. but i'm more or less adapting.. not that i'm THAT english anyway.. i'm a chinese singaporean too.. i just don't immerse myself in chinese dramas, chinese music, etc..

so where was i? oh.. trying not to rant. but i'm failing oh so horribly. damn. i suck. anyway i decided to ignore those channel takeover faggots. i shifted channels.. now my private channel is #[f|aW] .... gonna get it registered.. *plsbesuccessfulplsbesuccessful*
freaks la.. reli nothing better to do..

anyway two of my friends got their results today.. N lvls.. haix.. not good news. but they're not giving up.. ganbatte!!! i'm so proud of them... =) as for me.. i suppose i might be a quitter if i din pass some major exam.. i dunno.. i dun wanna know..

so yeah.. tonight maybe staying up all night to finish up my costume.. cosplay on saturday.. suntec.. i dunno how i'm gonna lug it there, and i think it will be very ugly.. cos of some technical problems and stupid human error.. UGH.. so yeah.. *BIG SIGH*
*wheeze* just gotta go and feel happy, cos that's the only choice i have. if i back out, it'll be like wasting money.. aRgh... *slaps herself*

sometimes i think i'm too impulsive.
it's true, innit?
ok.. time to make costume and relearn how to work a sewing machine.. cos i reli dun feel like sewing by hand.
oyasuminasai~
wUv dith ( x__X )
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 11:36:00 PM

haix.. at least blogger saved that entry.. but that was last night's business.. dun wanna think bout that anymore.. now my chan's more or less back to normal... haix.. but i dunno why those guys had nothing better to do... my chan aint some bigshot channel on irc anyway... crazy morons..

argh.. mom's still awake and nagging my ass off now.. this and that this and that.. internet.. addiction.. cannot control.. tml dun wake you up.. blahblahblah.. haix
ok la.. sometimes i think she's too lenient with me.. budden i still have my sis.. what that she do? same thing. *nagnagnagscoldscoldscold* younger than me somemore! ~____~ _|_
haix

ah well.. today i bought a cd.. and as usual.. i had to ask her permission to play it.. she was like:"no. you wanna gimme a headache?" dotZ. she just came back from camp.. sia lan.. haix... it's reli a love hate thingy between me and her.. maybe i should call her mom.. >_<

anyway today i went out.
issit just me.. or do i wanna end this?
i dunno.. some things in life are hard to do.
pick up from where i left off or start afresh?
no idea also.. too confused
too many variables..
too many risks...

ARGH. sian.

anyway i watched Volcano High today.. quite good ler.. altho by Raintree pictures.. hehee... (localish-related name.. eeee)
KOREAN! ahhhh... who is that shuai ge.. that Kim guy.. hehehhee... haix.

oh well.. gotta slp soon or the threats that i will be left to rot in bed till 3pm tml will ring true..
night one and all!
wUv dith~ 0(L_L)o *nocturnally intoxicated* ^hIc^
...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:16:00 AM

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

okie.. well..
*does breathing exercises*
what is it with ppl these days? some idiot by the nick of ..... arGh
here's some chat:

[03:03] * |{JaS}| sets mode: +b *!*@58delta384.singnet.com.sg
[03:04] * You were kicked by |{JaS}| (f|aW)
[03:04] * Attempting to rejoin channel #f|aw
[03:04] * Unable to join channel (address is banned)
[03:04] * Unable to join channel (address is banned)
[03:06] * Rejoined channel #f|aw
[03:06] * Topic is 'sob sob... f|aw donwan me liao... ~>.<~'
[03:06] * Set by XmAs^oink on Tue Dec 17 02:55:08
[03:06] <|{JaS}|> go out lar
[03:06] <|{JaS}|> oh
[03:06] wtf
[03:06] <|{JaS}|> hihiz
[03:06] <|{JaS}|> dOn come to my channle orh
[03:06] <|{JaS}|> Get out
[03:07] who the hell are you
[03:07] <|{JaS}|> people
[03:07] * vIcrYaN has joined #f|aw
[03:07] fuck off
[03:07] <|{JaS}|> --((･�u))-- r the HELL
[03:07] hah.
[03:07] * vIcrYaN has left #f|aw ( Best script ever seen get it for free at www.scoopsite.com )
[03:07] channel stealer.
[03:07] <|{JaS}|> (o) Yah (o) ~~~
[03:08] * You were kicked by XmAs`kzy (f|aW)

............................
(calm yourself dith.. your channel is registered.. UGH)
i HATE PPL WHO DO THIS

[03:08] opss
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> op
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> n olar
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> --((I))-- did not steal this channle
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> --((I))-- buy 1 get 1 fess
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> free

STILL DARE SAY!!!!!!!!!! WTF
free for all?
i know i shouldn't aggravate them.. but wtf....

[03:09] ...
[03:09] * shia-san has joined #f|aw
[03:09] what did you buy
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> oh
[03:09] <|{JaS}|> Welcome ...
[03:10] <|{JaS}|> rg this cHaNNlE
[03:10] mmm?
[03:10] <|{JaS}|> mmM???
[03:10] <|{JaS}|> EEE???
[03:10] ??ｿｿ??
[03:10] 封� L莊ghs-ﾘｵt-L�ｵﾐ 封�
[03:10] buy 1 get 1 free
[03:10] wahahhaha!
[03:10] you regging it?
[03:11] hah
[03:11] -H� H� H� !-
[03:11] buy 1 get 1 free
[03:11] lame
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> lame
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> is u leh
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> <ﾗ> Hﾖw <ﾗ> ?ｿ?
[03:11] i buy a channel then get this channel free
[03:11] 封� L莊ghs-ﾘｵt-L�ｵﾐ 封�
[03:11] i'm the channel owner
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> (o) Yah (o) ~~~ lor
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> ?ｿ? wH� say ?ｿ?
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> NoPeZ op leh
[03:11] so stfu
[03:11] 封� L莊ghs-ﾘｵt-L�ｵﾐ 封�
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> OwNwE
[03:11] <|{JaS}|> OwNwR
[03:11] stfu
[03:11] hah
[03:11] you can't even spell
[03:11] wahhaha
[03:12] did you lose your education somewhere?
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> --((･�u))-- TOo
[03:12] oh, sorry
[03:12] I SPELL FOR U WAN!
[03:12] but you won't find it in this channel
[03:12] dumbASS
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> (K)褥 (N)� (N)�
[03:12] ASS HOLE
[03:12] * You were kicked by XmAs`kzy (f|aW)
[03:12] * Attempting to rejoin channel #f|aw
[03:12] * Rejoined channel #f|aw
[03:12] * Topic is 'sob sob... f|aw donwan me liao... ~>.<~'
[03:12] * Set by XmAs^oink on Tue Dec 17 02:55:08
[03:12] hahaha
[03:12] wahhaaha
[03:12] -H� H� H� !-
[03:12] wahahha
[03:12] heheh
[03:12] -K� K� K�-
[03:12] hoho
[03:12] wahahha
[03:12] wahwhhehehehe
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> oh
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> --(H礬�)--
[03:12] wahohohohoh
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> [:H腥腥�:]
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> HaHa
[03:12] wahhhahaha
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> [HaHaHaHa]-[HaHaHaHa]
[03:12] hewheheh
[03:12] * |{JaS}| [falls]-[from]-[the]-[chair]-[after]-[laughing]-[too]-[much]
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> HｪHｪ
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> haha54
[03:12] aeyah
[03:12] -H� H� H� !-
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> [is] [Laughing] [Non] [Stop] [...] [Hahahahaha]
[03:12] 封� L莊ghs-ﾘｵt-L�ｵﾐ 封�
[03:12] wahahhaha
[03:12] too free already
[03:12] <|{JaS}|> [H]� [H]� ...
[03:12] whehehe
[03:13] a u 2
[03:13] stup la
[03:13] 封� L莊ghs-ﾘｵt-L�ｵﾐ 封�
[03:13] <|{JaS}|> sucky
[03:13] <|{JaS}|> sucke
[03:13] just sit there listen to we 2 talk la
[03:13] we stay here 24 hrs
[03:13] jas
[03:13] how abut 48?
[03:14] 封� Hmm 封�
[03:14] not good
[03:14] <|{JaS}|> 48 hour
[03:14] how about 1 week?
[03:14] <|{JaS}|> more good
[03:14] how about 1 week?
[03:14] 封� Hmm 封�
[03:14] <|{JaS}|> 1 year lar
[03:14] 1 mth?
[03:14] :(-�k��-):
[03:14] stady
[03:14] steady
[03:14] <|{JaS}|> 1 year after we rg this channle
[03:14] wahahha
[03:14] 封� L莊ghs-ﾘｵt-L�ｵﾐ 封�

..... and it goes on and on
lamers.

haixxxxxxxxxxx
i WAS in a good mood
a BLOODY good mood.
now i reckon i can't slp well.
blood boiling.

ARGH

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:13:00 AM

Sunday, December 15, 2002

argh.. there are reli some things i cannot write here. stuff that i deem either too embarrassing or will be read by some pple involved who stumble upon my blog. sometimes i wish i had privacy to rant and rave from the depths of my heart, but i can't. self-restraint has to be practised.

i'm afraid.
afraid of confession, of the truth. sure, the truth hurts, and confession is reli hard at times. but wouldn't having the involved parties know the truth be much easier in time to come? Relationships might change, opinions, impression of a person.. but in true friendships (if there exist any), honesty is like the glue that maintains it for a longlong time. But i don't wanna risk it. don't wanna confide in the people. scared of their reactions. after so much i've done and that's happened to build so much.. i don't want my fortress to collapse in a single swift striking blow, from me. the one who reigns in those stone walls. destroyer of one's own creation. wiped out in a few minutes. i dun want that to happen. but recently a change of events has confused me. i realised i dunno myself anymore. why can't i immediately discern how i feel to certain people; situations, etc.

confusion. involvement. when you're involved in something that breeds confusion.. especially if you're caught in the middle of it.. you're totally lost. when in fact the answer shines clear to observers. like this chinese proverb. i dunno how it goes.. but to some extent, yes, it's meaningful and true.

so what do i feel? what should i do?
i dunno yet. maybe i'll just remain dormant. remain silent.
i like things the way they are now. settled and calm.
now's reli not the time to brood over all of this, especially with an important nationwide exam next year.
i should be concentrating on other things, but as usual, my priorities are screwed.

nothing new anyway. solutions?

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:44:00 PM

sometimes i think i sound like a demented sadist who needs psychiatric help.
*hollow laughter*
i might be happier tied to myself in woodbridge anyway.
anyone care to sponser me?

hiding behind a facade.
what lurks beneath unknown.
can you see through it?
see the person within?

i guess in life it's like that. one can't possibly walk around showing one's true emotions.. or at least, to it's fullest extent. ppl will stop. and stare. ogle. and point. laugh. and criticise. as if they're different.
we all hide our true feelings at some point or another. i cannot imagine all unhappy employees marching up to their boss and setting his hair on fire.
i mean, hey, there are loadsa ppl i would wanna do that to.
keyword here is self-control.

or maybe it's just me being a sadist again.
oh well.

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:37:00 PM

anyway, on a lighter note, i went to celebrate my fren's bdae yesterday. sat the 14th. what a bloody day. it turned out like hell. on the superficial side, i was having a bad hair day.. but my fren made an appointment with me and den cancelled it lastlast minute. wtf was with that anyway. sounded so enthusiastic on watching 007 with me at lido. we decided on the time, the venue and the movie. in fact, the iteniary (or however you spell that word. i'm too lazy to check) for that day.. uGh. lucky i was out with my mom before that.. so i wasn't left hanging.. but the thing is, got me kinda annoyed. not pissed. dun get me wrong. just 'bu shuang' abit. but further sms from him further increased it.. maybe two fold each time. all the 'haha's.. not taking it seriously? fine. he went on my mental ignore list for awhile. i give up.

so i hung around my mom, picked up my sis later.. den sent her to tuition.. den went to novena for awhile, before picking her up from tuition.. she needed to buy some last minute stuff.. and i was still sorta hanging around, cos my frens were having the bdae dinner in the evening. we went to Kenny Rogers. nice. i've never been there before, surprisingly.. and it's affordable too. i had the quarters.. with the coleslaw and mac&cheese.. with this pumpkin muffin and i added grape soda.. cost me 11.80.. and it was v filling indeed.. the chicken.. sumptious! ah.. but damn. cost me my diet. i put on 1 kilo. bloody. looks like i gotta ditch my goal for getting outta taf next yr.. gotta lose 5+ kilos by jan 1st.. den they won't bother me no more.. until maybe june. june. bloody hell. my bdae month. and everytime i get my holiday-happy ass back to sch, i'm met with examsexamsexams, nagnagnag, scoldscoldscold, threatenthreatenthreaten. even on my bdae. wow. *applauds* thanks to one and all for making it such an enjoyable day for me. *grimace*

go on, it's my bdae. beat the crap and yell the crap outta dith day.

anyway.. maybe i should like totally go off food right now.. maybe sustain myself on water alone.. until they weigh us when sch-reopens. i might die trying, but at least i tried right? sounds like an extreme measure. but what can i do? since they want it that way. so be it. halleluiaugh. happy day. i'm a walking skeleton. undernourished and looking green. yes. when i diet or dun eat properly i turn slightly greenish. my friends have all commented that at one point or another.. argh. maybe cos i'm too pale.

ambition in life. axe-murderer or sch-arsonist?
both, perhaps. hah. no requirements needed either.
i'll take the job, bub.

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:29:00 PM

i hate my cca, reli, i do.. i regret joining it.. i dun like what goes on in meetings.. seriously, i am bored stiff.. i only joined it for the fact that alot of my friends are in there.. and that it's relatively slack.. but it seems in recent times, they're getting stricter about member participation.. organising activities left right and centre.. and i dun attend.. one thing, because i'm lazy.. but also cos i have no interest in the activities.. and of recent times i've come to dislike certain ppl in the cca.. i find it a chore having to drag myself to meetings.. it sucks.. and now i get news a DAY before.. notifying me that if i dun attend tomorrow's interview which will determine me staying or being booted out.. personally, if they wanna boot me.. go ahead.. but i'd rather have it that i'm quitting cos it sucks.

bloody hell. spoilt my mood.. anyway today i'm also not v happy.. pissed mostly with sch-related things as usual.. thinking about untouched homework, taf club and their pestering ways, cca (recently), facing those idiot teachers again.. how my stupid chinese AO lvl exam will turn out.. my future if i quit my cca, etc. mom's kinda worried that it might affect my entry to uni badly.. as in.. totally barring me from going to NUS. ok.. i can just tell myself.. heck care.. dun go uni den la.. i'll just be a roadsweeper somewhere. but den again.. it's my bloody future.. sucks. maybe i shoulda gone poly or something.. but den again.. family short of funds.. i can't anyhow throw money around like free shit or sth.

i was looking forward to tml.. a nice sister-less day.. sch-less day, worry-free day.. sister going to this cca (again! that infernal word. knn) camp.. 2days and 1 night... and i'll be having a field day with my mom.. and the cca tml is 12pm.. and i dunno how bloody long it will last. not only have i gotta dress up in that slimy uniform, it's like in the middle of the freaking day for goodness sake! wasting my time! argh. in the end.. i'll just die of sianzness.. and rot.. and have no mood for anything else..

i'm distressed. confused. dunno what i'm gonna be in life later. a writer? a journalist? a scientist? i H-A-T-E the word COMPULSARY. compulsary this. compulsary that. dun do it, you die. you pay for it with your life. have your guts ripped out, your head wrenched off. your future torn apart. hope smashed to smithereens. issit supposed to carry this sort of connotation. damn. i hate threats. i know i sound like i'm making a big fuss outta something. a mountain outta some tiny molehill. but fuck! i'm ranting. who cares anyway.. you made a choice to read my diary. *shrug* everything's about choices. and i seem to be making alot of wrong turns lately. down on luck. down on mood. moodless. luckless. pissed.

to hell with the world. i remember on dec 31st 1999 how i was hoping the world would end.. and when it didn't, i waited on Dec 31st 2000 for it to end too.. nothing. all the crap about the new millenium being the destruction of mankind.. all the hype. rubbish. uGh.

seriously too pissed to type properly now even. pissed, worried, frustrated and kinda disappointed with myself now. if that's even possible. weird mix of feelings. *shallow laughter* hah. hah. hardee har har.

l.a.m.e.n.e.s.s.

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:12:00 PM

Saturday, December 14, 2002

correction: should changed to shouldN'T... budden i bet you guys already knew that..
i'm slpy.. lol.. =p

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:48:00 AM

oh well.. another blah day in the life of dith the hermit.. holed up at home again.. cleaning my room.. i wanna paint it orange.. yes i doooo... one whole side is green... so the other shall be orange! haha.. and den i shall stickstickstick loadsa crap stuff onto those walls.. oohh yeahhhh...

Picked up my sister's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets today for a read.. i watched the movie only recently.. slow, aren't I? hahaha.. =P the book's not bad... maybe cos i haven't been reading for sometime.. like 5 english novels this year or something? wah.. lame man.. anyway it aint my fault... i used to digest like 1-3 novels a week back in pri/sec sch.... i guess the older you get, the more age you gain, but the more spare time you lose... ah well.... life's like that? haha..

anyway today's my friend's bdae... sec sch fren.. known her for nearly 5 years.... her 17th bdae... finally! dec 14!!!
HAPPY BDAE KIM!!!!! XD
and they're all staying overnight at one of my other sec sch friend's houses tonight.. 4 of them i think.. all gals' slumber party!! actually they invited me.. but i din feel like going.. getting sick... been quite hoarse lately... so talking's kinda like a chore... sound kinda like Ron in harry potter... =P
squeaky and stuff... o.0;;;

tml they're going to east coast... i reli dunno the schedule... kinda messed up right now.. cos my mom kinda booked me.. and then my bf wants to go out with me... and they're having her bdae dinner in the evening around dhoby gaut there... fish and co, i think.. maybe bringing mark along.. so that he can meet them, get to know them... and go chiong with them on tues.. the chinablack party.. i could go if i wanted.. ignoring my mom and sis and crap... but well... i dun feel like going... sianxness... =P so i'm sitting parties out till i'm legal next year.. too lazy on my part to go around begging for ids anyway... XD

anyway been doing some thinking lately.. since this is a public diary, i wun state.. cos the ppl involved might stumble across my publicised private thoughts.. i should think so much indepth into it.. the more i think.. the more conflicted i will get... the more confused and messed up i will feel... so i guess the best thing is to make most outta what i have now and not be too concerned with what will happen... cos what will happen in the future, if it is meant to happen, it will happen anyway.. ok.. well.. i'm a half believer in fate and all that crap.. about your destiny and stuff... blah.. so sue me.. =P

anyway it's like 3.30am now and i'm still up... i should be sleeping snugly in bed.. too many latenights... last night i turned in at 6am.. well.. correction.. should be last MORNING... blah.. but i'm not tired... *sigh*
it's not insomnia tho... maybe my internal clock's screwed up... always gets this way... especially when it's nearing a new sch year.... ArGh... *slaps self with a sleeping tablet and a timetable*

but it was fun. staying up, i mean.. and i dun regret it..

i like the night... especially the wee hours.. reli quiet and peaceful.. no one to disturb you.. especially since the infernal computer's in the HALL... altho there's the downside... those irritating bugs that like the light.. and totally BUG the hell outta you... ee... dun like them... yucks... haha.. tis a good time for thinking.. deep thought.. good time to write.. (ie blog) inspirational time.. the time when i can be most wide awake.. alert.. and yesh... great study time... why can't i be an owl or some fantastical nocturnal creature? i like werewolves... silver-haired ones... howling mysteriously in the night.. to run freely in the moonlight... unhindered and empowered... silent and strong... *trails off.....*

blahblahblah.... i'm droning... hehe.. guess i should stop before i bore the socks off everyone.. =P
dun think you guys are wearing socks anyway.. so you must all be RELI SUPERBLY TREMENDOUSLY BORED STIFF eh? heheh..
dun fret.. the end (of this entry) is near....

NIGHT! =D
wUv dith~ *('.'o)

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:38:00 AM

Thursday, December 12, 2002

*yawns*
today i went to do cip with my classmates at that yishun childrens' centre again.. i couldn'twake up in the morning.. and i din even know i was being awoken by my ever-patient mom.. haha.. powerrrr... =P
so anyway.. about 8.20 i stumbled outta bed.... half panicked and went to shower.. den just missed the bus... but i was like ON TIME!
in fact, about 10 min earlier? waaaah.... i am impressed with you today, dith!!!! XD

okie well.. today was fine... today was GREAT! wow.. for once.. i was actually having fun with the children there...altho i like slept at 3am the previous night... hehe.. nelson.. tsk... quite a handful... but so fun.. anyway.. i think if i'm his mom i'll die.. wahahx... he's like me loh... but naughtier.. i was told that in k1/k2 i was this 'huai dan' .... finished my hw too damn fast.. den run around the classroom disturbing everyone... ehhe... how come i got no recollection of that? =P
maybe i fancied myself to be too guai liao... =X hahaha...

so after cip.. which involved alot of fun and games... there was debriefing as usual... i reli dun mind going back there again loh.. haha.. maybe today i got energy or in good mood or whatnot... siao one la me... hehex.. den later my frens left to go home.. but one of them supposed to meet her guy friend at 2pm.. so i walked around with her awhile.. he was late.. so i hung around.. she felt bad cos she thot she was like wasting my time.. but seriously, i'm ok with it loh.. =)
haha.. so yep.. in the end she met him and i zaoed off... din wanna be lightbulb..altho they only friends... hahax.. i caught a glimpse of him tho... rather tall.. kinda beng.. skinny, small built.. blondish fringe.. i liked his hair.. not my type.. but for her it's ok.. ^-^

so later i was so bored.. i took the cityhall train going to marina.. this woman approached me and told me she said she was on the wrong train.. cos she wanted to go orchard or somewhere.. den i was like (in chinese, cos she asked me in that lang) "eh.. no need to change train, it will turn around at marina bay" or something to that effect la.. hehe.. been quite awhile since i've sat the marina bay turnaround train.. =P
can see the train driver get out den waaaaalkkkk to the other side.. hehe.. in similar ajc uniform.. =X (hence the nickname mrt sch.. hehex) so sian.. den stoning... lucky delay... bf finaaalllly turned on his darned phone loh... den after much... haggling? hehe.. what a word to use man.. XD i got him to go out loh.. met him at bishan.. waited 20min.. see, i so patient.. haha.. kinda sitting atop the metal rail near the control station there.. den one of the station masters walked by and told me to get off.. nicely. so i obeyed.. lolx... i'm liddat one lohx.. if you insist i do this in THAT tone.. i will NOT do it... but if you suggest NICELY i do this in a gentle tone, i WILL do it for you.... =)
i'm damn contradictory.. sometimes i can't even stop myself loh.. hahah.. my nature.. ^-^*

so yep.. i came home smelling like a perfume shop.. hehe.. went to body shop to squirt squirt free samples of perfume.. cos he likes perfume.. i'm well... *shrug* neutral with it, i guess.. hehex... my arm is like -coated- with a various mix of perfume... dotdotdot loh.. lucky no allergic reaction, nor rashes or itchyness... heng arrrr~~~~

yah loh.. anyway i gtg slp now... still gotta decide whether i wanna go to the ChinaBlack party next tues ler.. like abit sian.. i lazee to borrow id leh.. wah sianxxx... and i no dough liao to hua1.. so how? dun go? can also.. =P
i also dun care le... hahaa.. dowan to bei4 despo guys chen4 ji1 luan4 dong4 and mo1mo1 also.... pengz sia loh... sian.

tml wanna wake up early and send some xmas cards perhaps? haha.. maybe send a flying elephant by dhl or whatever la.. *wink* hahaha.. just hope the addresses are correct... =P
Later the zoo call me not my fault hor.......................

hahaha..... pffft!!!!

yep.. still listening to songs on my winamp.. now it's the instrumental vershie of Alone by er.. forgot.. but from the soundtrack of Gensoumaden Saiyuki.. =) i like that anime.. altho some ppl dun like it... haix... if i got money i go buy the manga... including RELOAD! yay!!!! go workwork after As next year.... hehex..... oooh yeah................ *eyes become money signs*

yah.. so tml actually gotta wake up and clear my room la.. not to mention DIG FOR MY HW... hehe.. i wanna show the teachers that at LEAST i am trying to turn over a new leaf.. esp my phySICKs teacher.. so they wun kpkb so much, get off my back, off my blardee case... =P

so off i go.......................to Zzzzzz
oyasuminasai minna-san!!!! ja mata ashita!!!!
wUv dith~ =3 *nyaa*

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 1:40:00 AM

Monday, December 09, 2002

ok.. well.. monday night and i'm bored. as usual. dad watching opera on arts central.. i think it's charlotte church and her lungs. wateva. quickie entry today.. hehe.. alot of crap going on in my head.. some which cannot be said.. some which i have ranted about only a few thousand times.. ah well..

pet peeve. taf club. it sucks... and i aim to get outta it by the time sch starts.. won't be easy.. but i wish to get outta it.. *sigh* i've lost 15 before.. can't i do it again? damn. and now i'm only down to 6!!!!!! 6 freaking kilos!!!!! C'MON DITH! YOU CAN DO IT GAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! *takes out pompoms*

heheh.. some form of mad soliloquy encouragement coming from the blog's author herself.. bleah...

today.. arguement with sis again.. over the comp as usual.. wah sucks man... haix.. and it got me into this incredibly pissy mood AS USUAL.. but heck.. i feel better now.. blah.... anyway now supposed to get off irc... must kick off that darned habit.. yep.. and i'm planning to send an x'mas card to my bf.... i memorised his addy that day he was filling in lucky draw coupons.. hahah.. =X

so well.. anyone wan me to send x'mas cards to them too? gimme or addy or whatnot.. =P
*sprinkles christmassy magic dust on everyone*

oh yeah.. i was practising guitar today.. now into playing avril lavigne songs.. kinda got the hang of Naked.. but it's kinda easy anyway.. heheh.. yep.. it's easy. just that i'm super rusty and i suck... i'm a failure man... nearly 4 years and i SUCK! whoa.. *shrug* ah.. nvm.. blah..

okieokie.. signing off.....
cYa peeps!!!!! ^-^*
mwaaakx hehe

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:54:00 PM

Saturday, December 07, 2002

!!!!!!!!!Do U need a strait jacket?!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:44:00 PM

which eye are you?
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whoa.. this is getting worse... think i'm getting tired... better stop.... XD

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:29:00 PM

What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:22:00 PM

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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o.0 ME? intellectual? man.. that's new... XD

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:15:00 PM

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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 10:03:00 PM

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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:45:00 PM

What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:35:00 PM

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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:31:00 PM

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Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:26:00 PM

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...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 9:20:00 PM

i think i'm in quite alot of shit now.. the other day i went for the sa/cj party at lush... an all gals' night.. and everyone was asking me to go... even my friend's godbro offered to pay for me.. at first i was uncertain... supposed to save up money to repay the gp fund that i used to do my hair... but in the end, i went...
that day i had cip in the morning... kids. i dun reli like them.. altho i act like a kid quite alot i should be able to relate to them easily.. but dunno... do they intimidate me? sometimes when they look at me i feel they're more knowing and sharp than the adults who raise them.. minds uncorrupted by society, undulled by by-the-book learning... i dunno.. but i would like to be a kid forever.. innocent yet knowing.. treating everything new they see and touch as a great experience.. not needing to worry about worldy cares.. no taxes to pay, money to earn.. economics is only how much 5 sweets would cost from the friendly man at the nearby mama shop... politics is who to 'friend' and who not to.. who to play with... no schedules to follow.. only eat sleep play... even studying isn't a chore.. one can easily breeze through exams..

i miss my childhood.. i can only remember fragments of it.. broken bits of memory, glittering brightly then fading slowly as i seemingly 'mature' , age... they look like the fading photographs i have of myself as a youngster.. yellowish, preserved, treasured... when nothing mattered in the whole wide world other than your mommee or your daddee.. your toys...

ugh.. i better break outta this frame of mind.. i should be living in the NOW not the THEN... reliving wastes time.. it's true.. i can spend one entire perfectly good day lazing in bed, reliving the same thing over and over in my head.. but for what? the feelings felt at that moment can never be recaptured EXACTLY as they were.. the glory, the triumph, the happiness, even the sentimentality....

so anyway, i went out with a sec sch friend after cip..then i came home around 5pm.. after a shower and a bit of dinner i met my friends again.... first time going clubbing.. didn't reli know what to expect... we had to borrow ids.. but i got allowed it.. we all got allowed in.... eventually.. *shrug*
i didn't expect it to be quite wild at first... but later i got used to it.. i realised that perfect strangers would start dancing with each other, touching.. even kissing... whoa... i guess for some of the guys it's more of a "let's take advantage of the situation man.."... for those who have that mindset.. GET A LIFE, YOU DESPOS... this fatass tried to take advantage of me.. and the thing is, i see myself as this disgusting fatass gal who's so lousy that a person's taste has to be soooo bad, or the person has to be incredibly blind.. dun ask me why i see myself like that... ask those who influenced me.. namely teachers...
YES. THANK YOU ALL YOU FREAKING TEACHERS WHO CALLED ME FAT AND OBESE AND STUPID AND WHATNOT TO MY FACE. SAME TO YOU TOO. HAVE A NICE DAY.
so i guess they reli play a huge part in a student's life.. teachers. how to get on without them? as they say, they're reli one of those who will reli influence one... other than the parents.. most time, if not spent at home, is spent at sch anyway, there's no escaping that fact.

okok.. digressing again.. me and my paranoia.. i hate it.. i hate being so.. 'zi bei' ... self-hatred? i dunno what's the accurate translation in english.. but to some extent, it sorta means that.. i learnt to harden myself now.. seem happy in real life... but look at me in the virtual world.. is this my true self? or a magnified view of my insecurities?

anyway, i gotta cut the crap. get straight to the point.

i reached home at 4am when i told them i was gonna reach home by 1am. they got pissed. tempers flared. dad shouted the neighbourhood down at around 2am which frightened sis who woke up and cried, then sat in bed and called him 20 adjectives. bloody frigging hell. thank my stars i dun talk to my dad.. not since the middle of sec 3 anyway.. i think i have more freedom, more control over my life this way.. and i'm happier.

i know that i shouldn't be acting like that.. some ppl dun reli have the opportunity to be close to their parents cos of work, overseas trips, divorces, etc.. and some families which are too close limit one's privacy.. i dunno. maybe it's just me and my twisted way of thinking.. sometimes i feel like i'm closer to inanimate objects.. or maybe virtual life..

and sometimes i think: i don't give a damn about anything anymore. so fuck off.

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:29:00 PM

okok.. finally decided to post an entry here.. hmmx.. right now i'm listening to my mp3s.. and downloading stuff from kazaa.. not to mention sorta parking on irc... ah well.. the gist of what i was supposed to write in my entry that day.. hmm.. well.. nothing much la.. i just went strolling round the singapore river... and watched the sunset, etcetc... no mood to write about that now... I'm sooooo bored..... and alone at home.. ah well.. peace and quiet.... =D

i dunno la.. either my sister is in her especially irritating moods or whatnot.. these days she claims that i'm not her sister.. and she orders me to give her sis back.. i mean, wtf is with that?! just cos i'm trying to change my image for the better, i presume.. cos my frens all take it into their stride.. no snide remarks or whatshit... but my SIS... and MOM, not to mention... they're in cahoots with each other sometimes, i swear.. for example.. i wanted to part my hair to the side... cos my friend.. well.. friendS said that i looked much better in side.. and that centre was kinda 'lao tu'.... so i kinda changed it to the side before i went out... den my mom remarked that i looked like those retro 70s ppl?!!? what the shit's up with that... and i got kinda tired of wearing my sandals.. not only cos they're a hassle to remove sometimes.. and when i walk they somehow developed this annoying squelchy sound.... so i decided to wear slippers.. crap la.. she said i was turning into an ah lian... not that ah lians are bad or anything... but it just aint me.. no matter how hard i try, i cannot be one.... bloody hell..
wearing slippers, op board shorts, and a bright tee and having rebonded hair that's beginning to qiao abit and a tad brown instantly makes me an ah lian and an alien lifeform to my sis? wtf... i mean like hell.... i'm GROWING UP FOR GOODNESS SAKE... you can't expect me to stick in the ways of yesteryear... with my short boyish hair and 'cho loh' ness.. and you can't expect me to wear pants that are totally falling off my butt? i mean, hey.. it's good.. i've lost weight.. can i at least change image... get some style.. improve my looks... UPGRADE MYSELF instead of sticking in the image of the fat, sloppy, guyish meredith of the BEFORE in the before and after stage???? i'm now meredith-AFTER.... i look better.... I WANNA LOOK BETTER.. and the way society's looking now, i gotta.

uGh

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 8:03:00 PM

Sunday, December 01, 2002

TOTAL CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

$%$%#$@#@%%

fuckin blogger............. entry gone......... took me DAMN LONG TO TYPE TOO.................
uGh.. gonna slp now.. 2 hours wasted.

night.

...and dith babbled on at the insane hour of 3:29:00 AM

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